My elderly parents have always been users, demanding, manipulative, sarcastic, and controlling. So, why would I think anything would change now that they are older? One can dream I suppose. However, now that they have limited computer knowledge, their bullying tactics are cyber related. My parents must sit all day and think up ways to push my buttons. They have now resorted to forwarding emails to me about my politics, weight, marriage status and whatever else they can dream up. And then, when face to face, they simply act like they never sent any of those things to me.
My nerves are rattled because of this and they know it. One of the emails said they question my intelligence because of my political views. I am the only daughter in our family of five. I live the closest to them, and I am the one who is called to take them places, fix things, cut grass, clean the house, organize, etc. Recently (within last few months), I have distanced myself from them. Not calling or going to see them as much. I am guessing this is why they are bullying me. I am single with grown children, and I work full-time.
They also call family members and gossip about me. My siblings know exactly how my parents are, so that doesn't bother me so much. But they also call my aunts, uncles, and cousins and their neighbors to discuss my business. I have been told by family members that these are the only parents I have and that I should help them more.....WTH! When I am around their friends or neighbors, I get the cold shoulder, so I know I am being talked about behind my back.
When does this stop? My parents are in their 80's and still sharp.....obviously. And when they have had health issues over the years....strokes, heart disease, eye problems, pneumonia, ER visits, hospitalizations, etc., guess who went to stay with them? Sometimes, around the clock....cooking, cleaning, shopping and you name it. I know it will never stop no matter what I do or how I react. I just needed to vent today. Thanks for listening.
Don't worry about what she is telling your other relatives. YOU know the truth about what she is doing. Don't share anything about yourself with her that you wouldn't want repeated, you know she is going to do that. Anything you say can and will be used against you like ammunition to put you in a bad light.
After all, the narcissist uses gossip and untruths to make themselves look better or worse, depending on the flow of their narcissistic supply.
I am very sorry you are in this position that I am all too familiar with. I have been bullied since my parents since I was born. My father died in his early sixties by his own hand which I'm sure he felt was his only escape from my mother. She continues her manipulation now that she is in her late eighties and living with us.
At first I used to "bite the bait" but now I turn a deaf ear and continue on with what I want to do, whether she likes it or not. These people will have you jumping through hoops to get what they want all the time. Just make sure you have an agenda of your own, and stick with it. Too bad if they don't like it!
Sooner or later you have to realize that it won't be over until they are gone and I know the hard work you have to do, because I am doing it too (especially the medical B.S.) but you are your own person and you are not going to get what you have always needed from them, they just aren't capable of giving it, so find other areas of your life where there is some enjoyment, and joy. Make a schedule that includes some time for yourself to do the things that YOU want to do.
If they rail against that and are constantly wanting things done for THEM, tell them you will fit it into your schedule!! Why should THEY come first? They never put YOU first did they?
Good luck and God bless. You are doing the best you can, and remember, it isn't you, it's THEM!!
Your needs are not being met, i.e., respect, validation and love. I suspect this is exactly as it was in childhood. You have been assigned a role. Now the hard part is not accepting the role and distancing yourself. You seem to be on a good path because you have recognized the problem and you are starting to make changes.
Unless you recognize your family dynamic for what it is, they will continue to hurt and manipulate you. They will never change. But you can. You really don't need their validation, you are an adult afterall.
I have the same situation, only my father passed several years ago. Now it is just my brother and mother. Both are disrespectful and hateful to me. Mom spreads lies and dismisses everything I say or do. My brother is the golden one.
My problem was I needed and wanted their validation. Something I never had. When I realized why I was so hurt and emotional because of their rejection, I realized I had never had any of my emotional need met, ever.
The definition of a narcissistic family is when the parent expect the children to meet their emotional needs. That was my family and my mother still expects us to make her happy. When you recognize yourself in the senarios of this book, it is liberating. Then the hard part starts of making the real changes. Good luck to you. I hope this helps.