Well, my sister just sent me the link to this site. I was amazed at some of what I read. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my struggles.
I have a mother that is relatively young (68), legally blind and diabetic. I moved her from San Antonio to my town in Missouri last year so that I could help her get her life back in order. I had been financing her life for the 7 or so months prior to the move (rent, food, etc.), paid for her bankruptcy (her 3rd, mind you), moving expenses, blah blah blah. It had grown to an insane amount of money in a very short period of time. I figured that it was better to move her up here where I could help keep an eye on her spending, her health, and all the rest. I was WRONG.
She lived with me the first two months, and the fact that one of us isn't buried in my back yard is a miracle. She has, in the span of a year and a half, taxed my emotional health and finances to the point that I'm about ready to divorce her, so to speak. There are never any sincere thank you's from her, no attempts on her part to either be more responsible with her money or to take better care of her health... and if I try to prod her in the right direction in either area, I am locked in combat with a woman who uses guilt trips and verbal abuse as a means to ending an argument that she can't win in any other way. She is constantly angry, self-pitying, selfish, and demanding. She expects me to spend my time, no matter what, taking her on whatever errands she needs to run, even though the Area Agency on Aging has told her repeatedly that they will provide her with free taxi vouchers to take her to whatever 'necessary' (they qualified this as grocery store, doctor, social security office, etc.) errands she needs to run. But she told me point blank that I'm her daughter and that's what I'm there for... that she shouldn't have to do things on her own just to 'make my life easier'. She destroyed the carpet in my guestroom when she was here for two months (brand new house) and feels no guilt about it at all.
I've got a lot of old anger issues with my mother, most regarding things that she put me through when I was growing up (physical, verbal, emotional abuse... neglect... blah blah blah), but I've still tried to do the right thing and care for her as well as I could. But that being said, I don't know how much longer I can continue having her in my life when she just seems intent on sucking me both financially and emotionally dry. Up until two months ago, I was still paying her rent every month at her apartment, buying her groceries, etc., and then found out that while I'm doing all that because she's 'broke', she was buying out QVC and sees nothing wrong with it. She refuses to manage her diabetes the way she's supposed to, eating a half-gallon of ice cream at a time and then going off on me when I tell her I'm concerned about her health and don't want her to eat that way. I get the same reaction when I tell her I want to help her clean up her space (she lives in filth and an unbelievable amount of clutter. Seriously unbelievable.) so that she can be happy and healthy. She's on all kinds of medication for her heart, her diabetes, her migraines, etc., but my sympathy is almost completely used up because so many of these issues are issues she wouldn't have, or not to the degree she does, if she'd just LISTEN and take care of herself.
*sighs*
I'm really sorry to go on like this, but I just don't know what to do. I feel guilty if I leave her to her own devices, but it honestly feels like she's killing me bit by bit every day. When confronted, she plays up the 'everyone's picking on me' angle, since she thrives on being the victim. She lies to everyone, she... God, what am I going to do? I don't want to hate her, but I'm afraid that that's what I'm going to be left with if something doesn't change. I have two siblings, one who tries to help as and when she can and one that does absolutely nothing. The one that does nothing? Mom still defends and dotes on HER. Isn't that always the way?
Any advice at all on how to either help my mother or keep my head glued on would be most welcome. Again, sorry for the length of my post.
Please take care of yourself. It seems to be a common thread in all of the issues that we bring up on this site. We are so wrapped up in the care of others that we forget ourselves. She is so lucky to have you. Good luck and take care
lovingdaughter
Carol
People come to the boards for experience, help, and possibly quite new to caregiving and struggling to cope. I am middle class and I work my tail off like many here do as well. People are having to take time off from work from a new job they received and scared they may lose a new job due to the fact of providing for their parents that they are choosing to do.
Again the beauty of freedom is you have a choice on what to read and not to read and I'm sorry you feel a bit of hostility towards those who are reaching out.
I am choosing to respond because I can only imagine how many jaws are dropping at this post.
Don't worry about grieving the loss emotionally of a parent or the words you speak to try and grab hold of how to deal with all of this. This is a hard road. I am glad that there is one person at least who will never have to worry about struggling to do what is necessary. notavictim please do not negate the issues that folks have on these message boards. People here have helped me tremendously and I treasure each of them and cry with many of them.
I have a few theories on changing your middle class status if you are interested :)
So she is my mother!! Anyway, In home Hospice has helped me with this, G has been up and down, there has been several times we thought she would be gone over night, but she always comes back up, only this time she won't come back enough to stand up by herself. she is going down fast and I see it happening everyday. I thank God for this woman, and pray for the strenght to go on, the patience to deal with the 50 questions and pretend to know what the babbleling is about, and make her passed on relatives get out of her bed, or leave her alone, or her brother (passed) to let go of her leg. I have to deal with the screams, the slaps, but you know, there are good moments, when she looks up at me and calls me an angel, Or I say goodmorning and she smiles and says Hi.
I learned that If I stop for 5 mins, and put myself in her place, If I truly believed that the words She thinks she is saying, In her little mind she is talking, not mumbleling, and in her mind, her brothers are picking on her, and in her eyes, she's holding a piece of bread in her hand and not the napkin she can't bite into. I stop and think about all the things this woman lived through, and went through raising 3 kids as a military wife, then helping raise 9 grnd kids alone with no husband, threw the depressin and wars, when i look at it that way, these little spouts I go through with her aren't so bad after all. Don't get me wrong, I have wanted to just smack her many times, but, No, just walk away, calm down, take a deep breathe, and go fix her lunch. I think we all need a 5 min break every once in a while to get our thoughts back on track. I will stop now, and continue to pray for patience for everyone dealing with these type of situations, God knows we need that, and he finds a way, for us to deal.
Thanks
And Carol's right, kycady. Hospice is for the family as well. They can help. Ask your Dad's Physicians to call them in.
Please get help with this, or you will be sicker than he is.
Carol
I thank you again, as I needed to hear your words of wisdom.
For those who are struggling with their parents, learn and grow to love the struggle, they are fighting against the disease, and a learning lesson for us.
For when they no longer understand, you will miss it.
In the flow, Jerome.
We did go to the beach that day. My husband, son and I took FIL for that drive. And as I walked barefoot along the beach for the first time this Spring, I almost ached that he was not with me. I took lots of pictures of the other three, but will not have pictures of my Dad enjoying that beautiful day.
With Dad though, I have distanced myself emotionally from him because it hurts too much, and I am tired of mourning for him while he is still here on earth.
Hope all is well with all of you, have a good night.
Phew!- so you have your hands full. Relax and let's look at this with some support coming your way.
I am a geriatric care manager as well as a caregiver for my "challenging" 85 year old mother. Caring for a parent or any loved one who had limited emotional resources while you were in their care is a tough haul- but not impossible.
You ask for suggestions and below are a few. By all means, keep what works and throw out the rest LOL First might I suggest a deep breath and while you are breathing let me commend and recognize your desire, willingness and compassion in trying to do the right thing.
WIth suggestions come a tip- a new credo. One to be said frequently and yes even outloud LOL I am action and solutions oriented. Try it... it works! Somehow it fortifies you with some renewed energy.
The QVC extravaganza- call up QVC and explain the cirumstances. Reiterate your mom is in debt and a senior and request a hold on the account as her daughter and caregiver. They dont want negative press and are ususally very accomodating.
The agency you refer to in your post... contact them. They often have a nutritionsit that does site visits. He/she will go over suitable substitutes for mom's sweet tooth. This way the information is coming from them and not you- a good way to disengage from a hot topic with your mom. One question though- who does the grocery shopping? How does the ice cream get into the freezer? You might want to ask that and plan a course of action accordingly.
Hygiene and cleaninliness- a common issue. Take heart and that same agency- call and see if there is a social worker who can link you with home attendance services. Ususally they are based on income (mom's) and their responsibility is cleanliness and a safe environment for the senior. Should mom have issues with that, you then have an ally for information, referrrals and support on how to further proceed. Again, this will allow you to disengage from a hot topic with mom.
Regarding " I've got a lot of old anger issues with my mother, most regarding things that she put me through when I was growing up (physical, verbal, emotional abuse... neglect... blah blah blah)" maybe ( I am rootin' for you to do this)
ask that social worker for some support. You deserve too!!!!!!
Be well and remember that credo! :)
Carol
I told my husband one of two things would happen with mom: 1) she would be miserable because someone "outdid" her; or 2) she would be in a good mood because then she would be the center of attention again.
Come last week when I saw mom she was perky. In her world all was right.
NPD what a horrible thing. I fight hard not to behave like her because I never want to be that miserable.
God bless!!!
So my mother started coughing dramatically and said she had slurred speech for the past 2 weeks. Coincidentally that's how long my MIL had been admitted by that point.
The following week I had to see her and let her know my MIL died. She acted bothered.
I told my husband one of two things would happen with mom: 1) she would be miserable because someone "outdid" her