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I take care of my 78 year old grandmother. I'm here after researching the reverse of elder abuse (patients who abuse caregivers). I'm desperate for help. Everyone I've spoken to about my grandma's behavior believes she has dementia. However, she refuses to be tested & blames all the ensuing fights--recently become physical--on me. Nothing is her fault. If I confront her about an aggressive behavior she does--& believe me, she gets very physically threatening--she denies it & says I did it to her.

She is very manipulative & controlling, albeit in a very passive-aggressive way. Before this "switch" in personalities, which started 2 months ago, she would say "Ah-men! (amen)" or "I'm all upset!" when we need to discuss something. Whenever she said this, she'd walk away, sulk, & not eat a meal because her "stomach's all upset." She's never taken responsibility for her actions & instead has always blamed it on others.

She's told me that I'm fat (which I am), that I have "turkey legs" & she has "chicken thighs", not to "eat all those cookies!" when I only take two, & told my father to sit next to her in a restaurant booth because "there's no room" where I was sitting. (I was taking off my winter coat at the time, & there was more than enough room for him.)

She refuses to listen to me because I do not have the requisite equipment (read: I'm not a male, & I'm not my father), so any time I need to discuss something with her, it becomes a fight which ends in me telling her to "Call Dad."

She's begun to "forbid" me from calling my father, & has tried to prevent me from doing so during a particularly bad fight in the last few days. She's become obsessed with the amount of money I have & the amount of toilet paper I use, & tries to regulate how much I use. She's become paranoid that I'm snooping (have never done so), & tells all her friends that I'm "abusing" her (never done that either). She tells them how unhappy she is that I'm here & how she can't wait for me to move out. She tells them that I "start all the fights" we have (untrue--she is very physically aggressive with me: she storms into the room I'm occupying, begins to herd me into a corner & tries to prevent me from escaping that corner) & that she's "scared of" me. (This I don't know why, because I've never retaliated, although I have threatened to call the police if she ever strikes me again. She laughed like it was the best joke she'd heard in years.)

My situation has been reported to Elder Affairs in my state by 3 different people, & it has been classified as a high risk/high priority case. I am worried because my grandma is sweetness & light in public/around others, but when it's just us two, she's Mr. Hyde.

It's to the point where I've lived under near constant "high alert" mode for 2 months. I am on a sleep aid because I cannot sleep for fear that she's going to start a fight while I'm sleeping, & I'm constantly worrying when the next outburst from her will be, & if that one will be when she decides it's okay to hit me hard enough to give me a black eye or bloody nose. (If she does hit me, I'll be calling 911.) I am on anti-anxiety medication because I've begun to startle & physically shake when she so much as moves from one room to another. Because of our fights, my hand/wrist/arm tendonitis flares up so badly that it takes me a week to get to a point bearing a small semblance of normal. This is because my arms & hands shake so badly & so hard--a physical reaction to the elevated level of fear that I experience during them. I have to watch my back while she's in "crazy" mode because she charges my back when I turn it to her.

My family knows & understands that, because of the excessive reaction I have to my grandma, I now need to take care of myself. My father is under the delusion that our "problems" as he calls them will work themselves out if "we just talk to each other." The problem is my grandma's (new) idea of "talking" is her yelling at me about an issue I didn't know was an issue until she started yelling about it. His role has been to listen to my venting & nod in sympathy & says, "Give me more time & patience" when I beg him to "do something now."

I have no support.

Thanks for listening.

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I gather that your grandmother is living with you and your Dad? It appears that she has anger issues and possible dementia requiring medication. This can help tremendously if she is going to continue living in your home. Otherwise, might be time to find another place for grandmother as it sounds like it is only going to get worse.

Hugs to you and take care.
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This sounds like what my mother did to me and why I left her. Within a year she had my 17 year old son go down and live with her. He seemed to get along with her(I guess she did not know about drugs and things he was doing) but as time went by, she totally convinced him that I was a terrible daughter and mother to him(she even tried to get child support from me-and lost as he was not in school and too old). Whenever I called from 150 miles away, my son would get on the phone and yell at me telling me that I would upset "Grandma". He drove her to all doctor appts and to her precious Eastern Star meetings and spent 2 weeks a year with her up here at her summer house. I was not allowed to go there or my son would call the police and threaten to have me arrested. They then refused all my phone calls and let me talk into their tape machine. It was horrifying for me as I am a only child and I thought she was my best friend(she had me very confused about this my entire life). The last time I saw her alive was when she allowed me to sit on her porch and bring my birthday cake down-I was 60- and she gave me exactly 10 minutes of her time with me before she had to go in as she was getting ill. My son sat in the house and refused to come outside or and she did not allow me inside the house to see him. When she passed, my son did not tell me for 3 days. He had told my daughter and ex husband but not me. I had no way to get to her funeral. My son told me she had passed away in the hospital when he stepped out of the room for 10 minutes at 10PM at night. Again, I was horrified. Then the funeral director wanted me to sign papers for the funeral as I was the only next of kin, I refused till I could speak to my lawyer. My lawyer told me not to sign the papers or I would be liable for the funeral bills. They then had a quick burial and a memorial service at her new church. She changed religions the last 5 years of her life which is very strange to me. What was even more strange was that she left me nothing in the will and gave everything to my son. It was substanial-like over 2 million dollars. To this day, my son refuses to speak to me. He did have an autopsy done as she was to leave the hospital the next day. I do not have the death report or the autopsy results. Lawyers told me to forget about getting any property of hers as she had her will done at a lawyers office 2 years before she died and cut me out entirely. Please get out of this situation before it causes you more mental and physical pain. Why doesn't your dad want to take care of her? There must be a good reason. What is in her will, does everything go to your dad and nothing to you? Sounds strange.
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I live with my grandmother. My dad lives an hour & a state away. It feels like he lives here though because my grandma only listens to him. He can say something once & she'll remember it forever, but I can say something to her 15 times & she'll still forget. She's escalated in her sexist tendencies (existed before, but never this bad). I can't even talk to her anymore because she refuses to listen.

My father's under the delusion that our problems "will work themselves out" even though I've warned him many times that they will not.

She refuses to tell anyone she has problems. She won't let me go with her to the doctor, & refuses to let them talk to me, so all they can do is listen. She lies & says she's "fine" when anyone asks.

I have begged my father to do something about her escalating behavior but he keeps asking me for "more time & patience."

Hopefully, now that Elder Affairs has gotten themselves involved, my grandma will be forced to accept help that she's refused & rejected for years.
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Joymoon, I'm so sorry for the anguish you've been put through.

I do not know why my father doesn't want to step in. I guess he doesn't want to believe that his mother's going downhill fast? Not sure. It doesn't help that my uncle (his brother) has once again pulled a disappearing act. No one knows where he is & he refuses to get in contact with us. That may be another reason for his reticence.

I wish I could leave--I've tried everything. No one in the family is able to take me in due to various reasons; the Emergency Section 8 housing list is closed; & I don't make enough money from my job to support myself even in a rent-controlled apartment. As a last, desperate, measure, I contacted a state agency in the hopes that they'll be able to help me find a place to live while simultaneously helping me find a job that'll support myself because I'm coming up short.
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(I wish we could edit our posts instead of making new ones.)

As to my grandma's will, I have no idea what's going on in it. From the very beginning, I've told her I don't want to know what's in it. I just know what she wants us to do with the things she has (divide it up equally between her 4 grandkids--all girls--after my dad & uncle go through & take what they want first). Aside from the knowledge of where she's hidden the will, that's all I know.
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Try a room. A room in a house. That is way cheaper. Anything to get away from her. It looks like you will not get a penny, like I did. I served my mother well for 51 years but of course, never gave her a cup of tea. My son was like a husband to her and very strange, he is the carbon copy of what my father looked like. They basically lived like husband and wife for 10 years. My son is like a child as he has never worked and just goes fishing now and rides a trick bike around nyc at the age of almost 30. I do not get it. I do not understand why he was in the hospital at 10pm and that she died that night when she was cleared to come home. I believe there was foul play and that there is much more to this story that I do not know. All my stuff was still in her basement as I moved up here very quickly. She did not allow me to come and get the rest of it but sent up stuff I did not need in a van. What is in it for you? nothing. You can get a room for about 75 dollars a week, work in McDonalds, anything, just to get out of there. Start a life of your own before you do not have one. I started my life at 51, way too old and lost everything for leaving my mother at that age. She did not need caretaking. She drove, went to the hairdresser weekly, went out 6 out of 7 nights and had dozens of friends who comiserated with her about her lousy daughter, ME.
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I also think your dad knows how his mother really is and you are the patsy.
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You need to get out of this situation ASAP! Give your Dad a move out date and get busy making it happen. Let him know you are coming home (if he lives in your family home) and he needs to make arrangements for his Mother's care. Do you have a relative or friend you can go to on quick notice?

This is not a job for a young person. Your family is expecting you to give up your life and future. Sounds like your Grandmother needs professional care.

Hopefully you have installed another lock on your bedroom door so you can sleep at night.

Best of luck and God bless!
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Littletonway:

Locks on our bedroom doors are forbidden in our apartment building (policy; designed for people 55+). I know--I BEGGED for one to be installed.

I have nowhere to go. I have very few friends--2, in fact. Both cannot take me in. All family members are poor/have a territorial dog/health issues/other valid reason, so they can't take me in either. I've considered going to an emergency shelter, but that'd mean I'd have to leave my cat here, & that's something I'm not willing to do. I do not want my grandma to begin abusing my cat because I'm not here to be her punching bag.

I earn roughly $30/week at my job. They cut our hours because Corporate said we didn't meet any of the goals they'd set for my store. It's the first job I've had in 4 years (laid off); hopefully you can understand my reluctance to quit before finding another job. I live in an area rife with hospitals, & that's where all the jobs are. I have no medical training or I'd be all over those jobs. Spending a few years in school when I most need to leave the house is counterintuitive & counterproductive.

The state agency I spoke with said I might be eligible for some sort of grant, but I won't know more until I get assigned a caseworker & speak with them in more detail. They are fully aware of how urgent my situation is, & they are working very hard to get me out (assuming they can help me do so) ASAP.
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I know you love your cat, but you are more important. Can your dad take the cat? Your dad has to do something asap, he is using you. You have to understand this. He was severely affected by HER too and therefore has washed his hands of the problem and gave it to you. I did tell my son and daughter about my mother but they refused to believe me and coped with it knowing that she soon would be dead and would get all the money. In fact, I believe that my son threatened my mother in her old age to change everything to him and nothing to me or he would leave and put her in a assisted living home. This she would never do. So, she left everything to him. I believe that after 10 years with this woman, he could not take it anymore and did something to her that night to kill her. They do not do great autopsys for 94 year olds who have congestive heart failure. You are not like my son and besides, everything is going to your dad and other relatives, nothing to you. There is nothing in this for you, barely a safe room in the house without a lock. Put in a bolt lock, that is doable. If the management complains, leave, sleep in your car, anywhere but there. Your father must do something asap, give the problem back to him as he is getting all the money!!!!!!!
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No one can take my cat in, for the very same reasons they can't take me in.

I don't know the contents of the will. For all I know, I might get a little something. I might just get nothing. I really just do not know, & frankly, I really have no interest whatsoever in knowing what's in her will. I just know what my grandma wishes to have happen to her things (i.e., her jewelry, assorted knick-knacks, various furniture, etc.) after she dies. (Divvy it up between her sons & her 4 grandkids--6 people total.)

If I put a lock on my door, it's a violation of my lease. I have nowhere else to go. I don't even have a car. :(
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An update: I stayed in a shelter for 3 days in March. She went to several people & told them lies & I got threatened with a restraining order. That's why I went to a shelter--I was so scared.

My uncle (her younger son) believes her lies now, even though he should know me better than this. We have no contact. He ignores me completely when he visits, & I try to pretend he doesn't exist. We had 1 argument over the phone in April; my grandma kicked me & I called the police on her. They warned her not to touch me, that if they heard from me again she'd be arrested. Elder Services came the next day & basically said they "understood" why she kicked me (?!) & proceeded to treat me like a 5 year old who doesn't understand her precarious legal position.

My uncle has taken my dad's position (described in my OP). Whatever he tells her, she does. There's no communication between him & my dad, although it's not for lack of trying on my dad's part.

My dad cancelled his wedding because of all that's happening with us, & with what his fiancee's going through with her aging father as well.

I found a foster for my cat, & she's taking wonderful care of my baby. I miss her so damn much.

My mom & I have, surprisingly enough, gotten closer. It turns out that a lot of the things my grandma has done to me was also done to her over 30 years ago. The only thing new, she said, is the physicality (her being very physically aggressive).

I gave my landlord notice of my impending move that's coming up in 1 1/2 weeks after I called the police on her. I have nowhere to go--still--after several months of searching. Elder Services told me they didn't see "proof" of my progress in the moving--I laughed...bitterly...at that. My bedroom was empty but for the pieces I was selling, my suitcases packed with my clothes, & the absolute necessities (my bed, alarm clock, computer, & printer). Everything else has been put into storage. Suffice it to say that I've received no help from them since my grandma told her lies.

I phoned my grandma's doctor to beg her for the last time to get her tested... I eavesdropped on a phone call she made & she mentioned her doctor wanted her brain tested but she's refused--as she's done all other times.

At this point, I'm pretty positive that I'll be going to a shelter on June 1st if I don't find somewhere to live before then. I've exhausted everything else I can think of for help, & I don't earn the minimum the transitional housing places require to rent an apartment from them. Family & friends can't take me in, subsidized housing lists are closed, etc. I'm advertising on Craigslist for a room but I've just gotten perverts replying to that. So...a shelter is pretty much the only option I'm looking at right now.

My grandma keeps pitching little fits & demanding to know where I'll be going, & she gets even angrier when I tell her it's no longer any of her business. I don't give a d@mn anymore. My father has been sworn to secrecy, & so has everyone else. When I move, the new address will be given to my parents & siblings, & a couple close friends of mine. That's it. My father knows that the woman society calls my grandma is no longer a real grandma to me. I've washed my hands of her. After I get out, she'll no longer exist to me.

In the meantime, I'm still on a couple medications for depression & for anxiety. I hope the anxiety medication will help me stop picking at the skin around my nails, as well as the skin on the sides & soles of my feet & around some of my toenails. (I'll spare you the pictures.)

I've been in therapy for a few years & it's been a complete lifesaver during all this. I honestly don't think I'd be here if it weren't for my weekly therapy sessions.

Thanks so much for all your comments. If you have any other suggestions or ideas on what else I can do to find myself a place, please do so.

Thanks again.
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Screaming - I think you mentioned a fairly abrupt or acute onset to the truly horrible psychotic-level behavior - there is a chance that something medical is causing it, possibly as simple as a UTI or other infection. Getting diagnosis and treatment for an uncooperative person may be no picnic, but hopefully the social agencies can get a home health nurse in there to try to do a little exam, collect some labs, etc. You are also probably right on target that Dad does not want to face reality here, and because of the distance, he can get away with that. Possibly, some cell phone videos or audio at least of the verbal abuse or psychotic material could help you with the eventual guardianship that may need to be done.
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Dear Screaming,

You are obviously intelligent. You write well and are grammatically correct. I don't know what kind of job pays $30/week but I could make more than that being a prostitute and I'm 44 years old and no great shakes. You deserve to make more and I have no doubt that you are capable of doing well at whatever you do.

Your grandmother's a loon and I'm glad you're getting out, glad that you are doing what you have to do to get your life back and not letting a cat stand in your way. When you get settled you can get her back or start over and adopt a darling little kitten to celebrate your new independence.

I think your dad just doesn't want to be involved. It sounds like his head is stuck in the sand and his advice to be patient is both anemic and impotent. That is obviously not the approach that is most effective with his mother. I wonder if he has been cowed by her his entire life.

You're doing the right thing. I don't care what the circumstances are, no one should live in fear and you are very brave for making the necessary arrangements to get yourself out of that toxic and dangerous environment. The day you leave close the door and don't ever look back. I think it'll be the best thing that's ever happened to you.

And there are tons of jobs in healthcare without having to be a nurse or a Dr. You could be a Patient Care Technician at a local hospital, kind of like a nursing assistant and you will make more than $30/week! Choose a hospital then go to their website. Look for jobs available most likely on a drop-down menu and you can scroll through the jobs available at that hospital. The job will be listed plus the educational level required among other basic information.

You're making good, healthy, and sane decisions. You can't go wrong!
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You need to get out ASAP. With or without your cat. With or without a new job. Obviously the ideal is to get a job and find someplace you can have the cat, and I hope that happens, but the first priority is to leave and to take care of yourself. I say this for your sake. You deserve a chance at a decent life and decent future. But I also say it for your grandmother. She needs more help than you can provide her. She may well have dementia, but whatever she has is beyond your skills to deal with. If you leave something else will have to be done for her, and we can all hope it will give her more peace.

I hope the state agency will be able to help you very soon. Please keep in touch here. We all will want to know how this unfolds for you.
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Vstefans: Thanks. I'm not going to involve myself any longer with what's going on with my grandma. Since my uncle's finally sucking up to her (which he's never done until now) he can deal with it. I did, for a while, think about getting some cameras installed around the apartment, but the issue is that everything is white, & there's nothing to hide them behind. In any case, I'm done.

Eyerishlass: Thanks for your comment. Right now I'm so burned out that the thought of caring for someone else is beyond me. I've had offers to do this, but I've turned every single one of them down. I need to focus on getting to a normal head space since I've been living in fear of her since November. Most of my responses are exaggerated (jumping/flinching at loud noises or when she comes into my room, shaking so badly afterward that it triggers my tendonitis, extensive/excessive crying jags, etc.), which is why I need some time.

Jeannegibbs: I posted an update a couple posts above your own. Thank you.
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Hi Screaming,
Oh, your father knows what his mother was doing to you! Those words he said was to only pacify you. He knows that his mom is not going to become “pals” with you. Remember, your mom went thru it, too. I hope he keeps your promise of keeping your wherabouts a secret.

Your situation is dangerous. If you have read enough on this site, you will find that the elderlies have a legal right to abuse us. Why? Because they’re not all there in their head. Whereas we are sane and “should know better.” I’ve read of one poster who had so many bruises from her mother, documented at the hospital – and still nothing is done. But if you even defended yourself physically from their assault, they can press charges against you for elder abuse. Please be very careful between now and when you leave.

I was thinking the same line as Eyerishlass. Since there’s a lot of medical places there, just apply at the bottom and work your way up. Learn everything – even those that have nothing to do with your job description. Give it a try. Do baby steps. And it doesn't have to be caregiving. You can try data entry - just type data from paper to the computer, etc....My niece took nursing class and is now working at an optical store (as an aide/assistant). My baby sister took nursing and is also an assistant for an eye surgeon. My niece was under govt subsidies and food stamp at the time she was taking nursing classes at the local community college.

Like Jeannegibbs, can you update us once in a while? Otherwise, I will think you moved to the shelter and keep wondering what happened to you.
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Screaming, your situation is just too tragic for words. Your grandma is proof that abuse doesn't just happen to the elderly. I'm so sad for you. I hope things get better for you soon. You sound like a survivor. There is help out there and I hope you've found it by now. I wish you the best and would be interested to know how you're doing. Your experiences in overcoming your abuse may help the next person in a similar situation and I have no doubt there are many people in your shoes as sad as that is to say. Keep the faith. You're in my thoughts.
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Bookluvr: Oh, believe me, I'm being extra careful. 95% of my time is spent either in my room or out of the apartment. The rest is either in the bathroom doing bathroom-y things & the kitchen. I watch TV when she's either napping or sleeping. However, it doesn't stop her from coming into my room & starting things. So far it's been relatively quiet for about a month, but then again, this is what happens after I end up calling the police.

Thanks to you & Eyerishlass for the job suggestion. I'll check into it.

AlwaysMyDuty: I'm feeling your thoughts here. I really needed them. Thanks.

I'll keep all of you posted...hopefully not from a shelter. We'll see.
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Screaming, I pray for blessings for you in your new life, whatever it may be, and I hope you will soon be able to change your screen name!! I was apparently composing my post right when you were letting us know your plan A changed to getting out ASAP which makes plenty of sense under the circumstances!
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I've had to deal with a lot of what you have (abusive mother). I also have a no-good brother that keeps mooching off Mom. He assaulted me on April 10, 2013. I filed a Temporary Restraining Order and he was removed from the house. Then to get back at me, he called Adult Protective Services twice to report emotional and financial abuse. Tomorrow, we go to Court (though I have a lawyer). I'm really anxious and upset. But he will never be allowed to see our Mom unless there is a third-party present and a few other things. Otherwise, my attorney said we go to trial, and he will be ordered to pay me back the $15K I racked up at the ER when he pushed me. I just can't stand the stress. But he isn't interested in Mom's well being, he's interested in her $$ (which I have the POA on).
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I have a couple of questions screaming...how long have you lived with your grandma? What are the circumstances that brought you to live in her home, and how many hours a week do you work? Lastly, when is the last time you lived one your own? I'm just curious. I not trying to be unsupportive or unsympathetic. I'm trying to understand why there seems to be a lot of excuses for why you are still there in her home. Have you ever lived on your own...I.e. had your own apartment or home? Also, I'm sorry...maybe it's because I'm 5' 10", and a solid 170 pounds..but, I just can't see a little old lady physically intimidating me unless she had a loaded gun to my back. How hard can this woman "hit"? Just get your stuff together, and move out already. No more excuses. Go, move on with your own life, and forget the nagging, bitching, Grandma that doesn't want you in her house in the first place. It will all work out,and everything wil be ok. We all have to do it sooner or later. Don't be scared...it'll be ok...really. Good luck.
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Sounds like you maybe got into this situation when bad financial times hit you. But it also sounds like you are not the right person for this job. Your Grandma is not your responsibility if she has living children. You might want to resolve the issues in your life and move on. You do not deserve the abuse. Grandma probably feels she doesn 't need you there and resents your being there. Talk to social services. One of the first things you need is an income. Go wherever you find a job. Enjoy your life. Bring Grandma flowers and candy and a bright happy smiling face. What could be better than that?
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i am sorry but all i hear are excuses why you cant get out of there. You are stuck living with her and she knows it. that is why she is so abusive. First of all you need to get a nannycam . or small camera that can record. put it in a place she will not see and you have proof of what shes doing to you. you may not be allowed to talk to her doctors and they can not tell you about her care but.. You can write a letter to her doctor stating that you are her care giver and these are the things that are going on. any good doctor will read that and act upon it. i had to do that with my mil. she will always tell her doc shes fine she sleeps good. NOT. As for the fights as soon as she starts dial 911 and dont let her know. let her rant and rave and avuse you so they can hear what she is doing . when they get there open the door and show them where she hit you and they will have a recording of what she did. then tell the police she needs to be baker acted. they will take her to the hospital mental ward for anywhere from 24 to whenever the doc feels she is well enough to get out. and she will be given meds and evaluated at that time and given a social worker. There are plenty of ways to protect yourself from her. when you go to bed. put a chair under the door handle and she can not get in. when she starts yelling tell her grandma i love you very much but i can not and will not talk to you when you are like this. then go to your room and put the chair under the door handle . STOP being afraid of her. You have every right to feel safe. As for work honey you need to get a new job. even in the hosptials there are things there that do not require any kind of degree. janitorial, cafeteria, go to the hr offices there and they will help you find something. Good luck and stop being afraid take actions. Hope things get better. and remember take care of YOU. because if there is no you then there is no one to take care of anyone.
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Calicaregiver: Let me get this straight: Because YOU can't fathom being scared means *I* shouldn't be scared? I'm sorry, but you don't live my life; you're not in my position, & I don't have to explain anything to you that you haven't already read here. If you had looked on the 2nd page of the comments section here, you would've seen that I posted an update. Go read that & then get back to me.

To the other 2 who posted under Cali: If I could magically "stop" being afraid, don't you think I would've done so? It's laughably easier to say that than it is to be done.

As for me, I'm backing away right now.
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When mom had dementia the violent stage, she had such hatred in her face. It was no longer mom's face but an evil stranger who Wanted to Hurt us. I learned the hard way to learn to Read her and therefore protect myself. Mom one time grabbed me in my front chest, squeezed as hard as she could and Twisted her hand. While I was hurting, I looked into her eyes. She was looking straight at me with such anger, hatred and she Enjoyed Hurting me. I knew she wanted to hear me cry out in pain. I refused. I struggled quietly to get away from her while she kept looking at me watching me. My abused childhood helped me to have a very strong tolerance for pain. I've learned while young not to cry out in pain. Pain excites mom to hurt us more. After that incident, I never allowed her to get close to me to hurt me. I would walk into the room, and automatically scan for mom. I never positioned myself where she can corner me. I always had a way out if I had to flee. I have always been scared of my parents. Even with father now bedridden, he claims he can kill me. And I believe him. As an abused person, one automatically scans how a person can hurt you. I know for a fact that he can use the metal triangle trapeze to slam my head. He has told me that he can kick me in my throat as I lean over to pull down his pants for pamper changing. He may be bedridden but I'm still scared of him.

Unlike you I have chosen to stay to caregive him. All these years, as he verbally and physically abused me, I told my siblings that when mom dies, I'm leaving. It's their turn to caregive father. But I chose to stay due to extenuating cirmcumstances. When he gets angry, I get sooooo scared of him. It's like you said Screaming, the fear never goes away if you have experienced violence day after day after day.

FYI, I started at the bottom at my work. I was office worker (answering phones.) And then I learned to balance my checkbook. And from there, I started doing the office's books. And then Iearned to make flight reservations. People in our field can't believe that I do the books and make reservations. All I'm saying is that I dragged my feet for every new thing I learned at work. But, I learned and learned. I hope you find a job.
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SCREAMING...if that's what you do, idk. You're defensiveness speaks for itself. You're a grown a&! woman, and you are not responsible for anyone but, yourself. You said yourself that your grandma does nothing but put you down, and reject you. Continuing in that environment is a choice. Nobody asked you to explain anything to me. But, I have to agree with other posters. I hear nothing but excuses, and I will respectfully add excessive complaining, and a little self pity. Don't hate on me because I have an opinion that you may not want to hear about. You came to this forum, and put your situation out there. Good luck, and by all means don't feel that you need to "get back to me" regarding this.
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Calicaregiver, I just reported your comment. Toodles!
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Hidden video cameras are great for capturing "the truth" of the way old people can be and act.
Old people "act out" all the time by getting DHS involved and claiming abuse. They are wanting control or revenge usually.
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Debby1: I've learned this the hard way. I'm down to 6 days here, so I'm not going to waste my time hiding cameras in the hope of capturing some of what my grandma does to me. She's my dad's & uncle's problem now.
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