My dad was abusive to my mom and us kids growing up. He still scares me.
As a kid he was cruel with his words and hands. Even now, he is old, and sometimes I see that rage in his eyes again. my husband and I are still young (40) we had our children young, and have 4 grandchildren.It was their room we gave to him. We adore these babies and used to have them over as often as possible. Now Im afraid of what he might do to one of them, so they almost never come now, and if they do I try to keep them away from him. He talks to them the way he did to us. he says mean things and tries to correct them even when its not apropriate. he says hes teaching them right, however I dont see how sternly telling a 18 mo old child that they need to color it the lines is teaching. Its mean. and shes a baby, just learning fine motor skills. I dont want her to be afraid to come to Nana and Papas house. But more than that I dont want any of them to have that fear I had as a child. I cant point this out because the past he remembers does'nt include the terrorizing of his family. when I tried to tell him he would not be allowed to bully my family he told my husband " shes crazy, I never mistreated my family, its all bullshit" So not only was he mean he lies about it. Not that i want to say "look here this is what you did" The past is gone. I just want my babies to feel safe, I want to feel as though they're safe. Im afraid as his dementia progresses this will worsen. I worked in a nursing home when I was younger. A fancy one for people with private pay, and the day i walked off my job I told my boss I would not put my dog in a nursing home. But I may have to put my father there. The guilt is terrible heavy. But I love them more.
Your husband may not understand but it doesn't matter. It is the two of you's home but he is your father and you KNOW he was abusive and you KNOW he potentially still is (I'd say if he had the chance, it is very likely so don't take that chance)...and your grandchildren do not deserve to be fearful nor do any of you deserve to be deprived of bonding and spending time together because of your father's abusive nature.
Karma is a b****, as they say...and you get what you pay for. No one made him abuse you all and if he winds up in a NH and hates it...he still is getting off easier than you and your siblings did. It is the kindest thing for all concerned, IMO.
Amy Tan, author of The Joy Luck Club, wrote about a conversation with her demented mother who said, "I think I wasn't always a good mother, but I can't remember." I forget the answer, but Amy Chan was able to forgive and reassure her mother.
If your husband has sympathy for your father, he has to lay down the law to him, man to man. If he won't do it, or if it doesn't work - it probably won't - you need to get him out of your house. The NH will put him on antipsychotics or antidepressants, and he won't be able to refuse to take them. The right meds will turn him into a somewhat nicer person. Put him in the NH. Don't feel guilty.
Your feeling guilty is classic reaction to having been abused/manipulated.
PLEASE get your Dad OUT of your home, into non-family shelter--a facility-- that can deal with it appropriately...you deserve better.
PLEASE find some counseling help for yourself, too, to help you understand what happened to you, and learn better tools for coping better with life, to help you avoid anyone else doing to you what your Dad did. --those who have been abused, tend to get steam-rollered by others in our life who do similarly to us--UNTIL we learn better to "see those trains coming" and get off the tracks!
Please keep us posted!
In our family, abusive/controlling/manipulative behaviors have continued through at least 3+ generations that I know of for sure. Likely longer than that.
But every once in awhile, one child in a generation will choose to leave the family and never look back, or, block the offender from their lives to protect their own kids, for instance.
The ones who return to try and patch things up, hoping the offending parent will somehow show their "better self", usually end up getting further destroyed.
When there is abuse by a parent, there is no really safe way to have them in your home. You WILL be abused further, and your children and grandchildren are at risk, too.
A chronic abuser needs to be placed in a care home run by others. You can still be their advocate, if that works out. You can still visit, if you wish or if you can.
BUt allowing them into your home is a huge mistake.
Our son still cannot bring himself to come to our home anymore, after he experienced what Mom did under our roof...even though she got moved out of here, he still cannot deal with the triggers inherent in visiting this place.
Find your Dad a more appropriate place to live!!!
It is so hard, growing up like that. We carry the after-effects of that trauma, thru our lives--the best we can do is learn to deal better with all the triggers for that trauma, and learn to protect our children from it better than our parents did.
Abuse usually travels from generation to generation, in one form or another, unless and until at least one child stands up and chooses to stop allowing it in their lives any longer.
An abuser can be so subtle, other siblings do not see it, leaving the abused kid[s] on their own to figure out how to survive.
It will take a lot of strength, but you can do it. Be strong, girl. We are all pulling for you, and for your grandchildren.
And if he ends up in the hospital again refuse to bring him home. The hospital will bring in a social worker and they can figure out what to do with him.
You were treated poorly/abuse as a child don't let him do it to you as an adult. You deserve more!
Did you do anything wrong? If not, perhaps what you are feeling is the sense of being trapped between what you think "a good daughter ought to do" and what a good wife/grandmother ought to do".
Do not be manipulated by violence and anger. Of course, that is your habit. Certainly, as a youngster growing up, you did that in order to survive.
Now is a new time. You are an adult, and can make decisions. You have a lot of power over him. Certainly making sure he has adequate care is in alignment with your values. That doesn't mean he should be under your roof. You have a whole family of others who will learn this way of being if they are exposed to it. As you said, it is important that your grandchildren aren't exposed to it.
Think about what actions you can take to create the highest and best good for the most people in your family. Then take that action. Life is full of hard choices and they must be made. Even doing nothing to change is making a choice.
I wish you the courage to change the dynamics in your household with bold loving action.
Wishing you the very best.
What he did to you was not love. It was control. He is still doing it. Ask him what his long term plans are. Then, say you will help him find an efficiency apartment, tomorrow. (or whatever.)
Nursing homes have changed. There are a lot of good ones. But you need to cut this tie that is bringing your family down. I want to say this gently, do you think that you are co-dependent on him and perhaps still looking for his love? Good luck.
To me, your father has made his own choice to live in a nursing home. Demented or not, his treatment of you (as a child and now) is his own choice. He's proven his behavior can't be modified. You gave him a shot at living with you, now he needs to leave. Get him on Medicaid (if he's not already) and move him out. Soon. Your kids and grandkids come first. He is threatening those relationships, so he's made his own bed, now he must lie in it.
I finally confronted her, then cut communication for about a year. I don't know about the stealing but her demeanor towards me is completely different. I think she realized that I was serious about not listening to the abuse anymore...we have a good (not great) relationship now and she never crosses the line anymore. It helps me that her memory is going pretty fast and she remembers less and less every day. It's hard to hold a grudge or bitterness toward a woman that is truly clueless about what happened. (and no, we've not discussed me specifically but she can't remember where she used to live or the stores she used to shop in..)
I guess my point is this: at some point you have to put your foot down. It's HARD, I know it is...but you have to. For your own sake, not just for your kids..and ulimately for HIS sake...because he doesn't want to be in a NH anymore than you want to put him there.
but if you DO have to, remember this: it isn't your decision, really. He is making the choice: he can live by house rules at your home or he can live by house rules at the NH. And trust me, they won't let him hit ANYONE there either
Don't subject your children to this behavior. End it with you. I had a wake up call when my father died 6 years ago. I was not sad, did not really care. We had had little to no relationship and in the end it was apparent.
Denying his behavior is classic narcissistic behavior. Don't think you will change him but also don't doubt yourself. They never will take responsibility for their behavior, it is all your fault. I wish I had a nickel for every time my father said I was crazy. I would be rich.
Don't leave your kids with him. If you can see his bad behavior imagine what he is doing you can't see.
Take care.
If she hops around, she will see how others dealt with this. No money for AL? Then try Medicaid. Sell his home/property to help cover his expenses, etc...
Sigh...with father in the hospital, I'm enjoying this house without worrying about feeding and changing his pampers. No verbal abuses. Wow! I'm sooooo enjoying my temporary freedom. Enjoying it as much as I can!!!!