I used to love the Holidays. Now Im reduced to wondering if my mother or any of her other daughters are going to take ANY initiative to figure out where Mom spends the holiday or am I going to be the one making the decision AGAIN. Christmas, me and my Hubby go home to see OUR kids. NO mom can NOT go with us. She cannot afford the trip and to pay for hotel rooms and and to be in a car for a week ( LOTS of miles on this trip ) and Im am just NOT lugging her around with us the whole time. That's one of the lines I have drawn in the sand. Hopefully next year she will be there. in her own place again so she can become part of the visit , but until then she needs to go with another sibling. Only 1 sister has offered ( as usual ) and If my mother and her other daughters don't make plans shes going to that sisters in Tennessee whether she wants to or not. I know my mother dosent really want to go back to visit this sister, thats where she went last Christmas and it didn't end well....but that's too bad , that's whats going to happen If I am the 1 left to make her plans. It infuriates me the my mother cant or just wont take the initiative to do SOMETHING for herself ( at least HELP make a plan for HER life). And her other daughters don't care as long as they don't have to do anything themselves. So I already Know what I have to look forward to. Just 1 more thing to worry about....
Bless you for being there to REALLY take care of your mother.
findingpeace, I hope know one sees me as the mooching 63-year old daughter who lives with my mother. Probably many people do. If your mother is 86 I'm glad she has someone living with her. Does he do any caregiving?
For myself, we didn't do Thanksgiving with my brother as planned. Mom was not doing so well, so I told her that we weren't going to go. It would have been too hard with the way things were. I feel very good about saying no. I just wish I had said it right off the bat and saved a lot of work and worry. I thought I would feel guilty after the fact that we didn't try, but I don't. I know it was the right decision. It would have been miserable.
Actually we had a good time..
Kidney stones [no not a side dish] threw a wrench into my plans, so I still had time to give notice to the Agency to have caregivers available for Dad. Dad had his regular weekday caregiver and she was happy to be getting time & a half, so she took Dad to Cracker Barrel for Thanksgiving.... Dad liked the food but he commented the place was way too noisy.
Today the Agency called asking about Christmas and New Years, and I said go ahead and schedule caregivers for those days. Heck at my age, anything can happen :P
However, I am through with the family drama which has only gotten worse over the years.
I no longer expect anything from my siblings. Siblings are just too full of their self importance.
Of course due to these brats, I have had to hear about it from my mom. Not anymore! I am officially through with the drama! From this moment on my parents are not allowed to talk about my siblings in my presence! If they do--we leave!
I have learned that life is too short to have to deal with people I just don't care for. Quality is all I am interested in. Done with the forced family stuff for the sake of tradition. No more stress over stuffing, cranberry sauce, pacing conversations for fear there will be some political blow up. Forget it all!
Christmas. A most beloved holiday for billions around the globe, and who screws it up? Family drama. This crap has to end! Well, it won't end so you have to end it yourself!
First off, I celebrate Christmas all month long. There is so much to do! So many parties, light shows, helping the homeless, visiting veterans in the hospital, volunteer, donate, adopt a family, buying gifts for children that do not have much, getting involved by helping others, play Santa, bringing treats to the animals at shelters, adopt a pet, give blood, meet with people in assisted living facilities and talk with them as they are lonely--the list is really endless. Not enough here? Just google it! By the time the 24th and 25th come around I'm beat. I usually give these days a break and start putting away decorations.
I will be taking my folks out and having some special dinners throughout the month, check out beautiful lights etc.
I refuse to give up the glory of December because of stupid family crap. So I am flushing it down and going about my business helping others.
Someday my parents will pass away and I will have great memories of years past. I am lucky I had those. Very lucky.
The traditions I am making now are far better.
Blackhole, my parents didn't take down their Christmas decorations for years. My mother would put the decorated tree and all the other things in the back bedroom so they would be ready for next year. When I came here to stay for a month we had to clear a path in the bedroom to the bed. And I had a Christmas tree there to enjoy all month. SMH. And she didn't have dementia then. She just didn't want to bother with taking down the tree.
And husband says has off Wednesday thru Sunday..
I was so looking forward to Mom being at Daycare on Wednesday and being able to prepare some things before Turkey Day alone!!!
BUT this being a holiday week makes it so hard!!!
I'll be cooking dinner for my immediate family and only one of my sisters (fav, my support) will call Mom.. The rest of them 5 will not even give a crap...
I can't wait till the holidays are over!!
BTW, eating at The Cracker Barrel sounds like a great idea! Haven't been there for years.
Thanks for bringing forward an important thought about how we should learn to be flexible and erradicate undue stress from our holidays!
But my Mom apparently liked her "job" as being the housewife, having the whitest sheets on the backyard clothes lines, keeping her house sparkling clean [I remember her on her knees waxing the wood floors], so cooking meals and grocery shopping made her happy. She was the Martha Stewart of her time.
As for myself, anytime I watch "Everyone Loves Raymond" and everyone is raving about Marie's cooking, I am the "Debra" character [Ray's wife who can't cook].
I need to figure out Thanksgiving this year as for the first time my parents aren't together, as Mom is in long term care, and Dad has caregivers [will give the caregivers the afternoon/evening off and bring Dad to my house]. Guess I will once again have the grocery store cook the meal and I bring it home to heat up. But sig other will be working Thanksgiving as usual, as world security doesn't stop for the holidays.
Of course naturally all the women pitched in with last minute prep and clean up, now when I tell my family not to bother they actually listen to me and leave the clean up to me. LOL
I might check into a local place who hosts Christmas lunch or dinner, like a church, senior center or local ministry. They host meals and present gifts. It might be a way she could feel welcomed and able to enjoy the spirit of the season who want to make her day brighter. There are people who give of their time and energy on Christmas to make it special for those who need it. I'd afford Mom an opportunity to enjoy it. And hopefully, they would help with transport due to her mobility issues.
I miss seeing my in-laws with the caregiving requiring more time plus working on the day after most holidays. So they come and we just potluck, no dress up or fuss, just hang out, watch movies and stuff. Hub puts up a nice tree with lights and fresh pine cones that smell like ginger baked cookies and we have a nice time. Even my parents have a nice time.
We invite friends or whomever wants to come and have nowhere to go or need to decompress and rehab emotionally somewhere else after a stressful family dinner and we just all talk, play games, things that are relaxing and fun without expectation of presents or anything. It's the best time, peaceful and now I look forward to them.
I have always been a total Grinch - hate holidays since my childhood. The first year we were all here with Mom, my sister put up Mom's tree and decorated her house, telling me "Well, don't you think she deserves to have Christmas too?"
The last two years, my sister has been sidelined by her own health issues, including a leg she can't bear weight on. So Mom ropes me in with this approach "Well, Sissie did it for me last year, but she can't do it this year, so will you put up my tree and decorate my house?" I warned my sister because I kner this would end up on my list as well!
In fact, the last two years, I've not only put up and taken down my mother's Xmas decoration, I've decorated and undecorated my sister's house as well!
After caring for her for four years she went into a NH 3 years ago and passed away a few weeks ago. As usual, on Christmas I'll make a nice meal, chow down on cookies and chocolates ... things I never do ... have a little wine and watch old movies Out in the country, wood stove going, peace and quiet, snow on the ground and surrounded by my beloved critters. I look forward to it.