Finally at peace.

For those of you who have helped me in the last 9 months, you know the road with Aunt was a very difficult one…especially after finding out about her health issues. I’m happy to report she is at peace now. She left a life riddled with turmoil to rejoin the love of her life & other loved ones in heaven. It was the longest quickest passing, but I really don’t have anything to compare it to.
Tuesday the 6th she was mostly ok. She’d had a cold & had a telehealth appt with her pcp. She was sleeping on & off because she didn’t feel good. That evening she’d asked for oxygen for about 30 mins. Then it was ok. Wednesday she started slipping. She was barely awake & sluggish responses. She’d had oxygen going almost the entire day. Thursday is where is started getting real scary. She couldn’t stay awake & nothing she said made sense. It was like a baby learning to talk. She barely ate 2 bites but was still drinking periodically. And then her nurse came. In the time from when I woke her up to letting the nurse in the door, we returned to see her lips the darkest blue i’d ever seen; I didn’t speak I just reacted; oxygen went on at full blast. She was still reactive in the sense that her finger would twitch if you touched her hand or eyebrows would raise if she heard voices. She didn’t eat all day & barely drank anything. Just enough to swallow her meds. She wasn’t conscious at all Friday but i suddenly noticed the whole right side of her face was drooped. That made me think she’d had a stroke on the opposite side of her brain from the first stroke she’d previously had. Being on hospice, I had no way to know for sure. I fought hard against the urge to call an ambulance. In my mind, I knew she was dying & didn’t want her to be in the hospital for that.
Saturday was what I call the time of false hope. It was a textbook example of the last burst of energy. She had 4 great hours; she had little slurring, minimal confusion, she ate an apple turnover & drank hot cider. She cycled through family that was here & said what she needed to say & managed to tell me she wasn’t scared to die she was scared because she was suffocating & in excruciating pain. by dark she had slipped into a coma. She was completely unresponsive. And then I heard something I will never get out of my head. The death rattle. Never heard it before, but I instantly knew what it was & it hit to my bones. I called after hours & the nurse came & instantly put her on end of life meds because I begged for help to take her pain & fear. It didn’t matter she was unresponsive; I was terrified she’d still feel all that. She was getting Ativan dissolvable & liquid morphine every hour. We sat by her side in shifts all day Sunday. Talking, reading, just holding her hand. Monday her remaining daughter had to leave to get back to her job & fill out papers for a leave of absence. She lives 4 hrs away, but was planning to return Tuesday. On Tuesday the 13th, I maintained our normal morning routine. Only there were new things added. I turned her tv on & started laundry. It was bath day but I knew she wouldn’t be bathed. So I changed her top bedding. Her CNA came & helped me change her gown & top bedding. She spent a few tearful moments singing & reassuring. At noon, I gave her meds, put her favorite lotion on, swabbed her mouth, & wiped her face. I walked out to get coffee & make sure my fiancé was awake. I was away 11 minutes. When I returned she was gone. She had waited until I wasn’t fussing over her to let go. And she looked so peaceful. The ONE thing she had prayed for & I was able to give her.
The road here was a very hard one. I was terrified that there would be some major cardiac event & it would be a bad passing for her. In the end, her last week, days, hours, & minutes seemed like an eternity but she was finally free. I am torn emotionally; I grieve the loss of her, in all her fiery glory, but I also know she’s the best version of herself in absolute peace & joy. It’s a hard balance.