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Yes, it takes a toll on your emotional and physical health. I had never had a panic attack until a few months ago. I hope I never have another one. I started yoga and it has really helped me to learn to calm down. Tonight, the wind is bad and we are expecting severe weather. Her electric has flickered enough to mess up her clocks. She has called me literally 5 times in 20 minutes telling me this. The night time caregiver will be there around 8 p.m and I was brave enough to tell her that the caregiver will fix her clocks. She didn't like that answer so she called me again. I had decided if she called again, I wasn't answering because I know the caregiver will be there to take care of it. This has taken me many years to learn I do not have to be quiet to keep her comfortable. I am learning to back off and let her depend on others.
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Jeweltone go for it! I wasn't brave at all but I had a mini stroke while driving a couple of weeks ago, a warning sign, and it was either her or me. Even visiting her now is a nightmare. Visited yesterday (awful), then got a phone call at supper time that she'd climbed out of her wheelchair and ended up on the floor again. I spent most of the day today wasted, tired and slept a lot.

It's almost 5 p.m. and I'm about to feed my critturs and me. The phone just rang and I let the machine pick it up but there was no message left - likely someone selling something. The NH takes wonderful care of her but they call me for any little thing (policy), sometimes multiple times, which makes me crazy.

Going forward my phone comes off the hook at 5 p.m. and stays off until I get up in the morning. I'm no doctor, and if she falls, injures herself and is carted off to hospital I'll deal with that tomorrow.
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You are a brave soul. I wish I would have thought of that...changing my phone. I am finally getting mymom to agree to AL. Well, let me clarify. She is not agreeing, she just doesn't know what else to do--she tells me. I see this as an agreement, and I am acting on it. Once she is there, I am going to limit my phone calls, visits, and other things with her. I will also still do shopping or what she needs, but not always what she wants. I am like you, I need time away and some peace. I am hoping in a few months to go to the beach or somewhere peaceful and forget about the last 3 years that she has manipulated and controlled my life even more so than she did before. I realize her "lucid" moments don't last so I am acting quickly this next week and weekend to get everything done and move her fast. Hang in there and hopefully peace will come easy for all ofus.
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Nature works for me too. We have a green belt, and a ravine lots of trees and trails across the street - deer who eat my cedars, birds, squirrels...It builds you up again I am not surprised you are tired, ash. I think there is a reaction once the immediate crisis is over. I am not taking on anything. I haven't called to see if mother is OK in hospital, I am going down there next week to visit with the psychiatrist and social worker and not sure if will see her. I truly need some space from the stress. It was affecting my health too much.
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Have barn swallows every summer too. They keep the mosquitoes & bugs down, even following me on the tractor when I mow.,
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Yep I'm still sleeping in and napping under a lot of snow. I live out in the country and soon there will be hundreds of snow geese on the fields, the backyard tree will be in full bloom and the asparagus & rhubarb will start to pop up.

We have deer, wild turkey, bunnies and frogs/toads in the pond. Come good weather I sit on the deck in the evening and drink in nature and peace until the light fades. Nature feeds my soul and will help me heal.
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agreed - veg, chill, enjoy the uninterrupted solitude, do only what you want to.

Once I googled the phrase "Leave me alone", as I felt that cry in my heart. It led me articles on dysfunctional, narcissistic, manipulative parents and that that is a common need amongst their children. A light bulb went on in my head.

I haven't been able to sort stuff much the last few months so piles have accumulated. Some years ago I read of children under stress doing not well in school because stress changes brain chemicals. I know that has been happening to me and it affects how I function. Sorting is not something that comes easily to me anyway. Started doing a bit more today. Must be recovering a bit. (((((((hugs)))))) to all do good things for yourself.
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Ash, that's exactly what I want to do. Veg. Chill. Sleep. Enjoy the quiet. And that's it. And I'm doing it. And I love it. :)
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Sounds like just what the Dr ordered ...choosing not to be the victim is healthy ...wishing you bountiful peace and quiet
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After a lifetime of the cr*p I'm still shaky but for the next few days, or for as long as I need to, I'm vegging - staying up late, sleeping in and hanging with my critturs in the peace and quiet out here in the country.
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So glad ..just breathe and enjoy the life you've built for yourself :)
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I did it! I changed my phone number and made it unlisted. What spurred me into action? Driving locally last week I suddenly had a sort of hot flash and my vision went blurry for a few seconds. My mother has had strokes and my maternal grandmother and aunt died of stroke so it really scared me.

Met with the NH admin today and we've decided on fibs. If my mother tries to call she'll get "no longer in service" and staff will tell her my phone is out of order. That buys me a peaceful weekend. Next time I visit (bearing the usual chocolates, cookies, apple juice and bottled water) and she asks about it I'm going to say I rarely use it so I'm not going to bother and will just use my cell phone but there's no point in her having the number because I only turn it on when I want to call someone.

Of course I'll still visit, get her shopping and keep her affairs in order - she just can't get at me any more. Yay!!
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Thank you for this blog, glad I am not alone. My mother lives 2000 miles away and its not far enough. My mother's hatefulness is directed not only me but my children, which is really hard to hear, she says terrible things about them. My kids are all college educated, have great jobs, own their homes, great kids. My son drove 2000 miles and stopped in to say hello and all she talked about is how she felt he was overweight, that's all she got out of his visit. My younger son, she says to me whenever I mention him, "oh, maybe I would love him if I lived by him", who says stuff like that about their grandkids, drives me nuts! Most days when she calls I ring the doorbell to make my dogs bark and say I have to go, someone is here, I can't take her nastiness. She tells me if she could do life over again, she wouldn't have so many kids, I'm number 5 out of 6 in the mix, which really makes me feel great!
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Hey! How about a "you might get kicked out" sticker chart like I used for the kids. How about everytime you complain about the food temp noise tv children lights washing machine house you get A BLCK STAR. 50 black stars earns you weekly counseling 100 stars and you go to assisted living. Sort of worked for the kids. Insult me gets a black star. Then make a big deal like here mom when you made fun of me it got you a black star. Now you have 5 black stars...etc.
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Wow, I feel like I just wrote that myself. My kids were forced at a young age to "tolerate"my mom for my sake as well. I just tried to keep the peace to not hear my mom's nagging mouth. My mom is only 68 with dementia and she complains all the time, and always has. I am an only child and no one else to share the burden. Yes, I feel it is a burden. I have been doing this now for almost 5 years 3 years knowing she has dementia. It is terrible to feel the way we do, but they make us feel this way. I also think we feel bad because they make us feel so bad toward them. I am like you, I am ready for a peaceful moment with my family without worry what my mom will say or how she will react. I wish I could say the right words to help you know what to do, because I struggle with the same issues. I have been trying to get my mom in assisted living and she is refusing to go. How did you get your mom there? My mom tells me I am treating her bad by trying to get her to go there. She just wants me to do everything then complain because I am doing it wrong. Good luck, and hopefully one day we will have the life that we want and not the life our mother's made us have. HUGS!!
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The veterans can help with arrangements for placement, they do pay a portion of the cost, the problem will be Medicare, I know that a lot of these places require private payment for first year, don't despair there are places that will take medicare, the best place I have found the most helpful is a place for mom, they have all the information both state and federal and they can do most of the placement for you if you choose. Take a deep breath, I promise it will work out!
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Ditto here my fil is a miserable person and has been for a loooong time ..lived with us for 10 monthes till he grabbed the gear shift whille I was on the freeway because he was mad ! He's at a blind school right now and we are trying to find him a place to go after ..my husband feels so guilty ( with no reason.) Except the words from his father ...we are trying to find a place for him but we know nothing about this stuff government assistance ..vetrens benifits or what is our legal responsibillity ...I would feel sooo releaved if I could find a advacate counciler ...social worker something to help us or even take over the responsibility of finding him a place ..I fear if we don't get it done quick enough he will end up back here and will successfully hurt me ...any advice .
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I to have a mother that has caused a lot of pain in my life as a child and after many years of not speaking I have started talking to her and on order to keep peace I had to have a gathering before the holidays and tell her that my children could not come home, it was the only way I could have fun with my children and g-children! I have great holidays now, and her attitude towards me has changed don't really understand why, but this little fib made a difference, it has not changed her attitude towards life in general, but it has made me more aware of what I do in my own life, I guess i have to become a good fibber, to spare my family from her hateful nature, I don't know if this helps you, but I don't feel guilty about things anymore and I can give her a small amount of time to show her that I have not turned out to be hateful like she has been to me and it makes what time she has left a little better. Although I don't feel she appreciates it, I know I feel better.
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ashlynne I was just wondering if you could get two numbers....give one only to her. I heard of someone else with a fancy phone system who had a relatives phone number go automatically to voice mail. It didn't even ring to the house. I think I wanna find out more about this.
You can't have these people live with you. I just can't see it. I get told that all of the time from well meaning peope, "when are you going to let your mother move it?" and I realize that the people saying it have sweet mothers or slightly difficult mothers, not terrorists. I was at my mom's trying to arrange a driving service for her and she got really mean with the service, then she started hitting me. It's just too crazy. I'm 50, no one hits me ever just psycho woman. Like a rabid animal. The lady from the service was VERY worried about having this crazy woman dumped on her lap. You can't have abusive people living with you. What if your spouse did this? Would you stay? Would society expect you to stay and take the abuse? Certainly not. Get out of there. Whatever it costs just go.
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Emjo is not judgmental at all! She has a heart of gold, and her experience and "tell it like it is" attitude is appreciated by many here. You can look for support elsewhere, but you won't find a better place than this. Good luck on your search.
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Sorry that should have been to treadingwater ... see what this crap does to you?
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Karen you are not alone! I sold my home, quit my career and moved to care for my evil mother purely out of duty and that is what some or many of us do. My mother was the mother from hell and I learned to avoid her early in life - knocked me around and put me in hospital when I was 6.

After another stroke her speech is so slurred she decided she didn't want her phone so I had it cut off. Now she calls me from a hallway phone every day with wild imaginings, like when she can walk (been in a wheelchair for 9 months, can't sit up or stand alone and will never walk again) she's going to buy a big fancy house and furniture and find someone to live with her, care for her 24/7 and do all the work. Her shenanigans over the years have aged me terribly and my hair is falling out. Do I have it out with her, a lifetime abuser? What's the point, she's had dementia for years, an A1 narcissist and everything is about her. I'm going to have her phone put back on so she can drive others batty (she has no real friends) and change my number. I must act as she continues to plunge me into deep depression and I need to rebuild the life she destroyed.
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Karen - emjo really isn't the least bit judgemental - she just means, literally, why are you even in that situation? So many of us feel guilt about not personally delivering all care to our parent, however impractical or emotiona disastrous it may be. Maybe there is a way out you have not thought of, you never know. And ther really are financial pitfalls to be avoided..like my poor cousin who spent some time in a mental hospital after moving back in with my aunt, and eventually ended up saddled with a boatload of debt that should have passed on with her mom as well as a hopelessly hoarded house to deal with. And they had mended fences more os less over the years...this sounds just awful for you! No one should be unable to give themselves proper hygeine and live amongst undomesitcated rodents.

One thought is if things are far enough gone, you may be able to get guardianship (if you want all the responibiilty that entails - you may not, and no one would blame you!) rather than POA. Just be careful and keep yoru name off of bank accounts, bills, and credit cards.

My mom never quite got done trying to correct all my faults either.
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Not judging you at all, karen, just trying to understand. You wrote, "She is such a control freak.""She is the most hateful nasty person I have ever met." I don't understand why you moved in with her then, My mother is similar in many respects so I understand how difficult it is for you. I would never live with her. I wish you only the best.
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I came on here to get support not be judged emjo. Thanks for showing me what kind of forum this is. Ill be looking for support some where else.
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Karen, My first thought was, knowing how your mother is why on earth did you move in with her? Can you explain more about why that the house she is in is in probate made this necessary? It sounds like an intolerable situation for you. You need to have your own life separate from hers. You say her spending is out of control and could make both of you homeless. This implies that your finances are tied in with hers. Are you financially dependent on her? A little more information would be helpful unless you are just venting, in which case, good luck. Looks like it will only get worse.
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Karen, let me give you the best advice ever... No POA, no care giving. Period. You don't even want to know about the hassles you'll be confronted with and you don't what to even think about what could happen to you in the future without one.

If you're able to, leave and don't take this role on unless you won't mind years of misery. My mom was quite the same as yours. I'm an only child, too. Had I known back in the day what I know now, I would have run like a bat out of hell before I would have subjected myself to my mom and her issues. I feel I've just gotten out of a torture chamber after 10+ long years... God help anyone in this kind of situation without POA... You'll be stuck like a rat in a trap with no way out of it..
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I'm an only child who grew up with an alcoholic and abusive mother. I now realize I can add narcissistic. I recently moved in with her because the house she is in is in probate. I'm going to have to move her. She had dementia caused by old age and dialysis. She is driving me nuts.I can't do anything right. She micro manages me on Everything!!! I don't like her. There are moments that she is sweet. I'm waiting for that shoe to fall. She uses anything I talk to her about against me. I moved here from another state. I don't qualify for disability. I have cerebral palsy and possibly multiple sclerosis. She will not sign poa. She picks fights every single day. She wants to move back too Florida with me. I can't stand to be around her. She is such a control freak. I can't watch tv. I can't take showers because it makes the facet leak. We have mice and rats in the house. There are feral cats in the back yard. My mother is escalating I know the physical abuse will start with her. She will try to slap or hit me then tell the police I hurt her. I'm bitter and resentful.She tells me all the time how I ruined her life. She is the most hateful nasty person I have ever met. She is so sweet topeople in the public. It makes me sick. She is going to make us homeless with her spending. If I try to manage her finances she amps up the nastiness. Who wants to pet a porcupine.
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my grandmother used to be the wanderer. She would try and get into other people's beds at night. They had to give her her own room. I think in the end they got a screen door and she could see out but then wouldn't leave her room at night. She would strip naked before she got into other beds, way fun!!
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Ash, I'm sorry about your mom's decline. No matter what the relationship is, simply having to watch another human being going downhill and just losing themselves requires a backbone of steel. I'm sorry your mom has to go through that and that you have to go through it right with her... It's really hard...

What is the facility going to do about this wanderer? It seems to me that they should keep a better eye on this guy..

Sometimes with the way I've been feeling I don't even care about ever meeting a man. I kind of like being alone lately. It doesn't mean I want to be alone forever, but right now I'm liking it and would like to enjoy my solitude for a good long while. God knows I have reason enough to appreciate the beauty of solitude..
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