Dad is 83, after a year of caring for him from a distance, at his request, I moved him from his Indiana home to Texas. He has alzheimer, not advanced, but he can't be alone or drive. Moderate probably. His Indiana caregiver moved with him! Saint. I put him in a facility for 3 days and it did not work out. Moved him and the caregiver then in with me to figure out what to do and my husband of only 3.5 years moved out same day. . It has been a rocky contentious relationship for the last couple of exhausting years. He has never cared for anyone needy and has no tolerance for it. Dad is wealthy so I can afford full time caregiving for him.
I have very mixed emotions about husband. But as picky as he his about everything being in its perfect place it is probably better he is not here.
Dad forgot that he begged me to move him, that he put a for sale sign on his place,, that he was wheeling and dealing the sale of his place and all his stuff, that he told everyone he knew he was leaving forever, and now he thinks I am holding him against his will. He plots his escape constantly. Flight risk squared.
I live in the country. I have dogs. I also own my own business. Part of me would like to move with him back to Indiana, but my business locks me here for now. Things were getting out of control in Indiana, and my only sibling who lives there does not help at all. My phone rung constantly one crisis after another. People were stealing from him. Nuts.
Part of me says keep him here as long as I can until the Alzheimer's gets too bad then move him to a facility. I will not move him to a facility I can not supervise. Of course that means certain divorce. Going through that at the same time as moving dad in and a caregiver my just do me in. I am a strong God loving person, but it has been real hard to get out of bed. I am 55. I need advise. This forum has helped. God love caregivers!
God must love caregivers.
Moving him out of the facility after only a few days was probably too soon. I would consider moving him back into a facility and sticking it out longer. Give him and the staff time to get used to each other. Staff should expect this behavior from dementia patients. Maybe the facility was just a bad fit for him.
There are different kinds of facilities: some follow a social model (activities based), others follow a medical model(hospital-like). My mom currently lives at her home with a 24 hr caregiver. Her children want the best for her but she made it clear earlier in her life that under no conditions should we feel obligated to bring her into our homes. (My grandmother lived with us growing up and it caused alot of stress for my mom.). Her caregiver is wonderful but we know we will need to move her into a place eventually. We are looking into a facility that follows the "social model" for dementia care.
If you want to save your marriage, then move your dad out and ask your husband to meet you halfway. He needs to understand that you must take some time to care for your parent. That's what decent people do. Just like you would have cared for him (and he for you.... hopefully?). Don't sacrifice your happiness completely if you still want your relationship to work.
However, if you feel your husband wouldn't be there for you in sickness and health, then dealing with him may not be worth the additional strain. He's demonstrated he's not there through good times and bad. Maybe he's too immature or selfish.
Good luck.
Unless your marriage was already over, I think it should be your first priority. I have a feeling from what you said, though, that things were already a bit rocky. I guess you'll have to decide if your marriage is worth saving. You mentioned you were religious. A good movie to watch is "WWJD: the Woodcarver." I believe it is on Netflix if you subscribe to that. It might give you some ideas.
Just a few observations to share -- no overall solution :(
Trying a facility for three days is not a fair trial. Many persons with dementia would take weeks or months to settle in. My Mom moved in with my sister. She has a lovely "apartment" there and loves my sister and her husband very much. They are great with her. Mom has been there 2 months and she still isn't fully settled in. These things take time.
Many people with dementia need a secure facility, to minimize flight risk or simple wandering.
My husband often claimed he was being held against his will. He even called the sheriff's office to make this claim. He lived with me in the home we'd lived in for a dozen years before his dementia was diagnosed.
I don't know if any of this information is useful. Just know that your dad's behaviors are not unique.