Many of us caregivers come from dysfunctional families and deal with the painful impact of that almost daily.
The good news is that we don't have to be like our dysfunctional family. There is freedom, but like any freedom it takes hard work. Here's a poem that I wrote about this.
May we strive to not allow our wounds to make us into the person who gave us those wounds.
cmag - change does mean making different choices but it is not as simple as telling others what to do. They have to see that it will benefit them to make different choices, and decide to make those choices for their own reasons. We can share our experiences, tell them what we think is best in the circumstances, but, at the end of the day, each person makes their own decisions.
This forum has impacted many people's lives very powerfully by validating their feelings, providing support, helpful suggestions, a place to vent to those who understand, information on a wide range of topics and more. It had helped people make healthy changes.
However, I do think there is a window of time in which such a choice can be made but after that point, the likely hood for change spirals downward.
For example and this is a very common one, if a man is in his 40ties and emotionally enmeshed with his mother, most of the time it is too late for change and if he is married, she is fighting a what is very likely a loosing battle. If already married, this will require some hard work in marriage counseling and may even require individual therapy for the husband.
Given how sever and deep the damage, it creates fear in some to even think about making a choice for change.Those we must respect where they are, not abandoned them, but continue to give them our love for one day because of our support they find the strength and courage to make choices they never made before.
If change was as simplistic as just make the right choices now that you see what they are, then therapists and sometimes anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds would not be needed. The good news is that freedom is available, but the bad news is that for a number of people to deal with the collateral fallout on their mental health, they will likely spend the rest of their life in therapy and on some sort of medicine.
Without going into all of the details this has been my wife's experience in dealing with her narcissistic mother.
Telling people just to make the right choice is far to simplistic. It is simple but difficult move for very many to make.it is sort of comparable to telling someone who has clinical depression to just choose to think about positive things in their life or to just choose to snap out of it. Neither comment is a realistic choice for them due to the chemical imbalance in their brain and that might be a sign that their meds needs adjusting.
This is probably too long of a reply and far more than what needed to be said, but I feel energized to share all of this. Hope someone finds it helpful.
Windyridge - no disrespect but I think It is a matter of choice, and agree with you that you can choose not to go down with the ship. Then comes the hard work. I know what you mean as being the one who stepped in and took care of crises. I am the responsible one too and I think you are a great person for doing what had to be done. It isn't easy, but you can respect yourself.
Let me encourage anyone in this battle - and it is a battle - you can leave much or all of the dysfunction behind, you can learn to deal better with it, you can achieve a better life, more peace, less disrespect. You can surround yourself with people who build you up, not who use you and drag you down. It takes some hard decisions and work, but it can be done.
Start by doing something good for you today.
We must understand their plight and how much fear they experience over making the smallest move toward freedom. While we can't force them to get help and get free, we must not abandon them, but continue to love them and be there for them.
What a cop out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family
Years of being in therapy.
can set one free.
Once one has seen the light
one can't claim ignorance in the fight
The choices now made,
can't be blamed on those others made,
What a cop out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family
One can say “the end” and chose to be free.
Such freedom hard work in therapy.
To excuse the lack of personal responsibility
keeps oneself inflicted by one's dysfunctional family.
Empower oneself,
Stop empowering to the old self
What a cop out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family
Stop waiting for others to repent,
I's wasted energy can be better spent.
To still wallow in the pain,
Produces no gain.
Stop empowering it,
by holding on to it
It's time to say “the ending”,
and now “the beginning”.
What a cop out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family