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Cappuccino, I’m very sorry about the loss of your brother. Of course this will have had a major impact on you. I understand your frustration about having to wait for therapy - I remember every month I waited for someone to be available to help me seemed like a lifetime. I also understand those overwhelming feelings - I found Cognitive Behaviour Therapy helped me with these, which I underwent separately to eventually getting to see a therapist. Can you check this out online? It might help you while you are waiting to see someone. It is concerning that you have such a restrictive life, with your commitments to your mother, and no time to take care of your own happiness. CBT can help you identify a few simple activities that could give you some aspects of pleasure. I discovered through this that 5 minutes outside with a coffee, in my own space, helped a little - a simple action but a beneficial one. Also, being involved with this forum was hugely helpful: feeling less isolated and being among sympathetic friends. I hope we can help you.
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Thanks Chriscat and NotrydoYoda!
even just the awknowlwdgement helps to know I’m not alone. I definitely have skeletons in the closet that I need help in resolving. I have been in talks with my doctor about seeing a psychologist but they are unfortunately very scarce at the moment with the pandemic. I called and they said they had a 6mth wait and that the one that my doctor had recommended was not available for new people. It really sux putting your hand up for help but feeling like you are just left hanging. But I do understand the current climate. The feelings are overwhelming at the moment and it helps to just talk about it. I don’t have anyone else in my life,... Mum never wanted to keep in touch with the extended family and after all I’m in a different country. That’s another thing I find that I resent Mum for, the fact that I have no other person to lean on family wise, she’s cut ties with them all apart from a couple that I don’t have any kind of relationship with. I’ve lost touch with the few good friends I had because well,...my life is only work, caring for Mum & sleep.

I’m also suffering from the 2019 passing of my beloved brother who I had a very very close bond with. That alone has its own ptsd, the initial shock as well as seeing the spot (which had not been cleaned up) when the real estate handed me my brothers keys to enter his apartment. He had passed alone and was discovered 4 days after. His passing is what initially caused mums downward spiral.
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Cappuccino, my first thought on reading your post was that you need a therapist. Then I read Yoda’s response, so I absolutely agree with what he suggests. A good therapist should help you make sense of your conflicting feelings and enable you to find some much needed balance as you deal with your mother’s dementia.
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Capp,

Welcome to the club of us who have childhood memories that are painful to come right when that parent is declining. Please find yourself a trauma therapist who has heard of complex PTSD. It is the kind of trauma that some people grow up with like us. Your painful memories are not your fault. You can and must for your own well-being find freedom from them. I have tried a regular therapist but they are limited. If you are on Facebook there is a private group for survivors of childhood trauma. They are great. I wish you the best in your journey to freedom.
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I’m partially feeling this but I’ve only come to realize it just recently. I think I’ve suffered from the Stockholm syndrome in a way. All of a sudden my mums dementia behavior is highlighting things from the past, my early childhood etc and I’m finding it hard to bear. She has always loved me but in her own way. She has always ran away from her problems causing a lot of grief for the family or people involved and she’s never really been responsible. My dad used to go on about how nasty their divorce was,... I never wanted to hear it but basically my mum robbed him off his life / money which also meant that I as a child was affected. For instance savings my dad had for me to do well in life / get a place were all taken from dad while Mum did the runner. Mum was eventually made to pay a part of the debt (a 7 bedroom house / business plus a brand new car) but by then she was retired and only had to pay a small portion with the debt expiring a few years later. Don’t get me wrong! I don’t wish debt on her but my dad put up with it his whole entire working life. Surely if she didn’t run away from her problems,... they could have sorted it out better for the sake of “me” at least. My mum actually just left the brand new car at the ship station. That’s how cold she got when the business went downhill along with the divorce. She then took me overseas and told my dad he’d never see me again unless he signed papers for me to become a citizen enabling me to get a passport. I never quite understood the dynamics of this as well as a lot of other stuff and Mum and I became very close. I’ve always had a close relationship with my Mum and I’d say,.. there was a pinnacle of time when things were great. I was living on my own and all of this was behind. Mum was a more positive person and we got along just great. Now with her dementia personality,.. all of a sudden,.. I’m having all these feelings from childhood surface and it’s making me feel really uncomfortable. It’s like all of a sudden I’m realizing everything that I couldn’t see before. Her reactions are trademarks. All her reactions now bring back flashbacks and I’m struggling to cope with that. It’s like I’m now having to re-invent myself,.. find myself while also caring for her. Don’t get me wrong I love her and these are in the past but I don’t know how to get rid of these childhood feelings.
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Amazing to think that this original post is now over 10 years old and still resonating here. The most recent posts have got me thinking about the peace we all crave when we are afflicted by such toxic mothers, and how we wish to protect our own children from their behaviour. It is now nearly 6 months since I moved my narcissistic mother out of our home and into supported living. The process of doing this nearly broke me, with her resistance and rage. In that time we have suffered two bereavements but despite dealing with these, I have found an inner calm that has been missing for much of my life. By limiting my visits to my mother to just once a week, I have found a balance where her constant demands and bad behaviour are now aimed elsewhere and towards professionals, who can deal with this better than I can and who are not emotionally involved. It sounds crazy to say, but I can now get up in the morning without dread and stress about what’s going to happen each day, and can eat what I want, when I want, instead of having to stick to a predetermined regime of mealtimes and the restrictive diet imposed by my mother’s extreme fussiness about food. I can leave the house when I wish, to go where I want to go, without returning to sulking and petulance about being “left out”. When I am at home, I can choose to do what I want without being judged and without any enjoyment or relaxation spoiled. Looking back, I can see that for years my mind has been full of her demands, wants and toxic behaviour. There was no room for my own basic needs, never mind any wants, which might enrich my life. I was a prisoner in my own home with a limited life of my own. The freedom and inner peace I now have is only what most people take for granted, but when you have a toxic mother it is often out of your reach. To those suffering similar experiences, I would say that distancing yourself from this behaviour is not an act of selfishness, but one of self care - your own health and well-being must come first.
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It's comforting to know that you aren't the only person with a mother who has made you feel worthless and guilty throughout your life. Why do these women all live to be so old. Mines 95 and why is it mostly women who seem to have these issues. I'm emotionally exhausted by my mother. Totally drained. Thank God for my beautiful son.
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Are we siblings? You are not alone! Nor are you a selfish person.
Sounds very much like my mother and my grandmother! I feel so guilty and lost as to how to manage it. I've been widowed a long time before both of them and now just want peace. The manipulation, demands and negativity are getting to me so much that I don't want to talk or see either of them again. I want my children and grandchildren to have fond memories of the holidays.
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Sounds like narcissism.She has always been responsible for her conduct.Have ho guilt!
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My husband is this way, and so is his mom. I am my husband's caregiver and I have health issues of my own. We're both 60. He has secondary progressive MS, with cognitive decline, dementia, and depression. To him it's a license to behave any way he wants with no regard how it affects others. It's not just the MS, it's how he's always been. It's how she's always been. She doesn't have MS. Her sister had MS and my brother-in-law has it as well, but he's not as vile as my husband. There is a history also of narcissism, schizophrenia, spectrum disorders, suicide, manic behaviors...you name it. So I know it's not his MS alone. He treats me like I'm his trained monkey. What I can't get past is how all of a sudden if one is a caregiver all other relational dynamics are null and void? Like they have a license to treat you like garbage and we cannot stand up for ourselves because that's abuse? And the more you stand up for yourself, they get all worked up and upset. My husband even had episodes of erratic cardiac rhythm every time he couldn't just get his way, His every need is met. I do everything that I can, but I won't do what I can't. He seems angry that initially I was able to cope with the sudden changes in his disability so now he is constantly focused on sabotage.
Instead of being courteous, cooperative, and communicative which is HIS part to do; he's depraved, demanding, and delusional.
I may have felt bad for him at first because of his decline, but not anymore. All his bad behavior is coming back on him. Most of his family is blind to see it or admit it. I'm dealing with a clusterfttttt of ignorance jammed in an echo chamber
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JJHETZ, good to hear you feel validated, and no, you’re not nuts! I think many of us felt we were, until we came upon this site, and found out there were many many people feeling the same way and with similar experiences. We help each other. We vent. We feel better!
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Hello, TreadingWater
I was just looking for some kind of validation, that I'm not nuts, and your post came up. Its fascinating to me, because I could have written this, word for word. Except the part where your mother is in assisted living.
I know. That's really all I wanted to say...I know.
JJHETZ914
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I feel the same way and you are not alone. I too can’t take her insults and her always accusing me of everything. She is always and has always tried to control us all . I understand she is our mother and we are to respect her. Although , she does not respect us. I have always felt her anger and hate towards me the most. I could go on and on and on . I will leave it at that. You are not alone and neither am I. I can assure you that many more care givers go through this and more.
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LBA,

I don’t know if you found your insight on your own or with the aid of therapy. Your posting is an absolute joy to read. If only everyone could have your wonderfully fair and loving outlook.

Your son is blessed to have a mom like you. Your dad is very fortunate to have a daughter as wise as you.

I despise being caught in the middle of two people. You are brilliant for not getting in the middle of your mom and dad’s issues. I have had people in my lives that have tried to force me to take sides and it’s a very uncomfortable position to be in. I will step up and say that I refuse to be in the middle of others issues.

I also can’t stand if I have a dispute with someone and they ask someone else to step in that has no bearing on the issue. Again, I will tell the person that the matter doesn’t concern anyone else.

People can be rude, ignorant and inconsiderate. It is refreshing to see someone like you posting. Your post shows that you grew and learned from your experiences. It’s difficult not to become bitter and resentful when we are hurt and some people have to go through that before healing.

Getting stuck in bitterness backfires because we are only hurting ourselves and the people that we love. We aren’t harming the people that hurt us.
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Gershun, "run for the hills"! Exactly! Life is too short to be on the receiving end of toxic behaviour.
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I sort of understand. My Mother in Law is like this. I have nothing to do with her. I do feel guilty sometimes when my hubs wants me to go visit with her but I decided years ago that it is better for me to just stay away from her toxicity. It suits me better. The Christian in me thinks this is wrong of me but the instinct for survival that we all have tells me "RUN FOR THE HILLS!"

You need to realize that your mom's toxic personality will never change and all you can do is remove yourself from it for your own good. Try to not feel guilty and definitely don't force your children to tolerate her personality (or lack thereof)
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LBA, glad you found us here on the forum. Welcome! Many of us have had the experiences you have written about, so please be reassured that you are not alone! We come here to vent, as well as to offer advice. On a personal note, this forum has been so helpful for me, in dealing with my own difficult mother. I hope you will find it offers you the support you need.
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I just happen upon this forum. I have not spoke to my Mother for 11 years after years of abuse I finally stopped phoning. After no contact for one year I cancelled my home and went to my cell phone. I do not feel guilty, she can not hurt me anymore . I am 66 she is 84, she had my Dad put into a home by lying about his mental state making him out to be physically abusive. She is living a very nice life in style. The home is very aware there are issues where she concerned. To anyone who can walk away they do not change. I am nothing like my Mother I love and hug my son everyday . Do not repeat their legacy.
Once she put my father in a home I could visit and talk with my dad without my mother listening in on our calls. My dad's knows she has issues but loves her very much. I respect this and I keep our conversations and visits about the two of us I never put her down when i am with my Dad. I walked away from a toxic Mom and I have no regrets. For once I am in charge.
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Don't feel guilty, that is what she wants you to do. go on wit hyour life and go no contact, ok.
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Dont feel guilty or selfish. I don't care if she is Mom or not, don't let heelr cause you pain and unhappiness. Mom is miserable and wants everyone else to be too. I understand what you are going through. I love my Mother but I had to pull back from her and all the toxicity. My sanity is more important.
God bless you. I pray it all works out
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Cinjet, Ohio allows Qualified Income Trusts aka Miller Trust.

These are not DIY projects, however, it can get mom the assistant that she doesn't currently qualify for being in the "to much income" area.

I recommend www.nelf.org to find a certified elder law attorney that can help you get all of her and your end of life documents prepared and set up the Trust so mom can qualify for assistance.

Best of luck finding someone that you feel comfortable with and who can guide you through this whole process.

Great big warm hug!
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Cinjet, have you been in contact with mom's local Area Agency on Aging?

Consider a consult with an eldercare attorney about getting mom eligible for Community Medicaid.
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Have now read about 6 of the posts and all are basically the same story.
I would go no contact if possible and tell her to f off. Mine is 100 years old and still has the spunk and strenght to throw a loop in the conversation.--every single time. My daughter told me if you have to call, just monopolize the conversation so she has no time to say anything and then also call prior to when she will be having a meal so that you dont have to stay on the phone a long time. Call only 4x per month and stay on 10 minutes and do most of the talking,. See if this works for any of you .
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Hello, You are not alone, My mother is 100 now and she is the same as yours. I am repulsed to have to make the once per week phone call which used tobe maybe 45 minutes, now it is down to 25 min and the last time it was only 12 minutes with the first 2 minutes of insults and complaining. I am actually looking forward to her demise, however she has brainwashed me all her life and it is difficult to not think about the types of people tht I have attracted in my life to replay my upbringing.
for the life of me , it is so hard to believe that smeone would have the heart to act like this to another person, let alone their daughter. however being the scapegoat daughter I now at 68 years old get it. My sister is the one that is doing most of the work as she lives in the same state and I am thankgoodness miles away and have no desire to go "vist" her. she has only complained about my sister who, without her would not be able to continue to live in her own condo. My sister does everything for her and is much like her as well. I am looking forward to the day I receive that phone call.....it will only be partially over, however she has tainted my mind in many ways and I will be needing some counseling probably for the rest of my life. I a wondering how many others feel this same way. I am only doing my duty to keep in touch and play the game as I know time is ticking away. Really, how much longer can this go on...Why should I feel guilty, I took all her shit for 68 years and enough is enough.
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Hello everyone- I am new to this, and feel that it is time for me to seek some advice. I am an only child of an only child. My father left when I was two and I was raised by my Mom. My grandparents were always in the picture and I had a great upbringing. However, there were many moments when my Mom would have "episodes" or "outbursts". These have happened on vacations, in front of other family members, my kids; but she refused to ever get diagnosed. She is obsessive about things and is a constant worrier Fast forward to today. I am 59 and she is 83. My two children are grown and live out of state. She worked part-time up until two years ago. She is unable to drive now, and I am the driver. I work full time, try to help her, but I am exhausted and overwhelmed. She always relies on me, simply because there is no one else. I have looked into options of having someone come a few days a week, and she is agreeable to that, but funds are limited. She is in the middle of the middle class and cannot get any assistance from the state. Any ideas on how I can manage this? I feel like I have been taking care of her my entire life, and I am truly exhausted.
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Shert, welcome!

Look up Grey Rock. It's a technique that can be useful in your kind of situation.

You kind of have to give up the idea of defending yourself. Surrender to the idea that she will "win" any argument in her own mind, because if she didn't win, it would be the end of her (narcissistscare very fragile beings).

The only way to exit this dance is not to dance. Don't respond. Don't react. Say "hmmmm" or "I see". Or nothing at all.

Do what needs to be done caregiving wisecand then leave or go to your own space.
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I am almost 70 years old and have been under my narcissistic mothers spell all of my life. It is comforting to hear other people’s stories, but so sad that we haven’t been able to change our lives. I know that there are only two ways to deal with this 1. In the best way YOU can cope with it yourself, or 2. Completely no contact. I find it impossible to go no contact, she is now 93, as bright and quick to respond as she has always been, no let up on the nasty, nasty, bullying comments.
She lives only a mile away, and has recently told me that ‘it is now payback time’ she looked after me when I was a child, (joke) now it’s my turn to be at her beck and call.
But my overriding problem is that I don’t know how to respond when she is in her narcissistic rage! There seems no answer. I cannot sit back and let her get the better of me, so I say my piece, which makes her almost hysterical. I’ve also walked out, leaving her too it, on many occasions....but it’s dealing with the phone-calls after, as though NOTHING has happened!
Has anyone found a way of dealing with the questions like ‘I’m your mother, don’t you love me’, ‘why don’t my grandchildren visit’, ‘why are you always busy doing other things’, ‘you should be here looking after me’, and worst of all the absolute denial that they ‘NEVER SAID THAT’, and I’m ‘MAKING IT ALL UP’!!
You just want to scream.....I get so frustrated, depressed and in a state of anxiety.
is there no answer to it, just wait until the day she dies?but unfortunately like most narcissists, they live a long life.
My wonderful, wonderful brother, who was treated in the same way, died unexpectedly at the age of 62, two years ago, she only complains that he isn’t here to do all the jobs around the house. She hates his wife, who has no contact now, nor any of the grandchildren. I can’t believe he meant so little to her. He was my rock, we both went through the same childhood, and had total understanding and empathy towards each other.
Thank you for listening, and thank you for writing all of your comments which help me to know you are all there feeling the same way, with total understanding of how it feels to be a daughter of a narisstic mother.
A good friend said last week, ‘I’m fed up with hearing about your mother, just do something about it, you moaned all your life about her’.......not helpful in the slightest, I thought she was a good friend, but shows they have no idea how it feels when you yourself are in a loving mother and daughter relationship.
My husband is wonderful, unconditional love😊
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Dont feel guilty about having a peaceful and fun time without her. It’s ok to stay away for a while and not be involved. Refresh and rejuvenate your own mental well being. She’s being taken care of so it’s ok to check out.
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Has she had a diagnosis of dementia? Perhaps offer to take her to the doctor and ask the doctor to do a basic test as part of a physical. If you get that diagnosis, and she has this condition, then there are options in relation to her care that involve being able to put a buffer up to safeguard yourself and family. The personality disorder gets worse as the person ages particularly with dementia. The official diagnosis of executive cognitive impairment is important. It is a key step to future care and your ability to manage what will otherwise get worse. Unless you are prepared to live as a grey rock forever or go “no contact”.
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WTH?? I just reported the above post.
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