I've given up 4 months of my life to take care of my mom. I put my life on hold, took family leave, neglected my sons, neglected me, neglected my friends, and just neglected life trying to take care of my mom since October while my sister never even took any time off.
My mother gave me DPOA Financial and it's been that way since October. I've taken care of everything with little help from my sister. Every time I take a break (3-4 days away) my sister would get sick and have to go to the hospital, as some of you know.
I have all my moms paper work and there is none at my moms house. There are different people coming in and out, caregiver, and she asked me to take it. Now this last week she'd been asking me to bring the paper work back. I finally said OK, knowing my mom cannot even READ now, she will look at something and can't read one thing. Her eyesight has been effected and the doctor knows it. Anyway I'll continue....everytime I am away for a while my mom starts calling me asking me a bunch of questions. I answer them then she calls back with the same questions again and again and again. Beginning Dem/Alz I realize this by reading from these posts. I also realize she's just a shell of the mother that was and although that in itself is very very hard to deal with, I've dealt with it continuing to go over and do what was needed to be done.
Everything that my mom needed I ordered. Everything that needed to be paid I paid. Everyone that needed to be notified I notified. I even alphabatized all her paper work and put it in a nice file cabinet and in a safe deposit box.
Keep in mind that my sister, her husband, and their 2 teenage kids live in my moms house yet I've been the delegated one so everyone else just kicked back. Anyway everytime I am gone for a few days when I return I feel like a stranger in my moms house and I feel my sister is busy undermining everything I do. Well here goes the killer!
Low and behold my sister convinces my mom to remove me as DPOA and make her DPOA. Can you believe it. But although I am very dissapointed in my mom I know she is being manipulated and handled but I am going to look at it this way.
They need not bother calling me when she goes to the hospital. I won't fill in. My mom need not call me when she THINKS no one is there with her, I will not respond. I will not answer my phone.
I have made myself sick, literally sick from all of this. I actually now know that one can become sick yourself just from doing so much for that "special parent". I do not plan on being sick anymore.
I've been complaining about my sister not doing anything for a while on line here but now the ball is in her hand and I am passing the batton on to her. She can have at it and I will become the complacent one. I will become the one that has been talked about and been called the deadbeat. I will take all this in stride, although I am hurting at the thought that my mom has agreed to this. I am truly hurting.
I'll allow about 3 days to hurt and then I'm gonna pick myself up, get back in shape, and get back to work. I'll let my sister take care of all of this and I will feel no shame about it.
Now don't think I'm not rulling out praying because after I finish this bottle of wine, I'm gonna open up my Bible and ask God to remove this malice I have in my heart. Gonna ask him to give me peace, gonna ask him to show me how to forgive and forget. Oh I'm gonna fall down on my face and pray because no matter what no one says there is power in prayer.
You are right, it may not be puzzles, but there has got to be something she'd rather do than to stay in the bed and look out the window. I can hardly bear sitting in that room with her laying in the bed.
She sounds a lot like "froggy" from the little rascals now. I miss her little girl voice. Man oh man.
We tried giving mom everything she asked for and more, but nothing we did pleased mom. She's found her life outside, and calls just-made acquaintances her "new family." Wierd. At least she's nice to them. And she gave up her husband, her dog, her home, and most of her possessions, trading them in for a tiny little oppressive apartment. Strange. Whatever makes em happy! We're so glad we don't have to try pleasing her anymore.
Dad is easy. Just showing up makes him smile. He kind of just goes with the flow. Advanced Stage Alzheimer's is like that once they get past a certain point.
She told me she can't work in the yard anymore. Said she doesn't feel like it. I just talked to her and we made plans to go out there and work in the garden. Now she doesn't want too.
Gardening was always therapy for her, made her so happy, and vibrant, with a sense of accomplishment, (you should see it it's beautiful). Now it's as if her spirit has just left and she has no initiative. She had just come in from sitting outside in her wheelchair in the back yard with the "help".
Come Friday I'm going but should I just insist, (which may not do any good and the "help" may report back that I am being mean) or should I just work with her on the crossword puzzles.
I guess they lose so much confidence in themselves and that's what really wears on our minds. Mom was a go-getter, now she's a no-getter and I'm still trying to get her to just get!
Does that make sense, or am I just rambling.
Alz tell us again how you got your mom involved. And is there anyone else who has insisted on their parent doing something that they just don't want to do?
Where we going to be girls?
on the boat, baby.
lovbob
My mom said to me, when I was there Saturday, "don't touch nothing in here because I don't want anyone to say that you took anything". I said "WHAT", my mom said that my sister thinks since I had all the paperwork (that my mom told me to take mind you, but I bet she didn't tell my sister that).
So now I'm a thief, now I'm a frickin' thief. How low can I sink if I have to resort to stealing all my mothers "JUNK" from her delapidated house. Wow I was so blown away that I started crying. I asked my mom if she really thought I would steal from her and she said no but my sister does. Now I didn't even go into the fact that maybe that's what good old sis is doing since she's in Las Vegas at this very minute, (Saturday that is). Hmmmmmmmm ! I was hurt, and dissapointed, and really ready to get out of there at that point, however I stayed and kept her company for a while.
She called me Saturday night to see if I was coming over on Sunday. I said yes. I went.
She called @ 4 in the morning to say she felt so good she was gonna go to the restroom on her own. I discouraged that, then I noticed my sister came in the room. I also noticed they had a baby monitor when I was there so I made sure to turn it off while I was there so the help couldn't hear.
She called me Monday and asked if I could come over and watch her my sister went to run some errands. Well I couldn't because I was in the streets with my son taking him to job interviews. God knows he needs another job since he was laid off from his last one.
Now sis didn't call me to tell me she was going out of town or to ask me to come stay with mom. My mom told me and asked me to come over. That's why because she wanted to let me know what my sister was up too. But I remember people telling me not to get too comfortable because sis would be calling soon enough.
The conclusion I've come too, my mom has always played my sister and I against one another. Tell me one thing, tell sis another. She is in a bind and always has been because sis and her family are there with her, I am not. I'm not falling into that trap anymore, and I'm not going over there to look after her either. When she calls I'm gonna tell her I don't want to be tempted with all the wonderful things she has to STEAL anything so it would be better that I NOT come.
I still like the idea of tasks to do. I'm going to the bookstore tomorrow and novelty shop or game stop, somewhere to see what I can find to do with my mom. That way I won't be in her room, she won't be in that bed, and she will be working her mind and her hands. That's important.
Yeah I'm still hurt about what she said to me, but I guess at this point I should expect anything.
It is what it is! I can refuse to go there, I can stay in the solitude of my own home, I have the choice of do I or don't I and for that I am now grateful. My sis can do her errands 2morrow when the "help who doesn't steal" is there.
Where's my darn Johnny Walker Red at?
Seligman continued studies on people doing concentration tasks, but annoying sounds kept going off. One group couldn't do anything about it, and the other had a switch to turn off the noise if it got too much. He found that the subjects who had the CHOICE continued working well even when the sounds were blaring. It meant so much to them deep inside that they had a choice and were not trapped by the situation, and they seldom turned off the noise.
So Pamela is now like those with the switch. Free in her mind, liberated, but now free to choose when/if she contributes, how much, and what quality. Similarly, my friends (I used to have friends) were waiting for me to put Mom in a nursing home so she'd be cared for and I can come "home" (a thousand miles from here.) No, I'd be down at the NH probably 8 hours a day, making alliances with the staff and other residents, and standing with/by Mom in her final weeks...ok, months (ok, it can take years).
Pamela is now in a position to raise her mother's quality of life to a whole other level, with just a few hours here and there. It can be much more satisfying for Pamela to contribute in that way rather than using every inch of her spirit and resources just keeping her mother alive.
Oops, Mom is awake, gotta go.
As far as painting and glueing, they aren't allowed to have those kinds of things because of the liability if one of the other residents that wanders were to get into those. Also, I didn't want anything that could be spilled that the caretaker would have to clean up after (thus the small package of large sized beads).
So sometime this week I will make my delivery and see how it goes! Thank you everyone! Sometimes we just need a seed planted to get the ball rolling. You have to change your way of thinking, it's very challenging sometimes but good for the brain, mine that is!
Think I won't, shoot I'll be over there Wednesday with one BIG one that she can do on the dining room table.
Thank you
TV wise, catch the shows "Dirty Jobs" and "How it's Made." Think they are both Discover Channel shows...probably avail on DVD.
There are hundreds of Lego theme sets that make transformer monsters, pirate ships, Star Wars vehicles, etc. No glue. Save the boxes for when he's done and takes them apart.
Another thing is there are 3D puzzles that make things like the Empire State Building and Notre Dame.
There are books about how it's made. The books contain cutaway diagrams of a building project, like the Titanic. That would be great for hours of poking around.
Computer wise, you can download the first levels of two games that would probably fascinate him. The did me. ONe is Crayon Physics, where you draw with the mouse a crayon looking like (a pendulum, ramps,, "weighty rocks" to get a circle ball to roll to the desination. Delightful ,simple yet challenging.
Another buildit computer game is called World of Goo. Here you extrude triangular bits of stiff goo to build Eiffel-tower like structures for the goofy goo balls to enter the suck hole. It's totally addictive, He could probably stay on the first few levels. Just building the structures is fun enough, but is sure a reward to get to the next level.
Another building project that does not involve glue ... erector sets. Make little wind up cranes, etc. Start small and see if he likes it. Other ideas might be at educational toy store or online.
for squirrels, there is an anti-squirrel bird feeder. When the squirrels get to the bottom level, the base zooms around like a manic merry go round, and the squirrel hangs on for dear life until flung like a frizzby across the yard. Great of hours of glee. Of course, we feed squirrels directly, and I even built a special bar to go over the kitchen door. It has a fold out table. I added stencils of flowers and a giant squirrel in the middle of the table. I got carried away, but glad I did. Feeding our Lil Peanuts, our Babies, is the center of Mom's life, good for at least two hours a day. Here's blog about it with photos. http://whendoesthegladstart.blogspot.com/2010/01/our-little-peanuts-feeding-squirrels.html