My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

Somehow I misread that she is living in your home, not her home. No matter, the guns have to go or be disarmed and locked away from her and she still needs to be in memory care.

Dad probably will be an obstacle because he's enmeshed. Your choices have nothing satisfactory in the list because they are all sad in some way -
Walk away, try to help and get clobbered & abused, or do nothing and try to stay close and get clobbered & abused.

Your dad has no hope of recovery while she is in that home with him, and this may be a lost cause.

If you think it's a lost cause, you can report them to their county adult protection and make an anonymous report of a vulnerable adult. That may be all you can really do even though it seems like you have the willingness to really help them out.

Sometimes we have to know when to back completely away and let nature take its course, as sad as that choice is.

::HUGS:::

Stillstanding1 - Totally comprehensible because I've lived on that crazy island before.

Google "Cluster B Personality Disorders" and you will read about your mother, my mother, and a lot of other mothers. Narcissism, Borderline, and Hystrionic personality disorders are a mental illness dependent on a reign of fear, obligation, guilt (FOG), constant praise, constant attention, and impersonal manipulation of everyone around them. Other people - even their children - are just a means to an end - more attention. It's a mental illness and she can no more change that about herself than I can decide to grow taller another 6 inches tomorrow. There is no cure, only treatment of symptoms.

LOCK UP THOSE GUNS NOW!!!! so she can't get to them. This is a matter of simply being responsible. You can NOT have guns around a mentally ill dementia patient. Unless you want to get shot or have her get shot by accident. Think about how that would read in the police report. Think of the safety of everyone who lives around you. DO THIS NOW.

I would STRONGLY suggest getting your mother OUT of your house faster than immediately or you are going to end up in the hospital, not her. She needs to be seen by a neurologist and a geriatric psychiatrist. You may need to get her placed in a memory care residence to make the psych visits possible. Cluster B people will die fighting any attempt to get them into a psych's office, so it has to be done in a way she can't refuse or run away. In these places, it's just another doctor that comes to see them in their room. You will have nothing to do with it as far as she can tell.

She needs to be in memory care because she is out of control and a danger to herself and others. Memory care is setup to specifically handle the wild behavior and surprises of dementia. They are also setup to handle the psychiatric aspect of this while a regular old-age-home is probably not going to be able to handle that. Not willingly anyway and not for long.

Next time she pulls a dramatic stunt - call 911 - and let the police take her away. Have her sent to the hospital for psych observation. Some places it's called "Baker Acted", but it's involuntary commitment. This will buy you time to find another place for her to stay. You should work with the hospital social worker to get this setup because SHE IS NOT COMING BACK TO THAT HOUSE. This is a very important thing to keep from happening regardless of what kind of show-timing she does for the doctors.

You - if you can't get into therapy (and believe me, I understand how logistically impossible that is sometimes) read "Surviving the Borderline Mother". It will change your outlook, it will empower you to have boundaries and learn to see past your mother's theatrics so you can get her into safe care and put some distance between the two of you.

Please come back to let us know how it's going!! We've been through it all.

Thank you to everyone here who has commented. I have read them all, and they have helped me immensely. My mother put me on the chopping block about 6 weeks ago. She is only 72, but she has spent her life on a vicious quest to rid herself of everyone. With my dad's cooperation, over the decades she has dispensed with his entire family--mom, step-dad, brothers, sisters, etc. She has also given the same ultimatums for her own relatives; that is, we had to choose between them and her. My sisters(2) and I are down to one aunt, one of mom's sisters. Mom wants us to cut her out too. We have been resisting for three years. This has caused several screaming, enraged outbursts from her that have lasted up to months at a time. I knew that it was only a matter of time until she started cutting out my sisters and me too. She especially resents me because she is competitive with me, and I am the most honest with her. Her tantrums are characterized also by crying, throwing things, name calling (i.e. f.. lying bitch), locking herself in her room for extended periods. My dad enables her by saying "she's fine" and refusing to get help for her. Of course, when he is standing in the kitchen because she is enraged and locked in her room with firearms, he is afraid that she will shoot him. My most recent infraction involved hurting her feelings by the way that I speak to her. I said that I did nothing wrong and that I was concerned that she should see a doctor because she is making things up (i.e. my dad has a girlfriend--impossible since he cannot leave her side) and she's paranoid. I was given the option to either admit that I am the problem or never be spoken to again. I refused to back down, saying that I was very concerned about my mother. She has always been this way, but I think that she is worse the last few years, and I suspect dementia. One of her sisters died at age 71 in NH with vascular dementia. She was extremely violent and attacked both NH employees and other residents; they expelled her after a resident's family pressed charges. I think that my mother is heading in the same direction. I am afraid of both of my parents. At first, I tried to call them, but they wouldn't answer the phone. I planned to try to get things back on track, but the longer the situation has continued without contact, the less that I want to go back to the S.O.S and emotional blackmail. I asked my husband, a medical doctor, to talk to my parents and recommend medical assessment. He was afraid, too. After listening to all of their excuses, tirades, lying, crying and blaming, he left without any satisfaction. He said that their attitude was "screw you." My sisters are ambivalent; they don't like it either, but as long as they are not "out" (for now, anyway), they want the status quo to go on. They don't have any misguided hope like I did. My situation is different from others here in that my father is still living and is her pawn/ guard dog. Otherwise, the sisters and I would have gotten her help long ago. Mother is extremely manipulative and coquettish. She only sees her (male) doctor when the crises are past, she looks her best, and she tells him that she's depressed. Now, she has been on some kind of mental health drugs for about five decades. We don't know what she takes now. To round out some of the picture, none of my sisters nor I are like her. She has been a terrible mother to me and a bad grandmother to my children. She has never said a kind word to me in my life, and she has never done anything--even grandparents' day at school--with my children. This experience has been like mourning; it is as though my parents are both dead. I guess that you could say that I have been relieved of the duty of trying to keep them happy and "normal." They go nowhere, do nothing, have zero friends, and they hate everybody. I do mean "everybody." DAILY, I would hear the ranting about how someone should assassinate the president and his family (because they are black)! Who can take that??? I should feel good that I don't have to deal with them anymore, but I don't think that the desire to see your parents cared for, or being in the best situation that they can, ever leaves. I have taken note of the books that were recommended by others on this forum regarding BPD, of which I know very little (or a lot, depending on your perspective). I may read some of these, but I'm not sure they will be of use to me. I should, perhaps, seek counseling. I am now afraid that I could become like my mother and her sisters. I feel sure that she is going to end up like my demented aunt, but who knows what it would take to get my dad to call the authorities for a psychiatric emergency. I shudder to think how it could play out. I have used all avenues available to me to persuade them to get checked for dementia (and, yes, my doc husband has called her doctor before), and now, I am dead to them. Thank you for understanding. To most people this is incomprehensible.

My mother was exceptionally domineering, controlling, loud, bossy, mean, and any other way to be that would make people do as she wanted, regardless of the consequences. My mother is a borderline personality/narcissist.

You will need to put some personal boundaries in place to survive this. If she gets ugly, walk away to another room. You can tell her that when she can talk to you without being ugly, you are happy to talk. I had to learn how to respectfully stand up to my mother. She could not learn how to behave, but in the moment, I did not stand around and take the abuse. I would leave my purse in the trunk of my car, so that if I had to make a fast exit, I wouldn't have to look for it. Same for my coat when it was minus 40!

If you have a smart phone, you can record her when she's "putting on a show" and she probably won't know it. You may need this evidence with her doctor and attorney.

No legitimate attorney would allow someone mentally compromised to make changes to their legal documents. If they do, they risk losing their license. You may need to use a different attorney than hers just to avoid conflict of interest.

Keep a journal of the events that transpire with your mom. I had to go back to mine when I needed to write a recap of why I believed my mother needed a guardian. My attorney put this information into the court petition to justify the request, so write it with that in mind. Capture her attitude, whether she was agitated or calm, yelling or not, animated gestures or reserved, swearing, using profane names, etc. Facts, not opinions.

It's going to be turbulent getting this plane off the ground, but once it's at altitude I promise you'll feel better because things are under control and some level of certainty to them.

Thank you Sandwich! I think I needed to hear that from someone outside of my circle. I'm trying so hard not to spend unnecessary money, but in the long run there just isn't any other option. I've had an appt set up before & I canceled it. So I will go back on that track again. It's just so hard for me to deal with all the paperwork, payments, scheduling & not knowing how ill I will be from day to day. My illness really digs into valuable time on work I used to do so easily. I will be reading your advice over/over again to give me strength! Thanks so much for your support & intelligence.

SUSANQ1965 - I am so sorry for what has happened. It wasn't supposed to be this way and yet, here it is. I think there are a lot of people in that boat with you unfortunately.

It sounds to me like you need to speak to her doctor and pursue guardianship/conservatorship with the court. ASAP. Your mother is no longer competent and should not be in control of such critical decisions any longer. You do have recourse through the guardian/conservator legal maneuver.

You could possibly even have some of her recent decisions invalidated by having the doctor complete some forms you'll need anyway.

I don't think you can let go and feel unburdened. If you do let go, it sounds like you will still carry this weight and injustice around forever. I would certainly have a hard time putting the resentment and anger away.

I would contact an eldercare lawyer immediately (or faster) to get things under control and stop any further potential losses and bad decisions by your mother.

This may not be a popular idea with anyone, but if anyone involved is going to get out of this OK, somebody has to do the responsible thing and get the arrangements taken care of. Bless you as you go through this journey.

My sad story continues with a lot of contingencies involved. My brother & I were both begged to work for the family business my father & maternal grandfather ran. So both of us were working our fannies off for 35 years! Neither of us wanted to be there (selling natural gas & propane gas), we found out soon enough that our father was not able to compartmentalize our roles as employees from our lives as family members. He would take advantage of us by accusing us of not "honoring our father" when or if we had better solutions or needed new technology for more efficient means, we had to practically beg him to change from his old habits! And we're talking about a product that is dangerous & requires a lot of paperwork from the government, the safety commission, let alone better the welfare of our customers! My mother retired as a school teacher in 1981 & wasn't even able to write out a receipt correctly to the customers. We tried to keep her away from any business activities. We were told all this time that when we sold these companies we would have a "gold mine". My father never set up any retirement plans for either one of us. We were told we would be getting the "gold mine". It is so true when it's said that there are no guarantees in life! The plan did not work out as expected. What money was invested in different stocks. As trustee, I have been forced to liquidate one after another to pay for their care. On top of that, I have been diagnosed with Lupus which has affected my immune system in several areas of my body. I applied for disability in 2012 & I'm still waiting for my court date. I am unable to hold down a job due to several disabilities, the worse one being chronic diarrhea (sorry for my bluntness). Since my parents became incapacitated & my father recently passed, my mother thinks all that money we made belongs to her. Her reasoning is because her father, my grandfather is the one who started the company in 1948. He passed in 1980. When he passed she inherited his shares of the company, along with his money. She reminds me constantly that the money is all hers. This of course hurts & worries my brother & I. We made the money for the company during the last 35 years of its existence. And now she says that none of it belongs to us. We are worried about our future. My mother is so good at convincing people of her authority & has already spent a bit if money to her lawyer, trying to change the POA status to boot me out. Her trust account states that she can hire anyone to be POA no matter how incapable she is. I am in the process of liquidating another stock for her expensive care. I'm not trying to be greedy, but if my disability doesn't come through & she wills the rest of the money to someone else, my bro & I will have to live with that for the rest of our lives. Since she has Alzheimer's, she swings back & forth with her intentions. And it all lays on my lap. I am unable to jump to action every time she calls & wants me to see her. When I do, it makes my condition worse from the stress she puts on me. She will do anything & everything to try to spend her money on unnecessary expenses. And she cries on & on about the loss of her husband or the fact that she is so lonely. I end up with a flare up & will be bedridden for a few days! She doesn't understand my condition & she is constantly calling me. Sometimes I wonder if the money that is left is worth the horrible way she treats me. My brother has always been the "golden boy". He could get by with murder & she would love him. But he stays away from her. Since I still have compassion left for her, she is starting to use me as her puppet. My brother tells me to let go, it's ruining my health. He says the money isn't worth it. I find that hard to believe from him. I'm not really sure who I'm protecting. I'm definitely not protecting myself. Nothing I've done so far has worked. She will remain this way until her time comes. Should I let go of everything? If I do, she will have full control of everything! And she is a horrible, manipulating, mentally ill woman.

Dream on! Parents like that who were people like that when we were young, were that way before we were born and will not change even if we kill ourselves trying to make them change, plus they will not care if we do die for they will only miss us not being around to be their slave, not miss us because they ever loved us to begin with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Save yourselves and flee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are not alone!! Just left my moms house. I'm 57. My mom wants everyone to agree with her even when she is wrong. If we don't she gets angry. Growing up with my brother and sister was tough. Never ever got hugged or never was told that we were loved. My brother and I were called SOB's all of our young lives. (What kind of mother calls her kids that)? She has no friends. It don't take long for people to figure out that she uses them for what she can get out of them. She cheated on my dad when we were younger and we had hoped she would never come back. But she did and her mean and angry ways just continued. I have tried to help her even now as an adult myself, but she is just a mean person. I can't be around her no more. My brother hasn't been to see her In I think 8 years. At one time in my life I didn't go around her for over 2 years after she got angry and punched me in the face with her fist. At 78 years old we thought she might start to mellow out. WRONG. It is as if she is mad at everything and everyone around her. Sorry guys. At this age I don't believe someone like this will change. My siblings and myself are nothing like her. I have a motto I say sometimes. (To avoid trouble stay away from it).

All of you are so brave and I read every post carefully. The relief to know I am not alone facing the ugly outbursts and accusations from LaGrande Dame can;t be described. The post from SANDWICH42PLUS is spot on. SOOO right about childhood trauma reshaping the brain. There is also a neurochemical reaction in humans now identified as the "neurochemical cascade" that lasts about 90 seconds. They get a RUSH from the commotion they cause.

Very true. I read a book about the borderline mother. That trauma causes physical health problems as well as mental health.

Young brains can't cope with the overload of abuse. It's often decades before our minds remember those blankeď out memories. My memories of my mother and getting fully in touch with my anger did take place until mom's sudden decline in 2009 and my getting involved as her only child in her care.

Sandwich42plus, I have done a lot of research on childhood traumas & I think that is a very significant point to bring up. My mother has been nasty & controlling all her life & I think a lot of it stems from the horrible experiences she had with her alcoholic father. Although she is not an alcoholic, her abusive behavior towards me is also significant during my childhood. I suffer from fibromyalgia which is believed to be caused by a childhood trauma. Even though I do remember a lot of physical & verbal abuse from her, there is an event that occurred to me around the age of two. My brother who was four at the time was horrified when my mother threw the vacuum cleaner on top of me. I don't remember this & I wonder what other awful actions she might have done to me that I refuse to remember. And the same goes for herself. It's amazing how our brains shelter us from traumatic events as a child to protect us from the horrible realities of our past.

I read in a journal somewhere that people who have had severe trauma in their life, especially early on, can have physiological brain damage from that. The constant state of fear and anxiety actually damages the part of the brain that would let you remember a traumatic event. They will later have psychiatric/personality disorders and truly not be able to remember any of it. They think it's a biological coping mechanism to deal with frequent and ongoing trauma that is too much to handle. It is found in vets with PTSD too.

This is very stressful on the family and people around that person because you have to go through 7 levels of heck with them, and they deny all of it, blaming you as a liar making up stories so they look bad.

This happened with my mom. We know she had an abusive childhood with a lot of trauma. I always thought she refused to talk about it, but maybe she couldn't because her brain had damage, and she didn't have access to those memories.

She was always prone to "pulling stunts" periodically where she would go on rampages, or act like she didn't know any of us, or basically have a psychotic break and never remember a minute of it. What I would have given to have an iphone to video that when it was happening back in the 70s & 80s.

You grow up around that and you start to doubt your own senses. You second guess your own reality and become so unsure of just about anything that it's hard to mature properly. I used to marvel at people my age who seemed to have it together and could handle other people easily. I would wonder how they got like that while I was so insecure about everything.

Indeed, while you might get an apology from a borderline if they've spent years in therapy with the same therapist and worked hard which very few ever do. Very often, borderlines don't remember the mean things they said when in an impulsive rage.

You'll never hear such a thing from a narcissist that is anything but sincere.

Getting a sincere apology out of a borderline or narcissist is like getting champagne out of a toad.

Sadly that is a lesson that my mother has NOT learned yet. She says mean things to me and then when I confront her about it later, she either denies that she said it or tries to tell me that "I said I was sorry" when she either hasn't or thinks that insulting me even further is an apology.

This is my 98 yo mother who is now in assisted living. She is now learing that she cannot say whatever pops into her head and be respected. The other members of her community do not stand for her verbal abuse. She is now learning to THINK before she speaks.

Susan, you were appointed trustee of your father's estate, is that right? And you now have POA for your mother?

You could, if you like, question why you continue to play an active, hands-on role in your mother's life. You can wind up and disburse your father's estate, you can resign your POA, handing your mother's finances over to a professional administrator, you can walk away. There is nothing in law that obliges you to see your mother at all if you choose not to, and there are always - at a price - ways of delegating the financial responsibilities that remain towards your mother.

But it's not that easy, is it? We have feelings towards our parents, for good or ill, that are very hard to let go; and in your case I expect that whether or not you do all this work for your mother you will continue to feel the feelings.

Since they're so painful, perhaps those are what you should work on. I'm not one to skip merrily along to the therapist at the drop of a hat, but don't you think it might help? You do have a turbulent mass of emotions going on, after all, and working with someone else to sort them out might make them much easier to handle.

I sooo agree with all of you! My mother is so nasty, I started calling her(not to her face) "the Devils mother".. She has ALWAYS been controlling & abusive to me, I'm never good enough, nothing I do pleases her even though she has tried to shape my life. This awful side of her personality has not changed, it has intensified. She was able to create a facade in front of others by masking her ugliness by being overly dramatic, overly happy, smiling & laughing all the time while stabbing these people behind their backs! She has been diagnosed with Alzhhimers & everyone tells me it is not her but the disease! B.S.! And I should not take it personal, but I do! I know this is her down deep & she is now unable to mask it. It hurts me to the core! My father just past in June 2015 & I don't know how he put up with her. She would argue with him & downgrade him as well, but he felt his vows to her were forever! When he was alive, she resented the pleasant & cooperative relationship he & I had together. I was prevented from visiting him with her there because of her ongoing hate she had towards me. Since I was appointed trustee, she thought I was always stealing or taking items from their home. She still accuses me of this. It feels horrible not to have a mother who doesn't trust her daughter. Now that my father, my best friend has passed, she is constantly leaning on me. I don't want to be her puppet! But at least the horrible jealousy has subsided. If I don't visit her, she threatens to change "The Will". (And she has put in the trust that no matter how incapacitated she is, she still has the right to change her POA at anytime, thus giving them power over The Will) I constantly get calls from her on a daily basis, pleading for me to visit her. If the caretakers don't monitor her calls, I've had as many as 40 a day! When I do answer, she goes on about how much she loves me & misses me etc. Then, behind my back, she goes into downgrading me to everyone! When I visit her, she cries all the time OR talks about "her money"! Always wanting me to give her cash! It's sooo depressing & painful for me to experience. When Dad was alive, she never cared about seeing me. I see her once a week but it's never enough! Am I doing the right thing? Does anyone have any suggestions how I should handle this? Being around her is pure hell because I know her actions to me are false. As a child, I would have loved for her to tell me how much she loved me or give me hugs & kisses. This behavior is now non-stop. I'm surprised that I'm not more insecure or mentally screwed up!

No you are not alone, I have a mother just like that but I let my siblings deal with the gulit

Tryingmybest, what you wrote is so true. I've noticed that same thing about the way others think about old people. Old people are not pitiful and helpless. They are the same people they have always been. Inside of them still lives that person they have always been. I dread the day that anyone should look at me as pitiful and helpless.

Something else I've noticed when it comes to caregivers is that people often cast us in a childlike and subservient role. So advice ends up looking like, "Your parent is old and pitiful, therefore you should do things to make mama/daddy happy during their last days on earth." That sounds fine until we consider that those last days on earth can stretch out more than 10 years and often require total donation of the caregiver's life. We need to come up with a new way of advising that elevates both the care receiver and giver to the same dignity they always had.

elmopalooza - I know exactly what you mean. I get so tired of the people who jump to trite assumptions. Sounds like your Mom has a pretty full social life.

Just because a person is old it doesn't mean they are suddenly some sad thing deserving of our endless pity. Frankly I find that point of view insulting to elder people. My parents have always been angry and unhappy it has nothing to do with age. Thank goodness I have a number of elders in my life, people well into their 80s and even their 90s, who accept the limits of age with grace and are finding ways to live life to the fullest within those limitations. If I thought that becoming elderly was some kind of horrible sentence I think I would be planning my exit sooner than later, but I don't.
Having said that I do feel sad for my parents that they are such miserable people. I am kind to them and help as I am willing and able but I don't get sucked into trying to make them happy. That is a black hole that will never be filled and damage those who try.

Wow! Lots of adult children of miserable mothers out there! Today, my mother reamed me out in front of the nurses who are caring for her at the hospital. One of the nurses said don't take it personally it is the alzheimers that is making her this way. But I know better, this is how she treated me all my life. I am 57 and while I have forgiven her, the wounds are deep. How do I deal with it? I put myself first. Sometimes I feel guilty too. But when she acts out I remind myself that my lack of sensitivity for her has it's roots. She made her bed, she has no friends. Her life is no life, she sits in front of the television all day, lonely and depressed because of the isolated life she chose. She is in the moderate stage of the disease. Thank God she has a husband who puts up with her. I that God everyday for him. I certainly could not live with her. She is so mean, nasty and controlling. But I do not let her get to me like I used to. Again, it hurts but I know I am a good daughter and that I doing the right thing for me first, then for her.

If my friend tells me one more time "Your mom's LONELY" I am going to scream. Shes NOT lonely. She has friends supposedly where she lives, she has her sister, her job and she is dating. How lonely can she be? If she was SO lonely? She would move back home where her family is but she doesn't want to do that.

I can definitely relate to your mom's "illusions of grandeur" that seem to be an important aspect of your mothers life. My mother grew up with a lot of money & was spoiled rotten. She has given my father hell for not providing the money & luxuries she was used to. She also parades her "Hollywood past with utter strangers" ! That really turns her on! But problems with scammers are created. She loves & trusts her past cleaning lady more than she does me & has brainwashed this woman in believing that I don't care or listen. Ha! My mom used to throw 100 bills around to people like her! They keep coming back until they finally see the real person behind the money. Problem is, thoses people love getting the money & steal valuables from her. When she can't find them, she accuses me (or sometimes my brother) in stealing them! Sometimes, those items have been hidden by her & sometimes not. It really scares me when you tell me your mother is 95! Mine is only 85. How much longer am I to go through this? I really feel for you! And isn't funny that she has no problems with your husband? My mother tells my x-husband or my last boyfriend that "they were her favorite" . Its such a crock. And of course if the caretaker doesnt do what she wants, they are considered beneath her. I think my mother was abused by her father who she defends to the end. After making big money he became a severe alcoholic. She has disowned her sister for 30 years. I'm sure it's because she doesn't want to re-live that part of her past. Oh what web we weave! The skeletons in people's closets can cause such behavioral destruction on themselves & others...

Well now my mom is speaking to me again. I kinda liked not speaking to her for a few weeks. But at least she is behaving herself so far. It's not to talk to her about stuff other then me moving. Of course I told her that I have two callings in my church now so that should help. Because when the bishop gives you a calling(Primary,etc) you can't turn it down without a good reason. We'll see how it goes. She is dating again so I hope she will find a guy to settle down with and then she can mooch off him!

Thanks, VSTEFANS, for empathy and advice. What great words--I just had a good cry reading your kind post. And SUSNAG 1956, sing it sister. You are very courageous and you have many more "characters in your movie" than I do. Your descriptions so SOOOO familiar and I have experienced much of what you describe. My La Grande Dame instantly "falls in love" with utter strangers, who slobber all over her grand appearance and "look of money" and then parades her Hollywood past before glowing admirers and gives them gifts and money---but then when she realizes they are liberals, or are just "the little people who do not know their place", she turns again in to the Gorgon. Of course, she has accused me of trying to get the POA--of course, I have not and have no idea what her monetary arrangements are. My prince of a husband is the only man she didn't chase off or scare (he's completely unimpressed) and she couldn't STAND it that I got my own life, age 43, (I'm now 65) after scurrying around being her hand-maiden for 40 years--hence I missed the window to have children. I feel like Elizabeth Barrett Browning, the poetess, who escaped to Italy at night from her horrible over-bearing father and found happiness late in life--despite the insults, threats, and vicious phone calls. You both are angels to respond--thanks. I'm just getting too tired of being so scared--she just gets stronger at 95!! Your words of "depressing" and "heart-wrenching" are PERFECT. There must be nice people out there somewhere.

Boy! Do I ever know what your going through. My mother has always be a controlling person! She must have things her way or she will give you grief by downgrading & evil accusations. She was a schoolteacher for 20 years. She would put on a facade in front of her students as well as other people. We have been told what a great teacher she was for years! However, only a few have witnessed the other ugly side to her. My father, my brother & I have never been good enough & she has constantly reminded us of that to this day! This woman must have a puppet! She is so insecure with her phoney behavior of being so friendly to others when she has been making her family feel guilty & ashamed. Nothing is ever good enough for her & everything is about her. She now has Alzheimers & this ugly behavior has intensified. Being the POA & Trustee has been extremely exhausting & painful for me. If I knew she would be this bad, I would have refused the job. She is constantly accusing me of stealing, from items of value to "her money". My father has just past. When he was alive, she used him as her puppet, she tried to brainwash him in believing her accusations that my brother & I were stealing from the estate. He & I were very close, talk together about their trust, reviewed issues & he told mei was doing a great job. My mother has resented the close father & daughter dynamics we have. She would use him as a puppet to try to side against me. Now that he has passed, her ammunition against me has dwindled. She knows that my brother & I will not be controlled by her wishes which are now either insane or impossible! She now tries to use the caretakers as her puppets as well, but that usually ends up in a debacle. I went through two years of crying because she didn't trust me. I know now that I was grieving at losing any goodness she had in her. After losing my father who was my rock & best friend, after watching her downgrade him day in & day out, I think she might feel that she is losing whatever battles she was insanely creating. Now she wants to die & has attempted suicide a few times. We know she is trying to control us with her "feel sorry for me" behavior. But we are grieving over my father as well. She wants to argue with us about that fact that she loved him more than we did? That issue just comes out-of-the-blue!!! I am trying to get pschological help through her primary doctor, but they know it's a losing game. Her dementia will only get worse. We just don't understand why she doesn't take the time to show us her love now, instead of fighting us as if we were the enemy! It breaks my heart, & it takes every ounce of determination & love I have for her, to be able to visit her once a week for a hour. It's truly depressing & heartwrenching to hear her evil accusations of us.

Cheekah, you are a true success in life and mom is 1. jealous and/or 2. ashamed that she predicted otherwise when you were young.

Always remember it is HER not you, her story, not yours. God bless you and don't be ashamed of her words having more power than the average person to throw you off balance...after all, she's Mom and nothing really changes that. All of us have a right to expect love and support from a Mom, not perfection, grant you that - but some of us don't get it and all of us tend to think there is something wrong with US, maybe because it is much less threatening to think that when we are young and dependent. You are going to be all right. When she does pass on, your mix of emotions will be a bit rocky, but just be kind to yourself and keep on celebrating those anniversaries! Only 8 years to your 30th - make it a big one, whatever else does or does not happen!!

Thanks to all for saving my sanity. Reading these thoughtful and courageous posts makes me realize I'm not alone. As an only child dealing with a 96-year-old diva, who says lovely, motherly things like, "Well, why didn't you divorce that husband of yours after ten years? Now you'll have to share everything when you divorce him" (after telling her that I just celebrated 22 years with my prince of a husband) and other such encouraging tid-bits such as, knocking on her door after not seeing her for a year and the first words out of her mouth are "You look young and thinner...are you on drugs?" I'm so frightened of her, I sometimes think just dying sooner than she does will make her happier. I've worked since I was 16, never took drugs, obtained my Master's Degree and live far away from her in another zip code just for sanity and have never asked her for anything (I'm too frightened). Being 65 and a puddle of fear if I have to see her is embarrassing and I am just flummoxed.