Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live; it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. -Oscar Wilde-
I came across this quote and it hit home with me today. I realized that my Mom is very selfish. I think most of my fellow caregivers have family that are selfish like this.
My parents had me because they wanted children. They raised me to LEAVE the NEST. They didn't pay for my college, my house or anything once I left the nest. I had my kids because I wanted children. I don't want my children to raise me when I am old.
I am on the last day of respite provided by Hospice, (Thank the good Lord for Hospice!!!!!) Before I bring her home tomorrow, we are having a meeting about Mom. The Dr. told her this is as good as it's going to get and that she can't walk without assistance. Mom was getting up by herself and falling all the time. Once the Dr. left she told me she is going to prove him wrong and get better. They are going to try and get her to understand that she just doesn't have the stability to get up and walk alone. (Good luck).
Anyway..... I decided that although I can't force her into assisted living or a Nursing home, I don't have to be the full time caregiver anymore. I plan to tell her what I am willing to help her with and anything beyond that SHE will have to be the adult and figure it out. I will no longer be at her 24/7 beck and call. I will no longer put my husband and children on the back burner. I have given up over 2 years of my life to be her servant and I am no longer willing or able to do that. If she wants to stay in her home, there are agencies she can call for the assistance she needs.
I have read so many stories similar to mine and I hope this give some the ability to separate love and servitude. We are NO slaves. We are children that love our parents but that doesn't mean we are to sacrifice our own lives to be slaves to the whims of our spoiled relatives. Yes, the spoiling was my own fault. When you hear that your parent has 6 mo or less, of course you want to make it the best possible time. Whoever, it is going on 3 years and she is just fine given her condition. I'm not going to do the 24/7 for the next 10 years. I am not going to feel guilty or get sucked in to her guilt trips anymore. I am done with the anger, the tantrums and the constant need for attention.
I will let you all know how it goes. Keep the faith, friends.
Thanks all!
SanityFOUND =D
I know it sometimes feel hopeless and there is no choice but to be the responsible and dutiful one. I felt that responsibility keenly as well. In hindsight, please know its okay to find other options for our loved ones. I wish for myself had stepped back and realized I wasn't coping well anymore. I needed to get help for myself and for my loved ones. I just wanted you know there is a way out, there are always other options. Maybe consider talking to social worker about your mom. Take care of yourself.
When she wants to be left alone, she leaves. She moved to 3000 miles away after her 2nd divorce. Moved back because she was lonely. Moved 1000 miles away for better climate. That’s ok, but there is no one there to take care of her. I told her before she left this would happen. She said “no one cares anyway”.
There is a certain type of parent that does not really understand their child’s autonomy, feelings, etc. When I had a miscarriage (I was a little older and it was almost a miracle pregnancy) she told me I was lucky my baby died.
What kind of mother says this to her own daughter?
She is confused about the feelings her children have about their own lives, marriages and autonomy. Especially as she is older now she is more angry than every that people don’t stop what they are doing to see to her needs. She lives far away and none of us is in the position to run interference from a distance. I told her over and over again not to move far away, but she wanted to. Now she is mad no one comes there. Well, they can’t afford it, plain and simple.
Every parent is different. Save yourself if your parent is making excessive demands that you find difficult to fulfill.
Some parents inspire devotion and it is great that they have adult children who are near to them and love to do these things. However, some parents do not inspire devotion and are angry and demanding. If that is your parent, sometimes no matter what you do it’s the “wrong thing”. Do what you can and let it be. It is not worth it to sacrifice your life for extremely self centered parents. We love them, but we love ourselves too. Take care of yourself or you will find yourself in a very bad position, especially if your parent is the self absorbed type. They will never see what your needs are.
Good luck out there!