My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

CTTN55
My brother 'the golden one' lives 250 miles away from my parents! He usually contributes more financially but recently he has tried to visit/help them more ( once a month maybe)
He is a doctor so he is very useful in giving medical advice/direction! Hence is great 'goldeness'!
I just think my Mother just doesn't love me as much,added to the fact she is a complete Narcissist!
My real father died when I was 6 yrs old. I am in effect the odd one out I suppose. I don't really know any different as my Mother has always treated my ( step) brother differently to me.
Sorry to go on but it helps to spell it out sometimes.
I still feel guilty when I try to keep a distance from my Mothers toxic behaviour towards me!
Thanks

Wclaire, I am so sorry about your son's death. (I also lost a son.)

Your grieving is more important than your mother's caregiving. She can spend her own money (just how much is she going to leave you in her will?) for help. You do not deserve to be emotionally and physically abused.

Are there other siblings?

Lizzie, so how involved is your brother in caregiving for your toxic mother? 

Wclaire356
I really feel for you. If you read my previous bit about my own 'Toxic' Mother you will see I truly understand your pain.
I know it's really easier said than done BUT we both need to set definite boundaries between ourselves and our toxic parents.
Otherwise our lives will be totally sacrificed for their lives!
Listen to your husband who loves you and is definitely concerned about your welfare.
Believe me I know it's hard to really step back but I'm trying to put my sanity first now. Even though I just can't get rid of the guilt and worry in my own head!
Let's try our best to put our welfare in the front!
Good luck!!

HELP!
I'm nearly at the end of my tether with my 88 year old Mother. Her Narcissistic personality has tried to control me all my life. Despite this I would say I am a strong person and very independent.
My Mothers constant criticism of me throughout my life has really worn me down. On the other hand she continually praises my brother and he can do no wrong!
Now at 88 her negativity towards me has only grown worse. There is no apparent Dementia like symptoms just a more concentrated version of her regular personality.
I try to care for her and my stepfather in their own home. I live 20 miles away and have a family of my own.
I do as much as I can but nothing I do is ever good enough. I have grown used to her 'Black' moods but now they are becoming intolerable. Often she is only verbally abusive towards me but sometimes she is also physically aggressive.
I made a decision that I would just leave their house if she started but this makes me feel so guilty . My stepfather is 92 and a lovely man though now very physically frail. He has home care twice a day and medical assistance.
I know my Mother can be 'nasty' with him too but he is determined to remain at home. He is mentally very healthy.
I visit them every week and carry out a variety of chores.
During my last visit my Mother was excessively abusive towards me and resorted to physically attacking me.I wanted to just leave but my Stepfather was desperate for me to stay. My Mother continued to throw numerous insults at me and prevented me from carrying out any of the tasks I had planned to do for them that day.
I thought my head would explode when she wished that Id 'get Cancer' and told me I was 'Evil' and would 'end up a lonely old woman' etc,etc,
Eventually after 4 hours she calmed down and I managed to leave their house.
Its not a healthy environment for me to be in but I worry about both of them. I still love my Mother but I don't 'like' her sometimes!
Some may say she has mental health problems. If so, why is her behaviour so selective. Towards my brother she only ever loving and admiring!
Thanks for listening folks.

My mother is 74 is bed ridden and double incontinent. She has carer come in four times a day. My dad is 84 had a heart attack 5 years ago has had several falls and has early dementia. My mother has narcisstic personality disorder and is cruel spiteful and demanding. She gets my dad to ring me at work to bring things round or if they have a letter that needs dealing with immediately. I go round after work up to 5x a day. My husband is about to leave me because every time I go,there I leave in tears and am so angry it’s her spiteful comments I feel like crashing the car. My only son killed himself in August 2017 due to health problems and depression. Two,days after that happened I am round my parents hanging up washing and dealing with all their crap. Examples of my mothers comments. “Oh you should be over your sons death by now. Why don’t you adopt another child”. When she rung me up at work up demanding biscuits that they had run out of one day before the online shop was due and I said she was a pain in the a##e she says “if you speak to me like that again I write you out of my will”. Like I care!!!! She treats me like a servant barking orders at me. She has no empathy or sympathy has another been a mother to me and yet i feel this strange obligation to care for them even though they are both mentally bullying me and I feel like killing myself just to escape the drudgery. She constantly complains about the carers because they don’t always arrive at the precise time on the rota. They rush in and rush out again and I don’t blame them the way they way she talks to them. They try to wash her hair and she refuses and then lies and says they won’t wash her hair. I leave work at 5 and don’t get home till 7pm. I know I will go to hell for this but I hate my mother. I had no relationship with either of them when growing up. They never praised me encouraged me supported me. I think I need to go no contact but who will sort my dads tablets pay their bills or do their food shopping. If don’t want to see them ever again! My husband argue about them every day and life is hell. Still trying to grieve for my son ....

My mother is 86 years old, and in good physical health. She was and is still mentally abusive, manipulative, nasty with most traits of narcissism. I am 58. At age 13, I had to accept that my mother was not nor ever would be a mother in any meaningful way (no nuture; negative emotional impact; control, control- all there was neglect alternating with emotional abuse, depending on the day). I was trained to keep my mouth shut, show no emotion (even in the 'privacy' of my room, where I would be punished if I cried or demonstrated any real enjoyment in anything). Becoming a 'motherless child' in my teenage years was the best decision I ever made. I accepted I had no mother, retreated into myself until I could make my own way in life (age 18), and later learned to really like the human being I am (contrary to her descriptions, of course). I neither want nor need anything from her. I do feel obligated to still deal with her for the sake of my siblings, who do more for her than I can do and still keep from going into depression/anxiety. Bottom line: accept that a parent really isn't a parent if they don't earn the affection and respect that goes with the title. It is okay not to like your narcissistic parent; it is okay not to love that parent; it is okay not to feel an obligation toward that parent. Don't ever let a narcissistic, abusive parent live with you. Once in, you'll never get them out. Just say "no, that is not going to happen". ( I have told my mother that on many occasions. She knows it is intractable.) Only visit as often as you personally want to for whatever reason. Just try not to let it be guilt. Work through that; accept you don't have a mother/father (never had one in the true meaning), and try to find some peace with your own life. Good luck to all of you. (btw- the first time I realized I was a 'motherless child', it was very painful. But it helped to make sense of the crazy, and allow me to move on and forget any visions of a loving, caring, normal mother.)

My mother was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and she is narcissistic. There is also Narcissistic Personality Disorder and probably more disorders with narcissism.

Does this parent thing we are sharing (hell from day one) have a name? Is this a syndrome- mental illness-psychosis or just your basic Miserable Narcissist ? Not that it matters anymore, I have finally done right by me by ACTUALLY handing it back to her, in my mind, to carry forward. It just got too heavy to drag around 24/7. I just wanted to know if there was a definition or name. Thanks

CTTN55,

These types of parents groomed their adult children to take their abuse from childhood and expect nothing to change now that they are grown. It does not always turn out that way, but too often it does.

" If this were a spouse, friend or sibling treating you this way you would never be expected to put up with this abuse. I understand doing the right thing..."

I don't understand why children ARE "expected to put up with this abuse." I really don't. Or why it's the "right thing" to put up with these abusive elders. If we were to stop reinforcing these ideas, caregivers would be healthier and happier, yes?

I understand how it feels to be mentally abused and manipulated all your life! I am also 60 and tired of that type of abuse from my mother; her kids have always been her passport to life, and it's worse now, but she still wants to impose her ORDERS; I can't handle it anymore, but my sister who lives beside her is putting up with all the crap.
My mother has suffered from mental illness all of her life (some sort of neurosis), but refuses medication; she has been taking Zoloft/Sertraline for close to 1 year now, but she doesn't follow the protocol & takes it as she pleases! A FEW MONTHS AGO SHE WAS DOINg better while semi-complying with Dr's orders, but now she's back to skipping doses most of the time. We also have a prescription for a calming agent Respiradol which has to be given without her knowledge (works well in the milk which she adds to her coffee and tea), but my sister (her caretaker) refuses to give it to her behind her back so things are back to the usual manipulation/control inferno.
I've told my sister many times that in order to maintain some kind of peace we have to use the Respiradol when needed, but she refuses to do that kind of backstabbing! We do have a prescription; I don't know how to convince her (my sister) that maybe she should start helping herself too!
All the best!

stuggling1
And I thought my mother was bad. If this were a spouse, friend or sibling treating you this way you would never be expected to put up with this abuse. I understand doing the right thing as I am doing the same for someone who could care less about me and has emotionally neglected me and manipulated me since adopting me. I applaud you for what you are doing for her. I would have to walk away for my own sanity and if anyone ever called you into question all you would have to do would be submit all the documentation. I hope you get relief from her mental illness soon. Blessings to you!

Oh dear - my song is different in the details, but the same kind of music. Your mother, and mine, and many others on this thread are sick. It is their problem, not ours. You said it well.

"I now see her as a person who its my duty to provide for her health and care for and I don't have to have a close relationship- the one I want, as mother and daughter. Its ok to do the right thing for someone who will never EVER give you anything in return, simply because they are not wired that way. Its ok to still respect the parent position in your life even though they can't respect you as a loyal person in theirs."

Yes, yes, and yes. Well done!

THANK GOD FOR ALL OF YOU! Being an only child, I heard
" we didnt plan on you!" and it went down hill from there, now Im 60. Dad is gone and she lives alone 1500 miles away. Anything that went wrong - it was because of me- I HAD to be put in private school to keep me from PUBLIC school kids, I HAD to have a tutor, because I wasnt as smart as "their kids"- I HAD to go to summer school- I came into my teens under lock and key with self esteem of carpet fiber. Weekends were for cleaning. I mean washing windows, baseboards, walls, curtins, chandelier, bathroom scrubbing, kitchen cabinets, flipping mattresses.....cleaning closets- some major weekend occupying things...God forbid if I put my laundry away less than perfect, drawer were dumped, do it again- I was a "slob" and a "pig". Come Jr year in high school, I tried out and made cheer leading.......big mistake when she saw the uniform, I was yanked out of the gym for dress liking a tramp- World class embarrassment here! Senior year, I made the basket ball team....there I was, about to shoot a free throw and the gym door opened up and her she comes storming across the court. I didnt leave a note before leaving the house. At 17, a fate worse than death.
No college, I was only going to get pregnant or married and throw the money away. Dating years.... you dont want to know, pig, whore, tramp, slut, boy crazy, why buy the cow if you get the milk for free, all they were interested in was sex. Where was dad during all of this...he was a work-a holic, and travel as needed...I understand why.
Anyway, you can see where all this started and where it is still....She is 90 now, and in dam good shape for 90! Lives in a 4 bedroom, pool home in a gated community and has all the service need to maintain it...and it cost me a fortune.
She gets herself into fights with everyone from Water Department to landscaper number 38! She fires at least one a year....Cable company, omg the fights.....there isnt one neighbor who not an "***hole, SOB, drunk across the street, drug addicts down the street, wild kids,..... her language is that of a gutter rat. If she goes to the grocery store, sure enough Management gets involved at some point. Rotten fruit, bad meat, prices went up, rude clerk.... Car insurance or home owners- fight fight fight and changes agents left and right.....If I could just duck tape her mouth shut. AND she drags me into it, with "My daughter said.....call my daughter" and gives out the cell number. She will tell them I "manager her money" but there isnt any- I just pay the bills.
I get these calls from people I have no clue what she has done.... I have had MORE THAN ONE funeral director call me for payment as she had "booked" her services so" I dont nickle and dime her to the grave".

Health care, entire other subject....I have had a total of 4, all walked out. One lasted til lunch time and never came back, Mom wanted the trash barrels washed out, and garage floor Scrubbed and washed....she was there for personal care and light house keeping......others lasted a day or two...never making a week.
I have no health care proxy, no POA and there is no will. There is no insurance policy or saving acct. strictly Soc Sec and my pay check.

At one point a couple years back, she ended up in the hospital- I jumped a plane-She informed the staff I was "there for the money", "dont trust her" and "cant wait for Hospice to take over"- she also told staff I was "mental" and not to be trusted! She also refused to sign any paper work they offered her to put POA and Heathcare in place . They saw right thru her and had psyc services come up, when he introduced himself, she promptly said I had arranged it to Pink Paper her and put her away- and threw him out of the room.
When she was fed up with the no salt diet they had her on, she accused dietary of trying to poison her and she was positive because the food tasted so bad. She had Dir. of Nurse come to her room to complain about the staff and accused them of mistreating her. It was a long 10 days for staff !
About a month after she was home, she sent a letter to the hospital administrator telling him he was running a death farm.

They sent her to rehab for a week b/c she would not get out of bed- re-coup and PT. She was admitted there at 6PM- 5AM my phone rang, she had AMA herself and was waiting in the lobby for me to get her "OUT OF HELL". I later found out she flung the food tray they brought her- told the roommate she had to "either shut up or die already"- Refused the bathroom and promptly pee'd the bed. Never mind what she said to the staff. All documented in the report. I later heard I "ran sacked her house" while staying there when she was in the hospital.

She hates my kids, my daughter especially...according to her, my daughter came between my mother and me! my husband- the hate she has for him just ooozes out of her skin-He will not put up with her crap, he will tell her to back off HIS wife. She told him " Blood is thicker than water Mister and YOU CAN BE REPLACED". lolol! Dam near died when I heard that!

Let me be clear here, this woman has all her marbles, She is a well spoken full blown Narcissist and believes everything is done specifically planned to screw her over. If she wants something I cant afford at the time I get reminded that I have been a disappointment my entire life- if I had married better this wouldn't be an issue. If I lived closer....If I had gotten divorced years ago- "before you were damaged goods" I could have gotten a decent husband.....usually followed with a 2 hr rant about how life has done her so wrong- THEN followed up with pages of emails........

When she found out I had a back wall heart attack 2 years ago, she literally had a field day about ALL THOSE who caused it!

Her words have always stuck in my brain for some reason, and I can give you decades of quotes that cut like a knife-verbatim-I think because they are so shocking and viscous I just cant let it go. I have 2 drawers in a file cabinet filled with mean letter, rants, emails...all sorts of things she has sent over the years. Pages and pages of how I have disappointed, ruined, prevented, inconvenienced, her life since my birth- which by the way was a horrible experience...yup, I have it in detail and in writing.

For years, I also felt less than- Stupid'er than other kids- parents got some sort of reject when they got me...I didnt and wouldnt date for fear of well, everything....the guy I did end up with, waited for me for years and never gave up and we were friend for years so he knew for the most part.

Having her out of state over the years allowed me to become a confident wife and mother, self employed business owner, but never a confident daughter. I wont lie and say I dont care, I do. I wont stop providing for her, because I know right from wrong. I love my mother because I grew up with thinking I had too......would I pick her to be in my life without the blood connection-no.

Okay, I have put so many embarrassing things about my life out here today- I cant believe Im doing it...but I will tell you NO, you cant have enough $ to make their life better- No you will never do or be enough of anything to one of the most important people in your life. The answer is just NO and I will tell you, its ok. We are up against all the shoulda woulda coulda they didnt get to in their life and now its your fault for not getting it done. Life goes by to dam fast, so there we are struggling every day with an aging pissed off, mean parent ripping into you- and all we are doing is setting ourselves up for the same shoulda woulda coulda.
About a year ago, I stopped ripping my soul out. I have finally realized I cant buy happiness retail for her, I cant go back and fix whatever made her choose me as a target. I now see her as a person who its my duty to provided for her health and care for and I dont have to have a close relationship- the one I want, as mother and daughter. Its ok to do the right thing for someone who will never EVER give you anything in return, simply because they are not wired that way. Its ok to still respect the parent position in your life even though they cant respect you as a loyal person in theirs. Somehow this did make a difference in my life and it had nothing to do with changing her, I changed me. I am a dam good loyal child and so are you or you wouldnt be scanning the web for help. YOU have done the right thing. You know right from wrong, you feel it, you have done it and it hurt you to have it kicked back and rejected. We get one life- put it into perspective and know your not alone, your not crazy, your not some back stabbing greedy kid waiting for a pay day. You stand there, did your best and never gave up. This one not on you....this isnt ours to own. GIVE IT BACK to their ownership and find some peace in your head first. You dont even have to say a word to them..... Mentally, give it back to them- here, this is yours not mine. I dont know how I got to that, but I did and I can tell you from my heart it has helped.

Glad to have found this group. Not wanting to share the whole story at this time, but wanted to ask if anyone else has had to deal with our constant frustration. My 85 yo mother moves things, can't remember and usually accuses me of taking. It takes on a few variations but I know she is up at night going through things. She will also purposely move things for fear I will take, then can't remember where it is. Sometimes she is just straightening up in the extreme. I wake up to reorganized cupboards. My stuff disappears a lot which makes me angry. I just had to buy a new coat hat and gloves. This stuff has always happened but no one would believe me, my brother or dad. It's just crazy worse now, mixed with paranoia. Yet, she still drives 😮 and goes to the dances. Yes, everyone says lock up all my stuff which I am in process. Just wondering if others have this. Everything is so frustrating for me that I realize I have become controlling, probably as a result of years of this. I can't cook or do anything without spending time searching for the utensils or my clothing. I am starting to think I am crazy but my 14 yo daughter assures me I am not. Yes, we live in my mother's home even though I do have a house too. Reading others' posts is reassuring.

super stressed and guilty

OMG
this site has been like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
so many people feeling totally the same way as me. Trying to deal with my difficult cruel manipulative aging father, while my mother declines with advanced dementia for the last 5 years has been emotionally and physically exhausting to the point where I have quit my stressful job and currently retraining for another job ( so still pretty stressed) my wife is very supportive and loving but the constant guilt and anxiety arround how to manage my father and keep my mother safe has been a difficult ride at times for us, as a couple and as individuals.
like many or the kind folk that have made comments I do believe my father has had an undiagnosed mental health / personality disorder all his life and now cognitive decline
all his life , the family have just tolerated his negative controlling manipulative "put down" behaviors. until that last few years there is just me left, as he has estranged himself from everyone else.
you guys are so right. i cannot change his behavior I can only change how I deal with it .
and take time to ensure i dont repeat the cycle by picking up his negative , damaging and poor behavior toward people who care for him.
mum and dad are both in supported care now and together. I have to take heart they they are safe ,fed clean clothed , entertained and cared for.
I dont have to be all of that for them anymore, and its OK to just have short visits with them less frequently to show that i still care and love them.
and its OK to concentrate my energy on my relationship and rebuilding and enjoying my life, new job. and not to feel guilty .
take heart that all the decisions i have made with them and now for them have been for their best interests and continuing health and well being .
thanks everyone for sharing their stories.
its reassuring that I an not going mad!! just a worn out 51 year old. and need a reset and recharge.
keep strong and stand tall everyone

Hi Stressed,
Wow, what a mean comment about raising 2 dogs. It would have been better if she just hurled a few swear words at you. Damn, that's an awful thing to say to your kids.

Get OVER the guilt. That's exactly where she WANTS you. Don't buy into it. Would you put up with this behavior if she was a friend or coworker? I think not. Just because she's your egg donor doesn't mean she has to love you and that you have to love her.
If she's well enough to leave your house and make other arrangements-let her!

Read some books on narcissistic mothers. Also, check out resisting guilt and poor mother-daughter relationships.
It's a shame that anyone has to have such a mean (sick) mother but that just makes you try even harder to be a great mom yourself. I know it did for me. Unfortunately, my son inherited his grandmother's genes and we don't have any relationship. So sad.

We understand. Keep coming back. You've got a lot of good company with the same problems.

Agree with CM on all points. Your mother is choosing to be alone. She's an adult; adults who are competent get to pick who they associate with.

If your mom can live independently both financially and self care wise, then doing so is a good idea.

At this stage of your life, your focus should be on your growing children, your spouse and career.

And yes, some background would be helpful.

It's normally a help if people cut the long story short, but I can't help feeling you've cut off a rather important bit at the beginning - what led to the initial blow-up and your mother storming out of your house? And at 67, which is really not old nowadays, what sort of care did she need?

So there she is, sitting somewhere in splendid isolation and nursing a grudge. How long has she held out so far?

My strong recommendation is that you focus on your family and worry less about your mother's comments - especially so if you're hearing them second-hand. But please do tell us more about the situation.

I can't believe that I can finally be with people that I can relate to and hopefully be able to help me. I have been feeling this intense guilt since my 67 yrs old mother stormed out of my house and refused to speak to me and my brother. She said we neither respect nor care about her. The reason why she was living with me was so I can care for her. Long story short, she refused to speak to us, won't go to dinner, birthday celebrations or any if outings associated with us. My 2 kids, age 12 and 10 thinks grandma is strange. I am constantly feeling guilty when I think about her being alone, for her birthday, holidays, etc. we are all afraid to go visit because there will always be an argument and her complaining and whining about things. How her life could have been different without us. That she raised"2dogs" and instead of being loyal these "2dogs" are bitting her now (referring to me and my brother). How this comment broke my heart! My mom was never diagnosed with an illness and will not be open to this type of diagnosis. We think she is bipolar with depression which explains a lot of our childhood. My brother and I just don't know what to do now with her, since she refused to talk and see us. I can't spend too much time on this since my kids still needs me. I am so caught in the middle and feel like my mom is purposely trying to make us feel guilt and look bad in front of friends and relatives. I am striving to not be my mom so I am very careful with how I handle my relationship with my daughter. But with all that is happening we are setting some bad examples. I am more depress than anything else. Need some strong recommendations, please

You have every right to walk away and not look back. You don't have to put up with this kind of behavior

With gratitude and grateful thanks for all the kind words on this thread, I report today that mother-in-law passed away early yesterday morning. She was not a pleasant person for so much of her life, but my wife and I found the strength to forgive her at that moment when it probably made the most sense. I want to give a public shout-out to our primary caregiver for putting up with so much cruelty in the latter days, and the hospice team that took charge and saw to M-I-L's comfort and pain management right up to her passing, and then looked after many of the post passing details, to minimize the burden on my wife.

Again, thanks to all on this thread! From my first post until now, you have all been of great support. And I will look in on AgingCare.com from time to time and if I can ever offer a word or thought of comfort as I "pay it forward," I'll be honored to do so.

Peace and blessings to all!
~TRW

Post script to my last week's comment: "Psycho woman" has truly lost it. Today, she verbally attacked her caregiver so badly that she went home crying. NO ONE should have to take that kind of abuse, and with M-I-L, this is a normal pattern for her. Angry, narcissistic and MEAN, and there seems to be no end in sight. The caregiver should be nominated for sainthood, as she satisfied the "2-miracle-minimum" by showing up the first day, and returning on the second, though I'm concerned that, given today's dust-up, she may not come back. The day may soon come when M-I-L will need a level of care that can only be provided by assisted living, though I can't imagine they'd put up with her nonsense. The saga of dread continues...stay tuned.

Hi everyone...I'm back! Man, this 96-y/o mother-in-law has gone flat out psycho! She has taken to sending checks to every "begging letter" she gets, boasting that these people are "her friends." She has NO CLUE of how cunning direct marketers can be--including the telemarketers. In her severely diminished mental capacity, she gets argumentative when you try to tell her that she's being duped by professionals. We've started intercepting her mail and some phone calls, but left to her own devices, she just might give the store away!

NO ONE has declared her mentally incompetent, and we all know how brutal it is going down that road, but she is a 1/6 owner in our home and we're finding it increasingly necessary to protect ourselves from her doing something truly off the wall!

Any suggestions from this august group?

Jack,
The fact that your daughter won't come home as long as her grandfather is in the house.... doesn't that tell your wife something?
Who is more important, your F-I-L or your daughter? How unusual she picks her (abusive) father over her own daughter.

You can't tell your wife what to do, but you can tell her what YOU'RE going to do. Maybe you could move in with a friend until she "gets the hint"? Not a divorce, just a temporary separation until you can move back in your own home AFTER he's gone. Could your daughter talk some sense into her mom? You have a right to live (what is considered) normally in your own home.

Your wife should not be likened to a "mother bear". Every one of us has to come to grips with dementia and its effects. It has to come down to what is best for EVERYONE. Her abusive father is impacting her whole family (you and your daughter). Him living in a facility is not "abandoning" him. He would probably get better supervision than at your home and certainly be in a less dangerous situation (chains on fridge, everything locked up, etc.) Maybe you could pick up some brochures from local memory care facilities in the area. Tell her you are afraid for your and her safety.

It seems that (for your own sanity) you will have to "force her to play her hand" on this one. I'm sorry you're in this tough situation. God bless you all.

SueC1957
Thanks for your comments. It is good to get others advice and comments. Some of your comments have already been done (therapist, meds, papers from the doctors). It is amazing to me to see a 33 year marriage in trouble over this, but it is like taking baby bear cubs away from their mother. BTW, you asked about children - our only child moved out to another state before he moved in. She refuses to come home to visit as long as he is in the house.

Take care and thanks again.

Dear JackJack,
Many marriages have broken up due to this situation. That's why I refuse to have my mother (with Stage 5-6 Alzheimer's) live with us.

Get him out of your home now!! This is no way to live and it's a dangerous situation. Obviously, your wife can't "see the forest for the trees" and someone has to make an informed decision. You have compromised too much to accommodate your F-I-L. These accommodations are way out of line, (come on, chaining the fridge?). Tell your wife about the responses on this site. (They will all be negative.) Visit a therapist with your wife and ask him/her if this is an acceptable living situation. (They will say NO!) Maybe they can work with your wife's denial issues also.
You don't mention if you have kids and if they live in the home also. It is subjecting them to possible harm. NO ONE is worth the sacrifices you are making for the amount of potential harm they could cause you, (even if it is 'only' breaking up your marriage.)
If she refuses to make him leave, stand up for yourself and say you can't and won't live this way any longer. You have the right to tell her what YOU won't do. Maybe, when she sees the toll her father is taking on your marriage, she will get the 'hint' and turn him over to the state for placement.
Get Social Services involved and speak to a Social Worker who can give you lots of resources. Call your F-I-L's doctor also to get help and suggestions. The doc can write a letter that 'dad' is unable to care for himself, is a danger to himself and others and needs to be placed in a locked memory care unit. Maybe your wife will 'wake up' when she hears it from his doctor. Dad could also benefit from a doctor's visit for some medicine to help him calm down.

Whatever you do, DON'T do nothing. YOU both will pay for it. Just my 2 cents. Good luck.

Wow, it is good to know others feel somewhat the same as I do. I’m coming from a little different angle. I am only the son-in-law. My wife and I took care of my Mother-in-Law for 4 years in our home. She had dementia but passed away before it became too bad. I thought she was terrible but she was nothing compared to taking care of my Father-In-Law (Stan). I thought we would never take him into our home. I always thought Stan had a sociopath personally and his dementia has only made a bad personality worse. He is in a continual state of confusion and grouchiness. Dirty, disgusting and ghastly don’t even begin to describe his bodily habits. My best guess is he is in stage 6 with showing some signs of going into stage 7. I don’t feel any compassion for this person but worse, I didn’t like this person before he had dementia. His past haunts me as he was a wife/child beater and a dead-beat dad. Stan never sent a Christmas card or birthday card to his only grandchild. For over 30 years, he pretended we didn’t exist. To be honest, I don’t think he deserves to live in a nice home having people wait on him for everything. I think my wife is still desiring to have a loving dad that she never had (will she ever learn it ain't happening). It has put a wedge between my wife and me. The police have declared him a danger to himself and others. The police told us to either put him in a locked down home or secure him at our home. Our home is now like a prison, a fence surrounds the yard with a locked gate, the refrigerator has two chains wrapped around it, my tool shed is locked, our bedrooms have secured keyed locks, even our garbage can has a lock on it (as he will feed himself and the dogs garbage). My wife and I can never have any “us” time. The money he is costing us will drain our resources in time. It’s bad around here and it will only be getting worse. I am beginning to wonder how many marriages have broken apart due to situations of taking care of dementia parents.

This website community is amazing. There are so many people dealing with the same miserable situation as my sister and I are. It's comforting but it makes you realize at what epidemic proportions this problem exists. I haven't spoken with my mother since Mother's Day when she told us she gets more love from her friends than she does from us, and that the only reason we take care of her is because we are only interested in her inheritance. There's more but not much different from the experiences I have read on this site.

Thank you for posting about your situation. This realy helps me as I can relate somewhat. My parents are 80 and 81. My enraged mother has taken on caregiving my Dad who can't walk, is incontinent and now can't use the toilet for bowel movements. He also has beginning dementia. She hates doctors. Won't take my Dad to a urologist or get an in-home assessment done. She's unhinged when we talk to her on the phone. She yells at us when we make suggestions. I was seriously emotionally abused by my Mom when I was a kid. Even before my Dad needed so much care if I spent time on the phone with her I would get triggered and do eating disorder behaviors for days afterwords. I figure now I have to out right tell her if she's not able to not yell them I'm going to have to get off the phone. I have a lot of grief because of my Dad. I want him to have loving caregivers not my enraged mother.