My wife of 46 years has developed what has been diagnosed as probable Alzheimer's. She has a family history of Alzheimer's so this isn't totally unexpected but that doesn't make it any easier. We watched her dad deteriorate for years and are really concerned with what the future holds. We moved to Florida about 3 years ago and were really looking forward to enjoying our retirement and it hasn't turned out like we planned. She is in the early stages and the strange thing is that I'm really the only person so far that she is having a problem with remembering. She knows who I am. She is constantly telling me how much she loves me and never wants me to leave her but she really struggles remembering anything about me. She asks me how I know her daughters. She remembers going on vacations but just doesn't remember me being with her. We have 3 daughters... she remembers them but doesn't remember that I'm their dad. Almost anywhere she's been and anything she has done in the last 47 years... I've been with her but she can't remember it. She'll ask questions, I'll answer them, she'll say that she understands but then ask the same thing again and again. If my life was a movie it would probably be called Groundhog Zone because sometimes I feel I'm living in Groundhog Day and the Twilight Zone. I'm gradually working on convincing her that we need to move back around our family and friends. I really think that it would help her and I know it would help me. Have any of you experienced being the only one forgotten while you have really always been the only one that supported your spouse? That's really the thing that I have trouble understanding. Thanks for letting me vent. It helps.
Being with extended family might help - she seems to remember the "kids", but it might be that, like you, she remembers them from long ago... If it seems like she will be okay, and fit in with the rest of the family, then try to find a place where you might be able to set it up as close to how your current place is - that way it will seem like home?
We have not crossed this particular bridge yet - as others indicated, everyone has their own path to follow, there is no one road for everyone, which makes it hard for all of us. She still knows me and my brothers, is confused sometimes by my kids, and after 9+ months of begging to go back to her condo, she now talks about her mother (gone 40 years) and their previous residence (sold 23 years ago.) The time will come, we just do not know when. Just keep on as best you can, do not worry about the gaps in memory, just enjoy what you can while you can!
I will share a conversation my Mom’s Geriatric Physician had with me when I asked him questions regarding Mom’s short term, long term memory. I was struggling with things she was doing, saying, and decisions she was making.
The Dr told me to stop struggling to figure it all out. He told me pathways to different memories are broken. So, it’s not personal that her pathway to the memory of you is broken. It’s random. It does sound like you presently remind her of someone she once knew. It sounds like the picture she is obsessed with is of someone she dearly loves, and did dearly love at the time the photo was taken.
I was one of the last persons my Mom totally “forgot”. But, for a very long time I was someone that reminded her of her oldest daughter.
I remember going to see my step-grannie at the NH, she thought I was my mom as a young person. While we were visiting with my step-mom sitting across the table from her, she very sadly said, "you know that Nadeen never comes to visit me!" It was so sad for me but my step-mom said, "it hurt terribly at first but, I know it is the disease and she is always happy to see me, so it doesn't hurt so much now." I was relieved for her, they were a close, loving family and she not only lost her mom to this demon but, was lost to her mom. I know that if you and your wife have been married in this culture for 46 years, you obviously figured out how to make it work and to love one another through all the trials that come with marriage, you are so blessed that you have that legacy to leave your daughters. Take care of you as well as DW on this journey, it doesn't have to be a horrid awful journey. Keep your sense of humor and tease and play with her to help her keep hers.
Traveling mercies and God's Grace to you and your family.
My Dr said you can be who and whatever you want to be everyday, who are You? I'm Fred and I'm an astronaut. Wow! I guess his point was to not get sucked in to the disease and the pointless struggle to make them remember.
Our kids and friends are all fully aware of her condition. We have 3 daughters and they are all "Daddy's Girls" so they will be there for me. I'm having some good conversations about us becoming "snowbirds" and my wife seems to be receptive to that. I know we'll be fine and I also know that I haven't seen anything yet 😔
It can be a double heartbreak to find that a ‘solution’ to a problem doesn’t work out. It is worthwhile checking the proposed move out carefully, so that everyone that you are hoping will help, is actually willing and able to live up to expectations. You and your wife are both coming back with a different situation than when you left. At least Groundhog Day started from the previous morning, not three years on! Things are more difficult now, and are likely to get even harder. It could be wise to plan for the future, using your time while friends and family are still in the early stages of being helpful. It would be good to find paid supports that you can develop further when and if you need them.
At least let people back home know about the whole situation, in more than one tactful letter. It’s easy to think that it will all be obvious and people will be bound to help. Make sure that they and you are being realistic. It will be the best step to making sure that things work as well as possible.
It’s part of the dementia for some and it may never change, sorry to say. It’s best for her if you can live in her world, because she will think you’re crazy if you try to convince her of the truth and the real world.
Best wishes for strength during the trying times to come. I agree it would be best to move back home where your support group is. That is more important right now than her wishes.
Before being placed in the AL/Memory Care facility, she went through about 4-5 weeks of a combative stage, but I was the only target of her hostility. This, even though we had enjoyed a happy life together. Doctors and a psychiatrist tell me this is not unusual.
She seems to remember her close friends more than our life together. I'm just thankful to accept the fact that she is happy to see me and enjoys my company when I visit.
I would suggest a family meeting. Get everyone up to date on mom and clarify what you can expect in way of help. Be honest and tell them what you need help with, what your expectations are if you move. I would hate for you to have the disappointment of no help, or help that is not helpful. As a daughter, I know that if my dad would have been honest with expectations it would have saved so much heartache and hard feelings. You are obviously a super guy and probably would be appalled at what my dad did, I just think that full disclosure all the way around, helps in these difficult situations.
May God bless you and your family on this difficult journey. You are a man that all women wish they could have, take care of you during this hard trial. It is very easy for the caregiver to get lost in the caregiving and not take care of themselves. Hugs to you and your wife.
My 81 y.o. mother forgot everyone, except me and my family whom she lives with, her son, and her siblings. She doesn't remember any other relative or friend, even her best friend since childhood. I showed her pictures of her from a few years ago, she has no idea where or why she was there or what she was doing. At the moment, she can take care of her own hygiene needs. Knock on wood. I hope she can keep doing it.
It's better if you move back closer to family and friends. Hopefully they will help you out. Her condition will worsen and you will not be able to help her by yourself. Don't leave the decision up to her. It helps if she agrees, but you need to be the one in charge.
Do you have my house bugged ? Just kidding of course but everything you said is happening. She will look at old pictures of us and ask if it is me....I tell her it is.....She says she believes me but I know that she really doesn't. She's almost obsessed with one picture of use when we were 18 and looks at it all the time. She talks about trips we have taken and when I tell her that I was with her she looks confused. I struggle with just how much I should try to get her to understand but I've never really lied to her and don't really want to start now but sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just agree with anything she says. Sundowners is starting to become more prevalent now too. Fortunately she sleeps through the night and always goes to bed before me so I do get some wind down time. I am making some progress in discussing the move. Baby steps !! Thanks for the support.
As to your wife not remembering you being with her in years past ... YOU weren’t there. And by that I mean, the way you look now, YOU weren’t there. She may be remembering you the way you USED to look. Her mind may not be able to reconcile the younger you with the older you. If you show her old pictures of you with your children, on family vacations, etc., does she recognize the man in them as her husband? If so, you may have to explain (again and again) that he’s you, but you’re older now.
And, yes, you will have to answer the same questions again and again. It does get tiresome, just stay patient. While it’s the 10th time you’ve answered the question, for her it’s the first time she’s asked it. Have you read “The 36 Hour Day”? It’s a great resource for caregivers.
I am so sorry you both have to go through this. {{{Hugs}}}
I think that if you feel you need to be near family and friends at this time, I'd consider doing it, before your wife declines further. While her wishes are valid, she may not fully appreciate the resources and support that you will need for her as she progresses. I'd have to make the call and do what you feel is right and practical.
Please post about how things are going. Do you have any help with her now?
I just wanted to add my support. I wonder if you can talk to a social worker and see if there are more community supports that could be accessed to support you and your wife. It is so hard for one spouse to see their life partner in this situation. If anything, I feel the more family and friends that can lend their support the better.
Please know we are here.