I've given up 4 months of my life to take care of my mom. I put my life on hold, took family leave, neglected my sons, neglected me, neglected my friends, and just neglected life trying to take care of my mom since October while my sister never even took any time off.
My mother gave me DPOA Financial and it's been that way since October. I've taken care of everything with little help from my sister. Every time I take a break (3-4 days away) my sister would get sick and have to go to the hospital, as some of you know.
I have all my moms paper work and there is none at my moms house. There are different people coming in and out, caregiver, and she asked me to take it. Now this last week she'd been asking me to bring the paper work back. I finally said OK, knowing my mom cannot even READ now, she will look at something and can't read one thing. Her eyesight has been effected and the doctor knows it. Anyway I'll continue....everytime I am away for a while my mom starts calling me asking me a bunch of questions. I answer them then she calls back with the same questions again and again and again. Beginning Dem/Alz I realize this by reading from these posts. I also realize she's just a shell of the mother that was and although that in itself is very very hard to deal with, I've dealt with it continuing to go over and do what was needed to be done.
Everything that my mom needed I ordered. Everything that needed to be paid I paid. Everyone that needed to be notified I notified. I even alphabatized all her paper work and put it in a nice file cabinet and in a safe deposit box.
Keep in mind that my sister, her husband, and their 2 teenage kids live in my moms house yet I've been the delegated one so everyone else just kicked back. Anyway everytime I am gone for a few days when I return I feel like a stranger in my moms house and I feel my sister is busy undermining everything I do. Well here goes the killer!
Low and behold my sister convinces my mom to remove me as DPOA and make her DPOA. Can you believe it. But although I am very dissapointed in my mom I know she is being manipulated and handled but I am going to look at it this way.
They need not bother calling me when she goes to the hospital. I won't fill in. My mom need not call me when she THINKS no one is there with her, I will not respond. I will not answer my phone.
I have made myself sick, literally sick from all of this. I actually now know that one can become sick yourself just from doing so much for that "special parent". I do not plan on being sick anymore.
I've been complaining about my sister not doing anything for a while on line here but now the ball is in her hand and I am passing the batton on to her. She can have at it and I will become the complacent one. I will become the one that has been talked about and been called the deadbeat. I will take all this in stride, although I am hurting at the thought that my mom has agreed to this. I am truly hurting.
I'll allow about 3 days to hurt and then I'm gonna pick myself up, get back in shape, and get back to work. I'll let my sister take care of all of this and I will feel no shame about it.
Now don't think I'm not rulling out praying because after I finish this bottle of wine, I'm gonna open up my Bible and ask God to remove this malice I have in my heart. Gonna ask him to give me peace, gonna ask him to show me how to forgive and forget. Oh I'm gonna fall down on my face and pray because no matter what no one says there is power in prayer.
I also just bought a full spectrum light, figuring this is a non-work help in mood...for both of us. will report if it seems to make a difference. Another non-work help is the massage pads for chairs, with heat (shiatsu type probably too rough on old bodies)...and a Homedics foot massager. These can help keep the circulation going, give some pampering, and might actually help bowels move along. Old folks might not be able to take too much of it though.
I must say, I borrowed a 5-lb set of hand weights from the neighbor, and just started pumping flab whenever I saw the weights. I'd lift it ten times in various ways. I then bought an 8-# weight, and will soon get a 10#. Getting myself stronger so I can hold Mom up and help lift her has made a huge difference to ME, and I am more secure lifting her. I have also kept after mom to learn how to scootch in her chair (like we'd do to move our chairs a bit while seated in them) so she isn't dead weight.
Gigglebox, you're precious with your prayers. Good suggestion for Pam to take some time to think...and ask God to lead.
Went to moms on Saturday. Sister and her family were there getting ready to leave. Finally, don't know when, but they got on the road.
I layed on the floor reading for a while, and mom was doing the usual, looking out the window. The T.V. was on but no one was watching it. I turned it off then all of a sudden WELCOME BACK, CHANGE THIS POOPIE DIAPER!!!! no worries. My mom asked me if I remembered how. I told her dear mother I'm the one who taught sister how.
Finally I said "mom I miss you and I wonder if you realize that when you got sick, I got sick too". Mom said I have no idea what it's like to be bedridden, not able to do anything for yourself, and have to watch life through everyone else, pass you by. I was kind of floored by that so I got up off the floor and layed down next to her. I just held onto her because it seemed like she was crying out to me. Then I got hit with a wammy!
Mom says that sis wants me to come back and take care of mom 1-2 days a week so that the "help" bill won't be so much. Now sis is realizing it is a lot more than she thought it was and they want my help again. So the question becomes should I bail them out, or not. And that's why I've not been on line.....I been thinking on everything.
The time with mom was great though and I have realized that my moms illness actually took a lot more out of me that I'd ever admitted. It's as though when she got sick, I got sick because of our closeness. Mom admitted that she can no longer focus anymore, yet she could tell me all about my wedding reception, or the births of both my boyz. It's amazing the way the mind works. She is still asking the same questions over and over again not retaining anything and I get so disgusted.
She is still looking for this imaginary black jogging suit though, oh gosh I think I'm gonna buy her one and say I found it at my house. What's the harm.
The "help" arrived early, @ 11:00 p.m. and was shocked that mom was still awake. She asked why she hadn't gone to sleep yet and my mom said "because I'm excited that Pam is here". I fooled her though because I didn't leave until 1:15 a.m. and mom was still awake.
Mom kept telling me she wanted pancakes for breakfast and I kept telling her that I wasn't staying the night, ever again actually, but she never really got it until I was leaving for the night.
Being reeled in again.........nah.........this time my sister is gonna have to pay me to stay there. I'll help them out, but if they want my help, they will have to pay for it. And I will draw up my own contract and all three of us will have to sign it.
Yes I've kept track of everything that has happened Ed, or atleast I've tried. I bought a file cabinet (2 drawyers) specifically for that just in case I have to give an account because I feel I will.
I still don't trust whats going on over there, but atleast if I start going back, I'll know and that's really what it will be all about. Knowing how mom is doing.
Seems so strange when I'm away for a while to see her laying there. Everytime she seems to get smaller and smaller, weaker, and weaker, struggling so hard to hold on and that's what is so hard. When you're so used to your parent being like large Marge and in charge, then revert back to something else whewwwwwwwwww well you already know how that feels.
I was shaken up on Friday because mom kept calling. I was mad because sister wouldn't. When I went over there sister was in the room and never opened her mouth to me, and I didn't open my mouth to her.
Mom did say that she told sister and brother in law NOT to put her in a home and made them promise. When she asked me about it I told her that I've given my sonz permission to put me in a home because it is not their responsibility to take care of me. Their lives need to continue without the burden of me. Mom said I was cold blooded and that was not the way she raised me. I said yes and this is MY wishes for my children, which has nothing to do with her care.
I think I've taken up enough time and there is still much to figure out but I wanted to check in and thank all of you for your prayers and concerns. You all keep me going.
I'm sorry love, but I've neglected checking my wall messages lately.
Were you born for slavery? Since your sister is so bent in being the puppeteer, dump everything in her cart along with DPOA. She's already living with your mom and apparently there's a care team available, so it's not like the old woman will be stranded. ... I hope.
This will take courage, but I'd ask your sister what her motivation is. If it's financial control only while leaving the care to everyone else, you're still going to be stuck. If it turns out she believes she can do a better job than you, then don't hesitate to accommodate her wishes. I don't doubt for a minute she'll put up a fight, so get ready for the fallout.
If you don't put it down in black and white it never happened, so keep everything in writing; including your sister's reasons for wanting to be DPOA. Whether she becomes DPOA or not, and no matter what happens, you'll know in your heart that you did the best you could. You can't continue to neglect your own family, put your health at risk, and enjoy life.
Now, let's review that priority list of yours. ...
ave a good night folks.
Gotcha Alz, I'll have to catch it later. I sure hope it's something that will make me laugh.
I had my son to call, sis wouldn't even answer the phone, (did I really think she would) well he left a msg. Simultaneously mom was calling and I told her what time I'd be there too.
Come on really let's be real, would you go out of town after just getting out of the hospital.
I'm num, and all this while I'm getting ready to go to work.
She said that my sister called the "help" last night and had her to go BACK over to my moms house. Can you believe that???????? and now my mom wants me to call my SISTER and ask her what day she needs me to come stay with my mom while she goes out of town???????????//
Out of town, out of town, if you're just going in and out of the hospital, should you be going out of town. I don't think so.
This is all getting to be a bush of bs and I'm gonna have to put my rpide aside and not sacrifice my mother's well being. Excuse me while suck up................
I called and called and called before she was in charge. She wouldn't answer. Atleast I did that to ask for help. Now maybe she feels that since she has the "help" she doesn't need my help!
She has called and said NOTHING! NOT ONE THING! I'm done sucking up, I'm cucked out. (no pun intended).
Alz you are right.
I sure would like to know how you plan on taking care of someone from either out of town or from the hospital.