Has anyone just lost the "lust for life"?

I know you have the same feelings I do that your life is wasting away as a caregiver but you feel obligated and can't/won't ask for help. My wife has early AD and is pretty much physically disabled so I help her do everything. We have never been as close as most couples are but responsibility has kept me going! I am 81, she 83, and I have to wonder what if??? Where does my responsibility end, if ever? I have a pretty strong constitution and can handle it but a weaker person might easily become depressed living such a depressing life with no end in sight! As someone mentioned, sharing your feelings helps a lot and I have 2 long time classmates who commiserate with me and it helps.

I actually had this occur very early in my life, now 72 yrs old….
at a friend’s wedding while in my early 30’s, I was talking to the Parrish priest who had officiated and ‘confessed’ to him that I felt ‘lost’, empty, not as motivated as I used to be. He told me this short story: a rancher man in the old West felt like life had passed him by. He had done it all, achieved much and wanted for nothing. He visited his friend, the Sheriff and told him how this felt.
The Sheriff advised him to go to the nearby county where cattle rustling was punishable by hangin’….and STEAL a cow! “You will get back your lust for life soon enough.”
Sure, perhaps it’s not as ez now, with all the modern conveniences, etc, to continue to be fulfilled each day, set goals and achieve them is the key to feeling like you “deserve” each day. But, you do deserve to relax and enjoy just
”being” too. Don’t advise stealing any bovine, but, setting daily goals and striving again for personal growth, no matter how small, is a good trick to getting back on the horse of life! Think of yourself first each day…you’ll be better for it and serve others at your daily goal settings only. Control is yours.

I have felt that way for perhaps most of my adult life. I was always looking back with regrets and forward to "if onlys" and "what ifs". I am a Christian, and I always felt like I should have more joy in my life, although like many people I confused joy with happiness. Happiness is elusive, but joy is permanent, or should be for a Christian.

Sometimes I wished I would just die, only not in a slow, painful way, of course. Don't we all hope for that? Recently, however, I had a medical scare that is still not resolved. Perhaps God used that to smack me up the side of the head for being constantly disgruntled and always wanting something I thought would be better than what I had, but I started to try to look at my life, and life generally, in a different way. It may sound trite, but I try to count my blessings every day. I try to be thankful for what I have rather than what I don't have. First think in the morning I look outside at the sun, the sky, the trees, etc. and drink it all in. I thank God for every minute that I feel pretty good and that my family is well.

I am not denying your feelings, and you are going through a tough time. I will pray for you that God will restore your hope. Please reach out and find people to talk to, go to church if you are so inclined, because you need support and social activity.

You sound understandably tired and depressed. Concentrate for now on doing the best job you can of taking care of your mother. Look for small joys in your day if there are any. Maybe your mom really liked the jelly sandwich your made her for dessert. Maybe while she is napping, you could take a break with a book or a TV show. Think of small things you might add to the chores like a flower on her lunch tray or some nice smelling dusting powder or baby powder after a shower or sponge bath. (I did not see if your mother is bedridden.).
Your mother is your job right now and doing a job well, even with a little flourish, can be a big boost to your mood and your sense of competence.
If the next 20 or 30 years bring you issues of your own, deal with one problem at a time as it comes along. Look for the most creative solution you can manage for that particular problem. You are learning lots of strategies by caring for your mother.

I am 65 and Mom is 94. I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes, I wish I would be the one to die because I have no real life of my own. It seems my self-worth is tied only to how well she is doing. She is healthy for her age and her family had many members who lived beyond 100 years old. So, I know how my life will be next year, and the next year, and so on.
During the pandemic lockdown, I got very involved in upgrading and decorating my home and yard as a do-it-yourself homemaker. My home is finally becoming more of what I dream of. I walk to try to stay healthy myself, but I've gained a lot of weight. Not looking for a mate and can't put Mom on a diet, so I've come to accept how fat I've become. I check out travel and cruise packages, dream of going to Europe one day. By the time I am able to travel, the pandemic should be under control and safe. So, these are my dreams, a nice home and far-away vacation.
I have learned that passion is for the young, mostly because I don't have the strength or the ability to be passionate any longer. But, I have also learned that with age comes some wisdom, some contentment, and some time to do the little things I ignored for years. These are the little things I have learned to pursue, and I find myself more peaceful than I have ever been before. I guess I have finally come to accept that this is my life and it's okay. It's a life well lived.
I hope this helps you, at least to know there are others that understand how you feel. You are a good person. You are a good daughter. Always know that you have blessed the life of someone else.

I hardly know what to say... I moved in with my mom 4 years ago this month. She recently turned 98. While she is in relatively good health except major arthritis, she does have the 90+ short term memory problem (which can make you crazy). I quit my part time job 2 years ago, because her schedule was too erratic for me. My brother and sister living in town, constantly remind me well they have to work...hello I quit work because of mom and there were lots of promises when I moved in. Now I have to schedule with them way in advance to get time off. My sister in Florida does not help at all, other than calling my mom. It is a job that has me so stressed, it makes me sad. I don't want her to die but I have no life. She frequently comments that when she was my age she was going on cruises....yep that makes me feel good.

Hang in there and I agree....find something for yourself.

Thanks for your post, Tynagh -- I'm feeling less alone because of it.
Like you, I am childfree (by choice), no SO, and a brother who hasn't spoken to me in five years. My mom has dementia, never saved a dime, and re-fied her home mortgage 3 times, pulling out a total of $130K for a home that sold for $180K (with a mortgage balance due of $30K). I am angry at her for being financially irresponsible, fearful that I'll have to use my savings for her care, and feel so hopeless. Some days, it is so hard ... and some nights, I lay in bed and cry about the future I dread.

The one thing that keeps me sane is time spent with friends who understand my struggles and help me laugh in spite of it all. Carve out time to spend with them!!! Sometimes I feel guilty for not including my mom in a fun activity with my girlfriends -- but I know the break is an investment in maintaining my mental health. Take those breakw for yourself, and spend some quality time with those who know you and love you and can help you stay sane.

I will keep you in my thoughts, and send my empathy to you.

Hi Tynagh,

I feel the same as you. I have no husband, no kids, no family except my brother who is a triple stroke survivor and totally immobile. I have spent the last best years of my life helping care for him.
Now, I am sick. Been in bed 21/7 for 4 years. I'm only 57.
My brother is temporarily in a nursing home after a bad bout of pneumonia.
I have dreams and goals and those keep me going.
Take care of your health. I never expected to end up like this. It happened overnight and Drs have run a few tests but blow it off as psychiatric. It's not.
Make some goals for after your mom passes. Look at 55+ communities that have activities and are not too expensive. Your life is not over. There is still good times ahead. Decide where you want to go, start researching, and if you decide to stay where you are, find classes, hobbies, activities that interest you. Where you can meet new people and make friends.
Don't give up. This is a temporary "speedbump". You will be grateful you got to spend time with your mom after she is gone. Now it seems like a "Highway to Hell" but it's just a really big speedbump.
I wish you the best.

I understand exactly how you feel. It’s tough to watch old people suffer and not wonder what the future holds.

Oh Man...I laid in bed last night and thought about how my life sucks right now. I came here this morning and found your post. I've read through all the responses and feel so thankful for this site. Sometimes it gets me through the day knowing that there are others out there who know exactly how I feel.
Caregiving requires so much energy that there seems to be little left for anything else. It certainly does feel like a Highway to Hell but I believe the opposite is quite true. God calls us to serve others and does not promise it will be easy. My 96 year old mother has lived with me for the past year. I retired early to take care of her. I get little help from my sister. My mother and I are different personalities so I often feel annoyed with her. Even with all this I never feel like I made the wrong decision.
You really are not alone. God sees you and knows your struggles. This site is a place to come and vent and be completely understood-no judgements - just lots of guidance and support.
If funds do not allow you to hire outside help, make sure to find time for yourself - even if small amounts of time. What makes you happy/content? Listen to music, plant flowers, work in the yard, watch your favorite move, exercise, crafts,
paint a room a new color, clean (I find deep cleaning to be therapy). Set some sort of small goal to be accomplished each day. And keep in touch with friends. I have two close friends who are willing to listen to me tell them basically the same story/different day.
You are doing a good thing and it may be the hardest thing you've ever done but it will not lead you to Hell.

God Bless you

I would suggest Senior Blue Book, you can look up on line put in you zip code. It could direct you to a senior services in your area, social worker at a senior places, meals on wheels, that you could find help through medicade, since your Mom does not have a lot of money. Talk with her Primary Care Dr. Or yours if they can help direct you.


I have had to research these things also to help me with my parents. Good Luck, you are important.

I can relate. You are certainy not alone although that may not really help, knowing that. I too have no motivation for anything in life. My world is 24/7 care (except for 2 afternoons a week) of my Parkinson's with vascular dementia husband. He is a sweetheart; I resent the disease - it has taken both our futures. I am 72, he 75 and we'd planned wonderful Golden Years but it was not to be. He is, at times, himself; most times he is confused, with no comprehension ability (such as how to sit in a chair or go to the toilet, and daily begging me to take him home (usually childhood home). I fear for the next BM, whether he makes it to the toilet or not); this in particular brings on my meltdown. He is extremely clinging, does not want me to leave him in a room and doesn't like to be left with a caregiver, although sometimes he understands that I HAVE to go out. I know it could be worse. His legs are weakening and I am worried about how I can care for him if he becomes unable to stand. Sending him to memory care would be a death sentence - he is inconsolable if I am not with him. I feel guilty for my negativity. My own health is taking a beating but I don't care - friends tell me that I have to take care of myself so I can care for him (this lays a guilt trip on me - and I feel even worse). I know that over 60% of caregivers die first; I've wondered what % is because of choosing to exit - the thought has occured to me more than once. I don't like to talk to friends about my feelings - I figure this would dampen a friendship - being a "Debbie Downer". So I plod along day after day, knowing things will only get worse, as I've read in so many posts. I've tried to resign myself to the inevitability of years more seeing him decline. I'm sure if the situation were reversed, he would be much better at this than I am.

I understand it seems like people with siblings and spouses are better off but that is not the case.

You will find many threads on this site devoted to disappearing siblings and spouses.

Taking care of a sick friend or relative is draining, depressing and can seem hopeless.

Make your own happiness everyday. Carve out some time for yourself. As most caretakers will tell you, it may get harder before it gets easier.

You are not alone - there are others in similar shoes. You are stronger than you think - draw on it. Siblings and spouses do not always rally around the caregiver - it is often an isolated, lonely job that no one else really understands - don’t think you are missing out on that support - it may not have been there anyway. Many caregivers have large families and no support. Give yourself a big hug and be proud that you have taken on and are doing the hardest job in the world. Find something - anything to give yourself a break or outside interest and don’t be afraid to drop what doesn’t work to try something else. Exercise if you can - it WILL help. Spend time with friends or make friends and DON’T dwell on your caregiving with them - they are an outlet for fun and escape, not a therapist. Seek a counselor, clergy or other professionals to help you cope. Get a pet if you are able to commit and care for want to feel some unconditional love - but remember they can also take a large amount of care so don’t do that if you are already too tapped out. The idea is NOT to make your life more complicated. Find little things that make you happy each day and know we all have bad days where we feel helpless. The good moments make the bad moments worth waiting for - but realize they will come and go so don’t despair when they seem to go.

My mom lived with me for 2 years until her falls forced her to skilled and finally NH.

It was hell. I was so stressed out. She couldn’t be left alone because she took risks and fell. My husband traveled for his job. Siblings? Another story.

Fast forward to now. She’s been gone for nine months. In addition to regular grief, I grieve for my impatience, lack of understanding the aged, etc. Grief therapy is helping.

Love and enjoy your mom.

One day at a time.....my best motto in this care-giving journey! Do you have any hobbies? I started a new hobby a few months ago and it really does help with stress, anxiety and depression. If you don't, maybe explore something new! That's what I did. At some point, their will be a new way of life. A new normal. You will get your own life back. Time to do what you want, what you missed out on doing and everything in between! I sound pretty optimistic here?!? Eh? Well it's because I'm trying to see the light in this dark hell too:) one thing for sure. It's not a dull experience or for the faint hearted! It keeps you on your toes. Just try to see the glass half full and maybe set some "future" wants and goals. Baby steps for now. The big strides will come later. It's being prepared for the "new" normal is what I'm concerned about! How will it be? How will I adjust from living with and caregiving for 13 years, to poof just gone?!? It's a lot. I over think it too sometimes!!! Back to my calming motto: one day at a time!! Love yourself too! Mom is lucky to have you! You deserve a pat on the back and time to pamper yourself! Go to Wal-Mart and get some bath bombs, bubble bath, a good smelling candle. Take a favorite book and have your own spa night after mom is asleep for the night! The good thing about old people, is they live by a set schedule. At least my mom does. I know what she is going to do next before she does it!! That predictable. Point being, their is some you time to be made. Keep coming back here bc this site helps us all. You got like 42 comments, so far. I read them all and they helped me too! I really like how someone suggested pulling the creativity card. I love to write and journal, so this is simple therapeutic tool we can all use in the midst of caregiving!!! Lists are my thing and go-to. Would not remember a thing without my to do lists, shopping lists, etc. So many great tips here! Home decorating or re-decorating was something I filed away too!! Love doing that!!! Thanks to all here, who lean on one another's experience and understanding. We really help guide one another through the journey of the U.N.-known and the journey of the expected:) love & light to all!!!
Hugs & prayers:) kelly

I am about the same age and have been caring for my mom for almost seven years. Boy do I know what you are going through.

I do the David thing, (like in David and Goliath ) I go out to a quite, safe place in nature and cry my heart out to Jehovah. Many times this is an all day event. Then, He direct me to Bible verse after Bible verse about His comfort, love, strength and I feel His presence.
By the end of the day there is a feeling of calmness and love that is all encompassing.
Why not try it?

Though I may stumble, I will not fall, for the Lord upholds me with his hand. - Psalm 37:4

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard my hearts and my mind in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:7

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. - Isaiah 40:29

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. Isaiah 41:10

Give me strength and patience, O God, that I may be as loving, gentle, and patient with others as you have been with me. Through Jesus my Lord and hero I pray. Amen.

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6

I have been a caregiver for almost seven years and it is the most challenging, unrewarding, abusive experience I have ever endured.
On the other hand, it is because of these experiences that it has driven me every closer unto my Beloved Poppa, Jehovah, my best friend, Jesus and my most amazing Mentor, The Holy Spirit.
For that I am grateful.
Joseph a son of Jehovah

Thank you Poppa for blessing me with Your Divine peace. There is no need to be afraid nor worried because I know You send The Holy Spirit to walk through the hard times with me. Joseph a son of Jehovah

Thank you Poppa that You are always here with me. Thank you for guiding me in every aspect of my life. Thank you for Your daily support. Thank you always love me, support me, protect me, heal me, encourage me. Thank you that You always provide for my every need. I praise You in the name of He with whom I need for eternal salvation, Jesus Christ. Amen Joseph a son of Jehovah

I endure long, and I am patient and kind. I am never envious or boil over with jealousy. I am not boastful or vainglorious. I do not display myself haughtily. I am not conceited, arrogant, or inflated with pride. I am not rude or unmannerly. I do not act unbecomingly. God's love in me does not insist on its own rights or its own way for I am not self-seeking. I am not touchy or fretful or resentful. I take no account of the evil done to me. I do not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but I rejoice when right and truth prevail. I bear up under anything and everything that comes, and I am ever ready to believe the best of every person. My hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and I endure everything without weakening. God's love in me never fails.1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Pray these as if you are talking with someone you trust and know they love you like no one else can because it is true.

They have been my rock through so many tough times.

If you are interested there is a Christian caregivers group meeting on Tuesday and Thursday on Zoom. It is free and all are welcome.

I am praying for you with all of my heart because I know what you are going through. Most of us here do.

May the peace of Jehovah envelope you like a warm blanket on a cold evening.

I can relate to how you are feeling. I’m 60 and caring for both of my elderly parents. My father has Parkinson’s, along with many other health issues. There are days that I feel very overwhelmed and don’t look forward to what the next day might bring. I’m retired and feel that I should be enjoying my life, but my parents have very limited resources and depend on me for everything.

Many people have just lost the lust for life.

Much of what you are feeling are just realizing that the "Golden Years" aint so golden! God bless you. I think the best thing is to be grateful for every day you are given and make the most of every day. When we focus on the good things (and there are always many) we find more good things. I wish you peace and the comfort of knowing that you are never alone.

I so feel for you. No one knows how difficult this is until they do it. I walk early every morning and pray for patience and compassion, which sometimes I’m lacking. My mom is 91. I’m so glad I found this forum. Reading others situations help. You are not alone. Sending prayers your way.

Tynagh: Imho, you require respite through any means possible, e.g. Visiting Angels, et al. Caregiving is extremely difficult and you must attempt to rest, else you fall faint and ill and are good to no one.

You are not alone, even though you have no significant other, no siblings and no kids. Jesus knows all about your situation. Please believe that there are brighter days ahead of you and the strain you feel won't last always. Find things you enjoy doing, even if it is just a walk or reading a book. Do self-care. You get to decide what highway you are on. Choose life and enjoy each day.

I hear you. I was 62 when my 93 year old mom died 16 months ago. I thought she would live to 100, but that didn't happen. Not meaning to be irreverent here, but no matter how healthy your mom is, she will pass on at some point (as I found out despite my optimistic predictions). Fortunately, when my mom passed, it was peaceful, so no unhealthy guilt or trauma. I am just now "finding" myself and getting on with MY life. Like you, I couldn't imagine that ever happening, but it does. All I can say is to do your very best so you have no regrets, but to realize that at some point others will have to be involved as nature and God take their course. Best wishes.

I here your frustration and depression. I went through this with my husband's care. Unfortunately there will be a bit of peace after her passing, but you will have a lot of restructioning yourself. My you find peace and find yourself. After 7 months I'm just entering in the finding who I am as myself. It has not been easy but I am enjoying this new journey. Still many adjustment of not over doing for everyone else. Just do what you can do. If you get overwhelmed tell people you can't do what you thought you could do. My prayers are for you.

I understand how you feel. After seeing two parents pass away after suffering dementia, I fear the future for me. I am wondering if there are therapists out there who specialize in dealing with people our age who are wondering what the future holds. One thing I would suggest is getting a pet. That means the world to me and gives me a reason to get up on time in the mornings. I have seen it make a huge difference in the outlook of other elderly people. I hope you find your way.

Yes, I have lost my lust for life too. I can't think of see anything that would ever make me happy in this life. I'm going to call TODAY for some mental help. Whatever my ins. will allow. I'm caring for both my parents and they are so stubborn. I love them dearly but they are sucking the life right out of me.
Reading all the replies of your question has helped as well as the replies I have received for my own questions. There are a lot of wonderful people here that truly understand how hard this is. I will certainly pass on any helpful advise I may receive. You aren't alone in this. This caregiving is all consuming and I have pulled away from many friends because I am just a Debbie Downer. I know I am. I have nothing else to talk about. That gets pretty boring for my friends I'm sure of that. Maybe some self help therapy might help you too. I don't know about you but I don't even have the energy to clean my own house while im constantly cleaning my parents!! The anxiety is at an all time high. If you want to reach out to me, please do. Maybe we can help each other!! My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!!

Hi Tynagh,

I just want you to know you are NOT alone in your feelings. I can totally sympathize and relate to what you are feeling.

Devastatingly, I lost both of my parents (my best friends) within less than 2 years. The loss was almost unbearable.

It took EVERYTHING I had just to get up in the morning and out of bed.

Please know that you WILL get through this and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I still grieve for my beloved mom and dad and wish they were here. Nothing is the same without them.

Like you, I felt I had nothing to look forward to.

You were put on this earth for a reason. The Lord is testing you. Please keep doing what you are doing. You are passing the test.

I found that writing down just five positive things a day helped tremendously. (Even if it's as simple as someone smiling at you or saying "hi" to you).

I am here if you need to vent or talk.

Hang in there. YOU are something special.

I hear you. And, I wish you the best. I was in a similar situation in the recent past. My mom passed 2/14/20.