Dealing With My Aging Parents

Well, you just took a very good first step. Writing here helps by sharing your concerns, and clarifying your situation. You are not alone, as many are in similar circumstances. The answer is grace; as in receiving and extending. Grace = God's loving mercy. We all need that. You can read books on dementia/Alzheimer's, and attend a Support Group or two. Those wonderful tools will help you process what you and your parents are experiencing, and prepare you for the future. Of coarse no one knows for sure what the future holds, because the process is different for everyone. But, they will provide you with information, support, encouragement, and a step-back look at what you are going through.

I would also suggest you speak with your parent's Physicians regarding the depression issues. Take notes, and send off a list of concerns, asking for help. If there doctor is a good one, you may make some progress. Be strong and bold, and stand by your instincts, after seeking wise counsel. Caregiving is not for sissies. You may have to make some tough decisions, and the more information you have beforehand, the better.

I can relate to the ebb and flow of feelings. Such is life, regardless of what we have to face. Since this is a learning curve, expect challenges, successes and failures. Be gentle, both with yourself and your parents. Don't expect perfection from either, or to have all your questions answered perfectly.

Thanks for sharing your story, and the next time you feel stressed, know we can relate, and that this too shall pass. How to deal with stubborn, cranky/grumbling folks? The answer is grace. A long walk, talk with a supportive friend, and separation work wonders. Chocolate and gardening work sometimes, too. Bake cookies, laugh at the dumb stuff, and hug a friend. Last, but not least, remember to take care of you emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I am 43 years old, in the middle of a divorce, I have 4 kids and I have been caring for my father for 6 years. He has Parkinson's, Diabetes, Cancer and suffered a stroke on 9/10/09. Things were tough before, now he is completely unable to care for himself. I have entered into very "personal" care of my father as he is unable to use the restroom anymore. I work full-time from 5:00am to 2:30pm, get home and go into full care of dad. He won't allow his daytime caregiver to see him undressed, so he waits for me to do everything.
I have been depressed for a while, but now it has escalated to me becoming angry and I resent that I am having to deal with this, alone. My sister "can't help" as she is too busy. My kids are distant, but compassionate, but don't know what to do to help me (they are 14, 15, 22 and 27). My dad is, and has always been, a very selfish person who is completely ungrateful.He would be in a home, but he made some poor financial decisions, so I had to move in with him (guilt drove me to accept this responsibility), and now my world has collasped financially. I need
to know how I will ever be able to do this? I have even thought of diappearing one night...but my guilt would kill me. People say "find time for yourself", and I laugh...how? I can't afford to have my weekly caregiver come and "sit" with him, so it's me left here to deal with this. How are other people doing this?

My dad was in severe debt, and is now in a nursing home on Medicaid. I don't have enough money to help him, but time to visit. I do all the paperwork, and finances for him, and leave the nursing care to the experts. I found lots of help out there, from legal, to personal, friends to organizations willing to help. There are resources, and there is help available, so I advise you not to quit, but rather, pray: "Help!"

And you have personal reasons to get help: your own personal survival and medical needs, and your children. Do you have a reason for guilt? Or is it false guilt? (You don't have to answer that question.) Since dad is selfish and ungrateful, that does not mean you are obligated to be subservient. Help him get help, by filling out a nursing home application, and get a Medicaid one while you are at it. You have no financial responsibility to him, and must care for yourself and children. Do not run away, but run to Social Services, Commission on Aging, or your local Senior Services. That's what they are there for. Is your Dad a Veteran? You can get help, so don't give up. Sounds like you need some direction, and some relief for yourself. Take care, and best wishes.

I called my mother's doctor and asked him if he thought an anti-depressant would be in order. He very much agreed and prescribed zoloft for my mother (also curt in general but it had increased to an almost intolerable level). There was a noticeable difference within 36 hours. It is a big help. No side effects for my mother - great side effects for us!
And another thing that might help - a friend recently sent me a message saying it is a blessing to be able to care for a parent! How's that for a good perspective? He also wished me wisdom, patience and energy. Good luck!

Dear Weeza,
The best advice from we who have been there and have survived is this: TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME
And if that doesn't work: TAKE IT ONE HOUR AT A TIME

When we project our troubles into the future, they tend to take on a life of their own and cause us to lose hope. Whenever that started to happen to me I countered it with the Serenity Prayer:
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE; THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN; AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

If you can find the time to read it, I would also recommend you read "Elder Rage" by Jacqueline Marcell. I was in situation similar to yours several years ago and Jacqueline's story saved my sanity.

It can be quite the blessing to care for our loved ones, but sometimes we need outside help. I help by providing the best resources available. They don't have the wherewithal to search these out, and I can't perform more than my Creator gifted me with. So I get the blessing of being able to be a blessing in peripheral ways. Mom, Dad, and FIL get the help they need, and my family can has more energy to devote to loving, like family can. The professionals have their niche, and children and grands have theirs. That way, everyone wins!

Absolutely! Giving care is not limited to the actual care - it is the caring in our hearts, first!

Well put, Elizza!

Dear Weeza, Please read all these postings. This network has unbelieveable people on it that have been through the same thing you are dealing with. I too am a only child with divorsed parents. I had to move my dad in with me due to finances he did to himself. He has had three strokes and have left him depressed and has effected his ability to word find and process conversations. I did get him to a pysch and got him on medication. It seems to have helped him. I had to fudge a little on why i thought he should go. I wrote a letter to the dr prior to the appointment laying things out on what I saw the problems being. It worked out good by prewarning the dr. and my dad thought he was going because he could not sleep.
At the same time my dad moved in with me I went to my moms house one day and found her on the kitchen floor. She had been there a couple days. Long story on that - she is now in a ALF and has lost everything due to the circumstances she put herself in due to alcohol. I feel the same as you do. Good days and then bad days. I can't even double up running them around or taking them shoppping etcc because they hate each other. So not only am I a caregiver but I feel on some days like a cab driver. I take my dad to his places and then on some days I am right back to those same stores but with my mom. It is hair pulling most of the time. I hide in my bedroom alot and read. It is a cheap way to escape to another world.
I think the best advise on this posting I have read is take it day by day or if you have to HOUR by HOUR. I am currently going to counseling to try and deal with the anger and frusteration that I struggle with each day. It is a learning curve and a tough one on top of that. Know that you are not alone..... you have all of us and we understand. Hang in there and take a deep breathe. Keep searching for resources and as I always say "eat the sandwich in small bites and try not and jam the whole thing in your mouth at one time - you'll choke" Bless you !!!

Wow, I can't beleive the amount of replies already. Thank you all for your kind words and advice. It is nice to know that I am not the only one that feels this way. I already feel better and have am thinking about the advice that you all have shared and plan on following some of it. I thank you all for encouraging me to post my vent sessions here and will continue to do so. I hope that I can also offer you all words of encouragement!

Everyone have a wonderful day!

For those of you whou mentioned that your parents started taking anti-depressants I have a few questions: 1) Going into it, did your parent(s) refuse to consider taking the drug?, 2) If so, how did you give him/her to start taking them and 3) What changes did you see other than the obvious - the depression subsiding? My Mom, who really needs to be on them has been adamant about not taking them - she thinks that they label you as crazy, that they will make her sick, etc. I have had conversations with her PCP, who thinks she needs to go on them and she argues with him. I just feel like no one will ever be able to convince her otherwise.

" Some days I feel like I will be able to handle whatever is coming my way, and other times I feel like I am going to snap. Does anyone have any advice with this and how to deal with stubborn" young, cranky/grumpy children? Have you heard this before? Do you see the connection, Weeza? There isn't much difference between the very young and the very old, is there? Think about it. This is a site for Agingcare.com, but if you hear, see and listen to the complaints of young parents with very young children, on a different website, you will hear the same questions asked. We all know that it is hard. Very hard, but if you don't wan't to do it, then don't do it. Find someone else to do this job. I meant it. This is the circle of life....the very young are hard to care for and the old are hard to care for. You didn't ask for this job. If there isn't the extraordinary love in your heart, then check into an alternative person or place to do this end-of-life caring.

There is a big difference between taking care of the very young and the very old. The very young are yours by choice. They grow up, generally become less dependent, and if you survive the teen years there can be a very positive longterm outcome. The very old just keep getting more dependent. The long term outcome is, well, the end. And they aren't necessarily yours by choice, but sometimes just by default. And many of us don't have the extraordinary love or unending patience, but are just muddling through and trying to do the best we can. It can be very depressing, frustrating, anger-inducing, but yet we still are here for them.

I think that each family is different. Depends on the relationship you had with your parents, and what you expected to happen when they got old. If you never got along, too late now to learn how to make nice. If you always got along its easier because you don't self-talk yourself into being angry at your parents for aging.

I have to say I don't think that any of us are hero caregivers or extraordinary and it is what it is, people have been carging for their families for thousands of years. I am not saying it is easy, just wondering how we were sold on the notion that we somehow wouldn't have to pitch in and help. My grandparents went throught the holocaust and raised a family. I feel humble in comparison. Maybe we should not expect so much and be grateful for more. It won't change our circumstances or our parents behavior if it is not always nice, but it will lighten the burden we choose to carry by being angry.

weeza - when my dad went on the antidepressent he was having anxiety issues and really could not sleep which added to his frusteration because it was harder for him to remember things and harder for him to have any type of dicussion without getting his words mixed up etc.. When I spoke to him about it i threw it in as it would help him sleep, which would help in all the other areas. After doing some research I also learned the the elderlys hormones etc are changing just as are do when get older. It is not uncommon at all that the elderly are on some type of anti depressent medicine. It is certainly NOT a sign that you are crazy it just means your body has changed. The DR went ended up taking my dad to was great. He actully confirmed my research in his discussion with my dad. The medicine he is one is only designed for people typically over 65 and had two great side effects... helps him sleep better and increased his appetite. It is too bad that she will not listen to your dr. That is where I have the most support. Both of my parents do what their drs tell them to do. So that is a true blessing. Do some research on the intranet. Maybe by giving her more data she will see it is quite normal at her age to get support. Give her examples of other people that you might know that are on medication and proof to here that those people are not crazy. Tell her if it makes her feel better than why not. See if you can convince her to try them for 6 months and go from there. I wish you the best of luck. You are in a frusterating position. Let us know how it goes. Hang in there

To all who may complain: One year ago today, my husband of 49 years died in my arms. For two years (almost) I fed him , changed his paper panties, dressed him, wheeled him around, talked to him, doled out his pills, adjusted his O2 cannula, and read to him, gave him the puppy to hold and showed him magazine pictures, let him watch TV programs and bathed him daily.\\ I actually couldn't wait to walk down the stairs in the morning to see him in his hospital bed (set up by Medicare in a separate room). We drank our coffee together and we talked and talked. It was very hard "work". What I wouldn't give to have just one hour of that caregiving time back again. I re-live that last day, October 2, 2008, the day I almost died myself.
Of course, many of you have more difficult situations, but let it be.
Someday your parent, husband/wife/relative will be gone. Yes, you'll be free of responsibility and exhaustion, but if I may suggest, please take this time to be kind, giving, cheerful. You probably won't be writing in any more after they are gone. No need to, it will all be over and sooner than you think.

Thank you for your heartfelt advice and reminder about appreciating our loved ones while they are here in our care.

You deserve a million stars & hugs - take care.

You have come to the right place to seek guidance and comfort. It is really a heartbreaking thing to see our parents get older. When we were little, we saw them as our rock, our superhuman and to see that slowly deteriorate is not easy to watch.

I hope that you continue to seek comfort in this forum. It is okay, and completely natural, to feel the way you are feeling. Take a break and do something you love to do.

If taking care of them is too much, you also have the option of hiring in-home care. Have someone come over to take care of your father, so that you have a burden lifted from your shoulders.


Best,
Jackie

I have been talking with my parent's Physicians, Social Workers, Nurses, and etc. They tell me that it is common for some people to refuse their medications, and for some to not think they need help. It is hard for those of us who want to help and see the needs, but get grief and criticism no matter what we do. Some people are very hard to please. Remember the saying, "They're not happy unless they have something to complain about..."?

What I find even more frustrating, is to come to this site to share my struggles, and unload a multitude of feelings, including anger, then be criticized for doing so. Some people can be very harsh in their responses, and condeming in their judgements. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but don't necessarily need to impose those on others. For those who struggle with anger and frustration, I feel for you. You are not alone. I hope you feel free to vent, and for those who don't like to hear it, should refrain from negative cricitisms. I grow weary of reading the same harsh responses by the same people over and over. This site should be a place of encouragement, not a place to inflict judgement on another. Please keep negativity to yourself!

I personally find this to be the second most challenging thing I've done in my life. The other was surviving the situation in the home I was born into. Now, as an adult, and as my parents age, I am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with. Not everyone can hire someone to take on the tasks, due to finances, personal situations, or other reasons. And some parents demand their expectations be met, no matter how unreasonable, infringing on the time, resources, and rights of others. For those who understand what I'm saying, my heart goes out to you. For those who don't, please keep silent.

For many here, Caregiving is not a joyful experience during our elder's "golden years." Dealing with incontinence and decline is hard on family's emotions, finances, and physical health. Caring for an elderly person cannot be compared to caring for an infant or children. These are entirely different scenarios, as txmaggie said. I do believe some on this site face incredible challenges, and difficulties, and need to be supported, encouraged and understood. That is the beauty of this site. To encounter judgment and hostility has sent some poor struggle souls away. That is not right! Some need to learn to be a little more sensitive, tolerant, and less opinionated. Grace listens with the heart, and responds in love.

I applaud you, fellow hardworking Caregivers! That you are trying, against sometimes difficult situations, makes you a role model to me. Thank you for being here and sharing your true feelings. By doing so, you give me the freedom to explore, acknowledge and express mine. Thanks for hanging in there during seemingly impossible odds, and facing difficullties with determination and grit. Caregiving is not for sissies. Not everyone has charming or grateful loved ones they care for. We hear you when you need to vent, and sometimes cry with you, and pray for you. Just to know you're not alone can make the difference somedays. Take care.

I understand completely how you are feeling. My mom is 88 and lives with me. She is healthy but I can see the aging that my family members do not see on a daily basis. It is VERY HARD. We always did things together and were joined together and now I am sad, lonely and depressed because I am facing her daily decline alone. I need to get away to feel better but always feel bad when I return. How can I love somone so much and want to be away from them? I am in counseling but I doubt it will help. Prayer is the only thing that gives me strength when I think I cannot take it any longer. I wish you the best.

Take heart, september21. I understand wanting some space for yourself, and think it's perfectly natural and understandable. Constantly observing decline can be overwhelming at times. Glad you are here to take away some of that lonliness. I also understand about feeling sad, and grieve over all the losses that have occured and continue. Prayer, loving friends, this site, and support groups help along the way. You take care of you in ways that comfort and refresh your spirit, and let go of false guilt. Reward yourself from time to time by doing things you love, and you'll come back renewed.

I would like to applaud N1K2R3.....she is speaking from her heart.
What she shared with those of us who still are caring for our family was priceless. I wonder which one of us would not reflect on our days of hands on caregiving once our loved one passed away.

I don't think that her posting was at all negative, but wonder why anyone would think that it was ok to 'call out' others for what they choose to write. I wonder if it might not be kinder to let people say what they will with.

Who will defend the frustrated, overwhelmed, gireving, sometimes angry Caregiver??? I know of people who have left this site in despair because their feelings were condemned, as if expressing something negative is criminal. For those who have difficult situations, you know what I'm saying. Many of us grew up in horrible situations with less-than-ideal parents, and still try to care for them in their old age. For those who have parents who only think of themselves, and take advantage of their children's sacrifices sometimes without compensation, reward or kindness, you know how hard it can be.

For those of you who had loving, supportive parents, you may not understand the difficulties those of us who have not had it face. And if someone needs to express a negative emotion, it should be equally as valid as the ones who don't have to. I am not pointing fingers at anyone in particular, but requesting sensitivity to those who are struggling with the negative feelings associated with this difficult task. Often people don't have the luxury of hiring outside help, and many times face difficult situations alone. Is it wrong to feel negative about Caregiving? I think a wide range of emotions is natural, and part of the process in life's cycle. For those of you who struggle with the Caregiving job, and sometimes feel less and "happy" about it, know you're not alone, and it's OK to express it. Denial and condemnation helps no one. Please be sensitive to those who are struggling, even if you do not understand. Some people are caring for elders who cuss, hit, and complain about everything. How is that Caregiver supposed to respond? With joy at the positive experience? Elders aren't always nice to their closest family members, and that gets excused and defended. How is that fair to someone trying to please a tyrant? Someday it may be you striking out against loved ones who are only trying to help, and you may be the one someone is struggling with negative emotions about. No one is immune from negativity from time to time. It is OK to express it here, and be supported for it without the PC police prohibiting freedom of expression. Or are only positive emotions allowed??? Think about it, and please, please, please be sensitive to Caregivers who are doing the best they can under extremely difficult conditions, caring for impossible-to-please parents, and need your support. If you have a positive situation with the loved one you are caring for, be thankful for it, but please understand we don't all have it that way. Take care, fellow strugglers.

Secret Sister, you are the one who always posts about her mom who is a "narcissistic personality" right? I've read your stories on many posts. Its very sad that something in what you read has caused you to have a keyboard meltdown. Maybe it is time to take a break from the internet and deal with whatever stress you are having in your life. Often in depression and stress people become overly sensitive and start misinterpreting others words and actions.

Everyone deals with stress differently. My grandparents survived the holocaust, so I was raised to read between the lines. I appreciate your cry for help and understand if you are defending yourself online perhaps because you don't feel your family is defending you in your real life situation. But we are all anonymous and friends here. None of us has any agenda other than to get through the day and feel connected to others without judgement. I can see you feel bad, but please take care of yourself. I can see how it would be a bitter pill to swallow reading about someone else's good relationship when you don't have one with your mom. But sometimes criticizing others is like wishing the bride would cry at her wedding because your own marriage is sad; it harms you in more ways than you will know.

Take care, maybe read some of the caregiver depression articles that are on this site and go see a doctor tomorrow. Things can get better. Be well, take care

Sister, I hear the cry of your heart and am right there with you We care for a parent with mental illness.
We care for them because in spit all the dysfunction, they are still our parent and they need us. We seek to honor them as the bible instructs us to do. We have chosen to be our mothers keeper and God is pleased.
Those who grew up in a loving home with "normal" parents could never understand the trauma of our childhood. They could never understand what we have overcome. And so when we get stressed and come on here to vent, they view us as complaining, and mean spirited. I have chosen not to vent here anymore, but sister, I had to respond to you.
I implore everyone who posts a response to a previous post, please choose your words wisely. You may not realize that you are being judgmental. Words can wound deeply.
And if you post solely to judge, don't.

The person who jumped on the lady who wrote about losing her husband and wrote the long complaint about the PC police is pretty judgemental in my book. How bout starting a new topic if you want to keep on complaining about other people.

Dear Weeza, since you started this thread, I think it would be nice to get back to supporting you. You talked about the stress involved, and we seemed to have gotten away from that. Many can relate to your struggles.

I think N1K2R3 presented a balanced perspective in reminding us that time is short (losing her husband 1 year ago) and that we won't always have our loved one around to "complain" about. True. And we can have compassion for her loss. So sorry for you, Norene. Have you thought of starting a thread to deal with that loss, where anyone can lend their support to you during this time? As you know, I have posted on your wall my condolances.

As for Weeza (and this thread) we hope to give you encouragement. Many of us understand the stress involved in caring for our parents, and the difficulties involved. It is not always easy for children of aging parents to become the Caregivers to ones who cared for us. As N1K2R3 suggested, we should strive to be kind (to everyone), giving and cheerful. I think the giving part is who we are and why we do what we do. The cheerful part comes a bit more difficult, at times, depending on each person's situation. While there can be much joy found in Caregiving, there is sometimes sorrow and frustration, as well. As Weeza asked for suggestions, I think we should support her in that. Does she have the right to complain about a difficult situation? Many of us can relate to that, and strive to encourage her efforts to care for her parents, anyway. Just know you're not alone, Weeza, and that many understand what you are going through. Take care.

kmr,
Listen to Secretsister. She has been through all of this. The nursing home route with medicaid is the best way to go. Start doing your homework and get your life back. The help is there for you to take. If he has no money or little of it, then medicaid will help.

Good idea Secret Sister - lets direct the conversation away from the sad remarks that you made and probably will continue to make when the mood strikes you. I went to your wall to send you a hug and was terribly disappointed to read the comments you posted about others to your group of regulars. When I suggested that you might be depressed and stressed clearly I had no idea who I was actually posting a kind comment to.

do the moderators read these wall comments?

Dear Secret Sister,

I would love the option of Medicade, but my father has enough money to just get by for approx 3 more years paying for just his daycare (while I am at work). Because of this the Social worker who came to my home to evaluate if we can get any assistance said no...once he is completely broke, then we get help. I love my dad, and can not allow him to be in a home or care facility right now (maybe when he is so mentally challenged he doesn't know where he is).He has cried to me and begged that I don't "put him away". The part I am struggling with is that he abandoned my mom, his wife, when she suffered a stroke when I was 17 and left me to care for her (while he ran off with his 35 year old girlfriend, who later married him, bled is bank account, and then left him for a younger man!). I watched my mom die, and he was no where to be found. 8 years ago his friend called me and said he had fallen many times, and needed care. So I stepped up and did what I had to do. I feel that everything that has happened to him is karma. I have spent countless hours with therapists who say "walk away", "save yourself"...but I can't because then I would be just like him. I will, for as long as I can, do the right thing and stay with him, and count the days until I can see the light again.