As i posted before my parents live about 90 miles from me in a somewhat isolated area. My dad has beginning stage dementia and they refuse to downsize or move closer to me. I am the closest sibling...the others live over a10 hour drive away in different states.
I finally found them a caregiver...which is not easy to find in that area...well..she quit yesterday. I also found them a guy to mow their 3/4 acre lawn..he also did not show up this week.
My sister was here last week..spent only one day with us and took off. My brother says he will come in july if the stars line up just right and he can get away from work. So basically they are around but not really...and only minimally.
When i tell them the caregiver quit they say...ahhh..thats too bad. Then go about there carefree lives as if nothing happened.
My sister says blah blah you should tell them to move closer ..not fair to you..blah blah. Well..bye..dont want to miss my flight. Got to get ready for my next vacation.
My moms younger sister lives as close to them as i do...but she only goes there every couple of months...when the stars align just right. Now she will call my mom regularly and lecture her on useless topics but that is as far as that goes. She is retired..and i have a full time, stresss filled job...oh..my sister is also not working.
Im not asking for much..just to not have the entire load on my shoulders. My sister was telling me i should call this person or that...i told her you dont have to live close to them to make calls. The trouble is that she makes a few calls..a few minutes out of her day..then when it doesnt work out she shrugs and gies back to her life.
When she was leaving last week i said how it must be nice to just leave all these problems behind and go off to her life. She said...welll...i....dont...know what to say. Ok..ready to go to bed.
Anyway just wanted to get this off my chest..its been a tough week. My parents are turning into a full time job...one that im not handling well at all.
I have thought about getting them a dog.. but am afraid that might be one more responsibility for me... I'm not sure they can handle all that goes with a pet at this point in there lives.
The reason I ask is this: My hubby and I are animal companions (20 years now)We have taken jobs caring for pets and farm animals as well as property that have often lead to providing care,help and companionship to our human employers.We would feed the animals then serve lunch to our older human employers, do what needed be done around the house etc.
Sounds crazy but those who do care for animals are often more caring, more sensitive and far more reliable than employed caregivers.
If there are animals on the property try an animal companion and ask them to look in on your folks then report to you.This is an offbeat suggestion but in dire circumstances you often need to think out of the box.
Have they taken care of all their legal issues? Do they have a POA ? Will? Family Trust? This all needs to be addressed before the dementia becomes more advanced.?
I dont think my siblings or my aunt have any idea of the fear,worry,anxiety i live with every day. I told my aunt (who is 15 years younger than my mother). That i had severe anxiety and would wake up at night with my heart pounding and she actually said...what would do you have to worry about? So clueless..
Gladimhere..
We did pay the caregiver for her driving time to my parents house...and upped her hourly pay..so she was making more there then her other jobs. I hate to beg someone to be there and have her there if her heart is not in it.
Would the caregiver reconsider if you paid her mileage or time for travel? Mom probably did have something to do with it. Have you tried telling her that it is either the caregiver or moving because you WILL NOTbe able to help in the way she wants you to?
Yup, live independently, that is what my mom thinks she can do as well. But in my moms case it is Alzheimer's that causes her delusions.
I spoke to the caregiver and she said the drive was getting to her and she had an opportunity to work closer to her home. I do think my mom had at least some part in it tho because she was talking about giving her less hours..as she thinks she doesnt need her as much.,
I do think my mom would prefer for me to do everything because then it appears as if they are able to live independently...which is an illusion.