She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
Stop trying to please your mother, because this is impossible, because your mother is determined not to be pleased - for her, life is a lot more fun when she gets to blame and criticise you, isn't it? But you don't have to play her game. Instead, do what you think is the right thing in terms of looking after her, but cut her out of influencing *your* life. She can't emasculate you if you leave the room, can she. She can't complain about the food you buy for her if you don't buy any - sure, she can complain that you *don't* buy any, but so what? When did that become your responsibility?
You're right, you do need help. And I'm sorry if I sound flippant or harsh, but I'm also guessing that anything I might say is nothing compared to what you take from this lady. So, get help to stop taking it. Believe me, you can feel better and *still* have a mother who is well taken care of. Good luck, come back and say more if you'd like to.
She's currently in the hospital and when I go see her I feel like her pet dog and she likes to show emasculate me. It drives me nuts. I know most of the people here have elderly parents but my mother isn't even that old yet. She's about 10 years away from being 65 and I'm doing everything I can to change her. But when I really think about I think that's why I have a hard time finding the right woman. Because I'm always trying to change her. I've been trying to change her since I was a teen. I'm glad I'm not alone on this. Thanks for sharing your story. I wish I could give advice but I think I'm the one that needs help because I feel less human when I'm around. The thought of visiting her in the hospital makes me feel weak.
Happier and stress free living in the same house as a person with whom you are not on speaking terms. Hm.
I'm finding this post a bit of a strain on my willing suspension of disbelief.
YOU know you don't deserve that guilt...and so do a few hundred of your sisters and brothers on here in the same spot.
Sometimes I wish we could give them a swift kick in the bum and tell them straighten up. I've never tried that, but I have the feeling that it wouldn't work. We might just end up in jail for elder abuse. :)
Dad has been in the beginning stages of forgetfulness and dementia for a couple of years. About a month ago, when Mom manipulated me to calling an ambulance for Dad at 4 in the morning, it hit me! She has played the victim all her life. She has had it pretty good. When she called me that morning she said dad was yelling at her to get out of the house and quite verbally abusive about it. When I got to the hospital, I was informed of the real story. Dad has been going through these bouts where he wakes up thinking he is at work and when he wanted her out, it was because he thought he was expecting people to come in to the factory and why was she there in her housecoat? They have never had a supportive, compassionate, loving relationship and you just grow up getting use to it. But now his biggest problem is that he is seeing different people and calling mom someone else. Mom is and always has been very jealous. When he thinks she is someone else, instead of letting it go, she is asking questions like..." Do you like me better than your wife?" Sometimes I know it would be better if dad was somewhere else but not while he still is remembering most things and her out of the picture. But this I know would kill him. She won't let anyone come into the house for relief, because she does not trust them. As the oldest of three kids I have always had to make an appointment to go over. My dad is vulnerable right now, and she is really playing it up. Even during counselling, the therapist told me she thinks my mother needs an assessment. I have told her to leave dad on several occasions and she won't because of her material possessions. All that matters is that status and what people think. Oh there is so much more!
For anyone on here, get some help for yourself, write things down, keep a journal....it is all therapeutic. I do know that my dad has stuck with her over the years and now she is ready to abandoned ship. If anything happens to him, I will have nothing to do with her. Sad but that is how I am feeling. She is purposely sabatoshing him.
Blessings to all on here!
Example: He may need his diaper changed, but in his mind, he is embarrassed because it should be private and YOU are there and should not be. Makes no sense, but the thoughts of someone with as much dementia as he has do not necessarily make logical sense. The person with his type of dementia thinks very simply and directly, what I want, what I feel, what I wish, that is the way it should be or is! To them problem is not their mind or ability, but the fault of someone or something else, and again it will make no sense, but that blame will be assigned to the first most convenient target, namely the caregiver. I suppose you could let him sit down and ease him to the floor when he "can't" walk, but then he may not be able to get up from the floor. You can try to get PT, social work, geriatric nurse to design a management plan and intervention, maybe with lift equipment, but home care may not be physically possible at this point, and that is not your fault if that's the case..
I know how frustrating all this is; it almost seems as though this was written by my daughter, for I also have a super NEGATIVE mother who ALWAYS complains about everything everyone says and does!
Lately I've been giving my mother a bit of risperdal (without her knowing because she refuses everything) when I'm at her place and it makes a tremendous difference...she's been a flawed personnality ever since I can remember. We all had lunch together this saturday (my elderly parents, my daughter and 2 toddlers, her husband, and my sister) and things went pretty smoothly without all the usual negative remarks...we've come to a point where my mother can't be present with other family members, but a little respirdal saves the day!
Your mother must also be having difficulties trying to meet her mother's needs, I would imagine...
It's very difficult to deal with some elders; they can be stubborn, finicky, picky & extremely negative...all the best to all of you!