Grandma is hard on my teen.
My 94 year old grandmother recently moved in with my family because she was lonely and we thought it would be good for her to be with family. She has dementia, is barely mobile and needs help with all ADL's.
It seems like she is picking on my 13 year old daughter, but I am trying to be diplomatic. For the most part my daughter has been very helpful, giving grandma an arm to lean on, bringing her things (tissue, coffee, water, a pillow, the list goes on and on), helping her with her oxygen, taking off her socks, whatever Grandma asks of her. If she starts to get too needy (which is often) my daughter will just remove herself from the situation and complain to me privately. She is 13, and she is dramatic, but she hides it pretty well from Grandma.
Yesterday, my daughter was napping on the couch after a day of swimming and my Grandma woke her up and asked her to move because in her words "that's my seat". Our couch is a sectional and over 12 feet long, there was plenty of room elsewhere. The other day while she was sweeping the floor my Grandma sat in a chair and pointed out all of the areas she missed (my daughter didn't find it helpful and went to her room and pouted after). I know Grandma loves her, she tells me all the time what a sweet girl she is, but all she does is criticize and annoy her when they are together! I am tired of my kids (I have a 15 year old boy too) "escaping" to their rooms! I don't know how to handle this. It's all new to me and it seems like there is a new issue every day. If I set Grandma up in her room so we can have some space she cries and tells us we should just put her in a home. Or she calls my mom and tells on me. I feel like I am going to have a breakdown. How the heck do people deal with these issues!? Teenagers are hard enough on their own, now this!? My kids are straight A students, good kids, I want them around as much as possible before they grow up and move away. I love my Grandma but I love my kids more. How can I make this work? Help!
For as long as the situation lasts, tell your children how much you appreciate what they are doing and acknowledge that they are not always treated fairly. In front of them, gently ask grandmother to be nicer to them. Going through this hardship, with your repeated and sincere support, can strengthen them both. Learning to ignore untrue criticism is a skill we all need to develop. Putting someone else's needs before your convenience builds character and good karma. Make sure they get escapes and rewards for their cooperation. It's not good parenting to protect our kids from every hardship.
If you need to, you have my permission to place her, but use her presence in your house to build stronger, more resourceful kids.
This is BY FAR the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm not so certain it was the right thing anymore, but I refuse to give up. As long as my kids are on board (I know my husband is, he is an absolute saint), we are going to keep trying and see if we can make it run a little smoother. They really are being pretty great. My son pretty much avoids her (he is not comfortable with this arrangement at all, but he understands that there are not many options at this point). I say this with much hope but frustration (as I write this comment she has called me into her room 3 times, no reason, just to see if I will come). My coffee is stone cold and I have a knot in my stomach already. I think I am going to get down on my knees and pray for a good day together. Thank you again for your thoughtfulness. It's so nice to be able to share my feelings on here.
You've received some good suggestions here. You are a very good granddaughter for opening your home to your grandma. I'm sure you made the decision with much thought and input from your own family and had no idea it would be like this. Like Christina said, put your kids first. You don't want them to start looking for reasons to be away from home. Don't sacrifice them to care for your grandma. Listen to them. If they're unhappy with this situation and their reasons are valid and you've tried everything to get your grandma to peacefully coexist within your family someone's got to go and don't allow it to be your kids. They need their family.
When my daughter was 8, Mother's husband was insulting to her. She came to me and told me. I told her I would speak to him when I was not so angry. When I did speak to him, he apologized sheepishly. Mother had a angry tantrum in response to my very reasonable request of her poor husband. I took my daughter and left for the 5 hour drive home. I would not let my daughter be treated the way I was treated as a child by that witch. No, you do better for your children. They come first. It's different if a Grandmother acts like we think Grandmother's should act. I never had a Mother or a grandmother who was loving and kind, I just imagined they were supposed to be a bit nicer than the Big Bad Wolf.
I would very respectfully tell your Grandmother to use the same respect toward others that she likes to receive. You daughter has equal rights to rest on the sofa. Maybe you should get Grandma an "Archie Bunker" chair of her own. Right?:) xo