Reading some of the extreme difficulties some people have makes me hesitant to complain about minor difficulties. My husband is still in the early stage of Alzheimer’s but misplaces things constantly, keys, wallet, the usual. He also forgot where he left the car. He forgot to turn off the hazard lights. Twice. He forgot to pick me up at a doctor’s appointment. These small annoyances make me forget that he is ill and I end up losing patience. He seems so normal until he does something ridiculous and I foolishly and irritably try to get him to remember things. He confuses dates and times and doesn’t know the name of one of our grandchildren and I keep trying to get him to remember. How can I obtain the patience I will surely need in the future and calm my irritation?
I remember my neighbor used to get really upset and embarrassed by her husband with dementia. It took her awhile to come to terms with the reality of the situation. I think the sooner you do that, the better. You could work on accepting the situation and NEVER expecting your husband to learn something new or stop doing things wrong. It's going to be your new normal.
Take some deep breaths. Do some reading. Get some help at home so that you do not burn out too fast.
You can try a bowl at near the door where wallet and keys always go when you enter the house. A little sign on the bowl - keys/wallet. Loss of items is very, very common and very frustrating to those trying to locate them. Keep an extra set of keys in your purse to avoid the aggravation for both of you.
Patience is hard but required. You just have to accept that his brain is broken and all the reminders or repeating yourself won't fix it. Terrible disease.
Next, you are going to have to change your mindset soon. I am truly sorry, but it’s a fact. You need to learn now not to depend on him for rides. In fact, he won’t be able to continue driving much longer. Please be grateful that he “seems so normal.” Try to cherish theses days. I think perhaps you are experiencing some denial- which is absolutely normal. In my opinion, you need to get going now - please don’t wait. Your husband’s journey may be long, but it could also progress quickly. Blessings to you as this is not an easy road. Please come back to this site as there are many helpful people with experience. I know they have helped me tremendously.
You will, of course, be watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. My favourite is 'Brain changes in dementia.' Watching that just once helped me immensely. Once you really understand things get much easier. Seeing a Gerontologist or Neuropsychiatrist will be very helpful as time goes on. It takes years to learn how to deal with dementia, and those professionals and this forum are the only places I've found that really help. So keep learning. And if / when your husband's behaviour becomes really problematic, with accusations about theft or other paranoias, ask about medications. My mum takes a small dose of an antipsychotic, and it has been life changing for both of us.
And to reinforce the concerns about driving...my mum's GP, who is in his 70's and probably out of date, told me she should still be ok to drive as it was a long-held skill. It seemed doubtful, but we let it slide. She was self-limiting, saying she just went for little drives in the daytime in her local area. But she started mentioning going on her favourite drive 'last night' which demonstrated the inconsistency and inability to follow a preset determination which is evident in everything now. One day I was a passenger in her car when she realized she'd taken an incorrect turn. The way she made her correction made my hair stand on end! Immediately after making a left turn, as the first car in a busy left turn lane, she stopped and tried to make another left down a lane, across two busy lanes of traffic, stopping all the irate and honking drivers behind her. And she stubbornly held on to her plan - because she couldn't come up with any other plan. Telling you the long version to demonstrate what lack of judgement in driving looks like. And if you can't think quickly, how can you even manage to change lanes?
Fortunately she ended up in hospital for several days, delusional after surgery. A Gerontologist found out she still had her license and cancelled it pronto!
Believe your husband is doing the best he can and don't sweat the little things.
Things will get worse as that's the way the disease works.
Be glad that he can still do all the things he does.
Im sure you forget things too.
You will both be happier if you can find the humor in misplacing keys, wallet, ect.
You do need to check with his Dr about driving as he could have an accident or forget to stop at a stop sign.
Maybe you should be driving yourself to appointments?
Rather you have Alzheimers, Dementia or just old age brain fog or a Senior moment, that's life, we all go through it.
It's how you accept it.
Be happy he is still around.
Learn to Dance in the Rain.
Prayers
If he still drives you need to hide his keys. So many people with alzheimer's drive and get lost -- they can even drive across the country and clueless what they are doing. Contact the driver's license bureau and get his license removed replaced with an identification card (while he is still able to walk). He is NOT safe driving. He may end up killing someone like a child.
You have not seen anything yet. Consider these the good old days.
here are some practical tips:
1) notice his favorite hiding places. He will use them frequently
2) Learn how to use a Google home or even a cell phone for reminders. I set up multiple daily recurring reminders for my mom to take medication, to start getting ready for going out, etc… if you still feel comfortable with him driving than set up the GPS on his phone. I had programmed Siri to start the cell phone GPS to give direction to our home when she pressed the home button and said “take me home”. I did take her keys away after a few scary incidents. Driving is one that caregivers sometimes allow for longer than we should because we don’t want to admit to ourselves that this is happening.
3) get a white board and write down the daily schedule every morning in big clear writing. Include fun things like the Menu for lunch or dinner or if it’s your grand child’s birthday etc. This will give him a sense of control and limit him asking you or forgetting. routine is so important in early stages so that as the disease progresses they have something to lean on.
4) keep his closet and personal areas decluttered. I took 70% of moms clothes and stuff out of her room to reduce confusion and limit opportunities to hide stuff (she would hide bills and jewellery in her drawers). Let’s face it. As the disease progresses he won’t need much stuff so start decluttering now.
5) use a pill box with Morning/noon/evening and re-fill every night for the next day. I had left the full prescription with mom and then realized she was using 30 pills of her Synthroid in less than 15 days. She would take her pill in the morning, brush teeth and then take another!! Make sure you don’t leave medication for more than 1 day in his control.
good luck. With support and realistic expectations of yourself you will get through this.
I send my MIL small photo albums with pictures of the family - all labeled with names and relationships to her. She really enjoys them; your husband might as well.
Since your husband has early Alzheimer's disease, has he been evaluated for medications. There are a few medications that help with memory retention in the early stages.
Too much patience, when caring for a LO with dementia, can come at a price to you, the caregiver. We as spouses, want to care for our LO as long as possible, but because we've never encountered such a challenge, we tend to go beyond our capacity to provide proper care. We subject ourselves to caring beyond our limits of good caring. I agree, you still need patience to cope with his current behavior, but as you know, it'll get harder for you to retain your composure, and maintain your good physical and mental health. So have a plan when you will bring in outside help ( maybe now?) to give you some respite. Set yourself a boundary when you would consider looking for a care facility for him. Also, begin to educate yourself about AD. The 36 Hour Day, Learning to Speak Alzheimer's, and Surviving Alzheimer's are all excellent books that will give you some insight about caring for your husband. Search “dementia” on YouTube.
You imply that he is still driving. He no longer has the ability to safely drive. Driving takes awareness, ability to understand street signs, quick response time, judgment, etc. His reduced driving skills can result in an accident, or his getting lost far from home. His AD precludes him from driving any more.
We who have been down this road, offer you our empathy, best wishes and prayers.
I think more patience for you will come once you internalize that your husband has AD and becomes more and more forgetful and loses his ability to reason. Because your husband is in the early stages of AD and can have conversations and has some reasoning ability - you may emotionally forget about his disease .
Practice breathing when you want to snap. While journeying down this road find humor whenever and wherever you can; it will help reduce the stress that adds to to the tendency to snap.
I pray you and your husband find peace, grace and love.
I don't know how you can build up your patience level, to be honest......if I did, I'd be building my own up b/c I hear the irritation in my voice when dealing with my mother who suffers from dementia. She's gotten to the point where she invents stories and then insists she's right about them which drives me nuts and I know it shouldn't. But hey, we're all human too, right?
Have you gotten the book The 36 Hour Day? It's like an encyclopedia type reference book that has a TON of useful tips and information for the caregiver to a dementia/ALZ patient. Also watch a few Teepa Snow videos; she's wonderful and funny too, which is always helpful when we're frustrated and feeling overly serious about ourselves.
Don't forget Post It notes too..........they come in very handy when trying to spur DHs memory about the grandkids' names & things like that. I think it's easier for you to use a Post It note to spur his memory than trying to 'get him to remember', you know? Writing things down for him that he can refer to to spur his memory should be a helpful tool, especially a daily calendar type of tool he can scan at a glance.
Also, set up an area in the kitchen where he can drop off his stuff; things like keys and wallet, etc, in the same bin each time, where he can easily access them.
As far as picking you up from appointments, I don't think you should rely on him to remember such things anymore. You'd need to call to remind him while he's still able to drive, to ensure he'll show up. My DH has such a bad memory I can't rely on him to even drop something off at the post office for me, honestly. There are things I just know I have to do for myself, or else call him the minute he leaves the house to remind him of what he needs to do; send him off with a list, etc.
Remember to take a few deep breaths when you feel the irritation surging up and tell DH you love him. When my mother aggravates the snot out of me I'll say out loud "I love you mom but you can go jump off a bridge." For some reason, just saying that *where nobody can hear me* makes me feel better.
Good luck!