The sadness of a full life lost in the thros of caretaking a dementia person is overwhelming, demeaning, seemingly sucks the very life out of a person. Especially if the person has always been verbally and emotionally abusive. Days meld into oblivian of sadness, depression, emotional overheating, bitterness, loss of any happy thoughts.
If you can give yourself something to look forward to, and I've developed this ability to enjoy a few moments while Mom is taking a shower to kick back and chit chat with people on FB or texting. You need to get your mind, at least, out of the situation. good luck to you, my new friend.
I am so sorry for your sadness, and will keep you in prayer. Try to see a light in your mind beyond the drudgery of now. I know it is there for you. Nothing lasts forever, and you seem to be a person who will give your best no matter what. Please decide to do something special just for you on a regular basis and savor it.
We live once they say, so don't miss anything that you might regret. Take care, xo
BUT ...
When one party sets out deliberately to make it "the worse" I think all bets are off. I would not stick around for abuse in any form. Goodbye. (I mean abuse before the dementia. Dementia may call for some allowances.)
I would not abandon a spouse I had stayed with up until dementia, but I would not be responsible for 24/7 hands-on care. The farthest I would go is to find a great care center solution, advocate for his best care, and visit sometimes.
But that is me. I have never been of the faith or mindset the a wife is attached to her husband's hip.
Trust, if you can find an honest answer to the question that plagues you, "why am I continuing to stay with and care for this person?", then maybe that will help you decide what you should do next.
I have Mom in an adult daycare program from 9-3 4 days a week. At first she didn't like it, but as the dementia progressed, she stopped complaining and now enjoys her time there. It's a lot of work to get her there and back as she is in a wheelchair and I have to get her in and out of the car by myself. No, my husband does not offer to help, or even start my car for me. He is usually still in bed when I leave.
Believe me when I say I know what you are dealing with and have those days too! As you read more threads here you will find that no one escapes the depression, anger, and sometimes humiliating treatment they get as caregivers.
If it was all goodness and light, there would not be a need for a site like this. I have been a member for 3 years and have made lifelong friends here that have gotten me through some pretty tough times. Like Vstefans said, if things are that bad for you, maybe you need to rethink what you have committed yourself to! Good luck!
If there is no changing or fixing the person who is so abusive, and many times there is not, you have to change something rather than simply be totally sucked into depression yourself. This person, no matter what their needs, does not have a right to destroy you while you try to meet them. Some people find they can set some limits on the worst behaviors - and suprisingly even in moderate to severe dementia they may have a sense of when the line is crossed and they will not have you there anymore to be yelled at, or trying to care for them at home. Some people find that the main thing they need to do is to stop blaming themselves, feeling guilty, and taking the bad behavior and negativism personally. You will find stories of some people on here who found that they could not keep doing all the caregiving themselves and were able to get help; some find they have an option and decide on an out-of-home placement, some have even had to greately reduce their involvement with the abusive person. If there is truly NOTHING positive about your being the caregiver it is time for a change, maybe a drastic one. It is no use the person being as unhappy as they would be if you weren't there AND you getting your life ruined in the process.
I'm better now. I guess we have to find our own inner joy generator.