My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

I'm inclined to think that these old narcissistic monsters purely and simply view a daughter as competition for a man, any man, be it father, husband, neighbour, acquaintance or boyfriend and, as such, a daughter is to be vilified and squashed under foot at every opportunity.

As the monster ages, looks fade and every attempt is made to run off husbands and boyfriends. My monster's favourite line was "He's only after MY money". Lovely ... I guess no-one in my life would ever want me for myself. I recall being in the supermarket seeing waddling 350lb women with small children and wondering why I wasn't good enough for anyone. As the monster ages, if dementia sets in things go from bad to worse and being around them is pure hell ... out of sight demands, accusations, tantrums, screaming phone calls, gaslighting, weeping, along with every trick in the book to get attention and constantly lying to outsiders so they look like the poor victim and we are the monsters.

My monster passed last fall. There was no funeral or service as she had no friends, having run them all off over time. I wouldn't even have her ashes in the house fearing that her evil would follow them. I collected them from the funeral home, scattered them at her desired spot and said to myself "Good riddance".

I've spent this past winter quietly at home out in the country with my beloved dogs coming to terms with a lifetime's memories of the Monster and her evil ways. Dealing with a monster from a very young age ... mine knocked me about and put me in hospital when I was about 6 and it never got any better ... you are just conditioned to spend a lifetime treading on eggshells and trying desperately to please which, of course, just brings more venom down on your head. Anyone who hasn't been through what we have will never understand.

I've come to the conclusion that my monster was mentally ill life long and my late father jumped through hoops and bent over backwards to fulfill her every wish and whim. If he didn't she wouldn't speak to him for weeks. At one point she got a puppy weiner dog and wanted it to sleep in the bed. My father said no dogs in the bed so she moved into the spare room with the dog. For the last 12 years of his life my father slept alone and went everywhere by himself. In the end he died of a heart attack. To this day I swear she put him in his grave. She treated us like dirt, just there to serve, be used and abused and we were both very afraid of her.

During this quiet time I've had an opportunity to go through her photo albums. Most pictures were of her or contained her, on vacations, eating at swanky restaurants and so on. I destroyed all of those, only keeping those of my father and the family pets. I also found many of my grandparents on both sides which I hadn't seen before and I kept those too. I only know back as far as my grandparents and plan to go on Ancestry.com to see if I can look further back.

I am so grateful the monster is gone for good. After spending this winter quiet time I've come to terms with things. It's like PTSD ... it will never go away but, once you are free, you will come to terms with it to whatever degree you can.

Spring is just around the corner and I'm looking forward to gardening and keeping chickens for the first time, canning the harvest and enjoying the simple life.

Although I'm now free, I do pop in here and post in the hopes that my experiences will help someone else. You are never alone. Dog Bless you all.

Yup. It is hard and embarassing. I come from a decent home financially and I am a retired teacher. This is stuff that you might associate with real losers from the bad side of town (no offense) but this kind of behaviour from mothers passes thru all economic groupings. There could be a lack of education factor that makes people be so narcissistic but don't think so. My father is a doll and a very giving person and he has a grade 6 education. Just some sickness of the mind and when you are in an educated yuppie uppity work environment and everyone is discussing their perfect families you just feel so badly inside. You blame yourself but you can't. You did not get to chose your unkind mother. I just "subbed her out" in life and a nice lady became my "mom" or "Maw" as I'd call her and I just moved on and left the picture until recently. My mother even kept my father from me, my husband and my kids as punishment for me. I got pulled in when she was desperate and had to pay people who would help her and tried it for a few weeks but then it was all about just finding a new vein of "free help and food (nice home made stuff that she could not buy) but otherwise there was no genuine caring about me.

I identify with so many of the comments here and it helps tremendously to know this isn't an isolated phenomenon. However, what I've found so difficult is no one I encounter, friends, co-workers, associates seem to understand how hard this is and can be. I feel the need to sugar coat my experiences with my mother otherwise I'm the horrible person and it's always felt your parent should be catered to and cherished but that's because they have no idea and just simply can't relate if they haven't or aren't going through this. Thanks for all of the comments, again, it helps to know I'm not the only one out here going through nightmare!

I've said this before and studied it. This is your last chance (in your brain not real logic but from your inner child) to "please the parent" that never understood you nor praised you and for the mean parent, it is their last chance to make your life miserable either based on being jealous of what you achieved in life that they (she) did not or just the shear enjoyment of laughing at you as you clean the floor around their feet feeling like the royalty that they narcisistically always felt that they were entitled to being because it is still "their turn" on the throne as the "alpha female". Some sick stuff there boy.

We have hearing date for a Mandatory Settlement Conference. Thankfully a Monday morning so we can head off on the 200 mile drive the day before and stay near the court. They want us to pick up my MIL and take her to the hearing and home. We think they're insane and seriously don't get that she doesn't want us around her. We can't even comprehend trying to get her into the car with us, let alone drive 60-90 minutes in a car to the court and then back again. I think her trusty court appointed attorney should have to pick her up. Meanwhile her sister is trying to salve her guilt and have us feel sorry for my MIL because "she never was accepted by her mother". I told her "sorry, she's 75, therapy was offered and she refused years ago - we're way beyond feeling sympathy now". She got it and then said she wanted to go to the MSC-and that's not happening either. I don't want my MIL "calmed" for the hearing - I want her to appear in all her accusatory glory so the court sees what we see especially when we show she's not refilling any medications, she's driving on a suspended license, she's not paying bills or paying taxes and insurance with bad checks because she forgot she closed down her bank accounts. It feels like we're fighting all these fires with a hole-filled watering can. If she doesn't either settle and agree to move to an assisted living facility close to us or if they deny the claim, my hubby is done with all of it and we are moving out of state. This is the closest we have come to divorcing because of the stress level. We'll let the rest of the family go after her. And if she kills someone with her car, we will gladly publish the name of her attorney who refused to help get her out of the driver's seat. The entire system is broken - everyone says "yup, she can't live on her own" until you get her court appointed attorney in the system who just runs up her bills to 'defend' her. From herself?

OK. Thx for the help. It's all gonna be over like I said in 3-6 months. I am grateful for the time that I had in hospital with my father when out of my mother's spousal abusive home. OMG -I have so many postings here if the history is of any interest. I had already resigned myself that the guy was going to die and he wants to be with my (yes biological). I left home at 16years (now 52 years) and its been an on again off again with mostly off relationship with her. She has this weird jealousy that is really sick with the relationship that my dad and I have (never fight over a cracker kind of think and both made from the same cloth as they say). She has this mean narcissistic personality that I only have seen in my last brother to die (suicide -well she partly drove him to it). Eventually these kind of people's own personality kills them and they self-implode with evil is my theory but my 2 pack a day 100 lb mother keeps going and going. She has a walker and a bad heart but still the "fight" is in their. Geez there is nothing to fight about. She just doesn't want to have my dad have the care via me that she will never get from me. Heck, i clipped the guys excrement one inch fingernails that she let him lie there rotting on the couch in a separate room, not speaking to him because she finds him uninteresting and not much of a conversationalist. Well if she would shut up and hear someone else speak as in let the guy get a word in edgewise over 63 years, she would find out that he has lots to say. She is depriving him of me, my family (husband and two kids), didn't allow him to talk to relatives, no friends, ripped the pages out of the phone book for the relatives back home (Timmins, Ontario -now in London) and he can't hear on the phone. I got him a hearing aid phone from the Canadian Society for the Deaf while in hospital. I got him a pocket talker so he could hear us. I arranged to have his one cataracted eye fixed (now there is a 2nd appt) and I can't take him for an ultra sound as the cataract was too dense. OMG. I feel so helpless and he's deemed incapable now but I think he would have wanted to be with her as he has been. She made him chose between us. She is just toxic and I can not not not be around her. Is this gross-weird? I was so resigned to him dying that I started looking for sympathy cards for myself at the Shopper's Drug Mart just so I could read them, imagine him dead already and move on. I even have his play list going for the funeral that she will not even tell me about when he dies. I guess I will wait until they are all dead (both brothers are already, then him, then her -no funerals -that's how they roll) and then I will have a memorial. Anyone wanna come. I'll be alone there with my family :(


Sorry the following links are not allowed because of certain characters in the link but here's the family memorial playlist so far. You'll have to go to Youtube to listen.

Fist two tunes for my Dad below:

youtube -Wind Beneath My Wings -Bette Middler original video

youtube -Neil Young Old Man HD HQ original video

youtube -Elton John "Look Ma No Hands" -ultimate song for the mother who never paid you any attention and only caused you grief

For my dead brothers -youTUBE -Elton John "Daniel My Brother" hq hd w lyrics. The first Bro died of congenital heart disease. He was one of the youngest children in the early 60's to get open heart surgery in Canada which gave him 10 more years than the typical kid who was dying of this at 16-17 years. He played the piano and loved Elton John as did I. WE both fought like brothers and sisters (moaybe more) but the fighting stopped when he would play the piano and I would sing. (I'm SILLYHEART21 on youtube). My mother had the intelligence to take a chance to get him this surgery done when it was so experimental but then tormented him in later life (died at 27 years) with things like calling his fiancee and announcing that the wedding was "off" when he displeased her (he was no angel) but that was cruel. His heart and nerves just couldn't take her and he died.

I had to leave. I did not want to die. I have to stay away from her. I don't want to die. I have two kids and a husband. I can not die.

Maybe ask the hospital social worker for the HOSPITAL to file for emergency guardianship.

You call APS and the local police. And yes, chase the ambulance. I feel for you. Hang in there. You now have documentation of her medical neglect.

OK I truly heard your words members and dad was allowed to go home to die with the promise of CCAC Comunity care. As I predicted my mother cut off his care and now he is in the house with no help and she cannot look after him. What do I do? The CCAC is on it but do I ride this rodeo again w the police removal and chase the ambulance? I am tired. Give me advice people.

Donna, i think you are working under a false assumption. Has your mom been to a geriatric psychiatrist to see what meds might help her? Have you talked to a knowledgeable doctor about the possibilty of a short term stay at a senior behavioral clinic to get her depression and agitation under control?

In terms of setting boundaries, you might look up a very long thread on here. It's called " is it normal she's so negative?" It's a long tale of two women who have learned to manage their reactions to the negative behaviors that their mothers display. And welcome!

I have been caring for my parents every day for 3-1/2 years now. My dad passed away 3 months ago. He was exhausting but tried to be loving....but my mom is a horror. So mean and abusive. Nothing I do is ever right. It is a no-win situation with her. All she does is complain about everything. She has totally destroyed my self confidence and has dragged me into her depressive existence. I don't know how to survive her. She won't let me hire anyone to help her and carries on terribly when I suggest it. She is in an independent living facility but I take care of her laundry, shopping, medicine, doctors appointments, bills, etc. but it is a thankless task as nothing is ever any good. My own family doesn't want to have anything to do with her anymore and that makes me only feel bad for her. She constantly tells me that my husband is going to leave me because I look terrible, that I am going to jail for neglecting her and all kinds of horrible things. Yet, I cannot abandon her. Because, I know if I do, she will wind up drugged and diapered in some psychiatric facility and I couldn't bear that for her. I don't know if I can survive her.

Sillyheart, that's how I take mine too!! I buy a big bottle of PB pretty much every month. I just have dysbiosis and GERD, not hair falling out, but the stress of things being settled and on an even keel and then having someone needing to upset the apple cart like that would get to me too. Don't let mom's wishful thinking make you try to do something you can't do. Any job is easy if someone else does it. (And why doesn't SHE visit him where he is from time to time??)

My dad is the exact same way , i have always invited him over because of guilt but was so intolerable i started to lie about out plans. He is in an assisted living stroke and dementia and so mean to aids ect . i also feel depression when he is around already on trazodone . i understand !

Where will he be going from the hospital, SH? What's the discharge plan?

My evil yet yes, biological mother is fighting me at the hospital to bring my father back home. He needs full time nursing care and she will not give him that - I am medical decision maker but she has convinced Dad that he is fine to go home (advanced silicosis, bowel movements in pants during the night, barely eats and has a max six month life expectancy). I cannot look after him alone and go "hose him off and change his diapers (no that this would bother me) in the middle of the night and drive to their home, do all that, get home and have enough sleep so I can get my son to school (He is only in Grade 5 and 11 years old). She phones me yesterday and says that I am selfish and I don't want to help my dad (I do all of his laundry and go to the hospital pretty much daily, shave him, wash him up, cut his fingernails and toenails -everything like a personal PSW and spoon feed him pudding on the bad days, bring him "home cooked food -his faves so he will eat as in talking bits of bacon from my fingertips and feeding it to him like a bird". Now Dad looks good so she thinks he is fine but he is only looking fine because of all I do and what the nurses and PSW's do at the hospital!!! I am losing my hair literally because of all the stress and I use Bepto Bismal as a pre-drink and chaser to my ulcer drugs!!! ...and she gave all of us that are still alive PSST! The nerve -DO I WANT TO DO SOMETHING FOR MY FATHER???!!" ...AUGHHHHHHH!!!!!~~~~~~~~~Help me so I do not lose what is left of my marbles someone!!! I have had it!!!!

Hi all. These posts hit home so well. I have a nasty mother as well and the one thing that hit me while reading these posts is this: I have decided to do for myself the caretaking that I do for my mother. As of yesterday I have had treatment for hyperthyroidism due to the stress of her and work, etc. So I have decided to focus on myself and I just wanted to pass along mother is not worth it

youtube.watch?v=wo3nB7UpPOw

You will survive and outlive this mean person as their punishment for making your life hell. My younger brother who learned to be mean told me as his last words to "have a nice life"....so I did not join in with the drama and I DID HAVE A NICE LIFE! he died five years later ...miserable. Get rid of toxic people in your life by removing the "audience" that you provide and enable them to capture! You have already proved that you are already that "good girl" or "good boy" that you still think you need to be to them. They will never admit it or give you that pat on the back. It simply is unlikely to come. They might?! ..and some old crows back down as they see the light coming for them but as I have said in previous posts some old mean birds just want to "go down with the ship" and with you "swabbing the deck" as they smile into the face of death going fiercely into that cold dark and really they must be pooping their pants at this point because they are definitely not getting through the Pearly Gates with ST. Peter if you know what I mean. No it's the work yard down with "the guy in the red suit" under and I am NOT talking about Santa in Australia! So faced with that "existance" on "the other side" so close at hand, what do you think is running through their minds? It has to still be a so called "fight or flight response" right? They either go with it with you doting over them and embrace the care and give up some control (which is difficult for them) or they get their little granny fists up and put on "their big old girl Depends underwear" and fight until the last breath. When my mother and father were forcibly removed from their beautiful home gone into ruins with feeces, urine, insects, rotting food in the fridge and other attrocities that I had begged to clean up, there was my mother telling the police officer and the psychiatrist who removed her after my dad, that she needed a cigarette first. She smoked that "but" and put it out after about three drags. Then they started injecting her and she was hitting the paramedic over the head with her flashlight (she liked sitting in the dark -yes creepy) and by now I am on the scene as her last ditch attempt to stay in the house (would never have called me otherwise , even if my dad died) and as the doctor is injecting her to calm her down she says and I quote "I never thought this could happen". What? that you could leave my dad to rot and not feed him??!! Bless the CCAC for coming in on this one!

It's all of us together. It takes a village to save a person. No one here is alone and it is very, very important that you all know this and tell your brothers, sisters, relatives, spouses and friends that this is ground unwalked and if I personally need to be the one that walks and sits at the front of the geriatric bus for the rights of those who care for the elderly then hell, hailstones, brimstone and fire, I will fight! I was born on Joan of Ark's b-day so I was probably meant to go down like her. lol. Our system for looking after the aged is bent, broken and absolutely ridiculous for we caregivers and we are the only ones around who can speak for our beloved elderly and tell the truth about the old, mean and wicked. Keep the comments and questions coming and we have power in numbers and more answers as we put our info on here and keep the discussion going. I look forward to reading this post each day and for anyone to dare to put their heart on their sleeves along with me ...this silly heart of mine, that is. YOUtube: SILLYHEART21 "Make A Brand New Day" (if u dig my words then I hope you'll like them more set to my music)

I have sat reading through these comments for a couple of hours now. I've copied some to show to my brothers.
Two of us have finally blocked our Mom's number today.
I've been in therapy for many years but just finding this thread is like 10 years of therapy in one go!
We are NOT ALONE!

Today's been hard. I'm crying pretty much constantly. But I'm finally taking my power back.

Thank you to all of you!

You said it Sis'ta! ..Amen and case closed there! Hit the "Reset Button", rip off the rear view mirror and keep going forward with your own lives. You are as patient as my husband is w my mother and I'm not sure I could be that good of a person as he is. I'm good but not that good. I think I might have left me over this. I am so frustrated and have been embarrassed of this woman all of my life. I still have "embers" of her in my heart where I would never bring anyone to the house because she could "ignite" and just burst into flames on my father or me or anyone over anything. I still have a hard time (note she is not here but I have diagnosed PTSS) bringing anyone into the house. I am OK with my son having kids over (I love being the "Koolaid Mom very much) but there is such deep scar tissue there inside me from my childhood. She once told the boy I loved and would have married (had he asked) that (-OMG I'll just put my whole life on the internet here) that I couldn't come to the phone because I had gone somewhere and said other stuff to him and he just got scared off. I met my husband that same year and it all worked out. My mother had done this with my older brother like when he made her angry over something trivial (and he was handicapped with a bad heart since childhood) so she called his financee -He actually got engaged and everything without good life prospects and she told his fiancee that "the wedding was off". He died within a year or so because the girl broke of the engagement and I do not fault her for that. Who wants to marry into a bunch of wackos??!! That might have happened (him dying) anyway but that sure did not help. :(

I to was searching for similar topics. My MIL has alzheimers and has dominated our entire year as we have been forced to go to court for conservatorship. She has been nasty, paranoid and bizarre all her life; I've been around her for 40 years and it is so much worse than we ever thought possible. My husband, her eldest, is the only one stepping up - and he doesn't like her. That said, he will get her into a home eventually. I found out today her license is suspended - in October 2015. Her court-appointed attorney couldn't find it - I got the info with one phone call.

We advised our attorneys to proceed full throttle to full conservatorship as we finally have something tangible to show the court that she is acting without any regard for anyone except her. Her stepdaughters have been advised to go after her with us for negligently handing the family trust as she is closing bank accounts because of paranoia that "nosey people are after her".

We keep getting told "well, it's the disease" - if they haven't met her.
From the ones that know her, we get kudos for hanging in.
We literally want her behind a locked door before she kills someone.
She will be taken care of - but we all won't be beating down a door to visit either.
A miserable life indeed - but those were her choices.
She's lucky to have a son that believes in doing the right thing.

Right on for Sea Dog and Caregiver 75104! If some older parents still want "drama" then a soap opera show is a better choice than disrupting and upsetting our lives. If I fall apart then so do my kids (this is for my mother) as for my father who is in the hospital, there is no problem if I have to be taking his clothes home and laundering them (sometimes out there with the garden hose first if you know what I mean). I think of all the poopy diapers that he did for me so if "icky" laundry is all he needs, a shave (kind of a steep learning curve on using an electric shaver there) then I am pleased to do that. Hey fyi that many hospitals have those pre - warmed up shampoo caps. I swear that when I put one of those on my dad (again bedridden in hospital) and massage his head and then leave it on for five minutes that the circulation in his head increases and then he is more "sparkly" (awake and alert). I'd like it if someone else out there could try this and let me know if they found the same thing with their elderly parent. It's sort of a harmless experiment that I am curious about. Another helpful hint for those new to this is that if you are looking after a parent who appreciates it and you have to do their finger or toe nails, I just get a soak tub (looks like a plastic shoe box) and fill it w body wash and have him (dad) soak his feet for about 5-10 minutes (he thinks this is pretty funny as he was never the pampered type) and I can cut through those toenails. Hospitals do NOT do nails or toe nails generally. I do the same for the finger nails (plastic bin warm water w bodywash) or if I am in a hurry, then you can use two (mouth spit trays -have no idea what the proper name for them is) and put them on the food try with one hand in each -with body wash). This feels like a "day at the spa" for Dad who is forever thankful and says "Yeah that's my daughter and she's looking after me all the time". Therefore, your loved one can be in hospital for lengthy periods of time or in a nursing home and you can still really participate in their care but the advantage is knowing that they are safe at night.

For those of you who have had mean abusive parents/loved ones, dont feel guilty if you have to put them in a home. If you cant visit or care for them, then dont. You are free now to live your life and that is fine. Spend your energy to those who have appreciated you and loved you. What goes around comes around.

I had the same Mother, and I walked away, and I have never looked back... It was the most freeing experience of my life... Be strong, move forward, love your kids and just let go of her forever...

Absolutely. That's the plan-man. I agree that most people are good but man that 1% or how ever small the percentage is of self serving ego maniacs that will throw even their own kin under the bus simply baffles me. Don't worry about me. I'm not a big blood relative kind of person. I was blessed a lovely lady (now passed of breast cancer) that filled my mother's role. She was kind beyond kind so I learned kindness and generosity from her. My mother in law is also very kind but no one gets over that their bio-mom doesn't want or care for them. It would just destroy your inner pysche to believe that so I tell myself that like her many siblings there is mental illness there but it still hurts. I will wear a red dress and stomp on her gravestone (maybe metaphorically but I actually might do it as part of my inner child therapy) though and spit and be glad that she can never never ever hurt me again -kind of like when Jenny threw the rocks at her house in "Forrest Gump". Yes sometimes there are "just not enough rocks to throw to ever heal you" and maybe the damage is done but it will stop here and with me and die within me. My children will never experience this and they have not. I just say Grandma got sick and her brain doesn't work right and now she is mean. They have no true attachment to her so just shrug their shoulders to me and think "OK" -this is how it is. My mother's cruelty will not even be a thought to the next generation and that is what she deserves "take away the audience" *you and your impressionable children) for these nutty old people so they have no one to rant on. They are toxic. Be strong and count on others for your support. Give those mothers from h*ll what they deserve : NO MORE SPACE OR TIME IN YOUR HEAD! If you have to hug yourself then do that or buy a dog that will love you unconditionally which is more than your mother probably ever did.

Sillyheart, an injustice I see done by pop-psych is that it can continue to blame the victim of abuse/neglect, instead of praising. Compassion is an accomplishment that is missing in many victims of abuse/neglect. It is something learned through feeling empathy, instead of feeling nothing at all... or worse, interest only in self.

I see only good things in most of the people here. The only thing we have to make sure of is that people don't abuse the good nature. And if they try, it is their problem and not ours. I hope that you are able to work around your mother to get things done so everyone doesn't miss out on the enjoyment of your father.

Im able to see my father with the grandkids now so that is OK and I am seekingother routes to protect my father. I guess I just want to whine and can't accept that a human being can be so cold especially when they gave birth to me. Some animals eat their young, I guess the human world isn't so different in some cases. I suppose that considering myself to be a giving and kind person that I cannot fathom nor accept that that lack of caring even at the most basic level of at least being cordial is missing in a human being even after getting a psych and sociology degree and teaching inner city high school students for 25 years.

SillyHeart - here's the thing. If you can get with a hospital SW or an outside eldercare attorney to find any legitimate way for Mom to be no longer in charge of Dad then you can start to try to make things right, even against her wishes. Failing that, you could at least try to set up a family meeting where discharge plans are discussed realistically. Failing that you might be able to do an end-around and get the grand kids in for a visit. But, there could be a brick wall you can't get around and then, rather than beat your head on it so hard you injure yourself, you have to say to yourself that you did what you could and Dad is unfortunately suffering the consequences of his choice of spouse and POA and all. You do what you can. It is sad when you can see how much more you/they could have had in life "if only" and you are stuck grieving for that but dealing with what is.

Anyway... I think each caregiver from a dysfunctional family has his/her own reason. I think Cinderella would fit my situation the best.

But what about us children who don't really care if we get any praise? I am sure I am not looking for anything meaningful from my mother, though I've appreciated some of the understanding that has come my way in caregiving. If I had been a rat as a kid, I would have quickly learned that pressing the bar never had any result, so wouldn't bother pressing. Maybe there are different models for why someone becomes the adult caregiver.

I just thought of a good "model" for many caregivers. Maybe the abused/neglected child learned that they were not really so important, so ended up being more likely to give of themselves. Yes, I like that reason. We really don't want to think that someone becomes a caregiver because they are still flawed and faulty. Maybe it is just the opposite for some people.