She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
I am the youngest of 10, but in a blended family. Four on each side from the first marriages then me and my older sister with them together.
they are hoarders. mainly from my mother‘s side. I believe she could not let go of her own horrible parents dying and absorbed all of their junk.
now they are at the point of not being able to continue to live in their house and it is going up for sale as soon as we clear it out. they will be living with my full sister above me.
the older siblings on my moms side are manipulative and greedy. My father (not their dad) paid for our home and always took care of us, including my moms first kids- to the point he paid for their college. Their own father is a cheap millionaire.
Now that the house is going onto the market the half siblings are chomping at the bit for their cut. Dad is worn down from mom all these years and Doesn’t want to fight any more. Mom thinks her first four and us two are the only ones that matter in their estate. She doesn’t like my dads other four and refuses to acknowledge their fair claim.
moms first four are cheap, too. They have pressed us two about our “angle” with “mom’s estate.” The one our father paid for. He is the loving kind Generous one. At this point I am feeling hatred towards her because she’s always the victim and always wants to be right and seems to care only for herself. She also beat the h*ll out of us as kids. Dad didn’t. I love my dad so much. I Wish mom would go first so dad could be free. and then the older half siblings would be SOL. Lol
also I have been here near them for 10 years. The rest of the family doesn’t even live in the same state. I’ve been to the hospital with them and Spent holidays with them and shared my own kids with them and the rest haven’t been around at all, except the one older than me. Yet my mother says that all her children are seen fairly in her eyes. Just today she reminded me of the prodigal son story which really hurt to hear. I guess I’ve wasted my time caring for a narcissist. But it was because I care so much for my dad I didn’t want to leave him. My mother just plain sucks.
I hear you & you’re not alone. Living with a narcissistic person is crazy making. Then you add Dementia & guilt & your own needs & you have a very bad recipe for being unwell in so many ways. If I hear you right you’re saying that it’s these specific words that are getting to you the most. Again, you’re NOT alone. I know what you’re going through & how it feels to add gramma to the list of ANY event.
First, you can’t please a narcissist, never ever. If that was happening before dementia it sounds like you need to give yourself permission to unplug from the guilt that was either laid on you, or any self-imposed “false” guilt.
Second, the Assisted Living facility sounds like it might finally give you the needed breaks YOU need, (& it’s normal to have needs of your own, in case you forgot that). Let that facility do what they’re paid to do. They’ll tell you if & when It’s time to step in. Why not try establishing firm boundaries with mom like, 1) “I will visit you for 45 minutes on Sundays & Thursdays”, or whatever. And then stick to it like glue. Mom will complain because it’s what narcissists do, & then she has Dementia & it sounds like she may have not had to practice boundaries? And, 2) Why not give your family the gift of a “gramma-free” (& guilt-free) Christmas. Maybe you & family can record a special video message to gramma & you, or another family member, can deliver it to her. Explain kindly & simply that plans have changed this year & that’s what you must do. Period. There’s no reasoning. None of this means you don’t care for or love mom, it means you are putting your needs & those of your family first this year. She will be taken care of.
I wish you luck in implementing your new boundary strategies. And finding some health.
1. My mother never had friends. I grew up with no role model for friendship. No role model for getting to know, trust, and enjoy people and their companionship.
2. Except for when I was a child my mother wasn't one to hug, caress with love or open her arms and pull you in when she could tell you needed it.
3. My Mom was always adverse to my Dad's occasional playful physical advances. This is not something my dad did on a daily basis not was it abusive or threatening but it was the the normal kind of moment that happens between spouses.
4. Whenever we were watching TV and there was a love scene that involve physical contact or sex my mother would get visibly disgusted and change the channel
5. My mother used to hold court with all of us children and talk about my father and his parents and the rest of his family behind his back. She ridiculed his parents his brother his brother's wife etc. And it wasn't just ridicule but she would share how much she hated my father and his family. These same conversations would happen over and over. And we children would learn how to take delight in putting down my father and his family
5. My mother tended to hate women more than men so it was easy to see that she could never have girlfriends.
6. My mother's strong emotions going way back when she was younger or always right under the surface. For example she would be talking to me about my older brother and then some detail about how the in-laws treated her would slip into the conversation and before you knew it she was extremely upset and crying about the vulnerability of my brother as an infant. I wonder if that state of having those emotions almost on the surface all the time is a symptom of a mental illness perhaps like borderline personality disorder.
7. My mother's perception and portrayal of herself as a victim was endless and little vignettes on how so and so or whichever person did her bad were repeated over and over and over.
8. My mother used me by confiding in me about things that my dad did to her that were abusive. She told me when I was 9 or 10 that my dad insisted on having sex with her, that it was his marital right. She parentized me.
9. My friends from high school, what few friends I had and turned out to be false friends used to tell me that they didn't think that my mom liked them. the reason being that when they would call my house to talk to me and my mom answered the phone she was angry and unkind to them.
10. My mother totally missed out on the women's movement in the 70s.
I feel like I need to cut ties completely now. She's a passive/aggressive manipulator & tries to ruin everything that she knows would bring pleasure to another person...doesn't matter what it is. This behavior has a huge effect on me. It's TRAUMATIC ! You too have been traumatized...we all have...& I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
Cut ties with her...if it's at all possible. You & your immediate family deserve better. Life is not supposed to be this way. Guilt destroys so much...we all must let it go. There will be better days ahead. Your mother deserves to feel some of the pain she's dumped on you.
Stay Strong...this too shall end. You have many more wonderful years left to live...free of her!
You did not deserve thjs mistreatment and you did nothing to cause it. Likely, your mother was abused as a child and has passed along that "gift".
Break the cycle. Go to therapy.
Tbw777, I too hope that God will help me, and us all, out of this hell. Then I read Csuszka, whose mother is 100, and I think I can’t put up with 27 more years of this if mine lives to 100! And for all her complaining of excruciating pain and various medical conditions, I can’t believe that she still has the energy to be this mean and demanding. She will outlive all of us, I say!
In the last 2-3 years I cannot stand her anymore.
She repressed me and my sister for decades. She's only cared about how she looks with strangers and repeats over and over again what a moral and a saint she is. And how people love her!
Her mantra is that everyone should be like her: the world would be better.
She has despised my father since she met him at 19. Still married he passed away few years ago. He was completely subdued to her. She still claims violent acts she allegedly received from him; we never saw anything!
She is still bashing him over and over. I am not kidding. She just repeats how bad my dad's family is and when she wants to offend she says I have his last name: I belong to "that race". She is afraid of dying and meet him again.
When kids we begged her to divorce!!!!!
It was a nightmare. She would lock herself in a room for up to a month. I was 8-9 years old. I later found she wrote a flood of insults to me, my dad and my sister. I read them at that age and I remember I could not understand what we did wrong! But I managed to brush it off, a little.
About 20 years ago she kicked my sister (31!) out of the house and refused to see her because she felt betrayed as she was dating a married (later divorced) man (my sister is still with him). My sister was sinner. But most of all she "provided pain to her". She staged a suicide. She stayed undressed in the front yard in a cold night waiting to die: a scene.
She would listen to phone calls, and do every thing she can to dominate us.
She is an hypocrite: she kept us separated from my dad's family (aunt, uncles, cousins) as she considered them a "bad race". After my dad died my cousin (nice person) called me and wanted to meet me as I was in their country.
She started to scream at me while I was on the phone. I was embarrassed as we spent all our lives hiding it from the public (I never had friends over because of this). However if they call her she is all nice, kind and happy. She has a double personality!
MY MOM RAISED HELL when I was on the phone with my cousin. She went to my little daughter, grabbed her by her arm in order to make sure she would get her attention to tell her her dad (me) is a criminal. She actually said "criminal". Luckily my daughter does not speak her language. But the point is that she tried to undermine my relationship as a father (and her son) with my young daughter. This is appalling!
I am having more and more bursting of rage.
Every time I hear her on the phone: she would not listen and repeat what a saint she is. She asks about us but never listen to my answer.
She also has a weird relationship with "suffering/pain". To her this is the most valued virtue in life. If we get sick she changes and becomes somewhat normal.
I have sometime to exaggerate our conditions to calm her down and get her more normal. On the other hand if we are happy we are sinners. We cannot go on vacation and be happy and have a good time: to her it is a sin! She would start her tirade of how bad it is for us and I should stop it.
I believe she has suffered from bipolar disorder if not maniac depression at least.
Try to tell her to go to a pshychiatric she would kill you: she is perfect!
My mother is still telling me how I have to behave.
She had heart surgery and because she is feeling a little better (she gained energy to bash) she started again.
I had a rage reaction, never happened before. I never reacted -EVER and this caused me frustration. I screamed on the phone (I live in another country). My sister got upset with me. I feel bad!
But she is eroding my last thread of patience.
I cannot handle it anymore but the end of this problem is that when I calm down I feel guilty.
In all of these years my mind learned to forget. I actually forget the countless events and my wife says it is a copying mechanism: my wife sometimes has to remind me the "events" she witnessed and I actually removed.
I cannot go on like this.
I can't change the past, and I accept that now. I don't carry around any what "If"s anymore. My mom is who she is, and unfortunately was never brave enough to take a deep look into her behaviour and make positive changes that would have improved her life and those that loved her.
Is the OP still with us?
A wise Golden23 said:
" I think it is responded to fairly regularly because this theme strikes a note with a number of people who come to this site and are struggling with a mother who has been difficult all their lives. It makes care giving so much harder. It is relevant for them."
So this thread lives on. Doubt that the poster, Treading Water is still around?
Prayers and blessings to you..
My situation is a little different but I can relate. I left today and decided I will not see my dad and sister again. My mother passed away a year ago and my dad has been a harsh, angry, alcoholic since. My sister recently moved in with him and they get drunk together every day. I have taken care of everything financial, bills, settling estate, etc. for my 80 year old dad for the past year (it was necessary as he is not capable) and he now sees me as my mother. He’s projecting all of his anger for her at me. We’ve had what I thought was a close relationship for the past 10 years, but now I’m being bullied because I’m the responsible one who reminds him of my mother? And my manipulative narcissistic sister saw this as an opportunity to drive a wedge between us. He had become progressively more verbally abusive over the last year but I figured that was the grief so I tolerated it, but when he became physically threatening towards me, I had it. As mentioned, I left today, for good. It was such a relief and just one day away is very healing already. I’m just now realizing that man in that house ceased being my father a year ago, and what remains is a monster. As for my sister, she’s always been that way. I hope they are both very happy together. They can drink themselves into oblivion daily for all I care. I’m done, but I know it was the healthiest action to take. I wish you well in your own health, and hope you also find relief and freedom when you remove that toxicity from your life. Trust in your good friends, and leave toxic family behind.
very depressing. Seeing all these comments is sad but at least I’m not alone. But it also makes me think shy so many people who had no business pro-creating gave birth.
Why did you bring a toxic mom to your home? I hope her influence on your child has not been very toxic? I know this is the wrong question to ask now, but I was wondering why.