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Remember that one day maybe I'll be 85 & can't remember or hear or see anymore.That gets me through the day,Pattiblue
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That's true Patti... We try the best we can and take each day as it comes... God Bless You!
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After much effort at being the A++ caregiver to an angry, abusive, over-the-top hateful mother, I have stepped back my efforts and now do only what is necessary. I do not spend time with my mother. Apparently, all those years of not being close have resulted in more of the same. We do not get along, and I have accepted it. It's sad, but it is the cold harsh truth. She refuses the care of doctors and medications. She doesn't eat properly and watches television all day every day. Her standard of life is poor, but so is mine. I am 60 years old and have very few job prospects in this small town. I am horribly bored, but discipline myself to exercise for at least half an hour a day. That's it. That's my day. The rest of my time is spent reading and/or watching television. I sometimes get aggravated by her inability to want more out of her life, but then I realize my life is the same. I fantasize about leaving and starting my own life again-- I left my home and life in the city a year ago-- but imagine it would probably result in being called back into 'service' of caregiving in no time at all. My brain is turning to mush. I am aging at a rapid pace. I am depressed, bored, anxious, angry, resentful, etc. My life is over. I am quite sure of it.
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I understand NoRecess... Actually, in some cases the scenario is a bit reversed... Like having my mother move/live with me... My life has and will never be the same again either.... It does screw up your head in ways you never imagined and sometimes, you forget who you were (are?)...
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Hi NoRecess. I was where you are a few months ago I re : to despair and desperation . I truly wouldn't have cared if I was hit by a truck , or struck by lightening. The overwhelming loss of freedom when being the one on one care giver is devastating. Takes complete control of your life. So I may be misinterpreting your post and if i am , I apologize. The only thing that helps me is this site. I know I'm not alone. There are many of us , every day , doing all that we can and for me , the realization , that so many of us do the impossible , daily , gives me strength. Hope this hells
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Helos
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Sorry again. Can't edit. Helps
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Freudian slip... 😰
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Lol heart to heart. No seriously. Typo
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But you are right. It is h*ll. Heart to heart
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Thank you Erinm60. I am very desperate and depressed by this situation. I appreciate your comments and will continue to read and utilize this site. I does help with the isolation and loneliness.
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We have to keep pushing forward, for our own sake. I try to do something different every day and force myself to be around people, even if it's just to go to the store... I also volunteer for a nonprofit that helps families in need with babies and children to age 5 (I can pick and choose the amount of time I help... or, don't go, if I don't feel like it...), but it's been a catalyst back into the normal of sorts... (especially, during the nice warm days). All this can distract me from the hardships that surround us.
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My French lessons help. An app on my phone. It can be any language. Just helps to not continuallly focus on my sevititude. Lol. If that's the correct word. I'm at a cross roads, because my mother is not totally vacant mentally. She still bathes, dresses, and because she sits here all day watching news, and rarely changes her routine , she is quite capable of not getting in a dangerous situation. Her short term memory is gone. She can't write a check, or even remember how to turn the TV on sometimes. And when that happens it's like a level 1 trauma. I can't leave her alone at night any more because she fell 2 weeks ago. Her dr. Suggested that when my husband and I go away for a break, that I have some one here for the night. It's certainly not as bad as it's most certainly going to get. I know what my limits will be and that is bathing, toilet issues , delusions. Etc and I have a plan. An beautiful assisted living care facility that increases services as they are needed. That helps a lot , to have a plan and a place I think is great. She has long term care and I am grateful for that. This site helps immensely.
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Erin, I thought I was the only one thinking about TV and reduced fall risk. I've been caregiving for 7.5 years now. I figured that at some point my mother would fall and would need to go into rehab. That would give opportunity to change this stalemate that we are in here, so I could get some life back. Then I thought about how she sits and watches TV all day, so doesn't have much chance of falling. I know that is good for her, but it does mean falling is not likely an avenue for me to make changes. Bad me for thinking these things, but it has crossed my mind.
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Hi JessieBelle. You aren't wrong. For wondering how this stale mate could possibly end. I think those of us that are on call 24 hours a day, often wonder when we get a break. I told my aunt a few months ago, almost a year now, when my mom got diagnosed with MCI with Amnesic features , and prescribed aricept , that hey I'm 56. Not 36. And I'm not going to live for ever. I'll do this as long as I can. But not past that. And " that " for me is when she needs personal hygiene care or gets delusional. I know my limits. At least I hope I do. We are all human and I never thought in a million years , she would get this. Her dr saw an immediate cognitive decline 3 weeks ago. I think we need to accept we didn't ask for this, nor did they, but at least for me , having some boundaries , for my care degree, is helping. I'm lucky she has long term health care. This site is very helpful
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I've come to hate my mother she's using me and treats me like sh*t but I don't know what to do with her
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Annabelle. Do you live in the same house with her?
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JessieBelle, I think that is why hospitals don't encourage their patients to walk around.Meaning to stop falls. Don't know what assisted living places or nursing homes would do without TV.
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Erin, you have the same limits as I've had for many years now. I have been waiting for things to change. I was 57 when I came here. I am 65 now. I do everything, but don't assist with toileting and hygiene. I knew the end point of my help would be when she can't walk, toilet, or bathe herself. I am not strong enough to help with these things, so she would need to go to a nursing home. When I started into this, I never imagined that years later we'd be pretty much at the starting point. The main thing that has changed is she has gotten much slower and is using her walker in the house now.
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JessieBelle how old is your mom. Mine is 79. She is 94 pounds. With her clothes on. Her dr told her she needs to gain 10 . My mother is frail. She walks slowly too , but no need for a walker.
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Mine is 90. She started asking me to come home when she was 70-75 because they probably wouldn't live another year and needed help. I'm glad I didn't come when she first asked. My mother weighs 150 pounds and eats twice as much as I do. Her stats are good, but she walks very slowly, bent almost in two. Her mind and back make her totally dependent on others, meaning me since I'm the only one around.
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Thanks for whoever pushed this to the top. Am new here, take care of 93 yr. old Mom, now in hospice, as well as take care of Dad, though he is mobile. I got an aide to come in and it's been a godsend. After taking care of my mother, she does a little housework to help me. Keeps me from feeling so isolated and a little more motivated. It's easy to get resentful not having a life of my own now. I try to practice gratitude. I only get out for one or two hours at a time but it helps so much. I just keep telling myself how much better Mom is doing with me. She would have died of loneliness if she were in a nursing home. Don't be afraid to call social workers (Hospice is a big help as well). An Alzheimer's support group really helped a lot as well. Hang in there. I have to take time for yourself occasionally OR I'd go insane.
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I feel so lost and hopeless. I am the only one left to care for my 85 year old mother, but she will not put me on her checking account or grant me POA or anything of the sort. When she passes, I will not have access to her money for burial, etc. I am so depressed about this situation, yet there is nothing I can do. I moved in with her thinking that I would have income from my rental property, but I have not received any income due to repairs to the rental, so I am dependent financially until I can sell my home five months from now. I don't know how my having income will change this situation though. I am confused, depressed, hopelessly hoping that whatever changes may come, I will be able to cope and survive. I'm on antidepressants and have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow, but I haven't a clue what to say to the counselor or where to start. I search for work every day to no avail because I am stuck in a rural part of southern Alabama and jobs are very hard to come by. This depresses me beyond belief because work has always given me a sense of purpose and now I am just dependent, broke, and hopeless. My mother has money but says she doesn't. I believe her dementia is worsening and I am feeling so much panic due to the hopelessness of this situation as far as i can see.
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Hi No Recess. I'm sorry you are in this situation. When you see the counselor tomorrow , maybe ask him/ her what legal services are available to you at a reduced cost. It seems to me, you should be reimbursed for your care. Your mom would have to pay for care if you weren't there
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Sometimes I can cope and other times I fall to pieces. Like being on a crazy roller coaster of emotions, never knowing if I'm up or down, backwards or forwards, you name it, I feel that way. I just want it to stop so I can take a breath. Time is passing by as I wait for something to happen to change my situation so I can move on.
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I know what you mean. Tonight has been a bad one. My mother gets warm after she eats dinner. Her sugar goes up and she's digesting meat, so it's easily explained. Tonight she came back to my room and told me I was going to have to bring the rabbit and my room and start shutting off the back room so the house wouldn't get too warm. This was a crazy idea. I only have two rooms in the whole house and she wants me to give up one of them because she is warm after dinner. When I wouldn't do it, she got mad and started talking about how worthless I was. She said I cared more about the rabbit than her. I told her simply that the rabbit never abuses me.

Of course, what I really wanted to say was that her solution for discomfort was for me to give up half of the little bit of the house that I use. I knew her discomfort was only temporary, so I just shut her out of my mind. But I also did something else -- got online and transferred two utility bills back to her credit card, instead of my own. I'd been thinking I was stupid for paying them, anyway.

I looked to find a social worker online who could help me figure out what to do with the situation. I was surprised at how little was available if she didn't go into a facility. Maybe I should start writing a book on caregiving for a covert narcissist with dementia. I have a feeling I'm not alone in the world.

A few minutes later when Mom was going to bed, she opened the door and asked me why it was always so cold and that maybe someone should come fix the floors to keep them from being so cold. These nights are so common that I just want to hide my face in my hands and wonder what I did in a past life that earned this. I don't know. I'm really not a bad person, but I'm the lowest form of life around here. I have a very strong sense of self, but I have to admit this is wearing me down.
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As it would any one Jessie belle
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Sorry Jessi Belle , it was late when I posted last. I think you have every right to feel the way you did last night. You are certainly not " the lowest form of life around here". I'd say the kindest. I'm sorry your mother doesn't appreciate everything you do. Mine does appreciate at least for now. Everything I do is quite expected by her but at least she says " thank you ". I hope you have a peaceful today. And again I apologize if my previous post seemed curt.
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Oh, it didn't seem that way, Erin. I know there are no answers to the problems we have. It's good to have a place to talk about them. We can't talk about these things in public because people would be horrified that anyone would talk about their mother. I felt better after writing about the rabbit room incident last night. It seemed a lot smaller after I read what I wrote. I think it is just a steady stream of negative can be too much to bear after a while. I feel bad that I try to avoid her as much as possible, but it is self preservation. I think she prefers I avoid her, too. 
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I understand totally. My mother has basically taken over the first floor of the house. I spend a lot of time in my bathroom next to my bedroom. My husband works nights. So he sleeps during the day. I sit in here at least it's big enough. But ya , I'm avoiding her as well. Can only take so much Fox News. Hope you have a good day
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