Does anyone ever feel guilty about "airing their dirty laundry" on this or any forum? ?

This website has been a godsend for me.... in fact, I think I spend way too many hours on it each day, but it's a great escape for me. And in those many hours I have learned so much that I am trying to incorporate into my life. I'm afraid if I don't log in, I might miss a good idea. OMG, I am hooked.

H*ll no. Right now my drunk sister is telling stories at the top of her lungs, my father is being nasty. I can't get away from it. I am stressed to the gills. Dad eats little, sleeps all day, the end can't be more than 6 months off. my nitwit family is in denial about his decline. My nurse sister who does very little of the care, told me I make it hard on the rest of the siblings, because I don't treat Dad like a child but a grown man who calls the shots. If I didn't have this forum, I would go crazy. I love you guys, and your sage advice has saved me many times.

I would have had a breakdown if i didnt have a support forum i actually thought i was going mad and family almost had me commited as they didnt think mum had dementia so guilt "NO".

Maybe feel bad venting about mum as she was a good mum but with "dementia" all bets are off! this is something we cant deal with on our own and i think we are venting about dementia not them as they were?

Hi me, today is the first day I joined. I actually felt guilty talking to friends. They didn't understand and seem sick of hearing me. I didn't want any of them to take what I'm saying as complaining about caring for my elderly parents. I just need the support since I am single and don't have anyone for myself. After reading a lot of posts I saw that it's normal and ok to need to vent and voice my feelings. I am happy to help my parents but accept that I am human and need to recharge my own batteries so I can keep doing what I am doing. I am reading inbetween catering so it is keeping me company as I am sick in the house every weekend on beautiful sunny days

Thank you to the rest of you who have been answering! I know, you all are right but I still feel kinda guilty. But, at the same time, I feel relieved and wanting to help others here. You all have helped me and gave me a lot to think about and do :) I hope everything for you all is going well today

Bonni I laughed out loud about your guilt toilet analogy. Thnx I needed that

This website has been a Godsend for me. One of my siblings will listen to my worries and concerns about Mom, but when I get irritated about not getting any help from any of them, I get shut out. It's like they want to listen to her medical issues, but don't want to listen to the fact that I need help. (Brother did come take her out one morning not long ago to see a parade for a couple of hours - I felt like a liberated prisoner!) One sister will listen with an attentive ear and then say, "I'll pray for you". While I appreciate that, I would rather have HELP! The other sis simply denies anything is wrong with Mom and just kind of nods and smiles all the time, like she's just tolerating what I say and waiting for me to shut up.

So do I feel guilty about airing dirty laundry here, whining a bit and discussing the needs of the caregiver and the loved one being cared for? No, not really. I don't go into specifics about finances, etc....I don't mention family or sibling names....and I don't post anything so specific that anyone could identify me. Everyone needs a place to talk, rant, rave, blow off steam, and so on - I don't see anything wrong with posting things here to get feedback and ideas, as well as support. We caregivers have far too little support in our lives!

I don't feel guilty or embarrassed because I feel we all share some of the same feelings and experience. I don't wish what I feel and what I am going through on anyone. I hope that by everyone sharing,venting ,sharing it brings us all some peace. There are so many people in the same position. We just choose to talk(text) about it.

Me1000, I've been on website forums ever since they were invented, hiding behind a make believe screen name. Met a lot of wonderful people, exchanged a lot of good ideas, and had some aha moments that helped me understand what is going on.

Gone are the days of ladies chatting over the backyard fence. The internet is now our fence and we can talk to everyone all over the world.... what I find so interesting is that people in other countries have the same family dynamics :]

My Dad is in his 90's and still uses a computer, but I don't think he has ever written a *comment* on a website. He is way too private, same with my Mom.

don't really have any guilt at all. I remain 'hidden' behind me moniker. there are a few who would know who I am but they don't come here.

Something I've noticed with me is that I am less angry inside when I share things here on the group. I can't share things with anyone around the neighborhood, and the family is not interested. It really helps to be able to be honest with someone without having them tell you something is wrong with you.

This makes me think of a recent email exchange with my brother's family. I told them Mom wasn't doing well. My SIL wrote back with some advice and told me that suffering could be useful in purifying our souls (or something like that). I realized that she had probably not been up close and personal with long-term suffering yet, so her statement was a bit naive. If anything this type of suffering can un-purify the soul by the emotions that are stirred.

Best part is for me and my husband to see others are going through the same things we are. We recently moved my parents into our home, dad is 94, mom is 90.

Thank you everyone for answering! You all are wonderful and have been a great help for me as well.

No guilt for me.. This website has been my saving grace..

What? Are my siblings going to see what I wrote about them? LOL ..They would have to give a crap first and we all know that's not going to happen..

I was lost in my care giving role and my AC friends gave me the advice I needed.. And they continue till this day.. Xoxo

Oh my. No guilt at all. It's not "airing dirty laundry" if you're anonymous, and none of us give out any details that would allow identification. I think the feeling that we're all in the same boat is one of affirmation and validation about our feelings of frustration, anger, sadness and pissed-offed-ness. It's a safe place to vent; venting often helps me to regain my perspective about what I'm dealing with. I've gotten some great advice about caring for my mom from this site. and I'd like to think that maybe I've helped a couple of people along the way. No guilt at all. and yes, I was brought up in one of those "perfect" families. My mom thought that life was supposed to look like Ozzie and Harriet. Really, she told me that. I'm still dealing with the fallout from that.

Nope. No guilt here. In some families, particularly those where there is disfunction of some kind, the family tries hard to present a perfect picture to the outside world to makes up for feelings of shame. "Protecting the family's good name" becomes a family project. Telling outsiders what's really going on is strictly forbidden. My husband's family is one of those.

As another commenter said, we're anonymous here. We're unlikely to run into each other IRL, so what's the harm in describing how elderly mom has taken to cursing like a sailor and 90-year-old grandpa threw a bedpan at somebody's head? Nobody here has said their elderly relative was the shooter on the grassy knoll (JFK assasination reference) so what's the big deal about talking about the burdens of caregiving?

Yes and no.

My only comment is I hit like on every post! Whenever I feel overwhelmed I read posts that put me in my place. I don't feel guilty but safe with friends here.
Thank you all.

Ohhh Cap'n.... you do make me want to "Google Earth" you!

At first yes! But not anymore because when you read others stories, problems, their daily life and it is similar to what you’re dealing with, it gives you a good feeling that you’re not alone.

if i get a simple nut rash ill scream bloody murder . no secrets here .
im not hard to find. Come to martinsville, indiana and look for the most animated object in the town . ther'll be a small dust cloud overhead -- some kind of saw running ..

I appreciate having read your question because it brought to light the truth expressed through the many posted comments that sharing with each other is essential for sanity. This website is the perfect place where we can do just that. Share and learn from others’ experience while being anonymous if that is your preference. It’s great! Your question was perfectly understandable and I can appreciate how your dad would have done things very differently in his day. For that time, he probably did the best thing by entrusting his concerns to a priest or other reliable person in the community. With today’s technology, we can share anonymously, or not; it’s up to each of us. I have in the past, and perhaps still do exercise great caution to protect everyone’s identity.
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One day while waiting in a doctor’s waiting room for my client to return, I picked up a few magazines from the rack and came across the “Aging Care” brochure. I was elated to read that the focus was on the “caregiver,” that’s me, and how we nurture ourselves thereby enables us to better handle the unusual circumstances we often encounter.

This is a great website because it allows each and every one of us to share our issues and receive valuable information from those with years of loving caregiver experience. So far I’ve only shared about one male client, but I’ve always been very cautious not to write anything that might reveal his identity. Personally, I don’t mind if someone knows my real name. (Should I be concerned about that?)

Sometimes I’d like to list the many (and I mean many) serious health issues this man must endure. I feel compassion and kindness for him. Even though he is sometimes plain ‘ole nasty, curt, arrogant, and let’s not forget MAJOR CHEAP without justification for it, I still like him and usually enjoy his company. He lives modestly and has plenty of cash to afford some of life’s simpler yet rewarding treats for himself, yet he cannot. The problem is that he has so many weekly doctors’ appointments that there is not enough time in the day. Dialysis three times per week, by-weekly infusions, and other treatments are what take up so much of his time. I accompany him on all his doctor visits. I usually drive because he is often not well enough to do so. There are days when he does like to drive, and that scares me, but I am prepared to grab the wheel and reach the pedals should it become necessary (I can do that). Modern medicine is keeping him alive which sometimes makes me wonder, but then that’s a whole other topic for me to write about.

The concern I had when I first used the AgingCare.com website is that my client might learn that I have shared about him on an open forum. I worried a little that there was a possibility, however slight, that he could find out himself, or hear through his own grapevine. So far he has never barked at me asking, “Hey Steve… is that you that wrote that question on www.agingcare.com about someone that sounded a lot like me?”. I’m not so concerned anymore because he is increasingly becoming unable to navigate the web without some assistance. It is sad to say, and even worse to watch as his memory becomes less reliable due to his ongoing battle with dementia. He is gradually isolating himself in his room playing games on his iPhone, but how stimulating can that be? His body continues to fail him and his condition is progressively getting worse. He is a real trooper, though, and will fight the battle as long as he is alive.

There, I guess I’ve said plenty about my own situation, but let that be proof that sharing about it helps me to get it off my chest, and if asking a question, I get tremendous advice and useful information.

Guys, thank you for being there. Big HUGGs!!

No not anymore. When I was younger, felt it was no one's business and had a hard time "sharing that kind of stuff". We were raised that way, what happened at home stayed at home. Not the way to bring children up. The older I've gotten the more I understand that by sharing we help each other.

I think too, once you find peace in your own skin it is easier to be open about problems and needing help.

Ditto on above! I feel zero guilt about airing dirty laundry. I wouldn't even care if anyone knew who I was. Maybe we could swap hours in caring for our parent's ? :)))

Love the guilt toilet ..... "FLUSH"!

Me1000, I thought it interesting you asked if anyone feels "guilty," not "embarrassed."

I don't feel guilt about relating family dynamics, or facts about my father's behavior, or even my own feelings, in hopes of ditching the bad, negative emotions - or - others having advice for me. I do occasionally feel something like embarrassment... then I just get over it. Being on AC and being able to open up about the things I'm experiencing as a caregiver has been a Godsend.

Nope, no guilt! I am always so relieved to see others feel the same way, or have the same problems. And I also get great advice, and hope to give some from my experiences. We are all different, but in the same boat in alot of ways.. some have no money or help, some have money and help.. but our problems are all so similar....and we try to help each other in this boat no one really gets

Just sounds like you were in a 'closed family'... so you are only feeling what you were taught to feel.... but like everyone here.... this is my safe place.... people don't have to read me if they choose not to.... but I still need to get things out of my head and heart sometimes...... so, no, no guilt...... and you get to share also.... like some one said.... no one knows who we are.... but we are a pile of caregivers that need each other and we learn a lot from each other... hope you start to feel more comfortable.... hugs

Me1000, I am here because I am too old to spray paint my frustrations on a boxcar or an overpass although I do enjoy seeing large colorful "tags" that say "FxxK CANCER" here and there.

Guilty, no, relieved to share the suffering and bewilderment, yes.

Perhaps a tiny twinge once in a while, which I dismiss, as I dismiss other feelings of guilt. We are here not to gossip, or bad mouth, but to get help doing our job as caregivers to the best of our ability. Women, in general,need to communicate with other women for support, information ideas... In doing so we share a lot of information, and feelings. Men, in general, tend to do as your grandfather and keep things to themselves.

Be yourself - do things your way.