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Way to go Ashlynne! You're probably 50 lbs lighter already!
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My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered or are suffering through this nightmare. There comes a time when we hit rock bottom and know we must take a stand, but we think we're alone and we feel so guilty. This forum is a godsend, sharing experiences, receiving support and giving us the strength to do what we know we must do.

I have vowed not to call my mother in the NH, maybe go to see her no more than once a week and concentrate on rebuilding my life. Lifting out of my deep depression, this morning I'm taking my dogs to the dog park to meet up with friends and this afternoon I'll do some gardening. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I've got a way to go yet but I won't give in. You can't put a price on freedom and peace of mind.
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We are going through the same thing with our mother,, my father passed away on christmas night and we took her in and have done so much to keep her home.. Her frontal lobe dementia has progressed and she has turned into the same hateful self serving mother she has always been and add a sense of entitlement to that. Her eating always puts her in the hospital she refuses to eat healthy even though my sister n law came down this go around to bring her home and do everything right by cooking for her a cardiac diet. My son saw her in the kitchen eating poorly while everyone was asleep and the next day her cdiff relapsed and we had to call the paramedics.. She is awful to deal with telling us she is not sick and we are trying to get rid of her.. She even went as far as to tell my sister she owes her because she took care of her when she was little and sick,, saying how stupid she was to do that.. How crazy is that. My sister lost it and went off on her the other morning and then felt guilty.. We have decided she is going into a nursing home this time for good we are going to have the hosptial transfer her straight there.. I kind of feel like why kill yourself for a mother that doesnt remember, realize or appreciate all the effort and money spent to keep her home.. Bottom line she is never going to be happy she never has been. its tough but we have finally had enough
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Ashlynne, You father told you the truth so long ago. It's sad that your Mom has gone through so much illness, but in a way it seems like she's paying the dues for the misery she has caused you and your Dad all these years. The way she is now, and then, you are aware is not your fault and you certainly have done everything you could to make things better for her. I don't blame you for giving up - that in itself took courage (to push away the nagging feelings of guilt that seem to plague us). Sounds like you are an only child - you can still oversee her care and wellbeing in the NH, while keeping your personal distance. I hope you keep your promises to yourself. Prayers and blessings to you.
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Mockingbird, I think your did the right thing for yourself. I would not let proximity dictate who gets to handle her shenanigans. Personally I would pass her off to the sister who is in it for the money = let her earn it LOL. I think she did you a favor by revoking your POA. Whoever has it now is legally bound to see to her affairs.
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Dear Treading Water, You have NOTHING to be guilty about. From all these posts, you have realized by now that your Mom had a personality disorder all her life and it is made worse by her dementia and old age - Not your fault! Now that she is in a facility, make sure she stays there, and start rebuilding yourself and your family dynamics the way YOU want them to be. If you care to visit her at all, decide how much time you can emotionally handle, even if it is only 1 hour per week, and then stick to it. You will be surprised what a load is lifted from your shoulders when you do that (it took me over 6 months to regain my emotional and physical strength after my Mom went into a NH, and she was not a miserable personality- just very strong-willed and stubborn). Additionally, if she bad mouths you during your visit, I would tell her "Mom you are not being nice or respectful to me right now, so I am leaving" - and do it. Same thing every visit, until she gets the picture. If it doesn't sink in, you may want to stop going altogether - NO guilt. Only other thing I can think of is medications - drug interactions? something for the 'psychotic' behavior? It might help some, but I don't think anything is going to change her basic personality at this point - again, NOT your fault. With her out of your home, I would concentrate on myself and my family's happiness, and would leave Mom out of all holiday dinners, to enjoy yourselves first and foremost, and then all go see her later for an hour or so IF you ALL feel like it, and then go back home and have another holiday drink to unwind!! You're 60 years old, more than paid your dues, and deserve some happiness at this point in your life. I pray for you and all the other caregivers on this site.
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If she has been mean and nasty to you and everyone else for all her life she is lucky you've included her all those years past. In my opinion, you should spend holidays, which are supposed to be enjoyable, with your children and family members who are pleasant to be around. Your mother will complain no matter what you do, so I think you should help your children have a wonderful family visit that does NOT include the grandmother. To lessen your guilt, visit her the day before or the day after. If she starts complaining, tell her you don't want to hear it and leave if she continues. My own mother is the opposite. She is in a nursing home and her sweetness and friendliness have endeared her to everyone. She reaps what she has sown, in that staff members greet her, touch her, smile at her, and tell me how much they love her every day. She never complains, although to be honest she has a lot she COULD complaint about -- chronic pain, lack of mobility and independence, loneliness for her deceased husband. But she chooses to exude kindness, compassion and love for humankind. People get it. She is surely an example to me. Several weeks ago we had a family reunion at the nursing home and spent four days enjoying her and each other. She had a blast! The love she's shared her whole life is coming back to her now in the nursing home.
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Betterdays, I'm coming in with a response around #75 after reading up to your post around #39, and Kudos to you for taking a stance. I was going to say how in the world have you been letting your brother dictate to you and make you do 99.9% of the work when he has 100% of the responsibility with his POA's?? He was not doing his job. I am so glad you tossed it all back in his lap. I hope you are truly free now and don't back down!! Blessings to you and everyone else that puts up with this abusive behavior from parents and siblings.
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I haven't called her today. The phone rang mid afternoon and I decided to let the machine pick it up. No message was left so I expect it was her. I'll have to answer it eventually or she'll call the cops. Yep, she did that once before "because I was worried about you". Like H*** she was worried - it's just a control thing. Despite her life long mantra of what would the neigbours think, I had four cop cars on my doorstep! Guess I'm going to have to ask her not to call or, if she continues to do so, change my phone number and make it unlisted.
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And I thought I was the only one who had the mother from hell. My mother has been a narcissist, mean, manipulative and spiteful her whole life, caring nothing about anyone but herself. My father passed away 15 years ago and shortly before his death he said "Your mother will never be satisfied with anything" - he'd spent 56 years busting his chops to give her anything and everything but she treated him like dirt.

As she could no longer manage alone - she has Parkinsons, has had strokes and unknown to me until last year, has had dementia for a number of years - four years ago I gave up my home and career and moved 200km to live in her gloomy cold basement to care for her. I couldn't go anywhere without getting a tirade over something or nothing on my return. The only saving grace was when she could no longer get down the stairs to come after me. My life consisted of cooking, cleaning, waiting on her and being verbally abused at every turn, when I wasn't racing her to hospitals due to increasing falls and injuries. Last September she had a really bad fall at 2.a.m. and was in hospital. It was clear that she needed 24 hour care. I looked at a number of nursing homes and, planning to move into the country, found a lovely one in a small village (she went there in October), bought a wee cottage on 2 acres not far away and moved in after Christmas. In January I broke my toe and for the next 3 months spent all my time running back to the city house to get it cleared and renovated (she never spent a penny on it and it was cosmetically rough) ready for sale. To start with she liked the nursing home but she quickly showed her true colours, being mean, demanding, manipulative and nasty to the staff and other residents and playing people off against each other. I'm all she has and she has no friends - drove away the very few she had over the years.

She's now refusing to eat much because "the food isn't to my liking". I've offered to take her something she'd like but she says she doesn't want it. I've taken her a little fruit which she always loved but she throws it out and screams at me never to bring it again. Two months ago she fell, broke her hip and can't walk any more. Since then she's deteriorated terribly, just skin and bone and even more hateful than ever, I dread calling her because she's so nasty and argumentative and it upsets me for the rest of the day. I've had it up to here and then some.

Yes, you're right, it's guilt because we're supposed to take care of our parents but she flatly refused to lift a finger to take care of hers as it was just too much trouble when she was living in a fancy house nearby, driving an expensive car, shopping for nice clothes and generally having a good time.

I give up. I've promised myself I will not call her or go to see her unless and until she can be pleasant and reasonable (fat chance!) before the stress makes me really ill. I just want to get on with rebuilding my life and enjoy the peace and quiet of the countryside with my dogs.
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My narcissistic mother has now revoked my durable POA and is spending like crazy. She thinks she can handle her affairs but is still asking me for help. She as caused SO much commotion between two other sisters, one of which is out for her money, the other has her head in the sand and thinks mom is fine. I live close to her so its me for everything. I don't want anything more to do with her. I did so much for the last 4 years, taking her shopping, where ever she wants to go. Now she is calling a cab and spending $60 per outing. Spent $1500 on a lawyer for the revocation. She is mean, swears like a drunken sailor, lies to my face, deceitful, always conniving behind my back. I don't want anything to do with her, no one else in the family wants her either. She belongs in assisted living facility, which she was at before demanding to live by herself. Don't know what to do, but I know she is not healthy for my wellbeing, mentally and physically.
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I think you have done enough live your life and be Happy.If you want to go and see Her go and if not don't go.Who says you have to put up with this the rest of your life.You have a right to be happy
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Wow, so glad to have found this site. My mom is 80... miserable.. her neighbours hate her.. all she does is complain about the stupidest things and my husband and I have just bought a home with a suite and she wants to live in it... NOOOOOO... been there done that. We had a farm and she put a double wide mobile on it and was the worst neighbour ever. I can't put myself and my husband through that again.. as it is we are taking her on a holiday next month and she's already complaining! What were we thinking.... Big hug to all the guilt ridden. Why should we feel guilty? I am 49 and sure don't intend to let her ruin my middle age...
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AnOnlyChild: Yea, every day is too much if she's a pain. if she were pleasant and fun to be around you wouldn't be posting, ditto about 80% of us. Maybe twice a week. Enjoy the life you created with your kids and husband. We support you:)
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I feel like I am in the same boat. I am an only child and my Dad was the kindest man and stayed that way all through his Alzheimer's ordeal. My mother is a nasty, self-centered woman and has been that way all her life. She treated my Dad poorly when he had Alzheimers. Guess what, she now has dementia and is nastier than ever. I have made sure she is in a good nursing home and until today, visited almost every day! I have had enough. I refuse to watch her mistreat her aides and nurses and me also. I am 63 and it is time I devote myself to my husband, children, and grandchildren. She made people miserable for years and now it ends. No guilt here. Went through too much of that and will not stand for it any longer. I wish her well and wish her peace.
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Dear Tread, been there done that. Although I am most grateful that when I was a little girl, Mom was very nice. But now she has dementia and is not all that nice. I consider the source and the illness. As for your holiday, I am of the opinion that you should not have her come to your place for Christmas. If you feel guilty about that, visit her the following day for on Christmas Eve. But there is no need to have yet another Christmas ruined. Take care and Merry Christmas.
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It is comforting (not sure that is the word) to know others have experienced the same thing with their elderly parents. I am convinced that my parents possess one "brain" between them. My father gives the orders, and my mother carries them out. Whatever comes out of his mouth, my mother believes is the gospel. She married him when she was 16 and he was 25. He cheated on her throughout their marriage, but she is so pathetic and weak.....she would never have left him. Together they truly deserve each other. They are both miserable, controlling, hateful, spiteful, jealous, manipulative and down-right mean! Listen, I may not be perfect, but at least my family (children) love and care for me. And I love them way too much to alienate them in any way, shape, or form. My parents get exactly what they give.....and that is nothing. They are empty and cold inside. Wishing things could be different and they would change is counter-productive thinking on my part. One day they may need me, but I may not be available.These people do not deserve my love, respect, or attention. It feels better to just say these things and not keep them all bottled up. God bless each and every one of you who is suffering at the hands of abusive and intolerable parents.
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I am 53 years, only child and dealt with a mother similar in behavior. I was blessed to have grandparents who taught me how to love her in spite of those ways. It took me until I was 40 yrs old to realize that her happiness only came at the expense of my own unhappiness. After years of therapy, the death of one grandparent and grandmother now being 95, I've learned to make choices concerning my mother based on me not her. It is not easy and I am a work in progress but PLEASE remember that they have had generations and/or years of knowing how to trigger that guilt from a child. Drawing boundary lines is not easy but that is what I did concerning my mother and refuse to let her close my heart to love. I love her in spite of her behavior, I speak what I will and will not tolerate from her, I have chosen to be happy and enjoy my blessing, and make the choice of when I will deal with her. Lastly, you are not GUILTY of anything concerning you mother because it is clear you love her but some people are just not able to return that love because their hearts are closed and wounds are kept deep inside themselves...that is not your fault.
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No you are not alone. I can totally understand how you are feeling. I've come to the realization that my Mom's nasty, negative comments about EVERYTHING is a direct reflection of the miserable person she feels like on the inside. She is so bitter and unhappy with no self esteem...I feel so sorry for her that her life is that painful for her, but that's on her. She made her bed and is now sleeping in it. I understand where the comments grow from, but it really doesn't make it easier to deal with them. Someone told me when my father was in the last months of his life and fighting everything that he is just trying to hold on to his dignity and remaining manhood. So much was being taken away from him that he was desperate to hold onto something. I'm trying to find a support group myself because I like you do not want to spend anytime with my Mom, but feel I should because I'm all she has. Just keep one thing in mind. It may be all sorts of difficult right now, but when she's gone you will never again have another "mother". So, try to cherish what you can, try to make her life as good as you can, because after she's gone you are the one who has to live with yourself. You are going to be the one to wonder if you did all you could for her. I wish you luck!
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In the old age the best place for parents is old age assisted care homes, because there they can find better facilities then home and there are many people of their age. Its seeming bad that parents live in old age home but that is the best place for them in old age.
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TreadingWater - God's waiting room! That is brilliant. My mom was narcissistic as is my MIL. MIL is living with us for now. I think because she is not my mother, I can be more objective of her behavior. She does get to my husband. The mantra we are living by is she complains about anything and everything. There is absolutely no way to predict what, if anything, will please her. So, why try? It is futile. Do what is best for you. My MIL gets royally pissed if we don't hang up the kitchen towel where she thinks it should go. She is utterly unappreciative, and sometimes downright ugly, if someone gives her a gift and she doesn't like it. Why waste any energy or guilt on someone who cannot be pleased. When you look at it that way, it is very liberating.
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Joan is very wise I would take her advice and folloe what she has to say.
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TreadingWater - obligation to parents is simply to help if they fall into destitution - nothing further than that. If your mother is in a safe place, then you have met all obligations and why should you inflict her nasty behavior on yourself or the rest of your family? Enjoy the holidays as they were meant to be enjoyed. It is not your fault that she is a miserable person.
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This is my second time to post in response. As the holidays are approaching, stay strong and push aside the guilt. Your mother has made her choice to act her way and drive people away.
My mother's birthday is on Christmas Day and I don't even want to send her a card for either because of her abuse. She lives two days drive away and I don't plan on going to see her. She is staying at my cousins house. My cousin and I talk frequently. The other day, my cousin told me that she thinks my mother is a little mean.....A little??? I warned my cousin when she wanted my mother to leave the nursing home to come and live with her. My mother needed to be in a skilled care facility and did regain her strength but was unable to return to her house which is a tri level. She had lived alone until last Nov. 2011. Then started falling down and having pain and hospital stays. I was going to bring her to the east coast and she took another fall and I decided the nursing home could keep her there until further notice at my mother being a self paid stay. Medicare only covered a few weeks of skilled care.
I had no brothers or sisters and put up with the abuse all my life. I am 60 in a couple of weeks and didn't realize the abuse until a few years ago. Moreso the past three years as my mother out right insults me terribly. Just thinking about her causes me to feel shaky (like post traumatic stress disorder) at times. I have to change my stream of thoughts to get off the negative things running through my mind. I wanted to get away from her as a teenager. WAnted to join the service to leave home easily and free in costs, and she said that everybody would be talking about me and acusing me of being a queer. This is the type of mother I had. I am reading about other people's mothers, and we all have been through alot.
I truly envy anybody who had a normal and wonderful parental upbringing.
My father is another whole abusive story. They divorced when I was 9 years old.
I know that most of us on this forum could write a book.
My husband and my two grown sons have never witnessed my mother's very mean side. She has, however, shown it to just about everybody else she has encountered.
I never knew my mother was a liar until this past couple of years. I have caught her in so many lies telling me what people have said or done, and then she trips herself and I know that she twisted a story. Very common thing from what I've heard from health care professionals. People want attention and say things to get sympathy.
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((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))). I would say do what is good for you. Yu have carried this burden for your lifetime, as have I. I am 75 and my mother is 100, and going strong, My question is how long do I have to wait to put this burden down? I hear you saying the same except that you will be consumed with guilt if you do not go.to visit her. I have not seen my mother since spring. She lives in another city which does reduce the opportunities I have to see her, but I feel no obligation to visit her when I do go there. Have you ever been to counselling regarding the abuse and guilt/ That might be a good place forn you to start, in answering your own question, You have done nothing to feel guilty about, and have endured a lot of abuse. She planted guilt buttons in you long ago, so you feel obligated to put u with the abuse, and those are being triggered now. It wouod be good for you to deal with the guilt. To some extent guiltt seems to go with caregiving, and the general advise is to recognise that, and set it aside - not let it drive your behaviour. Guilt is not love - to her or to yourself. At the same time, I undewrstahnd you dilemma. BTDT. When my physical and emotional health was negatively affected the past few years from my relationship with my mother, I had to draw firmer boundaries. Maybe that is what you need to do. Visit once a month, for example, rather than once a week. Protect yourself from further harm is how psychologist Pauline Boss puts it for caregivers who are caregiving parents who have been abusive all along, Good luck and let me know what you decide. I don't think anyone should take abuse. ((((((hugs)))))) Joan
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Thanks to all who have responded to my initial post. An update now is that mom is in the nursing facility in the same place. Her dementia has progressed and she now has ugly, nasty, and violent dillusions. She is totally incontinent and doesn't even move unless someone moves her (makes no effort on her own). However, she is still able to complain about everyone and now is starting to complain about me ......She tells everyone what a disappointment her children have been to her and when she's not aware it's me she complains to me about myself.........I am at a point of not knowing what to do----should I keep seeing her and get my bi-weekly dose of abuse or should I just not go at all and live with the guilt..........I'm tired of talking about her and now when anyone asks me how she's doing I just say she is in "God's Waiting Room"
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(((((((treadingwater))))))). It sounds to me thatr your mother is narcissistic. People like that are totally self centered and emotionally abusive. My mother is in an ALF and complains about the aides all the time. And she tries to suck me into things, and gets abusive when I don't cooperate. I am about where you are except I have pretty well shed the guilt. You have no reason to feel guilty. My mother has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and is narcissistic. I did not make her that way, and I can't fix it. What you have to do is protect yourself by distancing and detaching, Draw some boundaries. Brainstorm some ideas about h0w you can have a happy klife and enjoy your grandchildren. Narcissists will manipulate you through FOG -fear, obligation and guilt. You are NOT obliged to have her every holiday - especially when she ruins it for others. A suggestion - have your family holidays without her, and then if you feel you have to, offer to take her out for a meal instead, at some other time, or something like that, She will get mad, but what is new. You do not have to explain the change in the pattern - just either not invite her, or tell her the arrangements at your house have now changed. I have had to do that kind of thing with my mother. Eventually she has accepted it. You may have to develop a thick skin, as , if she is like my mother, she will drag others into it, and complain about you. My view has been that they will eventually figure her out, and if they don't, they have a problem too. I am not sayng it is easy, but it is better than having your life controlled by an abusive parent.

Good luck to you and others wrestling with this problem. ((((((hugs))))) Joan
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I GOTTEN ALONG WITH MY DAD I LOST MY DAD 2006 BEFORE I LOST HIM MYMOM ALWAYS ACTED ABUSIVE TO ME LEFT ME OFF TO MY BROTHER AGE 12 PREGNANT AND WENT TO VEGAS FOR 2 YEARS MY DAD WANTED TO KILLHER SHE CAME BACK AND GOT ME AND MY SON I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT BUT STILL THE SAME ABUSE UNTILL I WAS 17 I MOVED OUT THEN MARRIED TO MY HUSBAND I HAVE FIVE CHILDREN SHE TRIED DCFS TO BREAK MY FAMILY APART SHE HAD A CAR WRECK AND HAD TO BE PUT INTO NURSING HOME 2 YEARS I WAITED FOR MY BROTHER TO GET HER I LIVE 2.45 MINUTES AND ME AND MY HUSBAD HAD TO GO GET HER THEN TO NO APPRECIATION TILL THIS DAY SHE THINKS SHE DESERVE THAT MY HUSBAD HATE THE WAY MY MOM TREATS ME ALSO THE KIDS TO THEY ALL GROWN NOW THEY NEVER REALEY GO SEE HER THEY ONLY TALK THROUGH PHONE WHEN THEY'RE OVER MY HOUSE
I TRIED TO HUG HER SHE SNATCH FROM ME I TOLD HER I LOVE HER SHE SAYS NOTHING BAB CK SHE LOOKS AT ME WITH PURE EVIL ONLY PERSON I WISHED IN MY LIFE IF I COULD HAVE A SECOND CHANCE WOULD BE MY DAD I VE CRIED A DOZEN TIME WISHING I COULD OF LEFT WITH HIM BUT I HAVE SOMEONE HE'S SENT MY 2 GRANDSONS AND 1 MORE GRANDSON ON THE WAY DAD THANKS SOO MUCH FOR TELLING GOD TO SEND ME MORE GRANDSONS I KNOW IT YOU THROUGH SPIRIT
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YOU KNOW EVERYTIME I HUG MY MOTHER SHE KINDA HUG ME A LITTLE OR SNATCH BACK FROM ME .AND I HAVE TOLD MY MOM I LOVE HER SHE SAYS NOTHING AT ALL. I TRIED TO LOOK IN HER EYES SHE LOOK AT ME WITH PURE EVIL AND HATE FOR ME IN HER EYES THATS A DAM CRYING SHAME FOR I DONE BEEN THROUGH WITH MY MOTHER BUT SHES SICK AND STIILL DOES THE SAME HATE MEAN RACIST RUDE DOESNT GET ALONG WITH ANYBODY NEVER SMILE SHE SAYS I DONT SEE WHAT TO SMILE FOR I DONT NEED NO SMIRK ON MY FACE NOT IN A MILLION YEARS WHATEVER GOD GIVES ME TO LIVE I WONT BE LIKE HER I WISH GOD GAVE ME A LOVING GOOD NICE CARING PARENT WHY DID GOD GIVE ME HER
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im going through the same here dont no parent in no either sound mind need to treat the the child that god gave them like a non baring child of theirs.
my mother never said she love me i was abuse all my life my brother even abuse me.
im the only daughter my mom has she even want me to put my kids and husband
aside. she was and acoholic i was barley even born she drank while pregnant with me and smoke cigs myfather told me she wished she never had me before he died 2006 he told me this i was lucky to be alive. i have affects from being barley here but thanks to god immaking the best of it being here for my kids grandkids and husbabnd is all it takes to make me a better stronger person happier woman
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