I take care of my 78 year old grandmother. I'm here after researching the reverse of elder abuse (patients who abuse caregivers). I'm desperate for help. Everyone I've spoken to about my grandma's behavior believes she has dementia. However, she refuses to be tested & blames all the ensuing fights--recently become physical--on me. Nothing is her fault. If I confront her about an aggressive behavior she does--& believe me, she gets very physically threatening--she denies it & says I did it to her.
She is very manipulative & controlling, albeit in a very passive-aggressive way. Before this "switch" in personalities, which started 2 months ago, she would say "Ah-men! (amen)" or "I'm all upset!" when we need to discuss something. Whenever she said this, she'd walk away, sulk, & not eat a meal because her "stomach's all upset." She's never taken responsibility for her actions & instead has always blamed it on others.
She's told me that I'm fat (which I am), that I have "turkey legs" & she has "chicken thighs", not to "eat all those cookies!" when I only take two, & told my father to sit next to her in a restaurant booth because "there's no room" where I was sitting. (I was taking off my winter coat at the time, & there was more than enough room for him.)
She refuses to listen to me because I do not have the requisite equipment (read: I'm not a male, & I'm not my father), so any time I need to discuss something with her, it becomes a fight which ends in me telling her to "Call Dad."
She's begun to "forbid" me from calling my father, & has tried to prevent me from doing so during a particularly bad fight in the last few days. She's become obsessed with the amount of money I have & the amount of toilet paper I use, & tries to regulate how much I use. She's become paranoid that I'm snooping (have never done so), & tells all her friends that I'm "abusing" her (never done that either). She tells them how unhappy she is that I'm here & how she can't wait for me to move out. She tells them that I "start all the fights" we have (untrue--she is very physically aggressive with me: she storms into the room I'm occupying, begins to herd me into a corner & tries to prevent me from escaping that corner) & that she's "scared of" me. (This I don't know why, because I've never retaliated, although I have threatened to call the police if she ever strikes me again. She laughed like it was the best joke she'd heard in years.)
My situation has been reported to Elder Affairs in my state by 3 different people, & it has been classified as a high risk/high priority case. I am worried because my grandma is sweetness & light in public/around others, but when it's just us two, she's Mr. Hyde.
It's to the point where I've lived under near constant "high alert" mode for 2 months. I am on a sleep aid because I cannot sleep for fear that she's going to start a fight while I'm sleeping, & I'm constantly worrying when the next outburst from her will be, & if that one will be when she decides it's okay to hit me hard enough to give me a black eye or bloody nose. (If she does hit me, I'll be calling 911.) I am on anti-anxiety medication because I've begun to startle & physically shake when she so much as moves from one room to another. Because of our fights, my hand/wrist/arm tendonitis flares up so badly that it takes me a week to get to a point bearing a small semblance of normal. This is because my arms & hands shake so badly & so hard--a physical reaction to the elevated level of fear that I experience during them. I have to watch my back while she's in "crazy" mode because she charges my back when I turn it to her.
My family knows & understands that, because of the excessive reaction I have to my grandma, I now need to take care of myself. My father is under the delusion that our "problems" as he calls them will work themselves out if "we just talk to each other." The problem is my grandma's (new) idea of "talking" is her yelling at me about an issue I didn't know was an issue until she started yelling about it. His role has been to listen to my venting & nod in sympathy & says, "Give me more time & patience" when I beg him to "do something now."
I have no support.
Thanks for listening.
My father is the same as your grandma. Since I'm female, I know nothing. I should keep my mouth shut on things that I know nothing about (which to him means Everything that is against his point-of-view...which happens to be most of everything.)
Your uncle and father just burned their bridges. Now they have to handle their mother's care between them. You take care. I hope all goes well with you on your new journey.
Anyway, I too wish you all the best as you care for your parents.
When I was at my wits end with my son, that's what the police told me to do..Keep Calling them when needed !
I've been here for 5 days now & can't believe how...light...I feel after these years of hell. I'm no longer scared to death. I don't startle, jump, tremble &/or cry at the slightest noise anymore. I've been able to go wherever I want without any fear whatsoever, & that includes making something in the kitchen. (I've already made 2 batches of cookies & a loaf of banana nut bread. More cooking/baking is in my immediate future.) I've been outside & done yardwork for the first time in years & thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it (well, except for the bees, lol).
Even better: I've stopped all the medications I was taking for my depression, anxiety, & insomnia. I can't remember the last time I was so completely relaxed.
My cat is still with her foster, & will be until I get my own place, or unless the relative decides to let my cat move in with me. Whichever comes first. I miss her to death, but I'm so unbelievably happy that she's safe & sound, & that the foster is taking fantastic care of her & spoils her to death (even more than I do!).
The only things left is to find a better job in my new area, health insurance, & work through the residual anger I have toward the grandma & uncle, as well as my dad. If I can do all this--& now that I'm out of there & my depression, anxiety, & insomnia have completely lifted, I KNOW I can--I'll be absolutely golden.
Thank you guys so, so very much for all your support in my darkest hours. Thanks for listening to me when no one else would.
Hugs to all of you, & I wish you all the very best luck.
(No longer) Screaming
I'm happy you got out and saved yourself. This disease is the worst. I pray she gets help soon. In the meantime, enjoy your freedom and be safe. Take care of you. God Bless.
Sfcerwhit: Call the police on her the very next time she assaults you. Keep doing so. If there's one thing I've learned from my ordeal, it's that protecting yourself is more important than caring from (relative/person here). The fact that they're mentally not there anymore isn't an excuse for them to "do whatever they want" to you. You don't have to take ANYTHING they dish out.
Cat & Madeaa: If you read 2 posts or so above yours, you'll see that I posted an update. In sum, I've already left. :)
Msdaizy: I googled Lewy Body Dementia, & all the signs/symptoms that indicate the disease, my grandma doesn't have. She doesn't shake/tremor/etc. I am absolutely positive that she's got some sort of dementia, or even Alzheimer's, although she still refuses to be tested. In any case, what happens to her now is none of my concern. I've washed my hands of her & most of my father's side of the family (with the exception of my dad, even though he's currently skating on thin ice) due to what they've done.
I hope all of you keep yourselves safe...unlike me.
I began to notice my mother's decline and suspected Dementia about 6 month's before she was hospitalized for an acute UTI and TIA. Thank God for that because they diagnosed her with Dementia. I had given up my life on the coast gave up everything to move in with her, prior to her hospitalization because I suspected something was wrong on each visit home. I lived several states away.
Her Dr gave her the "memory" test that she passed (8 out of 10) for month's earlier. If it were not for the hospital stay and the Neurologist I don't know what state of mind I'd be in.
She got on Aricept and it's helped.
I scream every day and it's only going to get worse. Is there anyway she can get to a hospital. It took 3 hours of phone calls from my mother's doctor and a call from family members to get my brother to get my mother to the hospital because she wouldn't go but she finally did. They released her too soon, her behavior got worse and her Dr prescribed a sedative, a cousin came into town to visit and we told her we were going on a drive and drove her to a different hospital. She was kind of out of it but it got her admitted and the Drs at this hospital were excellent.
But like I said I scream every day because I know one day the behavior she exhibited from the acute UTI will be an every day thing due to the Dementia and she has narcissistic personality so every day is like walking on eggshells. I've been yelled at screamed at lied on many of the things that you are going through. She has good days and bad days. But you never know what you are going to get. On top of it all I never had a good relationship with my mother and grew up in a dysfunctional home. And now I'm 48 and living with her after living on my own independently for 30 years.
SCREAMING WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
PS I have no support either (my brother) but he is just now getting out of the denial stage and admitted he'd noticed a decline in her memory about 3 years ago but attributed it to old age. He lives in the same city as my mother.
Now that's he is coming around, albeit slowly, he does all the driving for her. I can because we will definitely end up in a car accident if I drive her anywhere she will criticize me and my nerves just can't take it.
Her sister and her niece still think I am exaggerating and that she'll "snap out of it".
I'm screaming right now.
New2Dementia: My god, I completely feel for you. I'm so sorry. The only thing I can say to you is to dump the whole mess in your brother's & her sister's hands & leave. I worked myself to the bone over my grandma, only I didn't realize the extent to which I did until after I'd left. I know it's hard, & the decision is ultimately left up to you. As for me, I'm worth more than being on the receiving end of curses & aggression & assault & living in constant fear everyday. Sending you gigantic hugs.
As for me, I'm still looking for a job--full-time this time. (I'm tired of playing the part-time game.) My work transfer has taken much longer than I thought--3 weeks & counting, & right now I'm pissed off at the way they're mishandling my transfer. The way it looks now, I won't be getting back to work until after the 4th, which means 1 1/2 months of an enforced vacation for me, with NO pay. Consider also that I have no savings to speak of... *insert a LOT of curses here*