Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
As Carla says, just stop showing up. He's not your responsibility. If he's in need, someone will step up. It doesn't really matter if it's family or local authorities, as long as they get the job done. Not your monkey, not your circus.
Joyce - my guiding principle is that we can't tell anyone else what to do. We can only decide what we will and won't do. A piece of understanding I've come to as a caregiver is that nobody will search for solutions as long as they have a solution that's working for them. In your situation, right now, you're the solution. As long as you remain in place, nobody will consider assisted living or a home companion, or stepping up if they've been hanging back.
You need to step back for your own health and sanity. Don't expect anyone else to agree or to make other arrangements so you can feel it's taken care of. Other arrangements will be made only after you're no longer available. So stop being available. Don't cook for him. Don't bring him to your house. Don't step foot in his house. Tell anyone who asks that you just need to focus on yourself. Period. Other arrangements will be made once you're out of the picture, not before. You need to get out of the picture while you still have some meaningful life ahead of you. Just do it. Just say no.
CarlaCB No he does live with he lives half a block away, so imagine how that goes. As for the other son, he is 9 years younger and done much of anything for his father in 4 years. He is the one whose been enabled all his life, like the golden child who needs to grow up. My husband has parkinsons and I have pulmonary fibrosis (ipf). Since my bil is in good health I feel it's his turn to do not take for a change. I've already suggested assisted living or some one to come to the house companion, but far no talking about it.
Joyce, is your FIL living with you and your husband? If not, why do you need to have any contact with him at all? It sounds like you are dealing with serious health problems of your own and don't need the stress.
If he is living with you, maybe it's time your husband had a serious talk with Dad, along the lines of "My wife is ill, and we can't take of you here any longer. We need to find a place where people will be able to attend to you." If he's not living with you, then maybe you need to explain to your husband that you can no longer deal with the stress his father is creating and that, if he wants to care for his father, he needs to do it on his own and not require you to get involved.
As for pushing it off on his other son, I would not do that. It isn't his responsibility either. Maybe he and your husband can put their heads together to find a more workable solution for Dad.
I think my father in law has self centered for years. In fact ther was a write up about my hisband in our local paper about his service to our community for over 50 years. Instead of saying that it was nice, he said whay did'nt say anything about me! Now I know why my mil was always mad at him. I do need peace and calm in my life. I don' know I much tome I have left, i just want this part to be on my my terms. Thanks for your comment. I do appreciate it. Take care and God Bless.
Joyce, so many of us know what you're talking about. My mother does that all the time. People can give her the stars and she'll find some little thing to complain about. This Christmas it was that her granddaughter only stayed a few minutes. I thought it was fine, because granddaughter and husband are young. Mother explains that she owes her, because if it weren't for my mother, she would have never been born. (Bump head on wall. How do you reason with such narcissistic logic?)
You brought up an important point, Joyce. It does make us lose respect. Has your FIL always been this way? Some people have been self-centered all their lives, but it really gets evident as they get old and lose their independence. When something like the lack of a gift gets stuck in their craw, they can sure be mean. Chances are that he'll feel better about him soon, but if he's anything like my mother, he'll just get mad at someone else.
To tell you more would take a bit. My father in law does not have any concern about the feelings of others. When he wants something done, it has to be immediately, no matter what we are doing. He complains about everything even when I cook for him. We had a incident on Christmas day. He started pouting after we opened gifts. He was mad that he didn't get a gift from our son. Our son lost his job do to the department changes. We had 4 generations of males in the house and he refused to have his picture taken wth his son grandson and great grandson. He would not say another word. Then yeasterday when my husband took food up to him and eat with his, he started about our three children, he said some very horrible things, all because of a gift. Well, any onyone who has said anything about my kids before has always been positive. We raised our kids to have respect, manners, compassion etc. Well I am very hurt and angry about this. When you say things about my kids that are lies, I take this as an insult to me. I have closed the book on my father in law. I will no longer cook, nothing. I'm. Dying, I have decided I need peace and calm in my life not stress. If this sounds harsh to you, so be it. We have been so much for him th last four years, it' time his other son takes over. I've had it. If you want to comment, i would appreciate it, but I cannot do anything for him anymore. I lost all respect for him.
Hi, Joyce. Could you tell us a little more? Many people on the group are dealing with elders who have become more self-centered as they age. Of course, some were always that way. You will get a lot of understanding here.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You need to step back for your own health and sanity. Don't expect anyone else to agree or to make other arrangements so you can feel it's taken care of. Other arrangements will be made only after you're no longer available. So stop being available. Don't cook for him. Don't bring him to your house. Don't step foot in his house. Tell anyone who asks that you just need to focus on yourself. Period. Other arrangements will be made once you're out of the picture, not before. You need to get out of the picture while you still have some meaningful life ahead of you. Just do it. Just say no.
,
No he does live with he lives half a block away, so imagine how that goes. As for the other son, he is 9 years younger and done much of anything for his father in 4 years. He is the one whose been enabled all his life, like the golden child who needs to grow up. My husband has parkinsons and I have pulmonary fibrosis (ipf). Since my bil is in good health I feel it's his turn to do not take for a change. I've already suggested assisted living or some one to come to the house companion, but far no talking about it.
If he is living with you, maybe it's time your husband had a serious talk with Dad, along the lines of "My wife is ill, and we can't take of you here any longer. We need to find a place where people will be able to attend to you." If he's not living with you, then maybe you need to explain to your husband that you can no longer deal with the stress his father is creating and that, if he wants to care for his father, he needs to do it on his own and not require you to get involved.
As for pushing it off on his other son, I would not do that. It isn't his responsibility either. Maybe he and your husband can put their heads together to find a more workable solution for Dad.
You brought up an important point, Joyce. It does make us lose respect. Has your FIL always been this way? Some people have been self-centered all their lives, but it really gets evident as they get old and lose their independence. When something like the lack of a gift gets stuck in their craw, they can sure be mean. Chances are that he'll feel better about him soon, but if he's anything like my mother, he'll just get mad at someone else.
We had a incident on Christmas day. He started pouting after we opened gifts. He was mad that he didn't get a gift from our son. Our son lost his job do to the department changes. We had 4 generations of males in the house and he refused to have his picture taken wth his son grandson and great grandson. He would not say another word. Then yeasterday when my husband took food up to him and eat with his, he started about our three children, he said some very horrible things, all because of a gift. Well, any onyone who has said anything about my kids before has always been positive. We raised our kids to have respect, manners, compassion etc. Well I am very hurt and angry about this. When you say things about my kids that are lies, I take this as an insult to me. I have closed the book on my father in law. I will no longer cook, nothing. I'm. Dying, I have decided I need peace and calm in my life not stress. If this sounds harsh to you, so be it. We have been so much for him th last four years, it' time his other son takes over. I've had it. If you want to comment, i would appreciate it, but I cannot do anything for him anymore. I lost all respect for him.