Follow
Share

My 95 year old dad died of alzheimers 9 months ago. My mother who is 96 and at the time of his death was strong and healthy except for being legally blind. I thought after my dad passed away we would travel and get out of the house and be able to enjoy life again. She went into a major depression and it was obvious after 64 years of marriage, she was lost without her husband. She was hospitalized in November with an ulcerated esophogus. She was so weak they suggested putting her in a rest home. I told them that was not an option and had an ambulance bring her home. She is back to being a strong and healthy woman. She is back to eating and walking around with her walker. However, now she moans all the time. The only time she doesn't moan is when someone is talking to her. She used to listen to music or books on tape and her moaning would be quieter, but now she moans all the time and especially at night...all night! I have been sleeping with her since my dad died because she doesn't like to be alone. I miss sleeping upstairs with my husband and I miss sleeping! I tried the baby monitor but it keeps everyone awake instead of just me. I am tired, but I want to do what is best for my mom. I love taking care of her and feel this is exactly what I need to be doing right now in my life. I am a 51 year old mother of 5 with 3 children still at home. Any advice would be welcomed!

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

31 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
This has been most helpful.
I am 1 of 3 children who love our 85yr old Mom dearly.
I am the oldest & have beeen building a new house for 10 mos. to retire early, downsize & to take my mom in. She recently had a scare and I rushed from VA to Fla to help. She currently lives alone after our dad passed 4 years ago tomorrow😞
My sister is near by and checks on her everyday before work & after- plus do activities together on weekends-- we have cameras set up in her home and she has to text ( group feed) each day when she rises and goes to bed at the very least- I am the care giving type and text her all through out day too! We also have an app that tells us when she leaves home and arrives-
Anyway, This scare was pretty serious. She felt sick and didn’t show up for a “ fun date”. That person went to check on her and she hadn’t been eating- forgot to eat and drink for several days while the younger daughter was away (5 days)(unbeknownst to me ) so , I left Immediately to fla- turned out to be a serious UTI - a culture showed a strain that was all antibiotic resistant except one as well.
So she is getting better by very slow- this was close call- A CT(only because we didn’t know what the tummy pain was at first) showed many other organ enlargements-
So, now she is moaning all the time and it’s very loud-
Not at night ( as I was in the next room and moved into her bed because it was so disturbing I thought it would be better comfort if I was closer-so glad I did- from the above mention—
Thanks for all the wonderful advice- I’m sure she misses dad, is lonely for same age company and feels that being alone is just too much- she was an extremely busy/ out going lady- and while dad was alive- & sickly she took care of him- after he passed her care of another was promptly removed -
We moved her out of the family home to a MUCH smaller place and it has no office/ craft room and that is her passion- we have her going to classes- the place she didn’t show up too!!
So this recent moan is probably all of the above mentioned-

She is probably I n some slight physical pain- ( even though she claims she isn’t)
Has some fear of the unknown future- missing dad-
For sure inner pain-
loss of hope-
Some stressor recent move and now again from an area she spent 39 years & of what might be wrong with her tummy-
Any of her recent expierence could also be so shocking all of the sudden as those experiences /loss of her 55 yr marriage with her first and only love of her life-( and dad was even more outgoing then she is)
Also, loss of love/ companionship is huge-
I’m going to be taking her in to our new place and a new state for us all - start fresh in a new place with family- me , my husband and my moms brother- who lost his spouse 2 months after she did) there I hope she finds comfort in a group of ages who are very fond of her-
Thank you all- especially shining eyes!
(1)
Report
Oh but I'm really glad for this thread and to know this isn't a personal singular quirk of hers. That its not unusual ..if annoy as h*ll
(0)
Report
My mom whose 96 moans..and moans frequently . There are days the only time she doesn't is when she's asleep. At times it does drive me right up a wall. She denies it and i'm pretty sure its not from pain . She doesn't even know she's doing it. I think some of it is the Self-Comforting.(like her yep yeps ..which i started addressing by saying ..no-no . So she was aware of it and now she just tells me to shut up and we both laugh). She does get depressed frequently ( although for her age she's very healthy and on less drugs them any of us in the family ) . At night at times she asks to let her die . Which i just say "no way to" to. Ive thought about anti-depressants but honestly her low bp sometimes and cardiac issues worry me about the effects of them. When things are bad and she's not sleeping at night i put her tv on or the house fan on so i don't hear every little moan and make myself too crazy . She has an alarm button that goes off on the receiver in my room. I personally don't like lavender ..but i think ill try it with her.
(0)
Report
Your brilliant, god bless you
(0)
Report
I just want to let you know yiur brilliant. GOD BLESS YOU
(0)
Report
My client is 97 and recently started to moan when he was uncomfortable like holding on peeing and having a full bladder. I get him up and to the bathroom and afterwards he doesnt moan.
(0)
Report
My mom has recently moved back in with my husband and I as she is now 85. My mom used to live with us 21 years ago when she was 64. I can remember she did some moaning at night time then and now it is more so. Her mind is wondering. I sometimes think the moaning is a way of inner soothing. Kind of the way we hum to a child as we rock them. I do agree that she loves to have her back rubbed and I did just recently buy her a new lavender scented lotion that she really enjoys having rubbed on her. My heart goes out to those who are trying to give back to their loved ones what they devoted to us. The circle of life...
(0)
Report
Several of my friends who i have team with on a case experience the same things u are talking about when it’s your luv one it hits close to your heart, u have to take a step back and regroup if u don’t u are of no good to the one u are caring for, i to experience this with my grandmother my mom a retired RN, my aunt retired Rn, 2 of 11 children who cared for their mother and dad in home, my grandmother did the same thing making noises as long as we knew she was in no pain, not hungry, not sick etc: the noises we learn to tune out, remember if u are sensitive to the point u jump with every little thing u will tear yourself down and age a lot faster cause mommy and daddy will be peacefully content with no worries cause of their frame of mind, care givers biggest problem is family members the patient u know what 2 expect from them, the families have ran care givers off, it’s easy 2 dictate when u are not the one playing in the game .
(0)
Report
I care for patients in their homes as a live in , for many years i have done so, upon reading the comments they are good, the patient i’m Caring for now makes noises very loud and rocks back and forth, i feel that with memory issues is their was of expressing what they think, when i ask her are u ok ?, are u hurting she will say no i just like making sounds i have been with her over 4 yrs as a live in i work from Monday 7pm until Friday 7pm, the weekend lady experience the same things with her, moaning doesn’t mean anything bad, painful etc: u have to remember that their bodies and minds are not of the same rhyme anymore, sadly some of us who knows, experience, understand this more now will forget this if we live to be their age hopefully if so we still have all our mental factors, remember as i was told by a patient who i cared for until 104 years old it’s hell getting old and if u can not hang with the big dogs get off the front porch...!!!! :)
(1)
Report
My dad is 95 and had heart failure 2015 and has been on hospice ever since. My step mom is 91 and she had a stroke in 2014. I went down to live with them to take care of them. Praying, Lord how do I tell my dad, y'all are coming to live with me and Bill. After eleven and half months my dad came to me and said we needed to get rid of this house. Prayers answered. They been living with me and my husband since Jan.2016 and now my mom has turned to where she is mean and tried to hit me and the girl I hired to give her a bath etc.. but that comes and goes, but she is not on Hospice. They both are doing ok. But I also had the question why does my dad moan all night. He says he is not in any pain. I will say he is not eating, when he sits down to eat, he makes these noises that sounds like he is in pain, but he says he don't hurt, it feels like he's full up to his neck. He looks at the food says it looks so good, but I just cant eat, I'm so full. But he moans the whole time were eating. I'm with the first person who said putting mom in a home is not a option, I agree, I will not put my dad in a place like that, they almost killed my step mom while she was there after her stroke. She was there for rehab. Thank for everybodys input on this. This makes me feel some better, as long as dad is not in pain, which he says he's not, then we will just keep trucking along until the good lord needs him.
(0)
Report
My nan keeps on moaning at me and she will not stop what shall I do
(0)
Report
My grandma moans and groans a lot. I think some of it is discomfort and pain but sometimes I think she just gets into moaning and forgets she's even doing it. I used to try to tell her she was moaning and she always got defensive stating she didn't. She has constant neck pain after breaking her neck two years ago and has arthritis pretty bad so I think that is all related to her moaning. I have also found she moans at night and during the day while awake and asleep when she has to go to the bathroom and has just forgotten to tell me that is the case. As soon as she goes to the bathroom, her head hurts but then within a few minutes the moaning is gone! Only for a short period of time since within an hour and half or two hours she will need to go again. I have trouble with sounds like that. It grates on me. I wish you luck.
(2)
Report
We placed my Mom in a memory care facility last week, and her moaning has stopped. Her combativeness has declined as well and only happens now during toileting. They had her on Haldol for the first night and day. Now she is on medical marijuana only (chewables, approximately 10:1 ratio cbd/thc during day, 4:1 ratio at night). She has been making friends, and there is one man there who reminds her of my dad, and she reminds him of his wife. They were seen walking hand in hand and giggling. It is an old facility but with mostly wonderful caregivers. It is not the environment that I would ever have expected to see my mom in, but maybe that's the case for anyone who has had to place his or her parent in a facility. So the moaning may have been in response to too much simulation at home, where she was confronted daily with a world that she wanted to recognize but couldn't.
(0)
Report
I'm a professional guardian, and have had clients with dementia who have bad pain. It's really a mess-and I feel for you. Sometimes treating the dementia with a drug like respiradon, an antipsychotic, can help a lot.

My dad, 81 and w/o dementia, now lives with me. He groans a lot, particularly as he's going to sleep or in sleep. The issue for him is that his moaning and groaning evidently prevent him from going into a deeper REM sleep. It's a huge problem for me, as I can't sleep while he's moaning. We have no good solution. I turn on a fan; I can sleep, but I cannot hear him easily. Best of luck to you.
(0)
Report
ToryMcDonald, I would have her evaluated medically, immediately. Sometimes the moaning is a sign of delirium. Delirium is different from dementia, though one may have both.

The cause can be a number of things, like a miss fire in the brain, medication toxicity, illness, sleep deprivation. or some other medical problem. I wouldn't just assume that it's a stress reliever or nothing serious.

I would be concerned that regardless of the cause, it is mentally disturbing to her and is causing her psychological pain that she is not able to convey to you. I would try to find the cause and address it. Perhaps medication or some treatment could bring her relief.

I also read that lack of sleep can cause one to moan that way. I would immediately treat her sleep disturbance. It's common in dementia, if that is what she has.

Also, going without sleep, as you are doing is a perfect way to ruin your health. It's a huge mistake to believe that you can get away with no sleep for long periods of time. It will come back on your health. I know that first hand. I'd find a way to address that, even if you have to find a person to watch her at night.

Perhaps, if her sleep disorder can be treated, you can get some sleep too. I wish you all the best.

Here's a link about it;
mayoclinic/diseases-conditions/delirium/basics/symptoms/con-20033982
(0)
Report
I have been caring for my mom 24/7 since August 2015. She has had increasing signs of dementia for 9 years. In 2006, we were at a lecture, and she sat next to me and was making this humming sound. Everyone started looking at us very annoyed. That was the beginning of her battle with dementia/Alzheimer's. We have not been able to determine what the humming means. It could be misfiring neurons caused by brain deterioration, and the misfiring inadvertently causes the vocal chords to contract. Sometimes, now, 10 years later, her moaning turns into, "Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah." And this often happens in response to a stressor, like someone asking her to sit on the toilet but she thinks that she already was on the toilet and doesn't need to go anymore. She has a lot of low back pain, and I wonder if it isn't that she has chronic pain and that that is the main source of the humming. But her doctors don't believe that she's in pain, and they reluctantly have prescribed pain meds. She did better on pain meds, but they cause constipation, and that led us into a whole new, challenging chapter. So we are now trying to use just Tylenol to try to help with pain. She is very combative, and she's going to go into an assisted care facility soon. My poor mom. We've had our differences over the years, but she didn't deserve this.
(0)
Report
My mother who is 80 has always made a typical portuguese sound (I, I)...sounds like she´s saying "I", but after my sister´s premature passing 10 months ago, she has adopted a loud crymoan and stopped with the "I" sound...she always feels free to let out her loud moans near me (it bothers me to death & brings back lots of sad memories), but is able to remain almost silent when other family members are around...I´m not allowed to say anything because she´ll liberate her usual LOUD control screams, so I sually go for a long walk...
(1)
Report
JK, the doctor has put my mom on Remeron (mirtazapine) to help her sleep through the night. The first week she was on it I told everyone it was a miracle drug, not only did she sleep at night but she was more her old self during the day. Unfortunately as her disease progresses she has returned to calling out some nights. I may go to her once or twice, but I have had to harden my heart and stop responding since I am certain she doesn't need anything, indeed, she often isn't aware she is doing it. Believe me I know, it's not easy.
(1)
Report
I'm relieved to read these posts. My dad has recently come to live with me--81, very unhealthy heart. He's been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for the past 4 years--tho I didn't know. Now he moans and cries out--and last night it went on all night. Not only is he keeping me awake, he's keeping himself awake. This then magnifies his feelings of being ill, exhausted, and he feels scared and sorry for himself. I don't know what to do. I can't come downstairs 100x a night to ask him to stop. We're discussing it--he doesn't have dementia. He's promising to "work on it." Somehow it helps me to know it's not just him.
(0)
Report
D, I don't think you need to put up with this. Where is her son in this situation?

You can call or fax her doctor about her mental state and ask him to prescribe something for her depression. The doctor may not be able to talk to you about her condition, but that doesn't mean that you can't share what is going on.

Depression is not something that simply "goes with" old age. It can and should be treated.
(0)
Report
So glad to have the insight. We just recently moved my 95 year old mother-in-law into our home. She is not happy to have to move out of her home of 50 years & put it up for sale. But she needs someone with her 24/7 & requires sitters/caregivers to provide all care for daily living. Her mind is still very sharp but she is wheelchair bound & not able to transfer herself from or to the wheelchair.
She has been a moaner for about the last 8-10 years! It was not so much of an issue when we were only visiting for several hours. Now I hear it 24/7 since it continues even in her sleep & I use a baby monitor to keep an eye on her at night. In addition to the moaning she constantly sits in her chair asking God to have mercy & take her. I know that she is depressed but she refuses to discuss it with the doctor or a priest. She just yells at me that she hurts is 95 years old & has a right to be depressed & want to die.
I try to be patient & not yell back at her. I have had grandparents live with our family as a child & both of my grandmothers died of cancer - one at 63 & one at 89. Neither of them were negative people. My mother is 81 & 6 years ago survived stage 3 lymphoma with chemo & stem cell infusion - again with no negativity. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 8 years ago & live with chronic pain. I try to do so without complaining to those around me. So all of the moaning & negativity is really getting to me & her constant complaining about all the changes in the move when I have tried so hard to keep everything as much the same as it was in her house.
I recently retired so I am home all day & I am primarily responsible for her care from 4-7pm & from 10pm -9am. I am not getting much rest which just makes my pain & fatigue worse. I'm not existing any thanks but I am hoping that she will become more positive. Although I doubt that will happen because for the last 8-10 years when we take her out she tells perfect strangers how old she is & then tells them that she doesn't recommend getting this old & wishes God would take her.
I guess the bottom line is that I have to be the one to change & to accept & love her the way she is.
(0)
Report
My mother is only 76 and she grunts as if she's picking up something heavy, but only she grunts for no reason and its happening more and more often.
(0)
Report
Well, I guess misery does love company because I can definitely relate to the original comment here. My mother has just recently started crying a lot. It is beginning to wear on the whole household. I wish I could figure out if something is lacking in her diet or what I can do to help her. It is very sad to me and unnerving for everyone else.
(1)
Report
My mom (90) moans a great deal as well. I think a lot of the insights mentioned are good ones...I know pain is sometimes the cause for mom, but sometimes she does not even realize that she is doing it.
Johnson and Johnson makes a baby lotion that has lavender in it. The lotion helps relieve stress because the lavender smell helps relax people. When my mom was having her three surgeries in 2013, we found rubbing this on her neck and arms was soothing and helped remove the stress.

Sometimes just a simple touch or smell can be all that is needed to help reach someone. Give it a try. Seniors have such dry skin anyway it can't hurt!
(2)
Report
probably a neurological quirk . im working around a frame carpenter right now who isnt more than 25 yrs old . while hes working sometimes he splutters like a freakin motor boat .
(0)
Report
As I was reading your "moaning" topics, I could not help myself to be just a listener.
First of all, I would like to express my deepest gratitude and thanks for unselfish deeds.
YOU ARE INDEED VERY SPECIAL ANGELS, of whom were sent among us so we can all learn from you how to administer loving practices towards our elderly, helpless loved ones.
You brought tears to my eyes, for more than one reason. BLESS YOU ALL RICHLY, throughout your life, and hopefully that will be many, many more years to come..
GETTING BACK TO THE TOPIC OF MOANING.
I am not that old yet, barely in my seventies, yet I find myself moaning even during the day.
This started after my husband's death; and because of turmoil's, disappointments, total negligence ( even in my own flash and blood) I noticed that my inner pain came to surface by sounds of moaning.. This happens every time I have some stress in my life. The loss of my hope, and too many shocking experiences brought out this Moaning sound from me, I know this with certainty
This can be embarrassing at times, because I caught myself making noises even in department stores.
I am very lonely, yet I try to keep myself busy doing something all day long.
Otherwise I am a very happy go lucky, positive thinker, a person with faith in God.
Yet I still can't get rid of my inner pain!
In my case, the moaning is a sigh of a deep emotional scars bursting open with pain, which is closely connected to lack of experiencing compassion and Love. .
Bless you all who could understand this, and especially every one of you whom are opening your hearts up to share your loving care. You see, your kindness can be an ointment on someone's wounds..It will be noticed up in heaven I am sure of that.

For me, even a kind word in the morning from a by passer can make my day, and I noticed, that my moaning doesn't come to surface at all.
I am so thankful for your compassionate hearts.
(5)
Report
thanks for all the above. I, too, am going through the "moaning" things with my 81 year old mom and didn't understand it. but FEAR makes a lot of sense. She is not in physical pain (that was ruled out), but moans at night. thank you.
(0)
Report
Your welcome, Tory. Anytime. Hang in there. You are not alone and I know how scary it is and it is also lonely. I did not realize she could not see. She must be terrified. I remember my friend told me that when her husband developed the dimentia he could not hear music any more. Her husband was a concert pianist with perfect pitch and music and notes sounded like noise and upset him. My mother used to hallucinate and see terrible things that happened in her past. I| used to keep a little light on at night and try to reassure her she was safe. Good luck. Let me know if it works...and take care.
(0)
Report
THANK YOU CAREGIVERVOICE,
I WILL TRY THAT. I KNOW MY MOM IS SCARED BECAUSE SHE CAN'T SEE AND WITH HER DYMENSIA AND WITH HER MEMORY LOSS. SHE IS ALWAYS CONFUSED ON WHERE SHE IS. SHE SAID THAT SHE IS NOT IN ANY PAIN, BUT HER MOANING SURE SOUNDS LIKE SHE IS! I'M GLAD TO KNOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE. THANK YOU AGAIN
(0)
Report
I just spoke to someone about your mother moaning and she suggested to try rubbing her back and speaking gently to her when she starts to moan, I think the moaning is also fear...ny friend took care of her husband and until he was 94. He had a difficult time because of dementia and she said that this helped calm him down.
(0)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter