I go back and forth with my 86 year old dad. He's a good person, generous, kind, etc., and I know it could be a lot worse. However, he is making me nuts at times.
How do I describe it? He's annoying, needy, relentless, self absorbed and rude. He was a traveling salesman and gone most of the time when I was growing up so my mom really raised me and my brothers. She has very good manners and even at 91 is happy spending time by herself. She wouldn't think of dropping in on someone without calling first and she is always polite. She has some problems now with dementia, but she tries to be neat and have good table manners.
My dad is the complete opposite. He will call at 7 AM, drop in unexpectedly, his table manners are disgusting, and although he can take an interest in what's going on with me and my husband, I feel like he only asks so he can get it over with and move on to HIM! He has done so many annoying things since retiring and having me nearby that I've already gone into counseling once and recently I scheduled myself to see someone again.
He is extremely social and wants to have something to do every day of the week. So, even though he has friends, goes to the senior center and also has hobbies, he still clings to me.
He still drives, but I can see that we are getting to a point where it won't be much longer before that needs to end and I'm truly dreading it.
My husband and I moved to my parents' community about 8 years ago and bought their property. We built on a few acres of it, but let them stay in their home, only asking them to pay property insurance on their home and part of the taxes. I have had every intention of helping them and we have.
From the day we moved into our newly built house my dad was unbelievably obnoxious. He would walk into our house unannounced, whenever the mood hit. We had to talk to him about that. There have been so many problems with him invading our space that I could write a book. When I've tried talking to him, he has actually hung up on me and I swear I was not yelling or emotional, just trying to get him to see it from our point of view.
Recently my husband had foot surgery and my dad wanted to come to the hospital, but it was day surgery and, frankly, my husband I didn't want to deal with my parents. We kept my dad at bay by telling him we didn't have an exact time (which was actually true until the day before). Dad called about 3 times that week and then he called again after the surgery. I told him everything went fine and he wanted to know if we wanted to go out for dinner!!! I told him we couldn't do that for at least a week. Dad left us alone for one day and then decided to drop in. Neither of us wanted to see him so we didn't answer the door. So after leaving my dad called and I didn't answer. Then he called again and I still didn't answer. The next thing I knew he was back again and this time he used his key to let himself into our house.
I know a lot of people are going to say something about the fact that he was concerned, etc., but Dad wears me out. When he walked into the house I confronted him and I'll admit I was upset. He kept saying he was worried and I felt like saying, "it was foot surgery not his heart!"
I don't know what I'm asking here. I guess I just needed to vent. My dad is wearing me out and although I want to be a good daughter, he just won't give me a chance to take a break.
I think I read more stuff about manipulate mothers, but I'm here to tel you my dad is the King when it comes to that!
Change the locks. Tell him point blank... You would like him to visit, but only when it is a good time for you. He must call first, and NOT come over if he doesn't TALK to you first.
You need to start protecting your self and your relationship with your husband. This is only going to get worse if you don't stop it
As you said your Dad and mine just seem to need constant attention.
It's draining, I work so our time spent together is maybe once a week and on the phone daily. The problem is he's never satisfied.
I would never do that to my children. They need their space.
I see my son and daughter in-law no more than once every 4-6 weeks. They're happy to visit but I enjoy the weekends that we can relax and do things at home.
It's sad to not have hobbies or interests at that age . Some older people do , not all.
Have a great weekend.
You can just read thought all the posts within AgingCare to see how miserable people are having parents living in their homes. Im sure there are exceptions, but it's not the norm!
My dad didn't have as much energy as yours, BUT he still wore me out. It was the constant need to have contact and then hardly focus on anything I had to say. How many times did he interrupt to talk about something that had nothing to do with the current topic?! Sometimes he listened, but if it didn't interest him, then forget it.
Good luck, and don't let guilt make you do anything you'll regret! ;-)
my daughter and son said he may have ADHD,
I think most people will say they love their parents, and I always wonder what that means. It's difficult to comprehend when all you're reading about is how obnoxious and demanding a parent is, but I think we all throw in the "love" part as a way of letting ourselves and everyone else know that despite our anger, there's a reason we keep putting up with their bad behavior. Yes, there were good things about my dad, and I know that he loved me, so I felt like he deserved my respect. However, that did not give him the right to walk all over me and my husband. It honestly took some therapy for me to finally understand that.
I'm certain my dad had ADHD in spades. It runs in my family, and one of my brothers and I both have it to differing degrees. Fortunately, we are both more aware and have worked on ourselves and our relationships in positive ways. But this wasn't the case with my dad, so it wasn't always fun being around him (although sometimes it was).
I'm guessing it's kind of the same with your dad. I was married to an alcoholic for about 5 years, and he could be fun, but he could also make my life miserable. He wasn't my dad, so it was a lot easier to get out. I guess my point is, I've been around alcoholics and if they can't manage to get help to keep it under control, then it never gets better. I'm sorry for you in that regard.
But here's what I think you need to consider: your children. Why are they still dealing with an alcoholic grandfather? Do you ever wonder how that impacts them? You said that you would never treat your children the way you allow your dad to treat you, but what are you teaching them? Maybe it won't be you who is the problem. Maybe they'll end up in relationships that put them in the same situation (married to that poor alcoholic or have a spouse with an alcoholic parent), and how do you think they're going to handle it? Because, frankly, you haven't been much of a role model in that regard. Okay, I know someone is going to complain that I'm being harsh, but I'm telling you how I see it. And it's not that I don't understand.
You say he's only 65. Well, assuming alcoholism doesn't cut his life short (and it probably will), things are only going to get worse, and you could be dealing with this for another 20 years or more! Really? You're okay with that?
If you've got insurance or can afford it, consider seeing a therapist. It helps a lot! Just having the opportunity to talk to someone who is there for you and allows you to say all the things you are keeping inside and keeping from yourself. You'd be amazed at how much you know, but aren't giving yourself permission to express. I bet your a wonderful parent, and I'm sorry you feel like you lost so much time with your children because of feeling like you had to deal with your dad. He's an alcoholic, he's not going to get better, and although he may love you, he's way more fixated on his own needs. Time goes by very quickly, and the next thing you know you'll be 65 and kicking yourself for wasting so many years on someone you really can't help enough. I hope you can get some help for yourself instead.
Like I said, I love him and I will miss him if one day he goes before me.. but it does get to be too much sometimes. I feel you.
I had my gall bladder out and my husband called my father to tell him. 6am the next day he was in my hospital room.
I avoid my father because his life is just a series of issues. Every phone call I get from him starts with "I have a problem". I am so tired of being him 'go to ' for every thing.
Serenity now 😛
As you know, I started this because I really needed to vent, so don't apologize!! Also, I hope you'll remain connected to this group so that later on you can reread some of your posts and have the opportunity to see that it wasn't your imagination; your dad really did give you a run for your money! Honestly, it's been four years since my dad died, and while I remember general things that he did, I've kind of forgotten why I was so upset all the time!
On the other hand, I also have to add that your post actually had me laughing more than once! I need to find a way to share it with my girlfriend who has been on an emotional roller coaster with her mother for years. What is it about those self-absorbed, needy parents?! She told me that she's pretty certain one of the main reasons she has a bad back is because she tried to help her mother not lose her balance while on a treadmill, taking a stress test. Apparently the nurse turned the speed up too quickly. My girlfriend watched in horror as her mother started to topple, so she quickly grabbed her (her mom was quite heavy at the time). Fortunately, the doctor was able to get to the OFF switch and mom managed to stay upright. BUT, instead of thanking her daughter, she turned to the doctor and said, "my hero."
My girlfriend and I try to get together a couple of times a year, and in between she sends text messages. We've known one another since grade school, and therefore each other's parents, as well. We've ended up having some pretty good laughs, even though it often started out with venting. But sometimes, just seeing the absurdity of it, helps get you through. And as my brother once said to me, "well, at least you know there's an end in sight." Yes, but sometimes it sure seems like it's a long ways off!
What can I tell you? As I mentioned in one of my replies, it's so easy to give advice when it's someone else! But I do understand that knowing something is wrong in a relationship is a lot easier than actually confronting it. Besides, on some level, the person making you unhappy already has your number. I think a parent is particularly difficult because you still feel, on some level, like you are their child and you don't want to be disrespectful. My dad was never a mean parent, but we kids respected his authority and the fact that he was our father. So how do you handle it when you become an adult and start to realize your dad is kind of a jerk?
To be honest, the thing that helped me most was therapy. A trained therapist is able to guide you objectively in ways friends and family can't. It isn't that they don't have some worthwhile advice, but often it feels too confrontational or blunt. It's hard to explain to friends that Dick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you want to stick up for yourself. Even when I was furious with my dad, once I calmed down I would often question my right to feel that way. After all, he had done so many things for me or it certainly felt that way. And you're obviously compassionate, so I bet that despite his bad behavior you can make excuses for him: bad childhood, bad luck, whatever.
The bottom line is really about you at this point. Would you let someone else treat you this way? Do you think you deserve it? Is it really your job in life to be your dad's doormat? And, if you have children, is this how you would treat them? Talk to someone who can help you work through your issues with your dad. It wasn't easy, but I did manage better after posting this. Good luck to you and please post again.
I have managed to make some room for my husband and myself by not trying to take things on that my parents can handle themselves. My mom is still involved in her church and someone there got my dad to take her to some kind of meeting where she met other people, watched a movie, etc., and I think they both enjoyed it. This afternoon they went on a bus trip through the senior center to Wisconsin Dells! I didn't have to do anything!! And last night we celebrated Father's Day by taking them out to dinner. My mom was really funny and she has actually been doing better lately.
I still have issues with my dad because I realize that it doesn't take much to set me off, especially if I'm stressed or tired. That's something I intend to explore further with my therapist.
You are NOT neglecting a poor deprived impaired parent who can't do things for himself. You are (or need to be) setting appropriate boundaries. He is very lucky. Don't let his luck become your bad news.
The positive in all this is that you know things need to change and you are working on it. Good for you! You CAN do it!
I have been care-giver for my FIL since he moved in with my hubby & me in 2004 (yes, 2004). I am on duty 24/7/365 except for, Thank God!, the respite care-giver (first with home health now hospice) that comes once a week for 2 hours and whatever time my hubby can give me off. Hospice gives families a 5 day respite time with the care-receiver in a facility.
I asked Papa how he feels about my hubby & I using the 5 day respite: he said "I'll be pissed". Well, thanks a lot, Papa! I gave up a full time job to be his care-giver, he needs assistance with toileting, 2-4 times a night, I puree ALL his food (he is allergic to onion in any form), keep his food warm while he eats his meal, etc.
Ah well, he IS on hospice and might have around 2-4 months left; and trying to change a 95 yr old is, well, not worth trying. He sure is good for my prayer life, he sends me to the Jesus prayer a lot! LOL!
Take care,
Evpraxia
Unfortunately, my entire family has never been good about communicating or confrontation. We tend to stew about things and eventually hope they go away or we somehow get over them. I'm currently not communicating with one brother because he has decided not to deal with some issues. I had a problem with my other brother a couple of years ago and we finally managed to work things out. But as I already mentioned, my dad will literally run away or hang up when things heat up or I finally stick up for myself.
In the past I could at least talk to my mom, and unfortunately, that's no longer possible. But despite her dementia it's interesting to see how she can still hold her own against my dad!
All of you have helped me to see how unfair my dad is being, something that has been extremely difficult. He does just enough "nice" things to make me question my fairness in being upset with him. My husband and I met him and my mom for lunch on Sunday. We talked about getting together for dinner the following Friday and my departing words were, "We'll see you next Friday," and I felt kind of guilty for that, as if I should be in touch midweek.
Another part of the conversation was (my husband is doing my parents' taxes) some documents were missing and my husband gave my dad a list. Even though my husband won't be available until Friday my Dad had already stopped by our place that same day (we were gone) with the documents. Then, of course, he called and I told him we would get them Friday!
But I get it, guys. I need to be more assertive and I'm trying. I'm hoping the therapist will also help me (thanks for bringing up NPD--I'll look it up AND talk to the therapist about it). I will tell you that when I went to a therapist the first time (over depression and my dad), she would look at me in amazement sometimes and tell me how rude his behavior was.
And, ED, I apologize, but I laughed so hard at your comments! It's really not funny when it's happening to you, but I sure do get it. Here are two disgusting things my dad does: he will pull out his one false tooth in front of family because some food got caught in it (YUCK). He always wants a toothpick when he has dinner at our place and we ALWAYS say we don't have any. Also, he has really bad "man boobs." Okay, it's not his fault, it happens. BUT for God's sake, don't go around without a shirt!! When my mom had her act together she told him to put on a shirt. Now she just looks at him and turns to me and says, "your father needs a bra."