My elderly parents have always been users, demanding, manipulative, sarcastic, and controlling. So, why would I think anything would change now that they are older? One can dream I suppose. However, now that they have limited computer knowledge, their bullying tactics are cyber related. My parents must sit all day and think up ways to push my buttons. They have now resorted to forwarding emails to me about my politics, weight, marriage status and whatever else they can dream up. And then, when face to face, they simply act like they never sent any of those things to me.
My nerves are rattled because of this and they know it. One of the emails said they question my intelligence because of my political views. I am the only daughter in our family of five. I live the closest to them, and I am the one who is called to take them places, fix things, cut grass, clean the house, organize, etc. Recently (within last few months), I have distanced myself from them. Not calling or going to see them as much. I am guessing this is why they are bullying me. I am single with grown children, and I work full-time.
They also call family members and gossip about me. My siblings know exactly how my parents are, so that doesn't bother me so much. But they also call my aunts, uncles, and cousins and their neighbors to discuss my business. I have been told by family members that these are the only parents I have and that I should help them more.....WTH! When I am around their friends or neighbors, I get the cold shoulder, so I know I am being talked about behind my back.
When does this stop? My parents are in their 80's and still sharp.....obviously. And when they have had health issues over the years....strokes, heart disease, eye problems, pneumonia, ER visits, hospitalizations, etc., guess who went to stay with them? Sometimes, around the clock....cooking, cleaning, shopping and you name it. I know it will never stop no matter what I do or how I react. I just needed to vent today. Thanks for listening.
Paranoid & delusional. Atavan calms the manic episodes. Any advice from all of you? I'm selling her house and buying a home inside my lovely active senior community. Hiring fun intelligent caregivers under the guise of private housekeepers & cooks!
1st Hurdle: Identifying what's really going on. Too many people in relationships like this, the abused person can't even see what it is, because they grew up with it as "normal", making excuses and reasons for it to exist, and believing desperately, when abusers tell them they'll never do it again.
2nd Hurdle: Talking about it openly--that's still a problem. And Reporting to officials--making a paper trail! Be persistent.
3rd Hurdle: Getting officials and agencies to listen and respond appropriately. Doctors need to properly evaluate and treat; Social workers need to properly evaluate, guide, plan and assist. Be persistent.
4th Hurdle: Learning to set firm, rational, reasonable limits on other's use of you, and your resources....and stick to them~!
And so-on.
Documenting injuries, documenting the daily verbals, has gotten a Little easier, but unless you take physical wounds to the E.R., or at least the Doctor, officials tend to not believe your reports.
If reports are not done within about 24 hrs of the event, tops, police tend to think you're faking it, and don't want to write it up--especially if you exist in an area with high rates of abusive behaviors per population-----they dislike writing reports anyway, and I've seen enough of those to understand there'a a significant error rate......which means, you must return to the station to file an "amended report" within I think, a 72-hr time frame.......if you think police dislike filing the 1st report, wait until you need to file an amended report!!!
Officials, Social Workers, etc., habitually fail to identify that abuse is happening to caregivers.......or do anything about it to constructively help. While I am sure there are some out there who do their tasks right, too many don't., especially in areas with slim resources.
Laws have been passed to protect elders and children from abuse, but Nothing to protect caregivers. There's so much lying, by abusers, to cover their behinds, be they parents or others, it's unreal...even judges cover-up, aid and abet.
BEST PRACTICE:
1. Get counseling that is supportive and helpful--not all are--keep looking if necessary. Tell the counselor you need more and better coping skill tools.
2. Learn to set rational, firm limits on other's use of you--and stick to them!! Setting limits, then changing them, lets the offender know they can keep doing it and get away with it.
3. Keep daily notes/diary/calendar of whatever your abusive person says or does; it's court-evidence, if you need it.
4. Talk about it. Take pictures of injuries for records. If one place refuses to be supportive and take reports, contact others. Online is a huge venue to talk, to ask advice, to find better ways to handle things.
Bullying and abuse can never go away, if so many people keep allowing it to go on. It happens every day, in large and small ways--mostly small ways, because few notice them....from the woman at the desk in City Hall telling a resident she was the only one complaining about the toxic VOC's in the renovation products [causing breathing problems], or a School Principal telling a parent trying to take their child out of a public school where he'd been bullied routinely, daily, for several years, "That's not going to solve the problem" while he reported it as child abuse at home....to police refusing to take reports of elder abusing caregiver, because the caregiver had to wait 3 days to call to make the report [no phone]; or telling parents not to worry--kids picking on kids teaches them to "toughen up".
Bullying is pervasive, insidious, and impossible to enumerate all the subtle, little ways of bullying our society tacitly approves of, often, because some are right on the edge of being OK and helpful behaviors.
But please understand: people tend to treat us the way we show them to treat us, too.
Each of us must Learn what we are doing that helps an abuser keep thinking they can do that......adult abusers usually teach children how to be that way as a small child......learn to identify that in its variety; what it looked like as a child, what it morphed into as one grew up, then, learn to be different, healthier in one's relationships.
It's really an eye-opener!
Keep holding to your Spiritual traditions, keep up with some friends, participate in your community--because that's part of "having a life"....and it can keep you alive and breathing, while you are trying to learn to do better.
Help yourself be the best person you can be, and leave the rest behind.
You can love and respect your parents--- from a safe distance!
Do what you must to achieve your bests self;
Find friends who are supportive and live on a higher level of happiness;
Choose better to be better.
We can be grateful even for the hard lessons, because those clear the way for better, if we allow it.
Love, with much Gratitude.