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Betterdays, you are brave to tell your mom. I wait until the hospital social worker or Dr tells her what the discharge plan is or Mother screams and hisses at me. She forgets what they tell her and then takes her wrath out on me when I remind her. Hope your week gets easier.
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I know how you feel Bax and others with difficult, if not downright impossible mothers. I'm also feeling worn out taking care of a mom who had a real charming side when I was growing up, but could punch me in the face if she got mad. I always take the high road and treat people by the golden rule. I'm in my early fifties, taking care of her and dad. I am fortunate and have a sister and a CNA who help. I'm running their household, driving, dealing with daily dementia challenges, hospitalizations. I pray and vent here on this site to you, my friends out there.
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Baxter, your mom did not lose her beauty to old age, she lost it to a mean and selfish spirit. She would still be beautiful if she had a kind and grateful heart.

Her put downs are miserable attempts to build herself up, to blame you for what she has failed in, and as long as she can take your continued presence for granted, they will continue. If you can find any alternative caregiving plan or respite, use it despite any objection she might have; or at least, if you have any freedom to step away or provide the bare minimum of care when you are spoken to so inappropriately it may take the edge off. Even at this late stage it would be better for her if she learned there is some limit to her dishing out grief without consequences, and some benefit to being charitable.

People really have died of caregiving stress, and there is no benefit to anyone if that happens to you. You would not be wrong to try to find a way out of this caregiving situation, partially or completely.
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I hate to sound so pitiful. I know everone out there is fighting for a normal life. Im praying for everone who needs to know GOD loves us and things will get better one day. So Im sending out hugs and hugs and hugs peace and floating soft clouds smiles and whatever can bring the most peace and hsppiness to you.
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TILDA, May GOD bless u and give u strength. Im so overwhelmed myself with my acid tongue mother I dont know where to start. I want to scream on the top of a mountain. I dont want to cry because I dont know if I can stop. At this point in my life i feel like my 82 year old mother might outlive me..Im tired and worned down Im in my early 50s and can hardly take her abuse anymore.All my life she has treated me like she really hated me. Not only because of my color but she told me today after calling me all kinds of names i dont deserve to live. She is awful. Addicted to loranzepram and she can hardly hear and hateful because she is old and her beauty has faded away..Its such a long horrible history behind my mother and my older sister who has not called her or spoken to her for 15 years we saw her at a family funeral. Before that 10 years no word. Yet my mother says my sister is a smarter better person than me
She dont care if my mom live or die but shes better than me. Ive been taking care of her now for 5 years. Walking on eggshells and my soul is weary. Right now im going to pray because my Lord GOD is my salvation..
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Mom called me yesterday out of the blue. She didn't actually try to get me to change my mind but she was trying to be subtle. She told me she thought of getting a roomate to help with her rent. And for a second I thought she would actually do it. But then she tells me that she was talked out of it by her "friends". She claims that because she rents this place she can't have a roomate. Which I am sure is not true. As long as you tell the owners about it I am sure it is fine. She thinks having a roomate will jack up her rent which I don't believe they can do either. She then tells me the same story about how she can't keep working much longer,etc. I just didn't even respond to it. So hopefully she got the hint. But I am sure she will keep trying.
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Well my mom is not speaking to me. Kinda nice actually. Got tired of listening to her constant complaining and nagging. Funny thing is that my 16 year old niece stayed with my cousin for 2 weeks and this cousin goes on and on about how great my mom is and how she talks to her all the time and that my mom is always saying how proud of me she is! Even my niece said to her "Are we talking about the s ame person?" My niece is only 16 but even she thinks something is off with my mom.
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zeenna, its true - depression can be contagious. sometimes medication will help it, but you have to be careful wtih that in elders. In the meantime, take breaks and vent, keep interactions as short ans sweet as possible...congratulate yourself on any little drip of cooperation or positivity you cajole out of her and assure yourself the problem is not *you*! If she never gets out of her room try just telling her its time to do this or that so she has to get a little fresh air. Not that much more you can do, for her anyways!! Cultivate an attitude of gratitude and an easy-going nature in yourself so you are not so miserable when you get older...that's my plan, and I work on it a little every day when I remember anyways.
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sotired1962, Are you from Europe? If so, I understand where you are coming from. Guilt is killing me too. Don't want to repeat everything I write in this forum before...just see my posts...
I got tremendous help and advice here... And I thought, I was only one... Just hang on... There is , eventually, the light at the end of this tunnel. The question is, will you survive the darkness, in order to see the light..?
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i know this is an old post but as I read it, I almost thought it was me who wrote it! I moved to Texas to get out of the same state as my mother but I am now her caregiver. No one else would take her in because of her ways and the guilt from our culture to care for our own was killing me! its been over two years and my mother has become even more verbally abusive. I shouldnt have to keep her in my home and put up with crap! I dont want her money, I dont want to be paid for being her provider, I just need her out for the sake of my sanity. No one has been able to help me. I hope you found help
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My mom is 90 and very negative. She complains about everyone and accuses the maids of theft while she misplaces her things. She is very negative, uncooperative and very demanding. It is getting to be very difficult to be around her and I do get very depressed when I spent time with her. She is getting worse by the day. I feel bad for her but I have had enough of her. I am not sure what to do?
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when my mom speaks negative to me about me, i remind her i came from her body, example: she will say "your nasty attitude" and my reply "well I came from you, the person who gave me the nasty attitude." Yes, it may be childish but when i reply to her that "-I came from her body" she stop saying ugly things to me or when she says don't worry you gonna get yours, my reply "yes maybe I will but right now I am able to see YOU get yours!" Yes, it sounds mean- but she has been ugly as far back as I can remember and I need her to know I'm NOT going to allow her to be abusive. Now I hearing Joel Osteen say to me to NOT allow the flesh/feelings run my life, "they were rude to you so I'm going to be rude back to them". I'm ready to turn the channel....
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Wish I could get there she can still make me feel sorry for her and I go back just to take her anger again. My son-in-laws hi us a nurse says that the elderly arevery good at knowing how to manipulate you and I think he us right !!
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Are you sure you aren't talking about me and my mom? Oh my. The only difference is my aunt knows the difference. She plays on my mom's side while she is there for peace, but she so knows the difference. She is my saving grace.

I am sorry you are going through this. My mom is so ridiculous in her manipulation. My mom would be just fine if I gave up my life--my house, my kids, my husband and of course my dog. The dog is one reason she tells people she won't come to visit at my house. smh!! That's okay, because I have stopped talking to her. She can sit in her own misery, but I will not be miserable anymore... You should not be miserable either. It has taken me many years to come to this, but it feels so good.
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I feel your pain! God Bless You!
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Thanks country mouse I hope so
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Try not to let her get to you, Libby. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to think of yourself growing flaps over your ears so that you can just hear blah blah blah when she starts up. Go and see her as often as suits you: with that kind of care package, I doubt you'd be intruding. I expect you really need the break, so take it and enjoy :) - but there are likely to be teething troubles as she settles into the home - genuine, little things that you can nip in the bud - so don't let her put you off visiting when you want to. She'll do better if you're on board with the staff to give them hints and tips. They'll probably tell you what a sweetie she is! - but don't worry, they will also laugh when you roll your eyes. They'll have seen it all before.
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Country mouse she has grown fiat with lounge, bedroom, kitchen and wet room, carers there 24 hours a day 7 days a week, also restaurant so she can have a hot meal at lunch times, but still feeling guilty. When she speaks to me she is spiteful and does not have a nice word to say about the place, speaks to others saying how wonderful it is. My daughter us going to take over for two weeks to give me a break.
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Have you ever watched "Everybody Loves Raymond? Marie portrays the same personality as your mother. It was hillarious in the episode where they got kicked out of the senior home. One of the workers said, "She seems to be giving you a compliment when she is really insulting you.

You are like the embattled Debra who just puts up with it.
Just stop now and stop forcing your family to deal with her. You by your misplaced loyalty are ruining for everyone you love what should be a happy occasion. Without your mother it will be one.
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What kind of set-up is it, Libby? Are you happy with the facility?
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Have just put my Mum into assisted living here in the UK but she is being really nasty to me. I am the main carer my brothers live quite a long way away, but manage to see her once a month, the rest is just me. I had to move her from her flat as she was not coping (she is 97) . Do I just walk away for a couple of weeks to let her settle. Feeling very guilty, but my hubby has cancer and needs care, I could not do it all.
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Elmo, you should reply "I couldn't have put it better myself."

Since your mother insists on seeing it her way round, though, you might as well go with her view. Okay, so you are Dr Evil in this scenario, but so what? The important thing for her to focus on is making some kind of practical plan for her future, near, middle and distant. Tell her to stop worrying about you and concentrate on herself: given that you ain't budging, what arrangements are available to her that she would prefer?

She'll likely reply along the lines of "what do you care?" at which you may sigh heavily and say "yes dear mother, we've already established that I'm evil and ungrateful, but there you go - let's say I'm taking a purely academic interest…" It's a variation of the broken record technique, where you keep returning her gently but firmly to the subject in hand, namely practical provision for her independent - stress the "independent" bit, she'll like that - old age.

And if/when she loses it and hangs up on you, sigh again and carry on regardless. She wants to be angry, let her be angry. She wants to be accusatory, let her. Just let her be, while you get on with your life. And then, in the fullness of time, when she needs practical support for real problems, you'll see what really needs to be done and you can deal with that. But not by moving down there. There will be a better alternative, simply because nobody is indispensable and that includes you.
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I wish. My mother had the nerve to send me something today that said "Never pusha loyal person to their limit" and I had to laugh. She has been loyal to me? really? If anything it's the other way around. My aunt tells me she can't help my mom because she doesn't make that much money. Yet she and her husband have a timeshare in hawaii! And they go on vacation every few months!
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Maybe "mommy dearest" can move in with auntie...
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Absolutely you shouldn't back down, but even more than that this view of the whole thing as a confrontation, your mother's creation, is ridiculous and you should refuse to play. She's seeing it as: Option 1 you are a good and obedient child and do exactly as she says or Option 2 you are a foolish and unfilial child who casts off her mother to her own ruin... as though those were the *only* choices in the world!!! It's crazy. You can be a perfectly good and loving daughter without sacrificing virtually all of your own quality of life to a living arrangement that wouldn't even work to satisfy your mother's needs. Stand firm, and keep gently pushing her towards seeing all the myriad options she has available to her - that DON'T involve your living together!
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Even my bishop told me not to back down.He said that if this was the right choice for me that I should not back down.
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"Dear aunt, what was I thinking? Thanks to your abusive messages and disproportionate accusations the scales have fallen from my eyes - I see now that my best course of action must be to change my mind, sell my house, give up my job, isolate myself from my entire social circle and rush down to the middle of the desert to live with my mother and care for her for the next few decades, assuming I don't die first.

Yeah right!"
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No my aunt keeps harassing me on facebook. Telling me "How dare you treat your mother this way"etc. I blocked her. She thinks my mother is perfect because that is the side my mother shows her. But I and my siblings know the truth. My mother also keeps trying to pit us against each other and I am tired of it.
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When you fall on your ass don't come crying to me…

I want to live on the planet where this constitutes an apology. Saying sorry is something I myself am very bad at (it's like pulling teeth - the worse the thing I have to apologise for the more painful it is) so I am always on the look-out for new and interesting ways to do it.

Elmo, I am so glad that clear line-drawing conversation is over for you - well done! Of course Jeanne is right - "she'll be back…" - but you have successfully blocked off that one route, the one that leads to her living with you. Lots of other forms of guilt and accusation, sure, but now you know where you are and you know where you want to be. Good for you, I'm so proud of you.
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Good for you! Elmopalooza you know this isn't the end of the matter. Stay strong! You can continue to hold the line.
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