My elderly parents have always been users, demanding, manipulative, sarcastic, and controlling. So, why would I think anything would change now that they are older? One can dream I suppose. However, now that they have limited computer knowledge, their bullying tactics are cyber related. My parents must sit all day and think up ways to push my buttons. They have now resorted to forwarding emails to me about my politics, weight, marriage status and whatever else they can dream up. And then, when face to face, they simply act like they never sent any of those things to me.
My nerves are rattled because of this and they know it. One of the emails said they question my intelligence because of my political views. I am the only daughter in our family of five. I live the closest to them, and I am the one who is called to take them places, fix things, cut grass, clean the house, organize, etc. Recently (within last few months), I have distanced myself from them. Not calling or going to see them as much. I am guessing this is why they are bullying me. I am single with grown children, and I work full-time.
They also call family members and gossip about me. My siblings know exactly how my parents are, so that doesn't bother me so much. But they also call my aunts, uncles, and cousins and their neighbors to discuss my business. I have been told by family members that these are the only parents I have and that I should help them more.....WTH! When I am around their friends or neighbors, I get the cold shoulder, so I know I am being talked about behind my back.
When does this stop? My parents are in their 80's and still sharp.....obviously. And when they have had health issues over the years....strokes, heart disease, eye problems, pneumonia, ER visits, hospitalizations, etc., guess who went to stay with them? Sometimes, around the clock....cooking, cleaning, shopping and you name it. I know it will never stop no matter what I do or how I react. I just needed to vent today. Thanks for listening.
Give yourself a break and let them stew. Block their emails. If they need help, let them call your siblings for a change. Let your siblings see how it feels to have them threat them that way. I know this may sound cold but take care of YOURSELF and ignore them for a while.
I wish you only the best in your journey.
My 5 year old step-grandson has more compassion, intuition, love, nurturing, understanding, and kindness than YOUR parents and MY MOTHER EVER, in her life, COMBINED.
You may print this or download and forward as an email to them.
Mean people SUCK!!!
One more thing about email. You can block email from ever making it to the 'junk' file. You have to go to the source, which is the actual internet provider. For example I have Roadrunner but I get email through my Apple computer program called "Mail". Same would be true of say Explorer if you have Windows based computer and you also had an internet provider such as Roadrunner. You block it at the actual 'point of entry' rather than the place where you receive your emails. Call your provider and they can help you figure it out. It is important to do this because if it goes into junk mail it will NOT show up to them as 'undeliverable' and also you still will be tempted to read something that will upset you. Send a clear message that they can't mess with you. Repeat in your head, over and over "We teach people how to treat us". Some are less trainable than others!
I no way will I ever belittle or take a trivial attitude toward anyone on this support site. If not for the patrons here, I'd have never made it through the last 5 years of my life.
I'm sorry for anyone that saw my post and thought I was laughing at someone else's pain or situation.
Apologies.
But I understand hurtful. My advice: Make their email go into a special folder so it's not mixed in with your regular email. If you like, setup an auto response to their emails. Something like: Hi Mom/Dad! Thanks for emailing me today! I love you!!!
You don't need to read every email and take what they say to heart. If they've always been this way... age won't change them. It'll just make it worse. Medication will make even more painful.
I don't agree with people that say to avoid them. They are your parents. Even in their most worst rendition of Mommy Dearest, they love you. For some people, it's hard to be decent to others and your parents may not understand that the advice they give you (the forwards and pointers) are hurtful. They may believe they are being helpful. Don't despair. They may mean well... or not.
You can only control your response to mean intent. Not those that dish it out.
And as far as siblings go, remember they have been poisoned by the well also. It will be the really strong character who recognizes your pain, validates it and does the right thing. Like my brother, they were raised to believe they were better than you. What a terrible thing to do to one of your children.
My heart aches for you.
So, make it a tolerable situation. You have to do define what that is and do it. You can't expect them to comply, but you can decide how you're going to react to what they do or don't do.
As for the barrage of political emails intended to needle you...fire back. Obviously, vengeance is an ugly thing and we should all strive to limit our impulses in this area, right? BUT, you deserve an innocent bit of revenge now and then. Go to the sites of some organizations that you know will get them all fired up (you know – the ones that they think are destroying the country) and enter their email address to subscribe them. You didn't ask for their political views to show up in your inbox, so it's only fair!
I do not hate them but I am too mentally healthy to allow ANYONE to be abusive to me. My advice would be to get on with life. I have reached the point where I consider myself an orphan. I forgive them but I am done with this stuff.
Yes, I have a very dysfunctional family. When you ask where the other siblings are. Well, one is an aging and long-time drug abuser in another state. One died of cancer, one stays away but calls once every six months, one stopped speaking to them ten years ago, and the "baby" of the family has POA, pays their bills, keeps their computer current, and is their gardener. He is 15 years younger than the rest of us. He lives three-hours away with a young family.
I never thought of my parents as Narcissitic, but it all makes sense to me now. My ex-husband was also Narcissitic. I did not know this term until I started to research the reasons for my ex's behavior. So, apparently, I followed a pattern of abuse. I also looked up the term "Gaslighting" as Madge1 suggested. Wow.....so empowering to give a name to what I have been experiencing my entire life. No longer will I let my parents have power and control over me. Done!
My father cheated on my mother throughout their marriage and she is a bitter old woman. She spent her time following him around, complaining to girlfriends and family, and wallowing in self-pity. He told her to hit the road if she didn't like it. But she never left him because she had a very good life. So, we were neglected by both of them. They had so many problems. Anyway, I will read the book as suggested, distance myself, and love my children and my life. Thank you all so much for your insight and your suggestions. I feel so much better and will enjoy this beautiful spring day. (((Hugs)))
Yes, I have a very dysfunctional family. When you ask where the other siblings are. Well, one is an aging and long-time drug abuser in another state. One died of cancer, one stays away but calls once every six months, one stopped speaking to them ten years ago, and the "baby" of the family has POA, pays their bills, keeps their computer current, and is their gardener. He is 15 years younger than the rest of us. He lives three-hours away with a young family.
I never thought of my parents as Narcissitic, but it all makes sense to me now. My ex-husband was also Narcissitic. I did not know this term until I started to research the reasons for my ex's behavior. So, apparently, I followed a pattern of abuse. I also looked up the term "Gaslighting" as Madge1 suggested. Wow.....so empowering to give a name to what I have been experiencing my entire life. No longer will I let my parents have power and control over me. Done!
My father cheated on my mother throughout their marriage and she is a bitter old woman. She spent her time following him around, complaining to girlfriends and family, and wallowing in self-pity. He told her to hit the road if she didn't like it. But she never left him because she had a very good life. So, we were neglected by both of them. They had so many problems. Anyway, I will read the book as suggested, distance myself, and love my children and my life. Thank you all so much for your insight and your suggestions. I feel so much better and will enjoy this beautiful spring day. (((Hugs)))
One thing that helped in my family was to not let my parents' divisiveness work by simply including everyone in the family on every communication. You might prefer this to bouncing emails back, and it might be better: you are exposing a force that is destructive to all. Some narcissists know enough to behave better in public; they're sneaky with manipulation and if they can't get away with that they calm down. There may also be a flareup if they find out -- how dare you etc etc? Your response is, it's important for everyone to be in the loop. Don't think in terms of battling for people's positive opinions, because that is a total swamp and you will get sucked in. Just think in terms of letting people know what's going on. Having all your siblings in the loop is particularly important as your parents age. Also be letting people know what you are doing. What you are building here is a more collaborative future, which you are going to need unless you choose to divorce your entire family. On this forum people are saying, block and detach, and I agree; that's the emotional growth piece. For practical reasons I am ADDING that letting people KNOW "the facts, just the facts" in a totally clean way is one key to doing good stuff going forward.
madge, I will get the book you recommended. Even though my mom passed away, I have a need to try to understand what drove her to make my life a living hell. It scares me that I could have perpetuated her actions on my own children if I had not had the inner strength to rise above Most of it. I was nurtured by my father but not by my mother thank goodness.
My husband and I broke all contact with his mother several years ago and had a wonderful year of peace. When she was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer, broke a hip, and entered Hospice care, we were by her side until the end. That year of peace gave us the perspective to realize that she loved to the best of her ability...which sure wasn't what my husband deserved or needed, but we could not change her behavior. The only thing you can control is how you react and interact with them. Take control....and please don't worry about the aunts, uncles, neighbors....they don't matter. In the end, they will realize that you love your parents.
Many hugs to you.