I moved my 83 year old mother to a dementia care unit on November 30. To my shock, surprise, and relief, she has adjusted very well. I am now in the process of cleaning out her home of 40 years with plans to rent it out. The money from renting it out plus her pension check will pay for her to continue living in the care unit.
I cannot describe the guilt I'm feeling. I've been throwing things away, taking things to charity, and with every carload I feel worse, worse, and am questioning my decision. I keep telling myself I'm doing the right thing. She was living all alone with progressive cognitive dementia, and now she is being cared for, taking her medicine appropriately, and eating healthy meals, but the guilt keeps growing. I know it doesn't make sense to try and bring her back home, but this is killing me. I just love her so much and I feel terrible dismantling a home she loved. Ugh.
What you're feeling is pain. Not guilt. The loss of your mother's home, the anxiety that you are somehow dismissing her history, the sadness that your lovely mother is fading away from your life. These are all painful emotions.
But what they're not is a prod from your conscience telling you that you are doing something wrong, or have neglected to do something you ought to have done. That's what guilt is. Guilt can be mistaken, guilt can make people feel responsible for things that logically they have no responsibility for at all; but that's different from how you're feeling.
You recognise that your mother is flourishing. You are setting about ensuring she will continue to thrive, through a practical and well-organised financial plan for her. So sad though you are, your capable mind has in fact set you on the right path: focusing on making your mother's remaining life the best it can be.
You are a doing a superb job, a model of its kind. I just wish it wasn't so painful for you.
I held on to anything that I thought held a special meaning to her. Some is decorating her apartment and some is in my attic. For every piece that I discarded, I worried that she would ask about it and I would have to confess that it was gone. For every piece I kept, I wondered why I was storing it because I knew it would never be used again (or even seen) because I know it will never come out of the box again.
Time will help a lot. Mom has been out of her house now for 18 months and when I realize how much better off she is living a clutter free life I am happy that I got rid of stuff. She does still sometimes ask when she is going back home and that is sad but she never asks about all those things I got rid of.
Mom2Mom - how long did it take you to clean it all out?
One really great idea, another writer on the forums gave me, was see if you can swap out something at your own home for something that your parent(s) had. It helped me keep some of the smaller items.
Here is a forum that might help you with what to do with the items https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/how-to-get-your-parents-to-downsize-195854.htm
I hired four teens and a rental truck and we spent about 6 hours moving mom's stuff out of her house and into her apartment in my house.
I went back a couple of weeks later with three or four teens and we hauled everything that was left to the curb. That took us a whole day, a long day. The mound of trash and furniture was incredible. I paid 1-800-GOT JUNK to cart off about 50% of it for $700 just because I didn't want to freak the City out. GOT JUNK filled one of their full sized trucks and that was still only half of it. The City trucks took the rest away for me.
I then spent a couple of months cleaning, repairing and bringing in contractors for the stuff I could not handle.
Off topic but, Mom had not done repairs in quite a while. I spent almost $30K cleaning and fixing up the house but it ended up renting for $2400/month so after the first year, we were past the break even point and now it is all income.
Ironically, the house rented to a company that does Assisted Living and her house has been converted to a AL home. So, whenever she talks about moving back, I respond that I can see if they have a vacancy.
Well, now. My aunt was living in a (very good) nursing home for the last three or four years of her life. So you can imagine that I was startled when Cousin mentioned that she and her brothers haven't yet sold their mother's house. This came up because she was saying how supportive her brothers were (they're very kind and good-hearted men), and weren't putting any pressure on her to get things moving.
Oh goodness! I said. You still have all that to do?
Cousin explained that she couldn't face letting the house go. She didn't want to let it to tenants. She can't bear the thought of its not being her mother's house any more, either. She and one brother are just keeping it in good repair, ticking over, and...?
All I could think of to say was how much better she will feel when she doesn't have to think about it ever again. But right now she just seems to be stuck: can't move forward, can't come to any decisions about what to do with it.
So it seems to me to come back to the saying "when you're going through hell, keep going!" If you grind to a halt, you still have the job to face, it doesn't hurt any less, and it goes on hurting for longer.
Yes, this is hellish, but I'm going to keep going!!
Thanks everyone for the support! It's been very helpful. :-)
It's always interesting how one thinks there furniture would be great for others. Nice gesture. The sofa my parents had one could see it in photos from the 1960's. The real thin legs on the sofa end table fell off when the movers picked up the tables. The stereo console looked nice, but how many people still have vinyl records and 8-track tapes? Typing table, seriously? No, Dad, not leaving the CB radio for the new buyers.
Same with some small very old bowls that were gold trim on the top with a painted pink orchid on the inside.... I got rid of my paper clip containers and now use those pink orchid bowls for paperclips around the house.
I donated large glass flower vases and kept a special one that my Mom had that I had always admired.
I completely understand how you're feeling.
When Dad passed away 4 years ago, Mom was still in relatively good health, just at the start of dementia and the lack of personal care was starting to show. (No showers, not wearing depends, missing meds or appointments, and not showing any awareness or caring that this was a problem.) So I moved in to care for her, and we started to go through Dad's things together. She asked for his wallet, and tucked in the back, we found a folded up $50 bill. I told Mom this was Dad's final gift to her, and that he would want her to use it to buy herself something nice. She picked out a nice winter coat that was on clearance in a catalog. She loved that coat and wore it every year until she passed away this past summer.
I had the hardest time getting rid of that coat. It means nothing to me as far as being able to wear it or use it myself, because it's the wrong size. I could see and hear Mom saying, "Why are you hanging onto that? If you're not going to use it, just get rid of it!" - but it's the sentiment of it - this was Dad's last gift to Mom and it broke my heart to get rid of it. I finally did it, but it was hard.
Going through Dad's things was harder than I thought it would be. You know what bothered me the most? It wasn't his watches, carefully packed away in the box they came in - one watch for every 10 years of service at the factory where he worked; it wasn't his agate stone ring, which he wore every day of his adult life; it wasn't even his handwritten notes on things that he knew he would forget - so he labeled them. It was his handkerchiefs. Those red bandana-style handkerchiefs. Dad had one in his pocket every day of his adult life, and his morning routine was to walk out in the kitchen, drop his shoes on the floor, clear his throat and then blow his nose - loudly - in the red handkerchief from his pocket. (This was like an alarm clock to anyone sleeping in the basement room below the kitchen - BANG! shoes on the floor - AHRUM! throat cleared - PHHRRROOOOT! nose blown - 6am every day.)
I sat down and just sobbed when I pulled those clean, folded handkerchiefs out of his dresser. That was the last thing of his I got rid of, and I left everything else. I haven't gone back to that task yet. I will, eventually, but that was so hard that I just couldn't continue.
I asked my sig other to help but it took me twice as long to sort through things because he was constantly asking me "want to keep this or toss". Or he would find photo albums and would go through it instead of helping me clear things out. I was ready to scream. He could look at the albums when we got home :P
I did hire a handyman to help me clear the basement. What a relief letting someone loose in the basement who was thinking the same way I was. He knew exactly what to keep to donate and what to throw out :)
Clothing that's in good condition can be given to a thrift store. Clothing that's worn out should be thrown away. Keep vintage clothing that you like and fits.
Once you've sorted through a room, offer friends and family to come over and pick through that room letting them know that everything left will be donated or thrown away.
Now, if only I could identify who half of these people were in the photos?
Sorry to hear you are struggling with your parents house right now. It is hard. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Take as much time as you need. One closet at a time if needed. I'm with you. When I started to donate my father's belongings to the homeless shelter. The emotions would come rushing forward and I would cry while packing his shoes and clothes. Its a difficult decision whether to keep items or even the whole house. Give yourself some time to grieve. Maybe even wait a year before making a decision. I am struggling with the same thing. I don't want to erase my dad's memory by giving away too much or selling the house. But yet the pain is also weighing on me heavily. I just don't know sometimes. Maybe with more time the decision will become clear.
Let us know how you get on.
Countrymouse, your comments are so helpful. "What you're feeling is pain. Not guilt. The loss of your mother's home, the anxiety that you are somehow dismissing her history, the sadness that your lovely mother is fading away from your life. These are all painful emotions. " That is right on. Thank you. I want Dad to be there. I want things to be like they were, even taking care of him. It became my life and as some have said you even start to feel like you are them. It is about letting go and acceptance and going on with life. They would want it that way I think. And CM, and love your comment about if you're going through Hell, keep going! Yes. And the other person's comment too that was like it. Thank you!! Keep going!!