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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I think in your situation, i would write to my brothers and tell them that i have to go home in two weeks, that I've taken my turn and it's their turn to "step up". Then I'd do it.
Not sure what is available in Ireland, but if you died, your mom would most likely have societal support, wouldn't she. You may need to take yourself out of the equation for the support to appear.
At least you recognize it as emotional blackmail. And you have been accepting this treatment for a year and a half? Holy cow! If you are old enough to be married you are certainly old enough to run your own life. Mum will get mad if you visit your own home for a few days? So what? Aren't you mad at feeling trapped? Why is it your responsibility to keep her from feeling mad, when you yourself are constantly being disregarded?
If your marriage doesn't survive this, do not blame your mother.-Look in the mirror. Giving in to blackmailers seldom ends well.
Short of a jail, no power could have kept me away from my own home and my husband for 18 months. That is just totally unacceptable. I am sorry that you have a selfish mother. Too bad you are going to the unhealthy opposite extreme.
But. You have come to realize that something else needs to be done. Good for you! But you can't just leave your mother to be on her own. What to do? One way to approach this is to think about what would happen if you were run over by an ale lorry next week, and were in hospital in traction for six months? What would happen to your mother then? How much of that could be brought to pass now?
Of course Mum likes YOU to take care of her. But that is not the only option. I don't know what is available in the UK, but I'll bet your and your brothers could figure that out in short order if you are serious about ending the blackmail.
I'm not familiar with what's available in the UK. I think the first step is to try to get your mom to visit the doctor and you go with her. Or can you do a consultation with a doctor who specializes in elderly care? A Geriatrician is usually more amenable in helping the elderly than a regular General Practitioner doctor. Lay out your situation and say that it's time you move back home to Ireland. What are the options for your mother? Ask the doctor for recommendation or organizations that would help you. Also mention - if your brothers do live in the UK - that your brothers will be able to be there for her in case of an emergency.
Or you can call around and ask for advice/recommendations. If you're able to get all your ducks in a row - places, costs, etc... - you will be better prepared with regards to your mom, brothers. Is your mom able to care for herself and just have someone from the caregiver's association or nursing to drop by and check on her?
I also think that once in a while to mention to your mom that you will be going back home soon. Don't give a date because that would restrict you. If you don't leave when you said you would, your mom would think you're bluffing and won't take you seriously.
The position your mother is putting you in is most unfair. You need to be with your husband before that relationship is gone. I am surprised your husband has not put his foot down already. He is probably lonely. It sounds like you and your brothers need to have a meeting to decide what needs to be done so you can leave and go home. Your brothers probably appreciate you, since it has freed them from the worry about what to do about your mother. It sounds like it is time for them to step up to the plate to help.
Your mother probably is more comfortable with you than anyone else, but it does not give her the right to do what she is doing to you. I don't understand why parents do this to their children. It is like asking them to donate their lives so you won't have to face inconvenience. I have the feeling your mother would do well in a senior community if the sons will not share the responsibility. You are important and need to be able to live your own life. Your mother may live many more years and I wonder what would be left of your own life by then.
Sometimes it is not all about them. The caregivers are equally important.
Where are the Brothers? Why don't they move in with Mom er, Mum. Are you getting dumped on with this because you're the "Girl"? You cannot let yourself be emotionally blacked mailed by Mum and the brothers. Be strong, tell Mum and the boys you are not going to sacrifice your life and family. Get Mum in home help or assisted living. She'll yell and whine but it sounds like she will no matter what you do. Save yourself!
Posted too soon, sorry. Eighteen months ago I left my home and husband in Ireland to come to the UK to care for my Mother. My Dad has had to go in to a residential home with severe dementia, for many years he was my Mums carer but his health and mental state had declined to a point where he couldn't go on. I came over to help out and have found myself trapped here ever since. My Mum won't hear of any kind of help other than mine. I have not been home once in this time as she loses it if it's even mentioned, accusing me of leaving her to starve and piling on the emotional blackmail. I am exhausted and fearful for my marriage and my long term health. I don't know where to turn as my brothers think everything is fine and I should want to be here. I don't I want to be at home with my husband having my own life. I feel horrendously guilty and selfish for admitting that. I fear I'm heading for some kind of breakdown.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Not sure what is available in Ireland, but if you died, your mom would most likely have societal support, wouldn't she. You may need to take yourself out of the equation for the support to appear.
If your marriage doesn't survive this, do not blame your mother.-Look in the mirror. Giving in to blackmailers seldom ends well.
Short of a jail, no power could have kept me away from my own home and my husband for 18 months. That is just totally unacceptable. I am sorry that you have a selfish mother. Too bad you are going to the unhealthy opposite extreme.
But. You have come to realize that something else needs to be done. Good for you! But you can't just leave your mother to be on her own. What to do? One way to approach this is to think about what would happen if you were run over by an ale lorry next week, and were in hospital in traction for six months? What would happen to your mother then? How much of that could be brought to pass now?
Of course Mum likes YOU to take care of her. But that is not the only option. I don't know what is available in the UK, but I'll bet your and your brothers could figure that out in short order if you are serious about ending the blackmail.
Or you can call around and ask for advice/recommendations. If you're able to get all your ducks in a row - places, costs, etc... - you will be better prepared with regards to your mom, brothers. Is your mom able to care for herself and just have someone from the caregiver's association or nursing to drop by and check on her?
I also think that once in a while to mention to your mom that you will be going back home soon. Don't give a date because that would restrict you. If you don't leave when you said you would, your mom would think you're bluffing and won't take you seriously.
Your mother probably is more comfortable with you than anyone else, but it does not give her the right to do what she is doing to you. I don't understand why parents do this to their children. It is like asking them to donate their lives so you won't have to face inconvenience. I have the feeling your mother would do well in a senior community if the sons will not share the responsibility. You are important and need to be able to live your own life. Your mother may live many more years and I wonder what would be left of your own life by then.
Sometimes it is not all about them. The caregivers are equally important.
Eighteen months ago I left my home and husband in Ireland to come to the UK to care for my Mother. My Dad has had to go in to a residential home with severe dementia, for many years he was my Mums carer but his health and mental state had declined to a point where he couldn't go on. I came over to help out and have found myself trapped here ever since. My Mum won't hear of any kind of help other than mine. I have not been home once in this time as she loses it if it's even mentioned, accusing me of leaving her to starve and piling on the emotional blackmail. I am exhausted and fearful for my marriage and my long term health.
I don't know where to turn as my brothers think everything is fine and I should want to be here. I don't I want to be at home with my husband having my own life. I feel horrendously guilty and selfish for admitting that. I fear I'm heading for some kind of breakdown.