I feel so guilty every single day that I had to put my mom in an elderly assited living home. Mom is ill, she has multiple problems. Mom has dementia, broken hip, diabetes, high blood pressure, has had conjestive heart failure. My mom lived with my Grandmother mostly all of her life. As my Grandmother aged, my mom took care of her 24/7, in my grandmother's older years 90+ the demands of my mom were greater...then she died. My mom still lived in her home with a roomate afterwards but the dementia seemed to excel very quickley after her moms death. She was not eating, was not bathing or changing her clothes, would stay in her pajamas all day. She eventually had to be admitted to the hospital where they then sent her to a nursing home facility do to her abnormal counts of diabetes. Then she fell there and broke her hip! Ater the 100 days that the facility said was their max and they said that she had reached her "maximum rehabilitation" I was told she had to exit. I thought that the best thing to do was to bring her home with me. Well, after 2 weeks, my family was so upset, she was yelling at everyone, got so bad that my teenage daughter was crying everyday because the "Nonna" that loved her so much was yelling at her and calling her spoiled and stupid. The in home care giver was also ready to give up. I then decided that I would place mom in a "Adult assisted Living home" She was unhappy for the first few days but since after is okay there, she has gained 20 pounds, eats alot, cares about her appearance, dresses and is active with the others at the facilility. Her short term memory is gone...she talks about her dead mom as if she was still alive...she asks me where I live, although she has been there many times...she's still in a wheelchair from the broken hip.. She says she wants to go home with me or back to her house. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or being selfish...I feel so guilty! Anyone out there going throught the similiar situation?
Trouble is, that life is gone. And although you may wish you could provide your mother with the level of care she gave her mother, your life and circumstances are wholly different, and the alternative care that you have arranged for her is, moreover, by any objective measure, working extremely well.
Your mother's situation is sad, but it is not your fault. Give yourself more credit for the sensible, practical, beneficial decisions you have made, and give yourself time to watch how your mother settles in. You're doing a great job.
Wants to come home? Like my dad once said to me when I brought this up in a discussion, "they all want to go home." I've even heard of people going home who even at home said they wanted to go home. My mother is not a safe discharge and so she is not going home. My step-dad and his helper are in denial of how bad off she is and how much care she needs. They about let her die during the few days they tried taking care of her at home after her stroke and rehab in a nursing home.
All in all far too many are lost in the F.O.G. of fear of making their parent angry, a sense of obligation to the determent of their own well being and feelings of guilt for either thinking of or actually doing something like placing their parent in assisted living or in a nursing home when reasonably that is what needs to be done when it needs to be done. May we all live and do our care giving free from the F.O.G.!
In home care can be difficult. My husbands elderly aunt had 24/7 care and her caregiver had difficulty ensuring someone was always there as many times the agency could not send someone out to her home and other arrangements had to made. Also, often the elderly person doesn't like a "stranger" in their home, and might not get along with these outside caregivers.
My mother made it as hard for me as she could about living in a facility. But, I knew what had to be done and learned to come to terms with it. So many of the posts on this site helped me and I know they will help you too. Blessings to you and take care.
If she can't afford it, then it really doesn't make much sense to dwell on it, does it?
Keep visiting daily, and brighten your mother's life right where she is.
What makes you think her dementia would be better if she weren't in the care center?
"Noona" is somewhere she is thriving. You obviously made the right choice, not only for your household but especially for her. To undo the good you have achieved in the hopes that you could get rid of feeling guilty would not only be foolish but also selfish. Mom is doing great where she is. Don't spoil that!
If her short term memory is so faulty that she won't remember what you say anyway, then say whatever will comfort her. "I think you are scheduled to be here another week. I'll check with the office." or "We can't go today because of awful road construction. Let's talk about it tomorrow" and then change the subject.
Good luck.