I moved my 83 year old mother to a dementia care unit on November 30. To my shock, surprise, and relief, she has adjusted very well. I am now in the process of cleaning out her home of 40 years with plans to rent it out. The money from renting it out plus her pension check will pay for her to continue living in the care unit.
I cannot describe the guilt I'm feeling. I've been throwing things away, taking things to charity, and with every carload I feel worse, worse, and am questioning my decision. I keep telling myself I'm doing the right thing. She was living all alone with progressive cognitive dementia, and now she is being cared for, taking her medicine appropriately, and eating healthy meals, but the guilt keeps growing. I know it doesn't make sense to try and bring her back home, but this is killing me. I just love her so much and I feel terrible dismantling a home she loved. Ugh.
I held on to anything that I thought held a special meaning to her. Some is decorating her apartment and some is in my attic. For every piece that I discarded, I worried that she would ask about it and I would have to confess that it was gone. For every piece I kept, I wondered why I was storing it because I knew it would never be used again (or even seen) because I know it will never come out of the box again.
Time will help a lot. Mom has been out of her house now for 18 months and when I realize how much better off she is living a clutter free life I am happy that I got rid of stuff. She does still sometimes ask when she is going back home and that is sad but she never asks about all those things I got rid of.
What you're feeling is pain. Not guilt. The loss of your mother's home, the anxiety that you are somehow dismissing her history, the sadness that your lovely mother is fading away from your life. These are all painful emotions.
But what they're not is a prod from your conscience telling you that you are doing something wrong, or have neglected to do something you ought to have done. That's what guilt is. Guilt can be mistaken, guilt can make people feel responsible for things that logically they have no responsibility for at all; but that's different from how you're feeling.
You recognise that your mother is flourishing. You are setting about ensuring she will continue to thrive, through a practical and well-organised financial plan for her. So sad though you are, your capable mind has in fact set you on the right path: focusing on making your mother's remaining life the best it can be.
You are a doing a superb job, a model of its kind. I just wish it wasn't so painful for you.