I have posted on here many times and answered questions every now and then. Dad passed away Oct 7th 2013 from Liver Cancer . He was in a hospice facility for 11 days until he died. The day before he was admitted he was in the hospital and was talking,eating and very clear headed but his ammonia levels were high and he had been very combative, not eating and wouldn't take his meds for 4 days at his nursing home. ( He was in for a Psych Evaluation.) The hospice worker talked to me about admitting him instead of returning to the nursing home. I agreed to this and arrangements were made. He was transferred later that day and was alert and in good spirits. The next morning he was unresponsive and stayed that way until he passed. They gave him morphine and ativan around the clock. He never got any water but they did cleanse his mouth and moisten it with swabs. It seemed like he could hear me the first few days because I would shake his shoulder and say "dad". His eyes seemed to be moving under his eyelids and his mouth would move slightly. I did ask about them lowering his dosages so he could wake up a little. The nurse said he was getting a very small dosage already. I just wonder if the drugs made him unresponsive and if less was used he could have ate and drank and lived longer. I know it was time for him to go but I'm kinda puzzled about his going from complete alertness and straight into unresponsiveness so quick. The nurses did a Great job. I myself don't know how they do it. They treated dad like he was their baby. So gentle and compassionate. I was just wondering if anyone else had the feeling that death felt a little rushed once their loved one was placed in Hospice.
That is understandable, and also very sad, flowgo. Do you think that your mother would want you brooding on this so long? Have you been to a therapist since this has happened, to help you move forward with your own life?
My mother has a similar underlying condition, as I think your dad did, where the inefficiency of their hearts causes fluid buildup around their lungs. Sometimes fluid can be drawn off, but there comes a time when that is no longer possible. We have our mom on "comfort care", not hospice, because she has some other medical issues that are still responding to intervention. We have been told that if this begins to happen again to mom (the buildup of fluid), that morphine will be administered to ease her breathing and to prevent her from feeling as though she is drowning. I want my mother to pass painlessly, peacefully and without anxiety when her time comes.
Could your father have been saved by draining his lungs instead of giving him morphine? I surely don't know. But apparently the medical professionals thought not, and your brother and sister with enough training to understand what the professionals were recommending agreed. It sounds to me (reading between your lines) that your brother and sister tried to explain this to you in non-technical terms, and perhaps the full importance of what they were saying didn't sink in.
Dear pshu333, your father's death was a great blow. Give yourself time to gradually heal to a more comfortable place. The real blow here is the death, and that is what you must accept and mourn. You were not "betrayed." In fact this was not about you at all. This was your father's drama. Focus now on your memories of him, of what parts of him live on in you, and on your grief at losing him. Give up all your concern over what words were used to describe his care and all the "what ifs" that can't be answered now. The real cause of your grief is enough to deal with. Let all the shadow issues go.
Hugs to you. You will never "get over" your dear father's death, but you will get past the intense and constant grief, and settle into a more comfortable knowledge that he remains a part of you.
blondmedicdoglv, I am very sorry to hear of your father's death. If he was on hospice I'm sure you knew he was in the final stage, but when it happens suddenly it is especially shocking and painful for the family. Hugs to you. Personally, I would rather go within 4 days of being laughing and joking, than have the experience drug out -- but of course we don't often get to choose. Were you your father's medical POA? Please let us know how your case proceeds. We learn from each other.