My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

I too understand where you are coming from. I had to take my mom out of the retirement home she was living in because they raised the rent to where I
Cannot pay it and pay her medical, pharmacy and doctor bills. Not to mention all her living expenses. Having her living with me is the worse mistake I have ever made.Nothing pleases her everything I do is negative. She sits and sleeps most of the day and watches horrible races news!! She dwells on anything that is bad and seems to enjoy it. I stay away from her as much as possible! It is like dealing with a nine year old!!!

And here's me thinking I was alone! But to be honest knowing that other people are going through the same thing doesn't change the situation. My mum and dad are vote hateful people. I understand that my brothers death 32 years ago had an effect on them but my mum manages to bring it up nearly every given opportunity. She uses he still on going grief as an excuse to be miserable and negative about everything

Deltaborn. I just read your post after posting my own problems with my parents. I feel just the same, I cry a lot these days and have to take a deep breath before answering the phone to either mum or dad, I feel I have to be up beat and cheer them up or listen to there problems and aches and pains. There always negative, it's draining my sole. I feel that I wish I could walk away but like you, what the h*ll can I do, I can't walk away, just stick it out but it's ruining my life, in fact I don't have a life anymore, I'm so down and exhausted with it all I don't see friends anymore or go out, I keep trying to give up smoking but I'm so stressed out I can't. Help

my dad is unwell with heart problems. He's always been a self centred individual and difficult to deal with. My mum see the black side of everything, doesn't like anyone or have any friends, doesn't socialise and never has. My mum is 72 and dad 79. I have my dad in the phone crying saying he can't live with mum anymore because she's short tempered and has a sharp tongue. The I have my mum on the phone saying dads a miserable b......st and making her life a misery. I work and still have family and husband to take care of, I'm ring mum and dad e wry day and txing every morning and evening and calling up as much as can after work. Between them there making me very miserable and quite depressed which is having an effect on my family. I really don't know what to do. There is so much more detail to this story it would be hard to know where to start to explain everything. My mum and dad don't speak to any family and I am there only daughter. I had a brother who died in a road accident 32 years ago and another brother who walked away from them 3 years ago never to be seen again, he had, had enough of them. I have no contact with him and don't even know where he lives or works. I feel I just want to walk away and get on with my life and be happy again but how can I. I'm very sad in my heart

Treading Water: I love that you posted this! Don't get me wrong I hate that you have to deal with your mother, but you cannot know how much better I felt just knowing that I am not the only one. If I hear "I'm 82 year old" ONE more time as an excuse for her hateful, mean behavior....I will...I dunno what. My mother, like yours, has always been hateful, spiteful and mean spirited but since she turned 70 (12 years) she has been unmanageable. I sought therapy for it once but the only advice he could give me was to "get away from her". I am her only living child...how am I supposed to get away from her. She doesn't live in a nursing home so it's not as if I can just let them take care of her and go about my life. She needs someone to take her to her doctor's appointments, do her shopping, run her errands. There is no one but me....so I do it....I wake up every morning to the phone ringing...it's her. She wants to use me as her venthood every day of my life. I listen for an hour every day about her various aches/pains, her bowel movements (or not), every bad memory she has, I hear about how much she has helped (financially) me, my deceased brother and my deceased sister. It goes on for an hour before I get her off the phone. Never once does she ask about me or my life. If I don't pick the phone up, she calls back to back 4 times. The 5th time she calls the police and sends them over to "check on" me. I feel like a trained dog most days and like an unpaid servant others. I feel so guilty but I want her out of my life. Maybe I should have done it decades ago because now I feel like karma will bite me HARD for waiting until she's 82 to shove her out of my life. But I can't take it anymore. I can't sleep or eat most days and everytime the phone rings I say a little prayer that it's not her.....what do I do? What do we do?

I feel your pain Treadingwater. I too have a mother that treated myself and my two younger sisters like dirt as we were growing up. Her idea of "dicipline" was to beat us with wooden yardsticks until they broke and also left welts on our legs numerous times with the wire end of a fly swatter. Apparently a swat on the behind was not painful enough in her eyes. I am now 60 yrs old, my younger sister is 56. Mom is in a nursing home as of Dec 2014. Her mind is ok, she is not good physically due to 2 MILD strokes....talking to her you would think she had the worst strokes ever than anyone else. She is narcisstic (not sure on the spelling).
My sister and I have had enough, I went to the nursing home today and told her that myself and my sister (who lives 800 miles away in another state) will no longer take her abuse, we are done. We will not be seeing her anymore from this day forward. I felt SOOO MUCH BETTER to get that load off of my shoulders and now feel like I can continue my life with my husband and adult children without "mom" hanging over my head and worrying about what she is going to do or say next to hurt me further. My real father died in 2000, mom remarried in 2004 to man we knew. He was ok at first, but he is also causing problems within our family so we have disowned him as well, due to some of the stunts he has pulled since mom went into the nursing home. Distance yourself from the pain and hurt coming from your mother...you will feel much better about yourself.

Just reading everyone's comments has inspired me to write down what I'm going through . My mum is in her seventies and to cut along story short has resented having a daughter from the moment I was born. I grew up with her saying I only wanted boys. Left home as a teenager and moved 300 miles away. However for the past 30 years I have desperately missed my dad and my children have only had moments of time with their extended family. Due to my dad becoming very sick I decided to relocate my family back near to my parents. This has resulted in my mum turning on me in the most vile and spiteful way to the point that she has banned my dad from seeing my children when we move, however I
He is still allowed to speak to them on the phone. I cannot talk to her as she becomes so verbally abusive. It seems the older she has become her bitterness has grown. She is breaking my heart now and feeling like I should stay away. Do I let her once again get her own way or move and hope she will accept that I want to be close to my dad. Thank you for any suggestions

I feel exactly as you do. I finally put my mother in assisted living. I had to. she was killing me. I developed a heart problem, I feel, that was a direct result of taking care of her and dealing with her.
She is ungrateful, she is disagreeable, she is selfish, self-centered and uncompassionate. She has no friends and no interests. She has pretty much been a child most of her life.
Do not feel Guilt, she is being taken care of. The full circle has come around, so now she is where she should be and it is Karma. I had to go over this with myself. People who are unable to show warmth, respect, gratitude, love, compassion, etc toward others do not deserve those feelings back. WHY should they get anything back, because they exist??? And how does it benefit you to give someone love when they kick you in the face each time you do? When people out there continue to say, "oh she is old, she has dementia, she still deserves care, etc.... they are asking you to accept abuse. People who abuse continue to abuse if they are allowed to do it. It will not end. WE tell children not to accept abuse from anyone. Why do we now tell caregivers to accept abuse from their elder parents??
My husband and I stopped it after a year and half. My mother got to the point that she was saving up her poop and deliberately going in her pants ever 3 days, so that she could watch me clean her up and laugh at me while I was doing it. She started collecting knifes from drawers and hiding them and sneaking up on us while sleeping holding the knife. She began fishing garbage out of the garbage can and putting it back in the refrigerator. We experienced so many bizarre behaviors that were both dementia related and mean-spirited that we put an end to it, by sending her to a geriatric center and then on to assisted living. Time to end the madness when it is dangerous to your family even if it is mostly mental. It still does great harm.

You are not alone. I think your plan is good.

My mom has been married 5 times . She's 92 now and in asst living and loves it. She treated my precious daddy like a throwback. Thank God he found peace with an angel at work for 22 years of marital bliss. Mom is very lucid and still as narcissisitic as she was at 26. Today she said "your hair is stringy and u don't "wear make up like u used to". I am 56 and I do not have the hormones for healthy, shiny hair now, nor do I give a care. I busted her chops tonight about her self-absorbed narcissistic behavior. We must not let these mean old assholes off the hook.

Bev, I would imagine that your mom and her illness has robbed you of a lot in life. It's time to move on and have your own life without her manipulation and meanness. Sad to say, but you can't rescue her or him. They are adults and not that old. Let them figure things our for themselves while you figure things out for yourself.

Bev, your mother is not that old, but has drunk herself and two other people in her life to misery. You may not believe it right away, but you deserve better for yourself. You probably have already dedicated too much of your life and your emotions to someone who refuses, or is unable to, help herself. Until she is read to receive help through rehab, there's nothing anyone can really do to help her.

There are some really good things on setting boundaries in this type situation. The main thing is to recognize that you are worth it, and that what you need to do matters. It can be so easy to look at the other person and what they need to do, but in situations like this one it is better to look at ourselves. We deserve to be healthy and happy and not pulled down into the pit with someone who needs to help herself -- something she may or may not be able to do. You may find you love her more if you're not being pulled down by her.

Thank you so much for your comments. I have thought about just telling her that I can't do this anymore and that this roller coaster is too much for me. She says and does all the real nasty stuff at night when drinking, then the following morning she is wondering why I don't want to see or talk to her. She forgets all the meaness she has said and done and yet I am still angry because I never forget what was said and done! Deep down what I want to do is stay away for good. I could easily never see her or talk to her again and I would be at peace. But I give in because my stepdad needs my help doing her meds or making appts for her. He is the type of man that always hopes she will change overnight and everything will be ok. BUT that will never happen and I can't get him to see it. I am tired of taking care of this woman and the ugliness that flows out of her mouth. I have done this all my life. I am the caretaker. My brother was the same way. Until a couple of years ago. I have been munipulated by her all my life and I always gave into her. I hate myself for being so weak and not sticking up for myself, until recently. Now I say hateful things back that have been pinned up inside of me for all these years. I am scared to let lose because of everything I want to say! I've looked into moving away. At least then I would not be near to where I was expected to stop by and always help. Any advice?

bev, there is really nothing you or your father can do except what you do for yourself. Your mother is married to the bottle. As long as she is, it will be her main relationship. If she is willing to go into rehab, you could try that. That is not normally the case, though. Alcoholics do not want to give up the thing that they believe keeps them going.

I am so glad that things are different for you. I don't know if she drank a lot when you were young, but I know it wasn't easy for you if she did. You may have had a lifetime of taking care of a drinking mother. As adults, we can be torn. It is hard to watch someone we care about hit bottom, but many times if we prop them up, they just continue the self destruction. I wish I had some solution, but I watched my brother go down the same path to his death. There was nothing anyone could do, because Jack Daniels is the only relationship he really cared enough about. He caused a lot of hardship along the way. The only thing we can do is step back and not get caught in it.

bevq1959,

It sounds like your mother emotionally groomed you to respond as you have. You need some boundaries for your own protection. It possibly would be helpful to see a therapist to help you detach and shake the grip of guilt in your life. You have not done anything wrong to feel guilty about, How was your life up to this point?

If she's been how she is now, then it sounds like your mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder like narcissism or borderline. She can't be reasoned with and as you see, trying to only makes things worse. Next time she throws the fear angle at you about taking you out of her will, just tell her to go ahead and do that for you can live without it. My MIL loves to use that line to keep her other daughter in line.

Love, prayers and cyber hugs

I am 56 and my mother is 74. Self-centered,hateful,nasty,evil,alcoholic. Why do I constantly try to make everything ok and knowing she will verbally abuse me everytime. My stepdad gives into her and always says its easier to do for her and let her drink than to listen to her throw fits. I try to stay away but I know he needs help doing things. I hate to say it because it sounds so awful, but I hate this woman. She will say things while drinking and be absolutely hateful and I will cry and feel terrible for days but she doesn't remember anything the next morning because of being drunk the night before. She falls alot and my stepdad can not lift her because even though she is small , she is dead weight when she falls. So he calls me to help him get her up and into bed. The next day she doesn't remember anything and thinks we are making it up. If he goes out of town I have to stay with her because she can't be left alone in case she falls. She uses a walker because of physical ailments. She expects him to wait on her hand and foot even if he is feeling bad. I argue with her and it gets pretty heated and her favorite phrases to say to me are "you are dead to me" or "i want to try and forget that you are my daughter" or "im taking you out of my will".
Please tell me what to do!!! I am slowly sinking into depression and I can't shake the guilt of all that is happening.

Vstefans thank you. Your post was very helpful and thought provoking. I am battling the anger I am feeling because of her behavior and she has added more insult to injury by going to a hotel after her chemotherapy treatment after berating my sister there and back. She never came into my home to get any of her things and left her husband there. Now she has directed him to go back home 3 hours and she is staying at my brothers. It hurts that I have turned my life upside down and inside out only to get a big slap in the face as if everything I have given means nothing and me and my family can be discarded like we are nothing. I know it is her issues and not mine but that doesn't help with this hurt. I am glad she is somewhere else right now because I am angry and hurt and don't want to see or talk to her right now. I think less is more, you are right and I will have to commit myself to that in order to protect my family and my heart. Thank you for your words and kindness.

Loving, I wish it was easier to distance emotionally while still being involved in caring. Or even to uncover what makes a person this way, besides just chronic, lifelong severe and untreated depression. There is a quote from Kathie Ritchie in her blog called "My demented mom":

And who wants their headstone to read: Here lies YOU. You wasted your life being angry, being sad, being resentful, being vindictive, being ridiculous, and now you are dead. The end.

It is a sad thing, which unfortunately does describe the lives of some fellow human beings in this world. The blind spot a mile wide. The hate, fear, and resentment that makes someone a prisoner, unable to give and receive love. You did not cause it, and if by some miracle you find the key to fixing it, it truly is a miracle. Most of the time, nothing ever changes because the walls just keep going up higher, defending whatever sense of self they may have. OK, she just got diagnosed with cancer and that alone can make someone unbelievably stressed and desperate, but your post indicates this is more lifelong and at most it only added fuel to a smoldering fire. Protect your children from it, protect your heart from it - it may mean limiting exposure to her, keeping your own contacts as short and sweet as possible. Do what you can. You do not deserve the guilt and shame, and your mother should not have treated you as if you did...somehow you and your siblings have grown up and have compassion, empathy and normal human feelings despite that. Sure if there is a chance that psychological or psychiatric treatment would help, use any leverage you can think of to make it happen for her, such as someone she trusts or confides in...but if she refuses, as she likely will, because most people like this cannot allow themselves to entertain the idea that they could own any part of any problem in their own lives or relationships, there may not be anything else you can do to really effect a big change in attitude. If there is some little thing you can do that might let her feel better and cared for, go for it, but don't count on anything. It is painful to give up the dream that a parent could start acting like one and give love and support, or be grateful instead of critical and bitter, but sometimes that is exactly what you have to do to reduce the intense, chronic grief and longing to a manageable level of sadness that you can live with.

I'm sitting at work a mess and thought...let me google how to deal with people who are mean and nasty who have cancer. Like so many of you, my brother, sister and I have battled an entire lifetime of having a difficult mother. Being screamed and cursed at and being called horrible names, only to feel the guilt and shame afterward to make things right because it was our mother. Special occasions and parties ruined, always a problem with something or someone. We are now facing my mother having this difficult personality and being diagnosed with cancer. She has been irate, mean and nasty and picked each and every one of us apart, including her grandchildren. No one is immune to the behavior. In additon she has a husband who requires care and she is mean and nasty and abusive to him as well. It is very hard to witness. I have both of them staying with me because they live so far and it has not been easy. All of us have cooked, waited on her hand and foot gone to doctors appointments which are so far away because she chose to go the farthest distance for her treatment and this morning I was called horrible names and had horrible things said to me in front of my youngest daughter. We are all at a loss. I couldn't leave them to rot in a house so far away and we have been trying to get them closer to all of us. Everything we do is for naught. Nothing is good enough. It is heartbreaking and I really do believe their is a mental illness that has gone undiagnosed for a lifetime. It is only compounded now by her cancer diagnosis. I don't know how much more I can take, it is breaking my heart, my family and my spirit.

Jeanie, I wouldn't be so quick to assume that the doctor will not listen to your version of events. Sweet little old ladies who are sugar and spice to their doctors but witch queens from h*ll to their daughters are not as rare as all that, you know. And if the doctor is reasonably experienced, he will welcome your perspective on your mother's care. You may even find that he is not all that surprised to hear it.

You can not rely on your mother's diagnosis of herself. Did you not get a written evaluation from her Dr.? My mother has severe Alheimers & she thinks nothing is wrong with her! She wants to blame everyone else for her condition especially me, her daughter, (who is also POA & trustee) Dementia causes them to be severely paranoid & every downgrading word she speaks against you will always hurt no matter how many times your assured that it comes from her illness. You need a professional evaluation from a NeuroPschologist (in hopes that Medicare will help you) ASAP! Even though you feel that your personal care for her is your best alternative, I feel your personal obligation to help her is outweighing what is truly "best" for her. After finding out the results of a Dr who is better at determining her condition, you & your Dr will need to decide what type of care for her specific condition is best. You may be robbing her of important needs that are specific to her dementia (due to your loyalty & love for her is understandable) if you decide to handle ALL of this on your own. It's a hard pill to swallow when you feel your handing your mother's care over to strangers. But if your home is not suited for her needs, your doing a disservice to her & yourself. Since her behavior to you is ugly & bitter now, it will only get worse. (I'm sorry). For me, I have had hard time understanding why it is so common to hurt the ones we love when we fear the unknown! Especially if her hurtful accusations & undeserving implications to you are way out of line. My mother also has the skill of convincing other people of her authority, especially when she wears her mask of "acting overly happy". It's her defense mechanism. And she still uses it, even now, as she progresses into her later Alzheimer's condition. But the skilled professionals see this all the time & recognize it! It will be hard for you to put all your faith in a stranger who you feel doesn't know her as well as you do, but you have to trust in their abilities. You must! Please do some research on NeuroPsycholigists in your area. You may be thankful you have when/if your mother fights you over things she is incapable of understanding and becomes so hateful towards you, you become resentful. It is truly heartwrenching! I don't want to tell you she will get better, she may be more comfortable if you place her in the right hands, but dementia is unfortunately a downward spiral. And please try not to forget your needs!!! The stress that is put on you will no doubt cause you a lot of problems in the future. Depending on how strong your own constitution is will be the determining factor to your reactions. We all tend to put off the obvious & I can't tell you enough how it important it is for you to get the right help immediately! I procrastinated with finding the right help for my mother & it has caused me to suffer more than I thought was possible. The stress you bare will eventually turn against your own health! I now have several issues that have caused me to be disabled.The worst one being my battle against ulcerated colitis. Please don't let this happen! All kidding aside, the pain I feel from shooting out razor blades from my butt has caused me to feel worthless. It drains my energy, it makes me ill & I can't depend on myself to keep important appointments for her or myself. Please don't get yourself in a position where your own health is at jeopardy. People handle stress/grief differently. If you lean towards being an empath, protect yourself by finding the appropriate help for your mother before her worsening condition turns into your ultimate nightmare... My prayers are with you 💓

yes, she's been visited by the psych dept several times throughout her yearlong ordeal (apparently this is standard procedure to monitor depression during an unusually long stay). I, personally, was never in the room during any of these visits, but I was told, by my mother, that they said there was nothing wrong with her. I found that she had been put her on meds like Lyrica for nerve pain, and others that also had anti-psychotic effects. these drugs mostly made her sleepy or even catatonic, she didn't do well on them, but no one was able to tell me if they were primarily for relief of severe nerve pain, or for psychiatric purposes.
I don't think I could have a conversation about this with her doctor, she can be absolutely charming with others when she wants, he would never understand this side of her.
this situation seems hopeless to me. but I do appreciate your reply : )

TREADING WATER HI!
Just letting you know your not alone everything you write about your mom is exactly what I am going through except my mom is living with me now. She argues over everything I cannot have a conversation with her without arguing or she is a know it all. She was in a retirement home but the rent was increasing to $500.00 and I pay her pharmacy bills and her health insurance. And cannot pay for the increase of her rent. Anyways I am beside my self. Just wanted you to know how much our stories are able. Hope things get better for you.

Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? This might give you a handle on what is going on mentally with her, and there might meds that would ameliorate her condition. If nothing else, you might get some insight from the doctor about how to handle her demandingness.

As you have surmised, this is not normal behavior. Surviving terrible health crises does not make a "normal" person mean and self centered. Age DOES seem to shrink one's mental universe, so that elder's often don't see the effect of their demands on others, but what you're talking about sounds like a more serious, situation, perhaps a mental disorder.

I, too, am caring for an incapacitated parent. my mother (who is 75) was just released from spending a year in the hospital & rehab. she has deep leg wounds, mobility issues and overall poor conditioning due to being institutionalized for a year. I brought her home and moved back in with her to care for her. during her year away, I had been looking for more suitable accommodations for the two of us to live together, as her house is way too small, and does not work for wheelchairs, walkers or handicap bathing. during our brief time at home together, I have been waiting on her hand and foot (and, btw, my foot is broken, and it's just getting worse). she has been mean, callous and ungrateful. however, she's fabulous with others. I am at a loss, I have bent over backwards to make sure that she had the best possible care in the hospital and rehabs. I tend to her every need, cooking all her favorite meals, buying her special things to lift her spirits, etc. I'm thinking now that all of this may have been a mistake as she is so cruel and selfish, thinking only of her own needs. how can one blame her, really, she's endured so much this last year. she was on the brink of death many times, and yet she pulled through each time. I feel terrible even posting this, but I don't know, mentally or physically, how much more I can take, and if moving in together permanently (as she needs a lot of care) is the right thing to do. throughout her life, I was repeatedly told (by friends who are healthcare workers) that she was manic or bipolar, however she was never formally diagnosed. whatever negative personality traits she exhibited in the past have come to the surface now tenfold. any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

l

It's powerful to know that I do not love my mother. I separated (no-contact/no-communication) from my nasty mother and toxic family over a year ago. I grieved hard. Who was there to emotionally beat me to a pulp? I learned recently through a lawyer through my mother is seriously ill and refusing all help and treatment.
She is desperately trying to enter my life again, and even thousands of miles away, listening to her by phone, I am left crippled in the fetal position again by phone. The no-contact has to been reinstated.
A dysfunctional toxic bond tied us together. A lot of people talk about feeling guilty about hating their mothers who abuse them. Actually, what tied me to my mother is carrying her shame. And that is a heavy, horrible load to carry. It infiltrates me. I don't have to carry her shame anymore. I am much happier without my mother in my life. I am AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, and TALENTED person without her shame.

Your mother has dementia. Read about it, learn to accept the fact that her brain is broken and that she can no longer process complex story lines even about her own life. Leave the family drama on the doorstep. And better, get yourself a therapist who can help you resolve the issues you have with your family without confronting her.

If you can't separate your sad past and visiting and caring for your mom is making you ill, then resign your POA, if that is what keeps you coming back. I'm not sure I understand why someone in an AL needs hands on care a week or two out of every month, unless your mom needs a higher level of care.

Have you asked the staff about how she is when you're not there? Is it possible she's happy as a clam, going to activities and such the rest of the time and is only grumpy when she has an audience ? Does the staff laugh off her comments as the sad products of a demented brain, as you should?

I hope you can find some peace in this situation.

My 88 year old mother is in an Assisted Living Facility for 1 year now. She has a form of dementia and has short term memory loss. I am 64 years old and live in another state from her. I am her care taker and handle all of her finances, medical needs and everything for her. Although I have two other siblings that live in the same city that she does, I am the one that takes care of her. She has become a very bitter person and it is difficult to be around her at times. She dislikes the food at the ALF and talks bad about the cna's and the nurses at the facility. When you try to address and issue about something she said to another family member, she calls the person a liar. I recently found out after 63 years of life that my oldest sibling is not my sibling. When I confronted my mother about this, she told me that I should not be bringing up this issue at all. She told me to get a dna test completed if I chose to do so. When I confronted her in the presence of my oldest sibling, she told me" see how you are upsetting your sister on this subject"? She would not tell her who her father was but blamed me instead. My mother asked to be removed from her house because she was being financially abused and verbally abused by my other sibling. Now she blames me for getting her out of this abusive environment. She tries to say things to my middle sibling and her family about me to make me look like the bad person. She says things to me about my middle sibling and her family but she never says anything about our older sibling. This is the child of a 1st love of my mother. I am the only one that has stepped up to the plate to take care of my mother. My older and middle sister and families will no step up to the plate to take care of her. However, it gets more stressful every day to handle her financial and personal needs especially when she complains about everything I do for her. She makes excuses for my older sister because her family have some health issues that are being addressed. As I do not live in the same state, I travel each month and remain there from 1 to 2 weeks sometime to take care of her, take her to the doctor, take care of her personal needs, etc. I am trying to be a respectful daughter but I do not know how long I can continue to do so. I was so stressed today because when I spoke to my mom that I had been working on getting her medication correct all day told me that she had not eaten today. Then she told me the staff did not bring her dinner, In reality however my mom was to order a substitute meal today but she did not . In reality she had eaten some broth but led me to believe otherwise. She makes statements about the people that work at the ALF that are very ugly to upset me as I do not like to call people fat, ugly and racial remarks. What can I do in this case? Stop visiting her each month, stop calling her several times a day? How can I be a loving caring daughter? And keep my sanity? This relationship has not helped my marriage as of late.

You shouldn't feel guilt your mum has always been that way she chose to act the way she does I have had the same problem all my life because of a bitter nasty selfish woman who has made my life a misery most of the time.
I used to go back and forth continuously to hope in my heart I would get a glimpse of niceness of her but she has never changed I've been depressed,anxious had to see a councillor because the way she has made me feel in life she would beat me and call me names and how I was a b****** and she should have left me with my dad who left when I was 6 weeks old.
Now she is 74 and I am 48 I now realise that she will never be the mum I wanted I actually don't like her as a person I pity her for all she has missed out on myself and kids who she barely knows I now talk to her now and again and try to rise above her bitterness and hate but now won't hesitate for a moment to cut her out my life in a second if she starts being abusive toward me again which she had done for years I think she knows now that I am not willing to tolerate her.
The last time I told her on the phone there was no need for her to act the way she did and I was sick of it I hung up and never spoke to her for two weeks she forgets that everyone had their own life and problems but to her its all about her she does not care about anyone apart from herself.
It hurts when you want a normal mother bit it hurts more to have to put up with her behaviour and the adverse affects it has on us who find it hard to cope with it.

You have your own life to consider you only get one shot of it no matter what even if they are family members it shouldn't matter to earn respect they must be able to give it out never feel guilty ever live your life for you now and the people who love you.