I can no longer reach out to anyone because my family and my husband's family want nothing to do with my mother and sister as they watch them hurt me more and more. I love my mother and sister and have done things I regret but they were in the past and I have tried over and over to make up for my mistakes. I have said I am sorry so many times and have been living on their continually punishment for years now. It seems I can not do anything right and my mother and sister have now become a pact trying to twist everything I say to the point that they are calling me a liar and telling my husband they need to talk to him about my lies. My mother forgets what she has said and than hears what she wants to hear and immediately calls my sister and than my sister accuses me of lying when in reality it is my mother that is not giving the correct information. Presently it has gotten so bad that they are now yelling at me about things I never even realized they were angry about. My parents were immigrants and as a teenager, my life at home was bitterness, being disciplined by being hit often, etc. I would take on challenging jobs supervising teenagers during the summer for 6 weeks and than went away to college. I did this to get away from the strictness, beatings, screaming and yelling. I loved my parents but the life they were leading was not the life I wanted to lead. My sister chose to stay at home and than get married. I am finding out now that they resent me for that and my sister throws in my face that she was the one doing the laundry , etc......Yet, I was always there for holidays, etc and when they needed me. My family never really knew how to communicate their feelings so that never happened and now years later as the anger starts coming out they are throwing everything at me. Things I don't even remember. I am starting to hate them and am starting to get incredibly depressed. I have tried to talk to both of them but my sister states it is not her problem and my mother states it is my problem and talk to my sister. Bother my mother and sister have accused my husband and I of things we have never done. My mother asked my husband to be the executor of her will and turned around and told my sister we handed her the papers and told her to make my husband the executor. Of course my sister believes my mother and this has caused much strife between my sister and I. I do not want to listen to the name calling, etc anymore and have indicated to my sister that if she wants to fix this I am all for it and have tried and tried but if she does not want to fix this than I wish her well. She continues with the negative emails. My mother has chosen to continue with her bitterness, etc. and continues to be mean to me and my family. My sister I can say goodbye to but my mother , I just don't know what to do. She and my sister feed off each other and want to live in the past. My mother has forgotten everything I and my family have done for her. When my sister's mother and father in law were alive they wanted nothing to do with me, my mother and my father and hence I picked up the pieces for many year while 40 minutes away. I was calling my mother every day and now I hardly call due to the verbal abuse. I just don't know what to do. They are now accusing me of keeping my kids away from them. Three years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have surgery and 6 weeks of radiation. My mother told my son I id not have cancer and was lying. To this day she still indicates I did not have cancer. She states "how could I if I was working, traveling with the family, etc......" My kids have a difficult time connecting with her though I continue reminding them it is their grandmother. My dad passed away about 20 years ago. I wait for your words of wisdom and thank you in advance
I was one guilty of neglecting my own marriage and children in order to make my parents first. It is my life's biggest REGRET. Yes, I owe a lot to my parents, but having been under their thumb for 50 years is just too stinking long. I am luckier than most. I still have a husband, a rickety marriage, a home and some of my marbles. BALANCE should be the goal. Why can't we have it all and do both with out making ourselves crazy doormats.????? Why can't our elders just be EASY going and find ways to entertain themselves without creating all the DRAMA? Why not be satisfied with some attention and not all the attention. Why shame, cuss and bad mouth the very people that are taking care of them.
I must have been very very unobservant as a child, because I never remember any senior citizens that are this mean....must be the all junk food!! haha
I'm likely the preachiest and possibly the bluntest person here. When, I catch myself, I tone it down some Sometimes the situation is so openly raw that I just jump in with both feet like I'm in the ER room doing triage for someone severely hurt.
My grandmother told my mother that it was time for her to leave her husband, my step-dad, and come take care of her and she was not kidding.
I agree that it is terrible how the Bible is used so gracelessly to clobber children. My SIL remains in bondage to that despite being in therapy which she had quit. I almost hate to ask this question, but I do wonder if Bible clobbering does not happened in more fundamentalist homes or is it just dependent on how sick the parent's personality is. Many of them seem to be very deep into a very narrow family power structure that seems to be based in more fear than grace, love and faith. Likely the more fundamentalist the group if they are even in a church, the more narrow the structure might be while other boundaries might get blurred.
Now, I've gotten preachy. This is sort of my hobby horse around here. Sometimes, I have to back off from the site as as whole.
Thankfully, not all of the elderly at this way, but we do hear mainly about the ones who are on this site. Often these are generational things like now my MIL is talking very openly about her mother without realizing she's telling us that she did the same thing to her daughters that her mom did to her. Someone has to risk breaking the chain. I have an idea where my mom's issues came from for her sister is exactly the same way and she's a whole story full of dysfunctional drama herself.
Take care!
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
These are the games narcissists play. They behave badly then blame others for what happens.
Personally I would not call her. I think it sends her the message that her behaviour is OK, which it isn't. Why not enjoy the break from the dysfunction?They need you more than you need them. They will not let you get away that easily. I expect one of them will contact you eventually, then you can respond on your terms not theirs and set some boundaries. Whatever you did in the past is in the past and is not the cause of your mother and sister's behaviour. They will never be the family you want and need. Lean on those who love and value you. Learn to detach from them and their hurtfulness. (((((((hugs)))))))
I am having the same problem with my daughter. She controls me because I love her and my grandchildren so much.
Just this past week she completely ignored all of my calls and texts. She knew that I wanted to see my grandchildren. So, I stopped. I let it go. And I immediately felt much, much better. There is loss and pain BUT letting go gives you self-respect and freedom. At t his stage of the game, I want self-respect and freedom.
When I was a kid I read a story, presumably true: in India they have a monkey trap, a gourd with a tiny hole attached to a chain. the monkey can slide his hand in and grab a fist full of rice but cannot get his balled-up fist out. So, unless he is willing to give up the rice, he is trapped.
There you have it. Let go or be trapped.
I have said it before: you are all grown up with a husband, home and children of your own. Focus on them, love them, let go, and get over it.
Thanks for that.
I agree. Do what you can and then move on to the people who appreciate you.