Has anyone just lost the "lust for life"?

I totally understand. I live 1400 miles away from my Mom and go back to her home every 8 weeks. My Mom is 91. I have no siblings. I now hire someone to come in 5 hours a day. She has macular and her sight is not good. When I go home she is nasty to me a lot. She never wants me to see friends. I grew up where she is. My Dad died at 62. I feel like I aged 10 years when I return from her. Last year I spent 80 days there. I am 62 and my husband is 71 and we have no children. I feel guilty about wanting to enjoy my life before it is too late. Daily I get calls on what to do toward her care. There is a 2 hour time difference- I never feel like I have a free morning. When she had health issues I was caught in a company buyout and never went back to work. I lost a lot of $$ over the last 7 years and I have resentment because of that. I feel depressed and feel like I am selfish. I have always taken care of my Mom. She has never done without anything. Thank you for listening and I understand.

Whether you subscribe to cognitive mental therapies or behavioral therapies, or a bit of both like dialectical behavior therapy... they have some commonalities. You could adopt some of the strategies for yourself. They're easy to find online if you're interested.

Make sure you're taking care of yourself, too, while you go about giving your mom the best care you can. I suggest a self-care checklist, and to find any way you can to get more active in things you enjoy, and practice mindfulness/mediation to gain acceptance of things -- including your own feelings of apathy.

Just my thoughts. It's ok to vent, too. We all need it sometimes.

"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative." https://youtu.be/5Qk9o_ZeR7s

Come on, you still have a long way to go. By the time you reach the non-return point, you should have enjoyed such a wonderful life, that you won't mind leaving this world. Stop those negative thoughts and begin right away to find ways to make your life more interesting. Now, if you suffer from depression, visit a mental health provider to help you to get rid of it. To be honest, we all start to die the moment we are born. If we worry too much about death, we will never achieve anything in life, and it would have been better not to have been born in the first place. But since you cannot return to your mother's womb, your only choice is to make your life interesting. Billions of people in the world do it. Incidentally, I'm 89 years old and don't worry a bit about how I'm going to die. I still look for challenges to make the remanent part of my life interesting and enjoyable. I'm studying music on my own, I thought myself to play the keyboard and also practice the guitar. I don't care how I will die, I only care how I live each day.

My dad is 87 years old and still very strong. I’ve had him for three years and although he is easy going and very pleasant, today I had to talk to him about us finding him an unassisted living for senior citizens. I’m 47 years old, single, I have adult children and I’m retired from the military…..I did not expect to be doing what I’m doing which is living in depression. I walk in my home and the tv is on 24/7 from either the living room or my dad’s room. He is comfortable and just figured I suppose that he’d live with me until he dies, but today I made the decision to change our lives, I hope for the best. He has a care provider who will be with him 4 hours a day, I’ll still take him out shopping, breakfast, etc….but I need my home back, I need my autonomy, my privacy, my peace…..I pray God isn’t angry with me. I know it’s hard getting old, but I wish he would have made some wise decisions that would’ve helped him later in life instead of me having to pick up all the pieces for over 10 years now…..I’ve been paying his bills, ensuring that he has a clean and affordable living situations while in San Diego and in Texas…while women took advantage of him and him not having groceries, I would have to take care of my own household and his….he squandered away 10’s of thousands of dollars and I just continued to help him the best I knew how. I know as children we’re responsible, but it’s really really hard and I feel like there’s been a burden lifted. He’s not too happy, but he’s not angry….he’s probably more hurt than anything.

I can totally relate. I took care of my mom for 20 years until she passed away. Immediately, I have been taking care of my brother who has no other family. I am so burned out. I have my own health issues that I can't address because there is always something with him. I work full-time too.

I love helping him but I really need some time to take care of myself. I am not married and don't have any children. It sure is a lonely place to be!

I feel you! Hope you get to find meaning in life.

It gets worse when your parent passes, believe it or not. You think you will be relieved because you no longer have the responsibility to care for her and then you realize you are an orphan and the last person on Earth who loved you for yourself is now gone. Then you have to figure out what to do with yourself because you are the only one affected by whatever decisions you make. No one else cares. It's scary at first. If you work, keep at it for awhile to give yourself a schedule. If you don't have a social network, start working on one now because you can use all the friends you can get. With age comes the need to ask for help and hopefully there will be people who care enough about you to notice if you don't show up. It's also a time to start over, start full-filling some dreams, start checking off that bucket list. That can be exhilarating. How you deal with aging is up to you.

Just sending prayers and love to you. Hang in there.

Are you able to have help from an occasional Adult Day Care visit for her? Or, maybe a Nursing student to help once in a while?

My narcissist “mutha” had long term care insurance, so I hired people until she needed 2 people.
Then the insurance wouldn’t pay for 2, so she was placed in a swanky assisted living.
Her lawyer and probate judge sided with me over greedy family members angry I spent HER money on her.
Hiring and firing was work, but I wasn’t going to face anymore abuse from her.
I used “Pea pod” for groceries so I controlled the money and knew what was purchased.
One agency stole and I did not pay the final $7,000.00 bill. I mailed the police report with the invoice.
I never heard from them again.
I was there during hospice which lasted 3 days.
Its a thankless job and you are a wonderful daughter enduring this for so long.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
It will ruin your health over time.
Don’t allow these circumstances to steal your joy. You will find your smile once again if you concede to help. 💪🏼
Be well, sweet one~ 💜

I hear you. And, I wish you the best. I was in a similar situation in the recent past. My mom passed 2/14/20.

Hi Tynagh,

I just want you to know you are NOT alone in your feelings. I can totally sympathize and relate to what you are feeling.

Devastatingly, I lost both of my parents (my best friends) within less than 2 years. The loss was almost unbearable.

It took EVERYTHING I had just to get up in the morning and out of bed.

Please know that you WILL get through this and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I still grieve for my beloved mom and dad and wish they were here. Nothing is the same without them.

Like you, I felt I had nothing to look forward to.

You were put on this earth for a reason. The Lord is testing you. Please keep doing what you are doing. You are passing the test.

I found that writing down just five positive things a day helped tremendously. (Even if it's as simple as someone smiling at you or saying "hi" to you).

I am here if you need to vent or talk.

Hang in there. YOU are something special.

Yes, I have lost my lust for life too. I can't think of see anything that would ever make me happy in this life. I'm going to call TODAY for some mental help. Whatever my ins. will allow. I'm caring for both my parents and they are so stubborn. I love them dearly but they are sucking the life right out of me.
Reading all the replies of your question has helped as well as the replies I have received for my own questions. There are a lot of wonderful people here that truly understand how hard this is. I will certainly pass on any helpful advise I may receive. You aren't alone in this. This caregiving is all consuming and I have pulled away from many friends because I am just a Debbie Downer. I know I am. I have nothing else to talk about. That gets pretty boring for my friends I'm sure of that. Maybe some self help therapy might help you too. I don't know about you but I don't even have the energy to clean my own house while im constantly cleaning my parents!! The anxiety is at an all time high. If you want to reach out to me, please do. Maybe we can help each other!! My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!!

I understand how you feel. After seeing two parents pass away after suffering dementia, I fear the future for me. I am wondering if there are therapists out there who specialize in dealing with people our age who are wondering what the future holds. One thing I would suggest is getting a pet. That means the world to me and gives me a reason to get up on time in the mornings. I have seen it make a huge difference in the outlook of other elderly people. I hope you find your way.

I here your frustration and depression. I went through this with my husband's care. Unfortunately there will be a bit of peace after her passing, but you will have a lot of restructioning yourself. My you find peace and find yourself. After 7 months I'm just entering in the finding who I am as myself. It has not been easy but I am enjoying this new journey. Still many adjustment of not over doing for everyone else. Just do what you can do. If you get overwhelmed tell people you can't do what you thought you could do. My prayers are for you.

I hear you. I was 62 when my 93 year old mom died 16 months ago. I thought she would live to 100, but that didn't happen. Not meaning to be irreverent here, but no matter how healthy your mom is, she will pass on at some point (as I found out despite my optimistic predictions). Fortunately, when my mom passed, it was peaceful, so no unhealthy guilt or trauma. I am just now "finding" myself and getting on with MY life. Like you, I couldn't imagine that ever happening, but it does. All I can say is to do your very best so you have no regrets, but to realize that at some point others will have to be involved as nature and God take their course. Best wishes.

You are not alone, even though you have no significant other, no siblings and no kids. Jesus knows all about your situation. Please believe that there are brighter days ahead of you and the strain you feel won't last always. Find things you enjoy doing, even if it is just a walk or reading a book. Do self-care. You get to decide what highway you are on. Choose life and enjoy each day.

Tynagh: Imho, you require respite through any means possible, e.g. Visiting Angels, et al. Caregiving is extremely difficult and you must attempt to rest, else you fall faint and ill and are good to no one.

I so feel for you. No one knows how difficult this is until they do it. I walk early every morning and pray for patience and compassion, which sometimes I’m lacking. My mom is 91. I’m so glad I found this forum. Reading others situations help. You are not alone. Sending prayers your way.

Much of what you are feeling are just realizing that the "Golden Years" aint so golden! God bless you. I think the best thing is to be grateful for every day you are given and make the most of every day. When we focus on the good things (and there are always many) we find more good things. I wish you peace and the comfort of knowing that you are never alone.

Many people have just lost the lust for life.

I can relate to how you are feeling. I’m 60 and caring for both of my elderly parents. My father has Parkinson’s, along with many other health issues. There are days that I feel very overwhelmed and don’t look forward to what the next day might bring. I’m retired and feel that I should be enjoying my life, but my parents have very limited resources and depend on me for everything.

I am praying for you with all of my heart because I know what you are going through. Most of us here do.

May the peace of Jehovah envelope you like a warm blanket on a cold evening.

I am about the same age and have been caring for my mom for almost seven years. Boy do I know what you are going through.

I do the David thing, (like in David and Goliath ) I go out to a quite, safe place in nature and cry my heart out to Jehovah. Many times this is an all day event. Then, He direct me to Bible verse after Bible verse about His comfort, love, strength and I feel His presence.
By the end of the day there is a feeling of calmness and love that is all encompassing.
Why not try it?

Though I may stumble, I will not fall, for the Lord upholds me with his hand. - Psalm 37:4

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard my hearts and my mind in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:7

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. - Isaiah 40:29

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. Isaiah 41:10

Give me strength and patience, O God, that I may be as loving, gentle, and patient with others as you have been with me. Through Jesus my Lord and hero I pray. Amen.

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6

I have been a caregiver for almost seven years and it is the most challenging, unrewarding, abusive experience I have ever endured.
On the other hand, it is because of these experiences that it has driven me every closer unto my Beloved Poppa, Jehovah, my best friend, Jesus and my most amazing Mentor, The Holy Spirit.
For that I am grateful.
Joseph a son of Jehovah

Thank you Poppa for blessing me with Your Divine peace. There is no need to be afraid nor worried because I know You send The Holy Spirit to walk through the hard times with me. Joseph a son of Jehovah

Thank you Poppa that You are always here with me. Thank you for guiding me in every aspect of my life. Thank you for Your daily support. Thank you always love me, support me, protect me, heal me, encourage me. Thank you that You always provide for my every need. I praise You in the name of He with whom I need for eternal salvation, Jesus Christ. Amen Joseph a son of Jehovah

I endure long, and I am patient and kind. I am never envious or boil over with jealousy. I am not boastful or vainglorious. I do not display myself haughtily. I am not conceited, arrogant, or inflated with pride. I am not rude or unmannerly. I do not act unbecomingly. God's love in me does not insist on its own rights or its own way for I am not self-seeking. I am not touchy or fretful or resentful. I take no account of the evil done to me. I do not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but I rejoice when right and truth prevail. I bear up under anything and everything that comes, and I am ever ready to believe the best of every person. My hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and I endure everything without weakening. God's love in me never fails.1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Pray these as if you are talking with someone you trust and know they love you like no one else can because it is true.

They have been my rock through so many tough times.

If you are interested there is a Christian caregivers group meeting on Tuesday and Thursday on Zoom. It is free and all are welcome.

One day at a time.....my best motto in this care-giving journey! Do you have any hobbies? I started a new hobby a few months ago and it really does help with stress, anxiety and depression. If you don't, maybe explore something new! That's what I did. At some point, their will be a new way of life. A new normal. You will get your own life back. Time to do what you want, what you missed out on doing and everything in between! I sound pretty optimistic here?!? Eh? Well it's because I'm trying to see the light in this dark hell too:) one thing for sure. It's not a dull experience or for the faint hearted! It keeps you on your toes. Just try to see the glass half full and maybe set some "future" wants and goals. Baby steps for now. The big strides will come later. It's being prepared for the "new" normal is what I'm concerned about! How will it be? How will I adjust from living with and caregiving for 13 years, to poof just gone?!? It's a lot. I over think it too sometimes!!! Back to my calming motto: one day at a time!! Love yourself too! Mom is lucky to have you! You deserve a pat on the back and time to pamper yourself! Go to Wal-Mart and get some bath bombs, bubble bath, a good smelling candle. Take a favorite book and have your own spa night after mom is asleep for the night! The good thing about old people, is they live by a set schedule. At least my mom does. I know what she is going to do next before she does it!! That predictable. Point being, their is some you time to be made. Keep coming back here bc this site helps us all. You got like 42 comments, so far. I read them all and they helped me too! I really like how someone suggested pulling the creativity card. I love to write and journal, so this is simple therapeutic tool we can all use in the midst of caregiving!!! Lists are my thing and go-to. Would not remember a thing without my to do lists, shopping lists, etc. So many great tips here! Home decorating or re-decorating was something I filed away too!! Love doing that!!! Thanks to all here, who lean on one another's experience and understanding. We really help guide one another through the journey of the U.N.-known and the journey of the expected:) love & light to all!!!
Hugs & prayers:) kelly

My mom lived with me for 2 years until her falls forced her to skilled and finally NH.

It was hell. I was so stressed out. She couldn’t be left alone because she took risks and fell. My husband traveled for his job. Siblings? Another story.

Fast forward to now. She’s been gone for nine months. In addition to regular grief, I grieve for my impatience, lack of understanding the aged, etc. Grief therapy is helping.

Love and enjoy your mom.

You are not alone - there are others in similar shoes. You are stronger than you think - draw on it. Siblings and spouses do not always rally around the caregiver - it is often an isolated, lonely job that no one else really understands - don’t think you are missing out on that support - it may not have been there anyway. Many caregivers have large families and no support. Give yourself a big hug and be proud that you have taken on and are doing the hardest job in the world. Find something - anything to give yourself a break or outside interest and don’t be afraid to drop what doesn’t work to try something else. Exercise if you can - it WILL help. Spend time with friends or make friends and DON’T dwell on your caregiving with them - they are an outlet for fun and escape, not a therapist. Seek a counselor, clergy or other professionals to help you cope. Get a pet if you are able to commit and care for want to feel some unconditional love - but remember they can also take a large amount of care so don’t do that if you are already too tapped out. The idea is NOT to make your life more complicated. Find little things that make you happy each day and know we all have bad days where we feel helpless. The good moments make the bad moments worth waiting for - but realize they will come and go so don’t despair when they seem to go.

I understand it seems like people with siblings and spouses are better off but that is not the case.

You will find many threads on this site devoted to disappearing siblings and spouses.

Taking care of a sick friend or relative is draining, depressing and can seem hopeless.

Make your own happiness everyday. Carve out some time for yourself. As most caretakers will tell you, it may get harder before it gets easier.

I can relate. You are certainy not alone although that may not really help, knowing that. I too have no motivation for anything in life. My world is 24/7 care (except for 2 afternoons a week) of my Parkinson's with vascular dementia husband. He is a sweetheart; I resent the disease - it has taken both our futures. I am 72, he 75 and we'd planned wonderful Golden Years but it was not to be. He is, at times, himself; most times he is confused, with no comprehension ability (such as how to sit in a chair or go to the toilet, and daily begging me to take him home (usually childhood home). I fear for the next BM, whether he makes it to the toilet or not); this in particular brings on my meltdown. He is extremely clinging, does not want me to leave him in a room and doesn't like to be left with a caregiver, although sometimes he understands that I HAVE to go out. I know it could be worse. His legs are weakening and I am worried about how I can care for him if he becomes unable to stand. Sending him to memory care would be a death sentence - he is inconsolable if I am not with him. I feel guilty for my negativity. My own health is taking a beating but I don't care - friends tell me that I have to take care of myself so I can care for him (this lays a guilt trip on me - and I feel even worse). I know that over 60% of caregivers die first; I've wondered what % is because of choosing to exit - the thought has occured to me more than once. I don't like to talk to friends about my feelings - I figure this would dampen a friendship - being a "Debbie Downer". So I plod along day after day, knowing things will only get worse, as I've read in so many posts. I've tried to resign myself to the inevitability of years more seeing him decline. I'm sure if the situation were reversed, he would be much better at this than I am.

I would suggest Senior Blue Book, you can look up on line put in you zip code. It could direct you to a senior services in your area, social worker at a senior places, meals on wheels, that you could find help through medicade, since your Mom does not have a lot of money. Talk with her Primary Care Dr. Or yours if they can help direct you.


I have had to research these things also to help me with my parents. Good Luck, you are important.

Oh Man...I laid in bed last night and thought about how my life sucks right now. I came here this morning and found your post. I've read through all the responses and feel so thankful for this site. Sometimes it gets me through the day knowing that there are others out there who know exactly how I feel.
Caregiving requires so much energy that there seems to be little left for anything else. It certainly does feel like a Highway to Hell but I believe the opposite is quite true. God calls us to serve others and does not promise it will be easy. My 96 year old mother has lived with me for the past year. I retired early to take care of her. I get little help from my sister. My mother and I are different personalities so I often feel annoyed with her. Even with all this I never feel like I made the wrong decision.
You really are not alone. God sees you and knows your struggles. This site is a place to come and vent and be completely understood-no judgements - just lots of guidance and support.
If funds do not allow you to hire outside help, make sure to find time for yourself - even if small amounts of time. What makes you happy/content? Listen to music, plant flowers, work in the yard, watch your favorite move, exercise, crafts,
paint a room a new color, clean (I find deep cleaning to be therapy). Set some sort of small goal to be accomplished each day. And keep in touch with friends. I have two close friends who are willing to listen to me tell them basically the same story/different day.
You are doing a good thing and it may be the hardest thing you've ever done but it will not lead you to Hell.

God Bless you