My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

rorawin: Spending quality, not quantity, time together is crucial. Is there someone you could hire, or check in to respite care. Maybe you can plan a weekend away or even just a night away. I can totally understand being an only child that the responsibility lies on us. I am learning to break free from the control and yet it isn't easy. I finally got my mom in AL. We almost moved her in with us, and I am so glad I didn't. She reminds me everyday that she is miserable but think how miserable we would be if she were here. It seems you already know. It is not worth your marriage to keep catering to her needs on your own. Find help NOW!! If your health is going down hill, think to yourself, who will take care of her when we are gone? After you have answered the question, that is who needs to be helping take care of her NOW. Best of Luck!

Sounds like your husband has never cut the apron strings and I don't see how you have managed to be so patient. Ya'll need serious marriage counseling in my opinion.

My mother in law has lived with us our whole married life! We are now retired and she stilk lives with us ( my husband an only child) . She has always been anti social, has no friends, hates her sister, and most everybody else! Our lifes are miserable! We can't leave her alone for more then a few hours, and when we do, she goes crazy when we return! I believe there are many underlying mental issues. I am very close to leaving my husband over this, as my health is diminishing over this! My husband has panic attacks, and gets so unset, im scared he may have a stroke! He then takes it out on me and theres no living like this anymore! He won't even discuss nursing care! What do I do to preserve my health, marrage and my sanity!! I cant live like this any longer!!! HELP

Ashlynne, since she is in a nursing home, I can't see that you could have any obligation for further involvement with her. I'm sure I would not - probably I'd demand a public guardian and never hear from her or about her again. My sister is a court clerk and told me about a case where any and all contact from mom has to go through the judge first. Mom cannot send so much as a birthday card, much less actually call her daughter. Really, she may be a biological mom, but as for the rest.....

Yep, my mother was an evil,manipulative narcissist her whole life. After living with the witch for 50 years and taking her daily abuse my father's heart gave out. I blame her for his early death. I quit my career, sold my home and moved 200 miles to care for her (purely out of duty) for four hellish years, trapped in her freezing basement, a mere servant to be used and abused 24 hours a day until she went into a nursing home 18 months ago.

It didn't end there - setting the government on me for misuse of her funds like a common criminal (dammit I have more money than she does) daily screaming phone calls until I became so Ill with the stress I had a black out doing 85 in my truck - it was either her or me. I changed my phone number, made it unlisted and visited once in a while The stress of years caught up with me and I was so ill I mostly hibernated all winter.

Last year I took her little dog to see her (now lives with me) and, then able to use a walker she was screaming to give her the leash so she could show it off. I refused. The little dog is a neurotic terrier (get like the people they live with) and screams blue murder at seeing strollers, wheelchairs and the like. I haven`t taken the dog back since.

A couple of days ago I took Lucy, a tiny kitten rescued off a back road, to see her. Mother is anxious for Lucy to come again so she can show her off but that`s not happening as so many of the residents are looney tunes and violent I`m not taking the risk of the kitten getting hurt.

I shan`t be visiting for a while and my phone is off the hook late afternoon overnight so the NH can`t bother me with every little thing - Christmas eve 4 phone calls late at night for a cut finger ... slap a bandaid on it and go away!
I go up and down. Tonight I don`t want to know any more.

All I can say is if you take an elderly relative in make sure they`re one of those sweet little old ladies (which is rare) otherwise place them in assisted living or a nursing home because they will destroy you.

I am a 63 yr. old daughter whose mother asked to live with me 8 years ago. My childhood was very difficult. My parents argued constantly; my dad was arrested for forging, etc. When my mom called me to come and get her (350 miles away years after my dad passed), my husband and I were going through a really tough time. I brought her here and my husband dies 3 months later. My sister-in-law passed about 5 yrs. later, and my brother did shortly after at 66. I am living through a nightmare. I cant reach her. Arguing is EVERY day~~~~please help.

my mother is bipolar, evil vile person. Last year my dad (who I held so high he had to look down to see heaven) was in hospice here at my home with stage 4 lung cancer. He always said "mom has to be the center of attention) he passed away in January. My mother went off her bipolar meds on purpose, she is in an outpatient unit for her mental crap, she plays everyone. I am in therapy for her, I am going to hospice for grief therapy for my dad. I have to lie to my mom and tell her I do not go to hospice because she hates them. She is vile and controlling. I caretake for her....she lives for drama. I have one friend left and she tries to end that friendship. My mom is selfish and verbally abusive. I say nothing anymore, wont stick up for myself and all she says is dads been gone for 3 months get over it and lets go shopping no she wants to blow his life insurance money. How sad to not have a mother,not have my dad here to keep her butt in line. She is killing me and loving it. Bipolar sucks.

I agree that many wolves come in sheep's clothing. Be careful not to hide behind the hipocrites and pray for those who are in need. Religious is a term used way too often. Religious is a "belief". Do not confuse being religious with a perfect soul or being. These people you are running in to really need prayers and are missing something. I would not consider them to be "religious" in the way they perceive themselves. Do not judge others by what you are dealing with. There are good souls out there. Good luck with finding a way to be the "bigger" person than your neighbor. No judgement rendered here to anyone.

Ash, I agree with you and Vstefans, too. Just because someone is religious doesn't mean they have a glowing halo shining.

On the net a few days ago I saw the news where this guy in a popular Christian rock band put out a contract for $1000 to have his wife killed. Yeeeeah.

And you bet there are some seriously disturbed religious fanatics out there. Nutjobs. Westboro Baptist church comes to mind... *shiver*

My mom put me in a catholic school when I was a kid. I mean, wut...??? I had no idea what was going on, no clue what they were doing or why and those nuns scared the pure T s*** out of me. *shiver* Needless to say, I didn't do well there. She took me out of there soon after, thank God.

What's that quote again...something about going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car... something like that. Yeah.

My neighbors Rhonda and Bobby don't push me. I flat out told Rhonda that some things would never change no matter what. I think she's just glad she finally managed to get me to start going to church after 7 years. XD

Ashlynne, no problem here! Decency and religion don't always go hand in hand in this crazy world. At my church we pray for "the people most in need of God's mercy" (its part of a popular Rosary add-on) and it obviously works because they show up at our door in droves. You've probably heard that a REAL church is"a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints", and how "if I ever found the PERFECT church, it couldn't have me for a member", and I try to keep that in mind. I still can't figure out how some nuns ever got to be so mean and ended up teaching in Catholic schools...my daughter ran into one who needed to be kept busy in the copy room instead of the classroom at her high school, though I've had the pleasure of meeting lots of nicer ones, most of whom also knew how to have a little fun. It's supposed to be about love. Really spiritual people shouldn't drive you to drink, unless they are taking you to the bar and buying a round for everyone. (Just my $0.02, knowing though my Baptist friends are all now aghast, Stes. Hildegarde and Brigid would highly approve... they've probably found out for sure by now whether Heaven includes a beautiful lake filled with beer :-)

Sorry if my sentiments were misread. I firmly believe that anyone has the right to be whatever they wish and believe in what they choose and that is a personal choice. I grew up Church of England, whatever that is - we never went to church - and I believe that whatever path you choose being a decent human day to day is what matters. After all you can kill someone on Saturday and still go to church on Sunday which I find quite absurd, but that's just me.

As a kid I went to a catholic elementary school (goodness knows why). The nuns were extremely cruel and we were all terrified of them. My stint there ended when one pushed me down a flight of stairs - after more than 60 years I can still see her quite clearly.

My neighbour across the road is a born again christian and impossible to deal with, a recluse who never leaves the house. When I first moved in she tried to latch on to me, no doubt hoping for a "convert" and carrying on continually that the saviour would always take care of me. Great! Here's the keys to the tractor, have him drop by and mow my acreage. Disagree with her about anything and she says "that's satan talking", continue to disagree and she starts jumping up and down screaming quotes from the bible. She's also big on anti government, anti cop, anti just about everything and everyone and conspiracy theories, i.e. she's a nutbar.

One day last summer I snapped and threw her screaming a** off my front lawn. Her hubby is a meek, decent sort and seems quite afraid of her. He has grown children from a prior marriage who will have nothing to do with him which is sad. In the year and a half I've lived there there hasn't been one visitor to their house. No, I don't watch them, my little dog screams at the front window when she sees or hears (or thinks she does) anything.

I apologise if I offended anyone but now perhaps you understand why a lot of talk about religion sometimes puts my hackles up as experiences I've had with folks who are really into it have been ghastly. Each to their own.

Had I not been a decent human I wouldn't have quit my career, sold my home and moved 200km to live in a freezing gloomy basement with no income for four years to care for the mother from h*ll until she went into a NH.

Well said "standingalone". Let everyone believe what they wish, just don't tell someone not to do it.

You pick your friends and not your relatives. Diminished capacity or not, some people are just cruel and there is nothing that you can do to change the behavior or person. Just know in your heart that you did everything to make her life comfortable. However, realize you have a life as well and you have to make a conscious decision to live your life and enjoy your family to the fullest. We cannot be responsible for the happiness of others. That's why we have anti-depressants ;-)

I agree with Jeweltone. If someone wants to talk about their beliefs, they have every right to do so. Period. If people don't like what they read, skip over it. I think telling people not to speak of their beliefs is wrong. People have every right to speak of them and should if that's what the One is telling them to do.

I think the main reason that some don't want religion brought up is that it's such a charged topic. Nations go to war over religion, people go to war over religion. Sometimes it can get ugly, with one person believing one thing, the other something else and they end up brawling over their view. Personally, I wouldn't want to see that happen here either.

I respect everyone's right to believe, to live and to love as they please. It doesn't bother me to listen to other's viewpoints. I just keep my mouth shut if I don't happen to agree with them.

I love my neighbors Rhonda and Bobby who are Christians. They'd love for me to be Christian, too. I doubt that will ever happen, even though I do go to church with them and believe in God myself. I have my own relationship with God and I don't follow some of their views. They can tell me from now until Armageddon gets here that gay people CHOOSE to be gay. Uh huh. I disagree. I think gays were born gay, but R & B aren't hearing it...just like I'm not hearing them. lol I don't mind listening to anyone...doesn't mean it's going to change me.

Let's just all be tolerant. If someone wants to talk about God that's great. If people believe there is no God, great. Whatever floats your boat. As long as we don't mock others or start throwing down in verbal wars over it, we're good. Or should be anyway.

I know this is a bit off topic, but if someone wants to bring up religion and their faith we should have the right to do so. Everyone has their opinion about what is and what is to come. If you don't believe in the Bible or the here after, then that is your choice. Do not tell people that believe not to talk about it. That is your own issue so leave it to yourself. We are not allowed to bring up the Bible, being gay, being black, or other things that "bother" people. But it amazes me how people who are gay can do rallys for gay marriage, people who do not believe in the Bible or God can speak freely of that too. But it seems those that believe in the Bible and God are not allowed to speak of that freely. Something is wrong with that picture people and I am not staying quiet to keep you comfortable. I BELIEVE!!!!! and proud of it.

Ummm. I don't think they have an option to change the status from "currently caring for" but if there is and I missed it let me know. I'm, well, I guess guilty as charged about expressing thoughts that include religion, there are times its just a big part of the picture but, not intending to be preachy or any kind of authority though...best I can do on that. Now - just teasing - you do realize you just accused a *Catholic* of being a "Bible-thumper"? - I think Papa Francis would be proud, but then he's well known to be on the wild and crazy side. :-)

vstefans your profile states that your mom died in 2011, It also states that you are currently caring for her. Which is it? That aside, please let's not get into religion. Religion is a personal choice and bible thumping helps no-one so please don't do it.

Report from the trenches: you would think that since I'm literally the ONLY family member on this planet who is willing to spend any time with mom at all, that she would be nice. Oh no. 9.9 out of 10 conversations end with me having to just hang up because of her vile, angry accusations and "crazy talk" (that's a technical term). It's sad to think this 76 year old woman never did and never will have any ability to preserve relationships. None whatsoever. So, I have boundaries and I'm not afraid to use them. I always have to tell her that when she starts being mean and nasty I'm done. I'll walk out or hang up. She can try again another day.

Some people wasted their lives doing what they thought was right for them. They made others unhappy in the process, and the chance to love and be loved that could have filled this life with joy will have to wait for the life of the world to come. What do you call that? Stubborness? Selfishness? Inability to admit you were ever wrong so unable to take that step of repentance of change when the evidence of the need to do so is staring you in the face? It is what my mother had, and the answers to my prayers were that she was doing what she thought was right and that little bit of goodness she had in that would not be taken away from her, however wrong it was for the rest of us.

I believe in the life of the world to come, but I also believe in not wasting this one! My Jesus cared about the tears and heartaches, even the ones He was going to heal and make right. We did what we could to make those last years, months, and days fill up with good experiences and good memories, even though there was not that much we could do, and it became less and less. Just for background, we Catholics have a doctrine of Purgatory that suggests there is a chance to get cleaned up a little (or maybe a lot) before being ready for the life of Heaven...not all of us can grow enough from what we go through inthis life to get all that "housework" done. Recently I have had more of a sense that my mom has made some progress there, just a little more peace of a deeper kind that is letting go of past hurts, hopefully on both sides.

Here's hoping we all live a life that leaves us and our loved ones at peace at the end, not a ton of regrets for all involved.

I visited my mother in the NH yesterday afternoon. She couldn't get words out and was talking gibberish. I've seen her like that before when she was having a stroke. Got the RN to check her over. Blood pressure and everything was fine, probably had a TIA. Her ability to string a few words together came and went while I was there. In the 15 years she's had Parkinsons I've never seen her shake but her legs are shaking all the time now. Between Parkinsons, dementia and strokes her body has taken an awful beating over the years and I feel she only has a very short time left.

The notice board at the foot of her bed is full of pictures - the huge house she shared with my late father, them on vacation, cruises, Florida, her dogs, my old dog who was with us when I cared for her, my father in navy uniform before they married - memories. She feels she'll pass very soon and so do I.

Since changing my phone number and backing away I've not felt well, light headed and headachy, anxious, no energy, just staying home. Reflecting last evening I just found it so sad. She spent her life trying to be #1+, acquiring possessions, bigger and better, never lifting a finger to help anyone, not even her own parents, fighting with everyone for supremacy, including my father who she treated like dirt, yet she was never really happy with anything.

What a waste of a life. I came to this country with 2 suitcases, $100 and a roof over my head for a week and spent my life working my butt off. Now retired I plan to do some volunteer work and get out and about. I will not waste whatever time I may have left.

Seriously - enough with the cold and snow Mother Nature. It's up to my armpits around here and more is coming. I am sick of having to bundle up like the Michelin Man to be outside for just a few minutes. My snow boots & I growl at each other when I walk by. Ooof. I'm going to start tunneling to Hawaii.

Mom saw a kidney specialist last week and her function is down to 25%. More tests are scheduled. This is due to refusing to eat right, ignoring her diabetes, and having high blood pressure for decades. She's on 19 meds right now, and expected the kidney doc to give her more. She will not comply with insulin, taking her 19 pills, checking her blood sugar, or not eating so much dairy & dark pop by the 55 gallon drum. The phosphorus in it is really bad for someone in her shape.

Ultimately, she is so stubborn and belligerent that she won't follow any instructions or rules, and she'll end up on dialysis when her function drops to 10%. I sure hope they can bring it to her. I can't and won't quit my job or use up all my vacation time for this. My time off is for my little family to use on our family things. Not doing something totally hopeless for someone who did not have to be in this shape.

BUT, I learned something interesting. When she was little, before starting school (between 1940-44ish), she had a really bad kidney infection (Bright's Disease, which is a lot like "Dropsy" in that it means almost nothing.) She was bedridden for a long time and had to be carried around. The neighbor lady brought her cookies all the time. She says this went on over a year, but who knows. What I did figure out is that it went on long enough to teach her that you have to be sickly and needy to get attention and love. She's carried this on ever since and gets pissy when people aren't paying enough attention to her because of her many conditions. Sad. The world doesn't work that way anymore. Nobody goes out visiting to sit with the sick and shut in like they did in the 40s. The world has changed a lot since then. Patients are supposed to be really involved in their care and own a lot of personal responsibility for their condition. Mom hates that. She has never really wanted to be well. She's got her wish and it's only down hill from here.

She also feels no control whatsoever over her feelings. Emotions are like random tidal waves to her and are somebody else's job to manage. So there we have it. The roots of a lot of really negative behaviors that have only gotten worse over time and won't change. She keeps saying the doctor has told her to stay calm and stop getting so upset over little things, but she doesn't think she can. Her feelings are a roller coaster she's just riding. All kinds of things really upset her, to the point of tears and hyperventilating. Seeing a sad dog on TV, the snowplow going by, or her socks being on backwards. Or finding out her 72 year old sister is in rehab care for a stroke. It could be anything.

I too keep my phone off overnight, since she has a habit of calling me at 10 p.m. to rant about whatever isn't making her happy. Mainly that the groceries filling up her fridge aren't the thing she's craving at the moment, which obviously means she's out of food and I have to go shopping. (Nope! Not this time. I went to a food & wine expo with my hubs today.) Nobody's called to say she died yet, so I assume she's just fine even though I didn't overstock her fridge with food that will most assuredly go bad anyway. Once it's bought, she stops craving whatever it is. It's like magic.

It's raining here too, we need rain!! The rivers and lakes are so low. It snowed a couple months ago, I loved it! Only my second time to see snow fall from the sky. I use to live in a big city. I feed the wild birds on my porch and humminbirds. I love nature. Deers walk around on the property. I see coyotes, racoons and when I walk
the trails, I see eagles, deer, bobcats. I love taking pictures and sitting by the water. Really is relaxing till it's time to leave. I really enjoy this website too. I have learned a lot.
Thanks everyone! :)

I'm in SW Ontario, Canada. It's bitterly cold and I've still got 4' snowdrifts in the back 40. The wild birds are eating me out of house and home :)

Hi naturelover - no I am not in California, but in a different CA - Canada fairly far north, Right now our trails are buried in snow and the wind is wicked today, I will not be able to enjoy the trails for a while yet.

emjo you wrote : Nature works for me too. We have a green belt, and a ravine lots of trees and trails across the street - deer who eat my cedars, birds, squirrels...It builds you up again.
I was curious if you live in CA as I have the same across the
street? All this beauty, wildlife and fresh air helps!

Sunny they say it`s policy to call for anything, even the smallest thing. My phone is off the hook from 5 p.m. to maybe 9 a.m. There are A1 staff on duty 24é7 and a hospital 4km away. If there`s a problem I`ll deal with it tomorrow. I refuse to live on the edge any more, dreading, heart banging, stomach thumping in knots and be harassed or bothered by anyone. I`ve taken my life back.

Hi Emjo, so sorry to hear the meds aren't working yet - maybe they need more time? What kind of meds is she on? I might have missed some of your updates my reading has been hit or miss lately. Still rooting for things to work out so you can have some r-e-l-i-e-f.

HI Lynne, I hope your phone boundaries work out well. I suspect I will be in for the same challenge at some point in the future. Aren't nursing homes to some degree supposed to be able to handle things without calling someone all the time?

Emjo "detach" has to be our mantra. My phone comes off the hook at 5 p.m. every day, or earlier if I feel like it. I have no plans to visit in the next week, or two, or three or whenever ... if/when I can stomach it, if at all. If/when I visit I spend the next day, apart from basic chores, angry, miserable, exhausted and sleeping. Enough!

jewel - good for you. Things are moving. Even when your mum is placed you need to be careful. You always need to be careful around a narcissist. - detach detach - detach

lynne - visiting is a nightmare for me too. I talked to the social worker and the meds have not made any difference so far, so I doubt I will see her. It is too hard. Once the ALF called in the middle of the night when mother went to hospital. As usual there was nothing wrong with her. I told them to call me in the morning after that because there was nothing I could do till then, anyway. Hope your storm isn't too bad. I was born in Ontario and in your are there could be some bad ones.

SW Ontario and we're having nasty weather - rain, thunder and lightning. My hydro went out late morning but it was just the breakers tripped. I live out in the middle of nowhere and have a huge generator wired into the house but to fire it up I have to go out to the shed beside the house with a flashlight through snow drifts. Hope it doesn't go out tonight!