The other day my mother (advanced PD) who is taking care of me financially so that I can take care of her always wants to buy me "everything" except the home agency care that I want. The other day she told me that she's tired of seeing me in sweats and sweatshirts and she wants to buy me outfits. (I always tell her to save her $$$ for home care). The other day I took it a step futher and told her why buy me clothes since they'll sit in the closet since I don't go anywhere. But mom informed me that I am in a rut and need new clothes so that I can go out with her and her friends to lunch more. Gee, and I thought what might get me out of my rut was seeing my boyfriend who I left 800 miles behind and see from rarely to very seldom might get me out of my rut but mom let me know that I just need to spend MORE time with her and to throw her friends in the mix. Who know? Don't know whether to laugh or cry!
A friend with a view.
To let mother insist on spending her money "on you" in ways you do not want it spent and refuse to spend it on ways that would help you take care of her is very hard to understand. "Mother, if I am going to stay here and be your primary caregiver, we need to figure out how that job can be made easier for me, so I don't burn out. I hope you'll be around for many years, so let's set this up to be workable for the long haul. One thing I need to do is visit my boyfrend more often and for longer periods. So we need to make arrangements for respite care."
I think you need to see the picture more clearly. Instead of letting your mother "take care of you financially," see your mother as employing you to take care of her. The pay is room and board and whatever else she gives you. You are not her little girl living on an allowance. You are an adult making a huge sacrifice on her behalf. You need to have control in how you live your personal life. If you don't want to dress up and go out with her friends, you are certainly not obligated to!
I don't know how old your mother is, or where she is in the progression of her disease. If she is 98 and/or in the final stage of PD and eligible for Hospice, then not rocking the boat, laughing it off, and sticking it out may make more sense. But if you are looking ahead to 3 or 5 or 10 more years of caring for Mom, sounds to me like some changes are needed.
I think that it is time to renegotiate your "contract" with her. You will supervise her care and remain hundreds of miles from your homebase to do it, and she will support you financially and also pay for some homecare help, to be determined by you. It is her money, but you really have the upper hand here, if you'd just gently but firmly use it. You can always leave. Then what? To keep you from leaving she needs to be willing to provide what you need. And it is not fancy clothes! It doesn't sound like your mother has dementia (at least yet) and you should be able to have rational discussions with her. It is not about who is "right" about what is good for you. It is about the conditions you set in order to be willing to provide the service she wants and needs. Of course you are making this sacrifice out of love, too, but that doesn't mean you have to be a loving doormat.
Good luck!
"boyfriend" is a person thats just passing thru, like when we were in Highschool.