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Well I did it! Told my mom I was not moving in with her. And as I expected she gave me hell for it. tried to give me the sob story about "What am I supposed to do now?I can't keep working. I thought I raised my kids better then this" and crying on the phone. I do feel bad for her in that I know she is disabled and has issues but I can't be the one to take care of her. And knowing my luck she would live for 40 more years and I would have to kill myself. I talked to my sister afterwards and we both agree that my mom sees herself as this perfect mother who did no wrong but that is not how we all see her. Mom also tried to pull the "You don't love me"" card and I told her that was untrue but of course nothing I said was good enough. She says "You never send me Christmas presents" and I said "that is because you never want anything!" and that didn't help. She stlll bitched. I told her that she called me mentally disabled and she said "I apologized profusely for that" which she didn't. She THINKS she did but telling me "When you fall on your ass don't come crying to me" is NOT an apology! So before she hangs up she says "I'll talk to you in the future..MAYBE" and I just hung up. I can't deal with her. And my siblings can't either.Like the bishop at my church told me "She has to deal with the consequences of her own actions". She just can't see them because she sees herself as perfect and can't understand that she is so far from that.
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Wow. I am in the same position. I know I shouldn't have put myself in the position of caring fro my elderly stepfather or mother but I did. I hate it now though. My mother thinks she knows what she's doing but she doesn't. it's haer constant nasty snide comments I can't stand anymore. I can't stand being around her anymore. She does pay me though quite a bit but I think she would give me money regardless of whether I care for them or not. I am feeling like i need to just go away for a while and tell her i won't be over anymore for a period of time. I do two days a week from 8 to 2. my stepfather has dementia and my mother insists he can't be left alone. he actually could be for a short time. So I go there so she can have a break and go out for her walk,etc. She is his power of attorney so she controls all the money and care for him but she's doing things wrong. IU can't talk to her. She is rude and nasty to the nurses that come there I am a retired nurse so i do my share but boy I hate it. I am 60 now though and would like to live my life, that's the reason i retired. sure I need her money but I'm starting to think it just isn't worth it to be emotionally abused as she has abused me my whole life. She is 80,not that old, but insists on not doing anything doctors tell her. I feel guilty and don't know what to do. I am the oldest of three siblings my sisters aren't going to come take care of her.I think that if it's making me cry,it's time to quit.
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I feel for you because I too have a mother similar to this.She refuses to go to assisted living and has a list of things to do in the yard now that the weather is warming up. I get her groceries for her on Sundays and have a little visit with her, depending on her mood.... Thank the Lord she has caregivers who come to her home twice a day, 7 days a week. They change her bedding, make a lunch and small supper for her, administer to her various needs. She is lonely yes and wants us to visit.. but then again the conversations turns negative about my sisters and what they have said to do, and what they havent done for her... there is a sister who is out of town (4 hrs away), they talk on the phone almost 4 times a week... she is the shining star. She only visits once or twice a year. My mother has always been "edgy" and hurtful, she is esp mean to my other sister who lives near her....I think because she is morbidly obese like my mom, and my mom is not aware of her own physical appearance. My sister is like holding a mirror up to my mom.... Mom is very vain and finds fault in other to boost her self esteem up. What a great post, this has helped me cope with what is going on in my life... there are thoughts that I have that a loving daughter should not have with their mother.... in a perfect world.
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JessieBelle, Agree… That is why my first word in my first post here was HELP…
Desperately need practical advise… And I got it, on this very forum… Thanks to all… Now my mother has all doctors aware of the situation and monitor her behavior, eventhough she is not taking their advise, period. I found a lady who is with her 4 times a week, 9she is still get back at me the other 3 though)… I try to tune out when I leave her to go home… And firmly tell her that I am at work, when I am, and can not listen to her laundry list of usual "wants" and "needs" at 9 am… on a daily basis. List warries mind you… as soon as I resolve one item, it gets replaced with a new one…
She is not making any progress, but at least I am, thanks to all of you out there...
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VeryTired, to me it seems like there are two groups of people standing on different sides. One group says, "Save yourself and get on with your own life." The other group says, "You ought to do more and more. She is your mother, y'know." I am learning to try to tune both groups out. I would be pulled all kinds of different directions if I listened too carefully. I do like hearing things that I think might work for my mother in her present situation. The rest just fades to background noise. Everyone's situation is different, so we have to pick and choose what is right for us.
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I can't count how many times I was told by older people( as if it is even possible to be older than me, I feel like I am a 100): "What can you do?! She IS your mother..." It drives me insane! I want to tell all those people, I AM doing, I always did and will do everything humanely possible to do whatever i can, but what did i ever do to get thrown plates at, screamed at, and to be told all those horrible horrible things?!. She is amNarcissist, Bipolar to boot,'with horrible mood swings... She suffocates me with her insane "love" when she is in a good mood and crusifies me when she is in bad. And when she is enraged, I start to cry from total hoplessness... But, what can I do, she is my mother, right?
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Well, also, you can tell your friend that you prayed about it and God answered your prayer. The answer was keep saying no. Then I would ask that she pray for you to have the strength to continue saying no. Therefore, she can hush about you needing to pray. If she will not pray for you, then she needs to and can pray for herself for more understanding and wisdom. She just might need you to stand by her as a friend in a time of need. Friendships need to be two way streets and not one lane freeways going in one direction.
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Get your prayerful friend on here to get an education. Well.ray that she starts understanding and stops judging people for avoiding unbearable situations instead of falling into the rabbit hole and being unable to extricate later.
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I agree and see nothing to pray about, but do see the need for ongoing prayer for strength to continue to say no. Looks like you've been saying no since first bringing this up in July of 2014. Maybe it is time for no more contact as a consequence of her continuing to bring it up for the sake of your own health. When an intrusive, controlling person like your mother just keeps breaking the same boundary over and over again, there has to be some concrete consequences for her to bear from dong so.
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What really gets me is that my friend tells me to "pray about it". Well first of all, yes I AM religious. But I don't think go would want me to live with a woman who calls me mentally disabled because I won't tell her how much is on MY credit card. Prayer is great and I believe in it. But it's insulting that people use that as their solution for everything. And then my friend say "I can't make the decision for you" as if I ever ASKED her to!
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Ugh, Elmo - I feel a letter coming on, addressed To Whom It May Concern and opening "For the avoidance of doubt, I like my life, thank you all very much, and I will not be putting a bomb under it by moving into a shared household with my dearest mama, no, neither up here nor down there."

You must be tearing your hair out. Who put this wretched item on the agenda (as if we can't guess), and what do you have to do to get it [bleep-bleep] off again???
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Yikes! I'm sure she is much, much less expensive that other care options.
It's amazing what people will overlook to avoid having to make changes.

I hope you can make it crystal clear to the family you are not going to be the caretaker for mom in any city of any state. They are going to have to figure it out.
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Yeah how she got that job is beyond me. My mother a few years ago came to visit. My niece was 5 at the time. You now how kids are at that age. they want to do their own thing. It was summertime and they were getting ready to go to church. She put on a long sleeve dress. My sister(her mom) asked if that is what she really wanted to wear. my niece said yes. So my sister let it go. My mother however? She starts yelling at the poor kid telling her she is stupid and her friends are going to make fun of her! She calls two of my neices and nephews fat and lazy. She says my brothers kids are not bright,etc. So I worry about how she treats these kids she cares for but I don't know the family so there is not really much I can do. But she did get in trouble with them a week ago. My mom was staying with the kids for a week while the parents went on a trip. They would call every night to talk to the kids. You know 4 year olds. They don't like to talk on the phone. So the little girl would keep walking off. One night after my mom thought she had hung up, she scolded the little girl for not wanting to talk to her parents Apparently the parents didn't hang up either and heard it! She got chewed out. But she still has her job. So who knows. That's their problem if they want to keep her on.
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Elmo -no, people who have not run this gauntlet have utterly no idea. If your mom is a nanny, why on earth does she or your family think she needs you to live in for help? If she needs that kind of help, she should absolutely not be responsible for children in any sense. That sounds like a really bad situation to me.

It doesn't matter who understands what in or out of the family. You are an adult who gets to decide who you live with and where you live. You get to say "NO, I have my own problems and won't take on yours too."

Stay strong and don't let anybody run you over like a doormat.
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It's frustrating because people who I thought understand now don't seem to get it. Even my own sister. A week ago my mother had decided that me moving down to Arizona was not a good idea. That she would have to move up here. Not that I wanted that either but at least she was not trying to make me move there. But then my sister(who by the way can't stand our mother either) tells her that if I move down there and something happend to my mom that she or her husband would come get me! Gee THANKS. So now my mother has decided to push me once again to move there And my friend who seemed understanding in the beginning now doesn't seem to be. I don't know if she is tired of hearing me talk about it or what but now she is like "Maybe your mother is lonely. Maybe she needs you" And yet this lady KNOWS how my mother takes my money and such. And even IF it were true that my mom needed me?What can I do? I am in a wheelchair and have my own health issues. I can't take care of my mother who has Lupus! My mom says "WE can go on trips if you move here. Don't you miss not going anywhere?"an while I do my mother is in failing heallth. She is a nanny for 2 small kids and the little girl asked her one day why she walks like a penguin! My mom has arthritis, lupus and can barely walk. Yea I don't see us going anywhere. I said to my friend "If I did move in with her she would have control over my money again". I think I am done talking to this friend about my mother. She just doesn't get it because her parents were apparently perfect. People who have good decent parents don't get it! My mother didn't just start acting like this in the last 14 years. She has always been this way!
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Yogagirl - sounds like it's time for your mom to get some help in the house before Dad is gone. Having been through this, I can tell you that the priority to worry about is their safety. Mom's happiness level is no measure of anything. Especially not successful caregiving. You can be doing the best job physically possible by a human being and she won't be happy.

I would start taking measures to alleviate dad's burden and have a plan in place for the day when they both need full time 24/7 care. All too often on this site, something happens and the family is now in a crisis with no plans.

It all hinges on how much you feel that you can do (not OUGHT to do) and still meet your obligations to yourself and your own family, job, residence, etc.

Putting my mom into a place where the doctor came there, the pharmacy came there, and she no longer had to depend on me to get out made a HUGE difference in life. I got lucky and found a nice continuum care campus that has it all - independent apartments all the way to hospice. Have those people to support her and me has been miraculous. But there is no one right way to do it.

You can come vent here any time you want.
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sandwich, I love what you wrote. I read it the other day, then re-read it this evening. I couldn't write a more perfect description of my own mother. She doesn't look like a narcissist. She doesn't care much about her appearance. But she talks about herself, her childhood family, and my father like all was so perfect. There are bluebirds and butterflies fluttering all about her. Her family was perfect. Her marriage was perfect. She was and is perfect.

What is truly amazing is that apples can fall so far from the tree. My two living brothers and myself are so unlike my parents that it is hard to imagine that we are related.
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I so totally feel for you. My mother is 85 lbs of mean, blameful, and selfish. I feel guilty if I don't see her daily to make sure she's eating etc. My therapist suggested limiting contact. She is living in her own home with dad who is 90, super sweet and frail and their caregiver. She has bullied dad and us two daughters, has an entitled
cold personality, and now I'm responsible for managing all her Dr appointments, and household. It's healthy to vent and keep a good sense of humor.
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ELMO - A lot of narcissists live in a fantasy world and are very removed from reality. When things don't work out like the fantasy, they blow a gasket. Over & over. They never learn. Beware your mom's conviction around a fantasy and recognize it for what it is. Don't take the bait and try to make the fantasy come true. When you have to talk to her, you need to remind your mother of all the reasons you are so incompatible you could not possibly live together. Anything it takes to pop that fantasy balloon in her head. This is not a one-time conversation.

My mother had many fantasies over time that led to total disappointment for her. One was about how wonderful her marriage to my dad was. All she did was pick fights, argue, bicker, & complain about him until the night that man died of a heart attack. But ever since then, you would think she had been the prime example of a loving and affectionate wife to hear her tell it. She had a fantasy about needing a big house to do lots of entertaining after I went away to college and she was alone. She had a 4 bedroom house built and never invited anybody to come over for a social visit once because she hated visitors. She hated cleaning to get ready and any clean up after. She resented offering a glass of water. But she complained about how unfriendly everybody was in the area! Her fantasy around her old age care was that I would abandon my husband, children, bills, obligations, and career to move in with her. I would sit at her knee awaiting the next instruction, like a Golden Retriever, and devote the rest of my years to her every whim and demand. I’m no dog. Not even on a good day.

If this weren't your mother, you would have no question as to what to do, and that is RUN for the hills.
Just because your mother, sister, friend, lady at the checkout has said "It's going to happen" does not make it so. It will only happen if you let it. And if you let it happen, well....the outlook is not good.

When you are dealing with a borderline/narcissist personality, every word out of their mouth is manipulation. Even nice things are to coerce you. People are simply a means to an end – even sons & daughters. The bonds they do form are transactional. As long as you're of some use, they will keep you around, which isn't exactly a prize. The test is if the person has said something nice to you knowing there is absolutely nothing to be gained from it. A transactional person will say the nice thing and in short order expect you to "pay" for it in a way that benefits them.
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so true:)
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I think we all need to get a copy of our birth certificates and stamp "Paid in Full."
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...sorry hit posted by accident.
So anyway, she just want you to be ethernally grateful to her for "everything she is done" for you... And when she is nice basically to get under your skin with all that niceness. Don't beleive it for a moment. The mother who loves her child will not distroy her life, will not torment her soul, will not play the game of beingnice once in a bluemoon, justto get what she wants...
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don't agree. This is not what she REALLY thinks. As my mother says, this is the name of the game and , she never lost a game...
This game called manipulation. Yhe thought process goes like this... My daughter's sole existence is to pay back for my sleepless kniggts ehen she was a baby, for
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"Your little hands were made to take
the better things, and leave the worse ones…"

Elmo, even if she only thinks you're a special daughter at highly selective moments, enjoy the moments. That's what she really thinks. Hold onto those for when she's being dreadful.
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Then today she says "You are such a special daughter to me"! I about choked on my pizza. I'm special to her until I won't do what she wants. Then suddenly I am mentally handicapped and incapable to taking care of myself! She did the same with my brother. Bitched to me yesterday how he didn't send her flowers for mother's day. But he wished her happy mother's day on facebook and suddenly he is her 'Favorite son"! GThough he is her only son. Even my niece asked if she was bi-polar and she is 16!
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Elmo, I particularly like the way your mother coats this in concern for your future: "I just don't want you to end up…" indeed!

Sweet of her to think of you. The lady is pretty good at this game, isn't she?

Thank her for her concern. Explain fulsomely that you will be just fine. You could, if you feel up to playing at this level, reassure her that you have made well-considered plans for your later career and retirement; but that of course it is a weight off your mind to know that she is settled in a salubrious climate etc.

Right back at ya, Elmo's mother...
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She is not giving you a choice. Translation: She is giving you a guilt trip. The choice is always yours.
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She says to me "Your aunt has had the SAME friends since high school" as if that is a terrible thing! She tells me that I am an adult and its my choice what to do but she is not really giving me a choice as she said about moving in together that "This is GOING to happen" I don't know if she is bipolar or what but it gives me a headache!
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No. please... Don' make the
same mistake I did... It will never work out and hell is not even close to discribe what you are going to go through... will not repeat what I already wrote before, but I can see you, miserable, and look for any excuse NOT to go home and see her, hear her voice and she will make your life miserable...
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*learned not earned
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