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well Churchmouse I admit its not the cleanest of plans as I look back on it now I should have just urged them to move to assisted living or left them alone. It was MY plan to lessen their rent by 350.00 month and shared utilities. I was 35 miles from them and now I am 10 feet. My brother is 87 miles from where we are. My sisters are on the other side of the United States.
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So...

Three years ago, you rented a house. At approximately that time, your mother and her husband? moved into the cottage attached to your property?

How does this save your mother any money? Are you paying all the rent for both houses or something?

And where does your brother live?

Sorry, a lot of questions I know - just trying to understand what the actual plan was and who came up with it.
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my mother 82 now was a very selfish woman all her life but a good mother give or take a few bad life choices. Married 3 times the last one at age 70 she believes she has married the messiah. I am the baby of 4 and live in the closest proximity to our mother. 3 years ago after realizing she was going to be needing someone closer and wanting to relieve some financial burden for them, I moved into a rental home that had a cottage in the back yard. Perfect. They could retain what independence that still had and i would be super close to my mother, who at that time, though our relationship was strained, still remained "my mom". Since she has moved into the cottage in back she has become the most bitter woman. She had completely alienated me, tells my teenage daughter I have a chip on my shoulder and so much more. Sarcasm was always her choice of social interaction but she has become so scathing to myself and my 2 sisters/practically disowning us. Up to the point that she tells her now husband that my brother is her favorite and that the others (her 3 daughters) can all take a hike! I admit that she raised 3 strong women and a very wussy son (god love him). We believe she has the beginning stages of dementia OR she just really really hates us. I am considering moving out of the rental house I am in and letting my brother have the whole party. I feel that if she continues to tell my kids awful things about their mother (me) then those are the things they will remember about her. It gets worse everyday. What should I do? Move? Medicate?
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So I'm obviously not the first person alive that wished for some kind of sleeping pill to slip in a drink around the holidays ;) I was surprised when Mom became truly dependent that she also become nicer. Same with my aunt after a stroke. She became nice too. Until then (if) I wish you all strength 💪🏼
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Gosh I am reading this thread because my mother who is 82 has been alone for one year. She lost my Father one year ago. She manipulated and verbally abused him for 64 years. She never did anything kind or thoughtful for my sister and I our entire lives. I promised my Dad that I would take care of her however she has picked me to take over the role of my Dad. She won't let anyone else come over, she won't ask anyone else to do anything for her take her places. I want to be kind to my Mother so I call her nightly and try to do what I can but it is out of hand. I am now depressed both because of losing my wonderful Father and I feel that I am against a rock and a hard place dealing with her. I don't know what to do. I even made and appointment for a phyciatrist next week because I am so full of anxiety and depression. My sister does nothing and tells me I am a door mat for mom to walk on but she is elderly and does need help....assisted living isn't in our budget.
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My mom is exactly like these described - she has alienated all friends and family. Things I have learned:
1) she will not change, no matter how much I cry, beg, plead, shout, write letters - it is and always will be my fault
2) since I can't change her or her behavior - I can change mine
3) my behavior change is - leave or hang up when she starts in "I love you, I'm not going to listen to this. Good bye" and leave. At first when I started doing this - she would call back or scream about it next time or write 10-page vitriol filled letters. But doing this keeps me sane.
4) limit my interaction - I don't drag my husband and son up for holidays, we make a phone call. When she starts on my about being lonely and abandoned at Christmas "love you, bye"
5) don't have her at my house
6) focus on my healthy relationships - husband, son, sister, step mom, brother, step brothers and spend time with people that are good for me
7) therapy can really help figure this all out

We have been programmed that it is our fault and that we need to make her happy by doing what she wants, when she wants, how she wants. No more. It took me several years of therapy but wow, was it worth it. It started in confession - my priest listened to me and said that it wasn't absolution that I needed, it was therapy. He recommended a book "Toxic Parents", recommended therapy, and blessed me.
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My mother is a mean, bitter and twisted alcoholic. I live across the road from and believe me having now hit 60 I am going to move house!
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Zodacat can you not tell her when you have time off. maybe go away for a vacation or stay with a friend. if she calls you at home have all your calls forwarded to your cell then she won't know you are gone. I had the same problem with my mother she had to come visit once a week but she lived close so we could easily take her home. Once we moved further away she had to stay the night because hubby had to take her on the way home and back to work in the morning. I had to ask the in laws if we could bring her one year because she pulled a tearful, "what am I going to do"
Can you change the way you celebrate the holiday this year. If you can afford it take her to a hotel for a few days or just go to a restaurant for Christmas dinner and save yourself all the work of cooking a big meal. Failing that invite other people who will dilute her a bit. Maybe even get her drunk so she has to go to bed early.
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OMG - you are not alone. I get to September then get stressed about her coming for Christmas. I work full time and every single time I have time off she comes to stay. She is not an easy guest and does nothing to help - largely because she's so clumsy and has no idea of personal space. She has even followed me into the toilet!
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STBH, Please contact your adult protective/ elder services and tell them that you can no longer be responsible for your mother, and that you need the state to have her guardianship. This will get them to help you by evaluating mother for her needs, and hopefully they can find her incompetent and have a court appointed guardian who will find her a place to live and move her. You will then know 100% that her basic needs will be met. You will be taking care of her by delegating that duty. You will not need forgiving by God. Right now you don't need forgiving either. You have done a great job which has not been appreciated. God knows, and he appreciates all you have done.
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STBH - take care - some states have filial responsibility laws where you could get sucked back in, however unwillingly. Make sure she is not losing her ability to manage for herself and not gong to end up needing care with no funds for it. And if you do not move away, get into some counseling so you can find as much strength as possible to set limits which would make your life tolerable. You need to go out and you need to work. You do not have to feel bad because your mother tries to make you feel bad about having some normalcy and taking care of yourself.
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I just came across this (2016). I am 50 something yrs old and am in the middle of the storm. My dad passed a few yrs back. Not like he was a model parent. Cause just before he died he said he really didnt care for me. After keeping him home for yrs after an amputation left him needing care he said (we his kids were suppose to take care oif him). His story is no fairytale but anyway, another time. But to the real reason my mother who is selfish and ungrateful who thinks my every waking moment should be spent listening to her complain. Or run to every store to get her things she doesn't need or use. I can't go out or go to work without I don't liker being by myself or all you do is work. My only alone time!!! I habve thought about and mulled over we can't stay together anymore. I don't like her, can't stand being around her anymore. There Ive said it don't want her anywhere near where I'm moving. I honestly know I could live the rest of my life nit seeing her God forgive me but I don't ever want to see her anymore wish I didn't have to. I thank her for my life and what little care she could muster to raise me. I've only tried to love her but she has only wanted to suck the joy and happiness out of my life. I just wanted to get this off my chest I hope yo move next year to enjoy some love and happiness I have missed in this negative campground with her.
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Since your wife's mother is a danger to herself, this may be good grounds for an involuntary committal to a hospital for a complete evaluation. She sounds like she may have had a mental illness all of her life if she's been mean her entire life. On the other hand without any legal power, she may have to wait for a crisis to occur which will land her mother in the hospital, need rehab and then your wife could file for emergency guardianship. If not, your wife would do well to see a therapist while she deals with all of this. Sounds like some buttons are being pushed from the past.
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We are dealing with my wife's 95 y/o mother who fits the description of this thread to a "T." Recently, though, her meanness has escalated to an intolerable level and it all lands on my wife, who has done NOTHING but try to do right by her mom--only to have the good deeds shoved back into her face as if she'd done nothing at all to help. Worse than that, on several occasions where we have recommended in-home care, she refuses, but days later she erupts into an argument as to why the in-home help has never arrived. Although she has never been diagnosed as having dementia, all the known signs are there. But because she's never been diagnosed, my wife is powerless to do anything. Her mom is very unstable getting around on her own and she has become a danger to herself. With no power of attorney and with no formal diagnosis, is there ANYTHING we can do to have her placed in assisted living. The one thing we do know, is that it canNOT continue like this. My wife's emotional well-being depends on it. OK...rant over. :-(
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Savemefdh,
I'm an only child also, grew up with alcoholic parents that divorced when I was 5. I felt I was a huge burden to both their life styles. Never had "warm fuzzy" or "girlfriend" feelings with my mom, as she desperately wanted attention from men and resented women (me). Fast forward 56 years. She's lived alone for 30 years and now has dementia. She gets tested (positive Alzheimer's) and moves closer to me, so I can assist her. A year and a half later the dementia is too advanced for her to live alone. She was delusional and aggressive/combative to me. No way was I going to live with that. She's been in a great memory care facility for the last 11 months. Best choice that I ever made, even though it was hard in the beginning.

Sometimes the bad things of the past are too difficult to overcome. It sounds like you had a rotten childhood like I did, (if your mother is your worst nightmare). It sounds like your ex was your second nightmare, so it's time to start a new life WITHOUT either one of them. Now only good dreams. If your mom is able- bodied tell her you aren't able to live with her anymore. Assist her in finding other living arrangements. If she has dementia, then go to Social Services so they can hook you up with the proper resources to get her placed.

I'm not sure how old you are but it's time to stop being sick and start living. Make sure your mom is taken care of and that's your last responsibility to her. If you will "never forgive her", then you shouldn't be living with her. Get your pooch and get on with your life.
God will ALWAYS love you and ALWAYS be there for you. Lean on Him as you chart your new life without Mom. Your life is not meant for suffering. John 10:10, (Jesus said) "I have come that they (us) might have life, and have it more abundantly." "More abundantly" means to have a super abundance of a thing. "Abundant life" refers to life in its abounding fullness of joy and strength for mind, body, and soul. (Taken from WOW.com) That's what's in store for you but you need to do it by yourself, in my opinion.
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Savemefdh, you have the power. Stop wasting it on feeling sick. Tell yourself you are going to be well. You are going to be happy. Reaffirm that God loves you and He will never give you more than you can bear.
Yes, some mothers are energy-vampires. They will suck the life out of you -- if you let them.
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My mother, moved in with me after my divorece. There i was about to start a new life and had my life all planned out for me and my pooch. That is when my hell began. It was hell with my ex, and i was always sick with stomach problems. Now hell has started again for me with my mom in my life. I thought new beginnings, yet i live with my worse nightmare (my mom). Started the 1st part of my life with her, 2nd with my EX, 3rd part which is after my divorce with her again. Now i am sick again. What is with some mothers, do they set out to purposely ruin your life, because of their own miserable lives. Being an only child makes it worst. I think she saw me going on with my life, weasled her way into going with me and ruined everything for me. I will never forgive her, my EX, which is making me doubt my love GOD and his love for me. I already know he does not love me... These arebmy feelings and i will stick strongly to them. They all make me sick! I see know way out. Maybe this is their plan from the beginning, to break me, so i would remain sick and miserable...
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Hola my fellow caregivers!
This forum is indeed a Godsend. It helps to know that you are not alone. It helps to know that others are going through the BS and BM of elderly care. Lastly, it helps to know that someone else would love to be in your shoes because they have it worse. As such, I make an effort to be grateful. Still, sometimes i may go off.

I have been caring for my mother for the past six years. She is now 78 with dementia and 10% kidney functionality not a canidate for dyalsis. In the beginning, after moving from Atlanta to Maryland to care for her, I had to set ground rules. I made it clear there would be no disrespectful language and no physical abuse (a practice she perfected with her husband/my father).
Key stategy for our success:
Mrs. W [address her professionally] Once I consistently did this, the adult/kid manipulation stopped. Parents will be parents until they die, but if you remove yourself from being the child they will have to use that BS on the other children or grandchildren.
I love/hate caring for her due to the health issues and seditary lifestyle, but I try to make the best of it.
One great thing about dementia (oxymoran) is that each day is a new day. If I get frustrated, I walk away for 10, 20 minutes. If I get angry, I drive away! Lol.
I have pretty much put my life at 50 (the new 30) on hold to provide the best care to her. I have Nine siblings that never call, visit, write, say boo! But that is okay because I have always wanted to be an only child. I find that without the others around, mother is more cooperative and easier to deal with.
Sometimes we have to have these "Come to Jesus" meetings where I spit out some bitter truths to get her back on the straight and narrow. You see, she has been thrown out of three physical therapy programs for noncompliance. Medicare requires improvement or they will cut you loose.
After a few months of sitting all day refusing to exercise, I had to enroll her in Senior Bootcamp with me, Sergent Dario as drill sergent. She is getting better now. Legs getting stronger. I tell her flat out, "if you lose your ability to walk because of your laziness you life will become hell". It is a harsh reality and seems to motivate her to try.
For my dear beloved caregivers: be not weary in well doing, you shall reap a great reward!
Just don't put up with BS. You don't have to. Life is a gift. Life is a short gift, don't cut yours short with stress. Stress is a killer.
If your parent doesn’t abide by your rules, they are free to go to a nursing home, homeless shelter or the closest bridge to sleep under.
Providing great care is a gem. Cast not your pearls before swine!
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Hi my mother also was very negative but I told her a few home truths, not in a hurtful way but in a joking way e.g. laugh and say what a moaner you have become. Is there any help for your Dad? I understand how you feel, probably you want to run away from all the horrible things that are happening. Just remember if your dad can be sweet to you he may come back to himself once he has grieved, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I hope your dad gets back to his sweet self. Maybe you could try and get him to see a doctor. I wish you your dad and family all the best and hopefully your dad will return to himself
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I am dealing with such a similar situation. My mother just passed away (the most important thing in my life) and my father has just been so demanding and miserable. He was like that before she passed though. No one could say much of anything or he would just say something ugly. He can't hear good, hurts a lot and is on oxygen. I try so hard, but he is constantly hurting my feelings or my daughters. My brother is hardly ever around to help. What makes it worse is that I live 4 hours away and I believe my father expects me to run up and down the highway. The pain for the loss of my mother is horrible, but he almost acts like he is the only one hurting. He is just crabby and hateful many times, but he can be sweet too. I think this might be dementia as well, not sure. I'm stressed out of my mind.
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Sue324,

What does your husband think about this and how does he feel about it?

Could she afford to live in an assisted living place?
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I am 55 years old and my 84 year old mother moved in with my family a year ago. She was lonely and did not live near me or my two brothers. When I asked if she wanted to live with us (my husband, 22 year old daughter and 26 year old son.) She immediately said yes but was concerned about "our privacy". I gave her a bedroom and turned my dinning room in to a sitting room for her.

That being said, all my life she has been a very opinionated person in a negative way. I grew up with her constantly giving negative remarks, ie: your wearing that?, I don't like your hair that way?, What did you do to your hair? You need lipstick, you look pale!, and that was just about me, I could go on. Now she is living with me and my adult kids have to put up with the same negative comments. She constantly has something negative to say to my daughter, told her she looked like a whore when she tried on a red lipstick, lets her know when she doesn't like her outfit (my daughter is very conservative with her dressing) even went as far to tell my daughters boyfriend he looked better with out his glasses and tell my son's girlfriend she had grey hair. When you tell her its not nice she responds with "I'm just being honest"

Although she was concerned about our privacy, she is constantly asking questions that don't concern her and putting her two cents in! She does nothing around the house to help, treats the house like an ALF. Doesn't help with dinner yet will complain if she doesn't like they way I cooked it.

She is really a miserable person and I believe she was lonely because she lost all her friends because she was so opinionated. Her son's barley call her and her one son (who does no wrong) has seen her once this year and once last year.

I realize it is what it is for now, however I feel as though I lost my family unit of 4. My kids just tolerate it because they are really great kids but they shouldn't have too. I want to take a vacation next summer with out her, I feel as though now that she lives with us its only fair we get time by ourselves. I feel guilty for thinking like this but we all need a break from the negative nastiness!

Thanks for letting me vent, really not sure what I'm after but thought I would get it all off my chest.

On top of living with us, I have taken her on my family Vacation with me for the last 11 years since my Dad died.
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Finding this harder than i imagined...now consistent , going into 5years, dad is almost 91 and dementia has gotten more agressed. I had a near fatal car crash about 3yrs ago and almost died, so its even more difficult. Dad doesnt even know what happened. Up until 2013 a family member was here at family home taking care with his 2 friends. Wasnt the best situation either, since the house was reversed mortgaged by and dad didnt know what was happening. After doing all i could to stop it, etc, they left, Dad never saw the money and now we have this hugh mortgage, that continues to rise. It happened at the beginning stages of dementia. Now after severe car accd i had i made the mistake of selling my condo and moving to house. I had so much reno to do from the mess if the family and friends not taking care of it.. And my dad contibues to get worse.. I have to sell house or we wont get anything out of it..there is some equity at this time.. Still stuck with dad and his actions. Too hard with him. I need to get my businesses going again, but im on disibility for the time being. Extremely stressed and frustrated with this situation and my health not good. Hair falling out and have heavy toxic metals that i need to detox.. Dad is making my life miserable.. Ppl dont get it and i cant go anywhere without settin up caregiver. Too hard to have anyone in house as i cant handle scents, fragrances, perfumes, colonges, laundry soaps, unless free and clear or anything at all that has a scent until i get rid of the toxic issues, ugh. Its toooo hard.. I have too much in my plate. Ive been grieving the loss of my condo and looking for another, but being only on disibility makes it hard for a loan....dad is so demanding and can be quite nasty.. He was a drinker most his life and was never available for me. I only remember him raging and yelling at me.. Although i did much work for myself in support groups over the past 2 decades, living with dad is a horrible experience. Something has to change. Placing him is the best thing to do, but money an issue. Have to sell house first and get another place for me...really relate to everyone here on this forum. Pray for relief and a definite change.. I have no family or any of my own. Standing strong in Gods strength. Thank you for these posts..
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tensharp, you can't be charged with abandonment if you provide for her care. You don't have to do it yourself. I know it's easier for me to say that, though, than it is to do it. Getting an elder to accept care from someone else can be like pulling a polar bear into the vet office for shots. So easy to say; so hard to do.
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THANK YOU. I am experiencing the same thing with my gma. She had one kid, my mother who died suddenly 3 years ago. I insist and swear that my grandma put her in an early grave. My mom was an only child because my gma was too selfish to share my grandpa any more than that. She is the biggest racist, bigot, homophobe you'll ever meet and no person was ever "christian enough" to be her friend. She is 93 with NOBODY. I am the only grandchild not smart enough to run as fast as I could away from her when mom died. The only reason I'm still doing it is because APS said I "can and will be charged with abandonment" if I just stop. I feel NOTHING for her, and the feeling is mutual. Thankfully, I am getting some help and getting her into a facility where I no longer have to put up with her verbal abuse and just plain ugliness. I feel for you...and I UNDERSTAND.
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I met a wonderful woman in her 80's that shared her story with me. As you know from my previous writings on this string that I had no choice but to walk away as my Mother was destroying me. I have no regrets, and was confirmed by this lady's story. She was 31 and her Dad died, she was devastated and went home to live with her Mother to seek consolation. However, the Mother was anything but kind to her and the daily stress living with her Mother resulted in having a thalamic stroke which cause total paralysis of her left side and she is in constant intractable pain for over 30 years since that happened. I share this to express how important it is to value your life - no amount of money, estate or otherwise, is the horrible result of allowing your personal health to suffer... Think closely about moving on - and never looking back... Her story was a gift of God to me and it was as if God had said, "you did the right thing"... All the best...
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This is a great thread. My mother has also been mentally ill all my life. She is mean and uses insults and anger to try to get her way. My dad is also sick and lives at home with me. He is a delight, but she is abusive mentally to him too. I thank you for all the comments. It's nice to know I am not alone. I am limiting my visits to her, but the guilt is so hard to overcome. :-(
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You are most definitely not alone. My mother is like this. She is 83 and been nasty the whole 44 years ive known her. At first the alzheimers made her nicer. Now my young children are terrorised by her comments and nastiness.
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My Dad had Dementia, my Mom has bipolar disorder and my sister has bipolar too. My brother and I are the only 2 who are healthy in the family. My parents house is the most miserable place I can visit, honestly. All they do is fight and argue and yell at each other. They tattle to me like little kids, when one is out of the room and vice Versa. My dad has an all out temper tantrum if the tAlk of any nursing home ever comes up. He made my brother as a young boy promise not to put him there unless he didn't know his own name and surroundings. My mother has run off 3 great care takers that were helping her w him due to her vendictive hateful personality. She was manic when one nurse was there and threatened to kill her. She's hateful to me more than my bro and sis, mostly bc I'm a nurse and i have experience w dementia so she hates me for any help i give, instead of welcoming it. I used to try and help and call and take dad to doc appts all the time but it was killing me. I wasn't functioning well at home as a mom of a wife. So I saw a counselor and learned about self preservation, and taking care of my own family first. I go over once a week, unless she tells me she doesn't want me there. But my guilt is gone. I tried, did the best I could, and got kicked for trying.
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I finally received closure today - I had been the only child and executor of the Family Trust - I received word today that my Mom wrote me totally out of her life. I now understand the feeling about being adopted, but for me, at the opposite side of life... I can't express how cleansing and final this feels and the years of being manipulated and emotionally assaulting by my Mother now come to a cleansing conclusion... I wish you all well and feel your pain... In solidarity...
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