My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

Thank you for posting this. I have been so alone in being treated terribly by my 80 year old mother.

My mother has reverted back to the child-abusing monster she was when I was growing up. She started telling me things she used to tell me growing up, like: "I never wanted you, you ruined my marriage, you ruined my life, you are a terrible person, you don't deserve to live on this earth, you were born bad, you are bad, etc...." When she started telling me these things as an adult, I stood up to her and tried to explain she is responsible for her own marriage and childhood behaviors, for small children, are beyond the control of the child. She insists that I am different and I was born bad and ruined her life.

My husband seems to think I shouldn't take her seriously and doesn't see her words as all that serious. I send my husband to deal with her because I don't want to see her. My husband makes me feel guilty for not trying to work it out with her.

She is nice to others but not me. She singles me out for bad treatment and tells my daughter and husband that they are okay. She calls other family members and complains about me. I don't know how to work it out because she is mad at me for being a bad kid. I've apologized and continue to apologize for being a bad kid. I gave up trying to help her realize her role in her own life. Now, I just don't want to see her.

Is it wrong to just avoid the old mean person, as long as someone else (like my husband) attends to her needs?

You are not alone. I have been my mothers only care giver for almost 2 years. She doesn’t like to get a bath so that is not pleasant. She had a dr appointment last week and she didn’t want a bath and said she wasn’t going and if I tried to make her get a bath and go she would call police to me. I would like to drive off and leave her here.

I guess I should consider myself lucky. Ndad is rarely overtly nasty, but complains constantly about me and has a penchant for attracting grifters
and exploitative people. Guess who gets to step in a rescue him? Yep.

He's paranoid in the extreme, thinks others are out to use him or exploit him
or steal from him.. I'm thinking it's textbook projection.

He has been a black hole of need, which I've graciously tried to help as he has
serious health concerns, some quite scary. But each and every time he is
better it's a new drama, new gossip, new chaos. So even though it's not
fighting, I do think the drama and playing victim and all the gossip is enjoyable
to him, regardless of the stress and drainage of funds it causes.

Not liking this type of thing and this personality pattern seems like a very healthy thing. It has destroyed my trust in my Ndad and any sense of attachment. All that is left is dreary duty. I'm trying to put up as many boundaries as possible and learn to develop a thick skin and sense of humor.
Quit hoping for change and find a way to deal with the reality as it is, instead of
how I wish it to be.

Hugs and best wishes to all who experience this type of parent. Take time off
whenever you can. Dont' leave it until it's too late and all your time off is spent
in a doctor's office!

I could have wrote this. I have always said that my mother's bad behavior will not dictate my behavior. I've treated her the way I would want to be treated, but I am to the point I cannot stand her. She makes me miserable. She is 79 years old and loves drama, has no filter, will not stop and think before she speaks. Is completely inappropriate in many ways I will not go into, but it is embarrassing. It would be different if she had a condition that explained her behavior, but she has been like this for many years! She loves conflict and isn't happy unless she's causing everyone else to be mad and edgy. She's her own doctor, doesn't listen to advise given and always knows more than everyone else. She is a miserable individual, but why I have no clue. She has told me many times she loves being angry and fighting, it makes her feel alive. Whatever that means. She makes up stories about people and says things we all know are not true. She is definitely a negative person who literally has nothing good to say about anything. She too has alienated all her friends and most of her family. No one is breaking down doors to visit her and she has the nerve to say "I don't understand why no one wants to visit me". I'm at wits end and I have made the decision to give her more alone time to save my sanity.

You're not alone. My mother is the same. Nothing nice to say about anyone.

It's okay for you to have some time on your own since it's your life and not hers. I'm sure her needs will be met in the assisted living.

Karen28d

It sounds as if me & you are long lost sisters perhaps? This is not what i pictured getting older. I think I have been put thru enuf with my mother when i was a child. Now in my adult life I'm not going to let her verbally & emotionally abuse me. Sooner or later she's going to b in the hospital & I hope they don't waste their time calling me. I'm not going to her funeral either. I've had to deal with my daughters death. All by myself. She was 4. My mother so called...has NVR never ever been one. So.why should I care ? Hope you can move my dear ..thinking of you! ((Hugs))

I need to stand up to my 81 year old Mom. I can no longer stay on the phone with her when she negatively rants and curses about someone or she does her blue streak of talking, talking, talking, blah, blah, blah. It has never occurred to her that listening to her is no fun. She truly is in her own little word. After being on the phone with her it takes a day or two for my feelings to catch up with me. And I start bingeing. And with bingeing I make myself sick. I don't drink or drug but I binge. I don't want to be a victim to my overwhelming emotions, my eating disorder or my mother's behavior. I'm going to write a letter to start so she can see in black and white what I want to get across. Then when we talk on the phone I'm going to interrupt her as needed. Also, I'm going to try something. I'm going to tell her that I'll help her with the art of conversation. After I share about something going on in my life I'm going to ask her to comment on what I've just said. Fortunately my Mom has a sense of humor. I hope to explain to her that when she describes each individual neighbor as an a**h*** it takes me back to my childhood when my parents would fight and curse and it makes me sick to my stomach. I'll report back to this forum and let you know how it goes. For those of you in the deep throes of Mom's insanity, remember you are not alone. And you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

Omg. Have just started reading and oh yes, we must have the same moms. In hospital right now, with 83 old mom. Yes, she is nasty to me, my brother lives 5 hours away, so no help!! She has a UTI, which makes her worse. It scares me to think, what if I grow old and treat my child own child this way😭😭. Sorry everyone is going tbrough this, but glad th it s is the only time I dont feel alone!

Thank you! I cannot believe I am reading this! Are you sure we don’t have the same mother lol. My mom just turned 65 and walked away from her house and moved herself in with me and my family. It’s been 8 years. She lives with me for free. She has a car and can take care of herself. She spends all her money on the first of the month and I have to buy her necessities for the rest of the month. She literally hates me or that’s how she acts. We are at the doctors now and she started talking loud and saying I don’t make her appointments or do anything for her! I don’t know what to do?

I am very happy to find this page and see Many others experiencing a similar situation to me. My just-turn 95 year old mother is eating me up inside and making me depressed, more than I want to admit to. My father died in 2002, leaving my brother and I in care of my mother. She has always been fericiously independent and it is just killing her that she can’t take care of herself and make ALL her decisions. She has been dealing with dementia issues for the past ~2 years and her personality has become nasty, selfish and self-centered, worse than dealing with a child.
She has caregivers taking care of her most of the day in her house and put it in her durable POA statements that prevent us from getting her into a nursing home. She also loves to play my brother against me despite just about the only thing he does for her is talk on the phone with her. She will cal and call and call him, as much as 25 times within 2 hours but will not call me unless there is something drastic issue with her finances. I have taken over most of her finances and taxes because bills were not getting taken care of, she cannot write checks anymore, her handwriting is so bad and does not leave the house so no banking, etc. My life coordinating with caregivers and handling things, including repairs from a distance (I live 800 miles away, whole other story with even more resentment of my mother’s part).

I hate to say this but I wish her miserable existance would hurry up and end.

She has no quality of life: poor eyesight, can’t hear worth a darn but won’t get hearing aids (costs too much money, she is too cheap for words); incontinent both ways and refuses to change Depends after sitting in them for 2-3 days. Broke both hips, both upper arms and has very limited mobility so sits in one spot all day, refusing to do PT (complains they hurt her, more stubbornness). Just nasty, nasty, nasty....

Her crowning blow recently for me is calling me on my birthday to tell me she wasn’t going to call and wish me happy birthday, send a card or do anything. She only called because she was badgered by a caregiver and as soon as she told me this, she hung up on me!! So over her...

Watching a very old, dementia case slowly wither away has got to be the absolute worst thing for any child/family to have to go thru!!

Dear Muddbuggin - I feel for you, I really do. These nasty, obstinate, selfish abusive "parents" should never have been allowed to walk this planet but unfortunatly they have been !! We have to not allow them to rule our lives - but that is easier said than done. I honestly wish my mother would crawl into a hole & never be seen again & probably so do you - God bless you in alk that you have to deal with - it is not easy.

It is comforting to know you are not the only one in these situations. My mother is 94 and the most toxic person i have ever known. Dad died 5 years ago and since then i have come to realize that this is nothing new. She has always been this way and as i became the only one dealing with her I've come to understand what was going on in my own life growing up with her. I am adopted also with no known siblings. Through her own comments and from other family members it has become clear that she never wanted me. She stated Dad was the one who wanted me. That being said as of yet I have not totally abandoned her. She has run family and friends away. I cannot do anything and I mean anything to please her. My wife and I decided 40 years ago we will not bring this into our house. I have totally given up trying to do anything for her, I take her to the grocery store every two weeks and call often so i can control the time i have to listen to this. You cannot talk to her about anything. She cant hear and wants to do nothing about it, says she cant see well, if I mention the doctor she shuts me down right away and baits me for an argument.
There are a couple of things I cannot seem to let go of , she accuses me of stealing her money and she attacks my wife and daughter by accusing them of stealing things out of her house. Can you imagine your own mother calling you a thief ??   As many of you could I could go on and on but I won't. It is just good to relieve the pressure sometimes.

I totally hear you . I absolutely am drained from my mom. Omg ..i can't believe she is so spiteful,abusive, mean,,among many other things. What a worthless mother. She should of never had kids. Her mental instability is so bad. She tires my dad out. We lost our GPA 8 days ago & all she talks about is "when is he getting his inheritance ?" She even told my dad...can I call your sister & ask how long it's gonna take ? Omg...wow...

I know exactly how everyone feels. My mother is 81 I am 57 and if she had her way she would be number1 in me and my brothers life. The phone rings and I go into panic mode as she expects my immediate attention - jump in the car, go round, just because she thinks I should - nothing should come before Mother. She is the most narcissistic individual I have ever met and has been all our lives. Dad left her after 28 yrs but none of it was her fault oh no !! I try to set bounderies bit it don't work - as I am the nasty one for trying to lrotect myself and my family. The sooner she goes the better - there I've said it. She is one miserable, nasty piece of work but is not to blame for her own life choices it is everybody else's fault it all went wrong. Nothing I do will ever be good enough - so why bother. God help us all with self centered, self absorbed parents - who have slways been this way.

Hi ewymer. I too understand what you are going through. Did you notice that this thread/topic started 7 years ago and it is still going strong? That means there are many of us with similar struggles. I'm in CA, my Mom is in OH, which is where I'm from and I cannot imagine living geographically close to her. My three brothers and I are not working together to help my Mom who is isolated by choice. She's been isolated practically her whole life and she won't take any suggestions. She's relatively healthy but in denial about needing hearing aids and she's starting to have problems walking and that could lead to way too much sitting but of course she won't consider getting to the bottom of why her foot hurts. That would mean a doc visit and she hates all docs. She was mean to me when I was a child and at the same time she dumped all of her marriage problems on me. She told me stuff that no 8 year old should ever know about their parents' relationship. My Dad passed in October of 2017 and she's been extra extra irritable and angry since then. I can't get a word in edgewise when I talk to her and she gets angry and snippy when I tell her I missed something she said and could she clarify or repeat? She doesn't seem interested in anything I have to say. Looks like one of my brother's is going to stay with her 2 weeks at a time every other month or so and I realized I can stop worrying about her isolation. I hope you can find some help. I read a story once about a caretaker hiring what the elder thought was simply a cleaning lady that does cooking. After cooking a couple of meals for her and warming up to her she accepted having this "cleaning lady" around and they were able to bring her in for actual elder care which was her actual job title. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find help soon!

You are definitly not alone. You just described my mother, atleast the mean and nasty part. She actually didnt have alot to do with our lives. She didnt come to my graduation or wedding. I guess she couldntvb bothered. When i was a little girl she was abusive toward me. Sonetimes id stay on the backyard untill my dad got home from work, he was the complete opposite of het
Anyway,now i live with my mom during the years when my kids wete young we reconnected. So out of financial need and thinking we could help each other i made the big mistake o living with her nothing i do is right. She treats me like trash. Dhe doesnt like any of her neighbors
I can see that she isnt right in the head, but i cant convince my sister of it. Mom is paranoid, nasty ,shes been very forgetfull lately she cant see real well. And here i stay ,trying to help someone who's told me she hates me.

So your definitly not alone

Oh Ewmyer, even though it is so sad there was comfort in knowing that it wasn't just me.

For some caregivers, if we really did follow others' advice and "care for our parents just as they once cared for us..." we'd get done for neglect and abuse!

But often the problems weren't a lack of love itself, exactly, they were to do with personalities or character traits - not to mention Fate, as in your family's losing your father - that just meant our mothers were lousy at being mothers. So you still love your mother, but it's in spite of her mothering, not because of it. In your own good time you'll find the right balance with her.

Wow I am so glad this page is here. I feel like our parents are living way too long, seriously, to the point where they are a huge burden on us, sort of dragging us down with them in a time when we should be enjoying our lives, the way they did in their 50's and 60's. Now I seriously feel like my generation should just bow out sooner then theirs. I live in a town where the majority seems to be people way past the age of retirement. My own mother has been retired longer than she worked! What kind of world are we leaving our own kids? Questions to ponder.

Countrymouse: Just you acknowledging that I am not insane is a blessing! I like the part about 'realise there isn't any point and give up' because it seems I have to do that on a weekly basis. My Mom's third and last husband, once told me in a moment of candor, "I don't think that woman is ever going to be happy." He said this before he died, and I carry it with me as a precious thought shared by a truly lovely man who became my stepfather after I had left home for college years ago. And I'm thanking you countrymouse for your kind words. :)

:(

That's me reading your post, ewymer.

How long have you been coping with your mother's care needs?
How much longer are you thinking of carrying on?

The thing is, one way or another, it might help if you set a time limit and look for what other options there might be.


I completely sympathise with how frustrating and harrowing together it is to have any kind of meaningful conversation in this situation.

It is wonderful when you realise there isn't any point and give up, you know. Because she is either going to disagree; or she is going to feel bad; and neither of those is going to make you feel one whit better about history.

There is more satisfaction to be gained in doing your best in spite of everything. Very imperfect best, in my case - but still, it's all you can do.

My mother loves to argue with me, and she is losing her hearing, which just adds to our mutual frustration. She constantly tells me she can't hear me, and I have to get louder and right in her face to talk. It is exhausting, and leads to so many arguments about ..well life and the past and the way she always cut me down as a child. She used to call me "fats", "fatsmarty", and "miss shout a mouth loud mouth," to name just a few. I was raised with my Dad dying when I was six, and my "uncle" Al becoming my step-father, but they divorced when I was 12. Just about every time I'm with Mom now to "take care" of her, we end up in an argument. I wish she'd finally just die already. She's 88 and I don't even think she planned on living this long. My sister lives in a foreign country and can't stand her. I'm here back in my home town, where I never pictured myself being again, just to help her. I hate her but yet, I love her. Help!!

My Mom has always been a downer in a highly self-righteous way. Now that she is 87, living with me,my daughter and my Dad, I see how much of a complainer she has been and always will be. I know she won't change, however, I don't think it's OK for her to be such a &^*(^&^...She takes no responsibility with her care, but points out how incompetent I am. I have been an RN for 30 years, but that isn't good enough for her. I look at older people differently now, and understand how grown children are absent in their parents life's. The only good thing I see, is I don't ever want to be like My Mom.

My "mother" lives in White Plains, NY. "Myrna" just doesn't seem to die despite the fact that over 20 years ago she claimed she was dying. Undeniably, she is largely a hypocondriac who incessantly talks about her array of alleged illnesses and ailments. Everything is her way or no way. She has absolutely no interests other than politics. And, she is an extreme liberal. She speaks in a loud screachy voice and rarely bathes. She was never a clean person. If she were truly so sick, she would have died long ago. Would have far happier lives without her around. Why is it taking so long?

Wclaire you are not going to h*ll, unless you mean h*ll on earth for letting your chronically mean and empathy deficient mom run your life and your self-esteem into the ground. You can't please her, so do the things that really help in some way that is really needed as you can, find help to do the rest and screw it if they throw the help out and try to dump it back on you. It is sad when "love" is turned into nothing but drudgery and duty that you can't help but detest and hate, but Mom's behavior has done that, not yours. If you need your job, you have to set limits on demands during work hours or you risk losing it!

Had the same kind of "mother" as many of you. Well before she developed dementia I had to cut ties for my own sanity. The verbal abuse was constant-- cursing, name calling, etc. When I was young the physical abuse was terrifying and the resulting PTSD has destroyed any feeling of safety in the world.

The worst was her triangulation with others. As I'm an only, the way she went about doing that was by "adopting" others. Including putting them into her will and writing me out if I didn't put up docilely with her non stop abuse and aggression. What sickens me is how many people could see through her mental illness (or personality disorder) but nevertheless eagerly queued up to be included in her will . They in turn would encourage her rages and help to solidify her insanity that I deserved all the abuse she heaped upon me, I guess so they might have a chance at her $$

Despite paying for my own university education though working and scholarships, and
maintaining 4.0 throughout, I was portrayed as a druggie and deadbeat to all and sundry. I'm sure this is all familiar territory for those here caring for aging narcissistic
parents.

What has been the hardest thing for me to accept stepping back into my father's life
after my Mom's passing, is that although he doesn't verbally abuse me, he emotionally
abuses me, while playing Dad of the year to all who cross his path. This should NOT have been a surprise to me as he sat back and let my mom abuse me growing up. I think he thought "better her than me!"

Thus although I break my back helping him, he treats me like a servant then complains and gossips about me continually to others, while treating them with an affection and respect he chooses not to share with me.

It's so disheartening. :( . Ie, he recently told me I should euthanize my old dog, because
she was too expensive (highly ironic as he wants me to spend my $$ on him although he has enough funding to more than cover his own expenses). I declined his advice, but when it did become time to put my pet to sleep, he started chiding me that I really needed a dog, implying that I was too mentally f**ed up to have friendships and that only a dog would be able to accept me. And of course the greatest irony, was that I have lost touch with some friends because of my extreme exhaustion dealing with his many health crises?!!

I guess the harsh truth is that if a narcissistic parent wasn't there for you as a child when
they are morally responsible to be there for you, they sure as heck aren't going to be there for you as an adult child. No matter how much you sacrifice. I do believe that
if I dropped dead of a heart attack while caring for my father, he'd just maneuver around
me to schmooze up whoever might give him the flattery and attention he constantly craves.

An adult child is synonymous with caregiver/servant to a narcissist. They may feign interest in your life but in my experience it is either to keep the highest levels of care
going or to get some dirt, real or imagined, either to spice up their gossip about you or to gain some leverage to blind side you in a weak moment. To expect normal family anything from these folks is to cause you and your loved ones real pain. Nothing short of your own demise will stop their black hole of need from consuming your life if you
choose to keep acquiescing to everything they want and demand.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaries are only solution. Such a tough thing to do when you've been groomed by narcissistic parents to become their clone and servant, and thus to have literally no boundaries at all!!! Best of luck and
encouragement to all who are in this situation. Your very life depends on good self
care and good boundaries!

Unfortunately, I Am Going Through The Exact Same Issue With My Mother What Many Here Are Going Through.

For The Past 10-15 Years, I Can't Believe Some Of The Things That Have Come Out Of Her Mouth ... Things She NEVER Would've Said In The Past.

She Has Lost ALL Her Friends Because Of Her Mean Nature And I Am On The Verge Of Moving Out And Letting Her Take Care Of Herself.

I have no guilt's whatsoever when it comes to not inviting my father and his wife to my house for holiday meals. My sister and I grew up with a very bad tempered father and after our mother passed away when we were very young we were expected to take over all of the household chores at the ages of 9 and 11. We never had a proper childhood and were never allowed to have friends over to play, ride bikes, have sleepovers, etc. He was always well dressed but never had enough money to clothe my sister and I so we had to make do with hand me downs from those that felt sorry for us. To say it was embarrassing having to go to school dressed in old and sometimes torn clothes is an understatement....... I'm surprised we weren't bullied at school for the way we were dressed.
He remarried when we were teenagers and the relationship we had with his wife was terrible from day one and has continued up until now. They are both in assisted living close to where I live and both suffer from dementia and because of her incontinence and the few accidents she's had both in the home and at a relative’s house, there is no way I will have her in my house and my father won't come without her. They are both very unsociable and other than meal times in the home, just sit in their room staring at each other all day. Going to visit them has become very stressful so I limit my visits to just 10 minutes. They are lucky that we have remained close by in order to help them, many would have taken off long ago and not returned.

Guilty??? Not one bit.

Be careful how you treat your children for they are the ones that will be pushing your wheelchair one day.

I have a Mother-in-law that is the same way. My husband went to Florida to get her because she refuses to take care of her diabetes. She has treated her husband very badly because he tries to help. My husband told me he was going to put her in somewhere for professional help. She refuses to go. My husband works out of town and I am left to care for her. She treats me very badly. She is very hateful and nasty. I am about to end my marriage if she does not go. I know how you feel. Don’t be hard on yourself or feel guilty. It is not your fault. Take care of yourself. And good luck!

Hi, I'm new here, but have read many of the comments, and am really heartened to know there are so many other people going through the same things as myself. My grandmother lives with me, it started out that my husband, myself and she bought a larger house together, so that my 3 autistic children could have more space, and I could be there for her as she got older. It has turned out to be a huge mistake. For the first 5 years all she (and my husband of a year then) did was shout at me. I realised that on both parts it was because of the children's (and my high functioning) autism. Neither of them could cope. My husband found it difficult to go from just me and 2 of my children (my 3rd is very close to his nan, and stayed with her round the corner most of the time) to 3 children and nan. But as my nan got older, she got nastier. She was always bossy, but now is nasty and at 90 would you believe she is bitchy to. I can't tell you the rows we have had. I can't stand it when someone is completely unjust, and it's built in me to fight for what's right. I try to ignore much of it now, because it along with other things, has left me with fibromyalgia.  She is not so àble now to argue for days as she is unwell. The trouble is the damage is done, and I can now hardly stand the sight of her, and almost wish she would pass so I could have some freedom and peace. She brought me up, and was always controlling. But as an adult (I'm 44) I noticed how narrsisstic she is. She has screamed at me, tried to stop friendships and told me off for buying small gifts for people that are supporting me, and even made it impossible to have people over for coffee. Everything she does is right and I am wrong.  Her favourite comments are, ' well I can tell what type this one is" when she meets a friend of mine and "The trouble with you Tarnya is' then she will launch into a character assassination of me. She would carry on for days, and it always ends with me apologising. Her children don't like her. One does not speak to her, the other calls every couple of months, and my mother comes down once a week and works here for the day. But she always says that she won't let my nan stop her living her life. I'm stuck, I'm the only one who is not well off, and my nan has used this to control me. There is never enough money with 3 disabled children, and in fairness she has helped me with them since day one. But living with her changed the dynamic from where I had some freedom, to where I have none. And I feel horrible because I wish it would all just end. She tells me what to do constantly to the point where I hide what I'm doing, if I disagree.  I know I will miss the good parts of her when she is gone. But there is no talking to her about her behaviour, I'm always the problem.  She will never say the word "sorry' it is not listed in her vocabulary.  So now I'm left clearing up her mess, she has some bowel incontinence, and leaves all sorts round the house because she cannot see to clean up after herself very well.  She has been dreadful to me for years, and I can't say anything about that, and now here I am trying to be nice and protect her dignity, and still she can be dreadful, and I still have to take it. I feel like telling exactly how it is, but of course I won't.  My husband has really worked hard to understand the children.  We have discovered that he has dyslexia and the behaviour traits that go with it, and he has made an effort to make things work, so that's a very positive move.