Follow
Share
Read More

1K Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
24 25 26 27 28
Cyndi, narcissism is a bit of a mystery. All of us can occasionally be selfish and hurt people we care about. But the serious, pathological narcissist is constantly and predominantly focused on their own need to stoke their own ego and tends to see other human beings not as human beings with their own needs, desires, and characteristics, but a means to that end. You either help them boost their own ego and are a "good person" to them, or you slip up and speak the truth to them and ask for a little humility or set a limit and become a "bad person" to them. You get cut out of their life if you might reduce their chance of being the center of attention and perceived as totally good and worthy of all admiration, and usually that means perfection in their own eyes.



Everything they do wrong is either not wrong or is excusable; anything anyone else does wrong in their eyes is judged harshly; mistakes are generally not admitted and second chances are not generally given. Mercy and forgiveness is something they have to be tricked into by making it seems like some thing very magnanimous they might do...it is NEVER something they need or accept for themselves.

The disruption of relationships with friends and family was something I grew up with too. I was an only child and terribly lonely. I was NOT "allowed" to feel that way though... the children of perfect moms are supposed to be all happy all the time, so there was no room for any other real emotions that would normally be part of life. Crying was shamed and punished. And my mom was not even a full-blown narcissist by DSM criteria, but it still made life harder and sadder than it had to be.
(3)
Report
Cyndi, being nice to some people can still be something a narc does for themselves. The are nice or generous to impress the person. If it is a distant child, maybe they are buying something or giving them money to pull them back into the fold. Strange how it often does just the opposite. When it comes to non-family, they want to present a certain image of themselves. (We all do.) For a narc, it is all about the image and not the empathy.

I like the story of Narcissus, who falls in love with his own reflection in the water. Narcs are a bit like that. They see reflections of themselves in the people around them and not the actual people themselves.
(1)
Report
Fear of vulnerability (loving someone makes you vulnerable to them) and need for control. It's not a nice way to be. God help them, too, Cyndi. Hugs x
(1)
Report
May be keeping holiday visits to an hour or two at your home or her AL would be more manageable for all. It is tough being a caregiver and there is only so much we can take. Good luck! x
(0)
Report
I am totally feeling all of your pain. My Mother is 84 and has vascular dementia. They have a patch and a pill they are giving her. Her know it all attitude and controlling nature is a sad mix with the dementia. A very nasty, ugly person. I am 60 and have had my health fail and I find it's very hard to tolerate her. It makes me feel guilty but I have a hard time rewarding bad behavior. I'm praying God will help me. I just want to run away!
(1)
Report
I'm reading this and see myself in each reply--Feel extremely stuck and the guilt eats at me every day. My mom lives with me and my family, hardly anyone wants to come see her, she can be pleasant but has a way about her--likes lots of attention. I have given everything I can give--that brick wall mis approaching fast
(1)
Report
Trust me you are not alone. You have just described my 96 yr, old aunt to a T. Bless you my dear for I have walked in your shoes for a very long time. I recently put her into assisted living thinking it would lighten my load. It did some but I still have to take her to all the numerous Dr. Appt. pay all her bills and she has me on speed dial everytime something doesn't go her way. All I can look forward to is thinking ,,,this too shall pass!
(2)
Report
I am in the same boat as all of you...and with the number of comments here...at least I can take solace that I am not alone. My 79 year old mother had a stroke 4 months ago, severe, and wanted more than anything to "go home". I moved heaven and earth to get her home. Moved in my niece and her family, who cover the night shift and a block during the day...and hired caregivers for the rest of the time (she is bed bound). She is a diva, and I feel like we have all created a monster. Since my dad died 4 years ago, no one realized it, but she blew through the majority of her savings on complete nonsense and has only got her house left as an asset...which I will soon have to reverse mortgage to pay for all of this. My siblings visit occasionally, and she is a delight for them, but for ME (the POA, in charge of EVERYTHING) she is demanding and downright mean. Telling the restive the family she wants to get my drink so "I will let her spend her $$ and take everyone to Hawaii" while I clip coupons and stretch every penny to keep her in her home. I'm losing it. I can't stand being there, and I'm there every day. My presence is her trigger to moan, complain, and act like I am keeping her from her millions (oh, how I wish there were millions...LOL...I wouldn't have to stretch every penny like I do!). I honestly dislike her, hate my current predicament, and feel guilty and depressed as I bust myself at the expense of my kids, my jobs, and my marriage.
(7)
Report
New to this group. Ran across some older posts when I googled "I hate my elderly mother" Awful, isn't it? She's 88 and has been a tyrant in our lives forever. Bipolar and narcissistic, foul mouthed, insulting and dominating. Former opera singer, so literally a Diva. It was heartwarming to read about others in my position. I have reached a point of no return just today when I (for the third time in my 58 years) shouted at her today. Nothing insulting, just the word STOP. First I asked her to stop. Then I begged her. Then I said it loudly. Then I screamed it. Stop what? Critisizing me for thing that happened 40 years ago (which she does every time we speak) and insulting everyone dear to me. Awkward situation because I live abroad and am visiting her with my wife, spelling off my sister and niece who bear the brunt of her care. This is probably the last time I'll see her, because when she kicks us out I don't think I will ever return. My poor sister.
(7)
Report
I am so sorry to hear of an elderly loved one acting like that. I can see my father may get to that point, but isn't now. HOWEVER, have you tried just telling her that you have tried your ENTIRE life to please her, and you are now exhausted! While you love her, she makes it extremely difficult to be around her because of her unhappiness with everything in her existence. I have found that with the many elder caregiver jobs I've had through the years, honesty is best. I'm not rude or aggressive when I say these things, but I'm blunt enough to get their attention and make them think. Even if they have Alz/ dementia and I have to repeat the conversation, it gets them thinking. I'm just saying that saying or doing nothing seems to not be working for her. Say something like, " You know Mom, it's a shame I don't have hardly any memories of you being happy. Now your grandchildren don't have those memories either. Is this what you want to be remembered as? Someone who has made everyone aware of how miserable you have been your whole life?? " You can't be the bad guy forever, don't let her keep you all hostage anymore. Good luck to you honey....
(3)
Report
You have described what I'm living with to a tee. Im in the process of putting my mother in long term care, it just takes so long for all the red tape to go through. Put you and your family first. She will not change and you cannot change her but you can decide what you can put up with and what you can't. Don't feel guilty I quarrantee she doesn't and probably never did.
(1)
Report
Treading Water,
Who said we have to like our parents? Every other person we know has EARNED our friendship. You wouldn't pick a rude, nasty, hateful person as a personal friend, so don't feel guilty to not like you mom's personality. You may feel "responsible" for her well being and it sounds like you have made her very comfortable. The buck stops there. She doesn't get your respect because she hasn't been loveable. Don't be consumed by guilt. Visit the minimum or not at all. Tell yourself you would NOT put up with this behavior from anyone else, then why her? Hopefully this will pass as the dementia progresses. It did with my mom. Have the holidays at your house without her, then take her a piece of pie later in the day. You don't need her "approval" anymore.
(5)
Report
My mother is 90 and is extremely nasty she manipulates us by never appreciating how hard we try to care for her, she is abusive then says she is going to write to the newspaper about abuse of the elderly it makes me want to cry - I feel I need to keep away from her but she does need help - this is not recent she has always blamed us for leaving home I am now 61 and left home nearly 45 years ago but still carry the burden and my brother she is a control freak - it breaks my heart
(2)
Report
Oh my gosh are we sisters? My mother is exactly the same as yours and I feel the same way. I want to keep my distance and never try to talk with her about normal everyday things because it always goes back to her and her complaints. My mother is 91 and I believe she was this way from child hood. I found your post looking to see if she could have a type of dementia due to the nastiness other than that her mind is clear and she lives alone.
(0)
Report
I agree with Laura, leave at the beginning of the "nasties" and be sure to tell her (nicely) WHY you are leaving. As the posters on this board told me, when my mom was going through that phase, you don't HAVE to tolerate bad behavior, from your mother or anyone else.
(1)
Report
Get up and leave the very moment the nastiness/insults start. She'll get the picture and you will be taking control of the situation.
(2)
Report
twi of my brothers are out of state. The one in state understands her quality of life is poor and if she was in her right mind she would probably pick C. But for the most part they have left it all to me.
(1)
Report
Cidyb4, if you would want antibiotics given, or other things which may make her feel better, stick with the B. You really should be able to customize. It could be good to make sure brothers are on board - in a more informing and getting input but not asking permission mode - so they don't end up accusing you or feeling like you did not do enough. Do they have any realistic grasp of how bad Mom really is?
(1)
Report
Thank you, my husband thinks I should bring my 3 brothers into this decision. They hardly ever speak or see her. I need to go with my gut.
(2)
Report
I meant You know her and can see the quality of life. I do really need to start proofreading before I hit the Post Comment button. :-)
(1)
Report
No one can advise you on that, because we do not know her or what she wants. She know her and can see the quality of her life. You would know more what she would want. The main point would be is what SHE would want, not what others would want for her. That is the importance of the healthcare proxy -- to carry out the person's wishes in the event that they can't. So ask yourself what your mother would want and follow what this tells you.
(2)
Report
I to am going through resentment of being the caregiver of my mother in a nursing home. She has dementia and is wheel chair bound. She falls a lot and is aggressive with the staff. She is a DNR. Today I was asked I wanted her changed from a code b to a c. This would mean no aggressive a measures if taken to the hospital, only her pain would be addressed. This is a very hard decision to make. Please any advise.
(0)
Report
To start off, I'm going to say this will be a long post. I am almost 50 years old and have been dealing with my mother (my primary parent) my whole life. She has had a crap life, being married 3 times and none of them were loving marriages. I grew up a very sensitive, shy kid. Thank god for my grandparents...rest in peace. My brother was born when I was 5 and I knew immediately that he was the favorite. She has enabled him and babied him his whole life and now he is a piece of crap 45 year old. Alzeimer's runs in my family. My grandma had it and my mom has it. I would say she is in the mild stage. She lives in an assisted living facility, still drives and is still very capable. When I was younger, I knew she wasn't like other moms. She was more of a friend-mom than a mom-mom...except when it came to my brother. Now that I'm an adult, I think she just didn't worry about me because I was a good student and have been self-sufficient since I was 20. My no-good brother has used people for what they can give him his whole life. I know that her enabling of him has created the monster he is today. She is 84 and he is still manipulating him for money. I swear he could murder someone and she would still find some excuse to give for him. As she has gotten older and in the last 5 years (probably at the beginning of the Alzheimer's), she is getting progressively more critical of me, my boyfriend, my life, etc. When I call her, she acts like I'm a bother. She really only calls me when she wants something. She has called me fat my whole life (I'm a plus size gal) and is always saying hurtful things. I feel like the Alzheimer's has made her already critical self even more so, except when it comes to my brother. He's not a good person, manipulates her and everyone else and is not a good father. I can't sit by and let him continue to manipulate her for money and whatever else he's getting from her. It's almost like she is jealous and resentful of me. I really want to ask her why she is so nasty to me, but I don't know if it's worth it at this point. All of these posts are really helpful to me. Unfortunately, it's nice that I'm not alone...unfortunate for us all. Thanks for listening!
(1)
Report
A lot of us had to grow up with rotten parents (me included). When we were children we HAD to live with the crap they dolled out. Hopefully, the experience has made US better parents to OUR kids. Even though we are now older adults, the scars of our childhood remain. Some adult kids get stuck at a certain way of coping and never progress to independence. PLEASE understand this...YOU do NOT have to (nor SHOULD you) continue to take the B.S. that your parent throws your way!!!!! You DO NOT have to have a relationship with them if they are verbally abusing you. You wouldn't put up with physical abuse, then why are you putting up with mental torture? Step back and pretend your best friend is in your situation with your parent. What would you advise him/her? You became an adult at 18 (or 21) and it's time you set some BOUNDARIES with your parent. YES, you can do that! The boundaries are for how YOU will be treated by them. Remember, you are an adult now too, an EQUAL with your parent. You have no right to try to change them but you have every right to say what YOU will or won't put up with. You aren't legally responsible for them, but morally you may feel like have to make sure they are taken care of. That doesn't mean that they HAVE to live with you or that you have to visit them.
We get stressed out FOR A REASON.
Stress is telling us to get out of a situation so we can be less anxious. It's time to let your parent know HOW you want to be treated and what you will not tolerate anymore. You have that right. It's YOUR choice if you let them continue to dominate you. It's time to stop letting guilt run and ruin your life. Just do it once, the next times will be easier. Mom or Dad aren't going to to be any worse for wear if you buck up and become an adult. If they don't like your new attitude, they don't have to see you. Then you'll see what you REALLY mean to them.
Life is hard...and then you die :) The way I interpret that is; It's HARD times now but at death, it's the end of all this garbage with other people taking advantage of the good person you are. You will be free to be you and will be loved by all in Heaven. I'm not ready to go just yet but I'm happy to think that I won't have to put up with THIS situation for all eternity! Just my 2 pesos.
(2)
Report
You are definitely not alone.
(0)
Report
Treading Water,
Now it is 2016 and just now read your letter. I am wondering what how your situation has evolved? I am now experiencing the exact same feelings. My mother also is self-centered and the older she gets, the more intense she becomes. It's very sad and upsetting for me. They say that she will never change and I am the one who has to. The words are easy, the actions are difficult.
(1)
Report
Wow thanks to all you nice people for your kind words. I've been toying with seeking professional help for about a year. I drown myself in my work not to think about it. After reading your comments and questions clearly I have issues. It feels different hearing outsiders point out my bad life choices. Like all the people here I love my mother, although she makes me feel less than. I guess I feel luckier compared to other stories I've read. I don't think I know how to put myself first. I like when others are happy. I like to be happy too but my happiness currently revolves around my work. There are times I wish I was gay because everytime I talk to a woman I just see problems, which of course makes me undesirable to women, which I know I use as an excuse why nobody woman wants to be with me. I'm going to seek help. My mother does take medication, she has her own issues but I don't know what to do. I'm just going to get help. Thank you to all you nice people for taking the time to write such nice things. It made me feel special for change. I wish you all the best and if you have similar problems I hope you all get the help you need.
(5)
Report
I understand how Eddie feels, I too was always my parents matt, especially my mother whom I spent a lot of time with because she had no life of her own! Things are still the same now & I'm tired of it, so I have very little patience & my compassion is fadoing! People like this should be medicated, but my mom refuses everything, even a totally natural melissa tea gives her side effects...
I refuse to be put down all the time;we cannot give our life for someone who takes us for granted...we must move on!
Older people need help, but many of them think they own their kids, that´s been my experience anywaY!
(4)
Report
Nikki - there is no way you should expect yourself to support Mom in her decisions to have an affair, but neither is it your responsibility to stop it. Eddie, this is not about your mom's age , but about her mental illness, which you have lived with for so long it seems normal. It isn't normal for moms to treat sons like this and you probably need counseling help to give you a chance to break the habit of accepting that distorted image of yourself she reflects back to you. And totally stressed - you are just being totally honest. If you have any way to get outside help for her care, absolutely go for it. Dementia does not typically make difficult people easier to live with at least not until real end stage when thy can't say or do as many hurtful things anymore because their abilities have so severely declined.... Sad stories all around...not all of us ever had the kind of relationships with our moms that we would wish to be remembering this weekend on Mother's Day, or we had them and lost them. I wish I could just have a big group hug with everybody here who needed to get those hugs from Mom and can't or didn't! Mine cared in her won way, but she did not believe in hugging or saying I love you... it took me a while to learn to do it myself for the people I care about now.
(2)
Report
I am also going through the similiar issues. I can't stand being around my mother anymore and I find myself losing my temper with her. She too was a domineering person who always felt she was right and made you feel like crap. She was angry and bitter all the time and now she is 91 with dementia among other physical issues and her mind is gone. She is constantly talking about nothing, she wont sleep at night or in the day, she doesn't let me breathe. I am the main care giver and I want my life back. I have two older sisters who are useless and dont understand what pressure I am feeling. I am also in between jobs and looking for work so that adds to my pressure. I understand where you are coming from and I will tell you that you have a right to how you feel. I don't feel guilty anymore and to be honest when the time comes and she has passed I will feel relief because she isn't my mother anymore, she has become someone else due to this disease. Maybe that sounds harsh but its how I feel.
(3)
Report

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter