Hi AC Forum,
I feel like I run the gamut of emotions on a weekly basis. I think that is a difficult side of this caregiving. Not being able to fully satisfy - or not being able to satisfy for what should be a normnal period of time. And on the same token know that each day you go down this path you just running to the finish line.
It's the craziest and horrible life as I am not able to live my life, yet I have a hard time thinking of my mom living with less. Also not being the face of which she says to at first seeing her and asking her how she is, "Better now that I see you!" Knowing that you are the comfort in their sight. Yet what it takes from one feels enormous - emotionally, monetarily, physically.
How are you doing?
LastOne
I have a very dysfunctional family and am not one for playing games. I played along for most of my life (for survival) and as I approach 50, I have had it. I told Mom no more cards except for her one sister whom is the only relative I speak with on occasion. She lives a far away in another state. I have invited her to come and visit before Mom is too far gone in her mind. She won't take me up on the offer. How much does she really care? Mom's other sister struck up a fued with her because Mom was raising 4 kids on her own and could not afford to contribute to her own mothers care when she started deteriorating. Mom was one who would have given anything she could have but with bills, a house to keep up over our heads, etc. she just didn't have extra. She did however buy Grandma very expensive hearing aids to which she refused to wear. Again, too proud to let the world see she had a problem, instead, she would ask everyone to repeat themselves over and over. To this day Mom's sister will not speak to my Mother but those darn cards just keep coming pretending like there is no problem. The charade continues. I caved in and got a card for Mom's other sister's B-day. What a mistake! Here she goes again, I had to pick it out, she struggles with what to write, and I told her to have me fill out the envelope with the address because if she made an error, I was not running back to the store for another envelope. Well what did she do? She ignored me and went to fill it out and made a mistake. It was all I had not to blast her with anger when she came to tell me she screwed it up. I am ready to announce to everyone not to expect anymore cards and not to send anymore either. If they want to talk with her, pick up the darn phone and actually speak with her! When will the ridiculous charade end of pretending everything is fine when it is far from it! I no longer want anything to do with greeting cards ever again, she ruined it for me. I know once again, I will be the "big meanie" for putting an end to this but I just don't need the extra stress and the constant reminder of how pathetic my family and relatives really are. There....... that is how I am coping today in 90+ degree heat.
Not at all feeling the love tonight as my mother pissed me off, by telling me she sent out an original photo of my father and her wedding to a person not even on our family... We have very few pictures of my father and that era... But, I'm getting to where nothing matters any more or is 'Special' in our family... none of my brother's, or their children care or want any of our heritage.
Sometimes I swear we live identical lives on so many levels, it is a great comfort knowing someone truly "gets it"! BTW, how did she send that photo? Is your Mom more functional than mine since I am the only one to get anything into the mail.
Jessiebelle, thank you for the laugh! That last sentence is so true and sent me into a good bray of laughter! It's truly nuts, isn't it ladies? We being the good daughters that we try oh so hard to be, just trying to be realistic and practical while our families drive us straight out of our minds with all this phony falderal! Then, I get the never ending reminder I have to get that darn thing in the mail! If only she could remember the important stuff, like calling me when she feels sick. Then when I finally do get irritated, she gives me the "boo boo pouty lip" like I am a mean ogre. She has no idea how I am trying so hard not to really come unglued! Bless both of you, you are wonderful!!!!!!!
Heart2Heart, I totally understand how things that had meaning start to not matter anymore..........I think we are just worn out and caring about sentimental things being treated like they don't matter is just one more emotional exertion we don't have strength for anymore. Maybe I am off but that is how I feel, one more battle I have no room or energy for.
I think you, me and Jess are like the Three Amig'a's
I think you hit that right on the head, wish we could all meet for coffee, or something stronger perhaps? I know we would be there for hours, laughing, venting and feeling our sanity come back knowing we all totally understand one another! I suppose I should just be so grateful to have met you both here, my cyber island where I can talk about my deepest feelings and it means more to me than words can say! *Hugs to you both*
My mom was obsessed with greeting cards, too.
And ziploc bags.
So Mom kept her lifetime supply of greeting cards in ziploc bags.
Heaven help us all.
Reminds me of the water thing around here. Mom always used tap water, but started hating it after I came. I have to get her bottled water from the store. It's like when she was doing things, it was one standard, but after she got her slave mule she started getting more demanding. And she'll tell me she always sent special cards, not thinking about how I received her generic cards for years. I know better.
Once again I am howling with laughter because that is EXACTLY what I have gone through, every card had to be specialized to Son, DIL, grandson, to my sister, son and family, arrrggghhhh!!!!!!!!! If we could not find the appropriate heading, we had to go to another store until we found one that satisfied her with that personal touch. I am just giggling away (even though I sure wasn't during these card hunts) that we had the same stringent set of rules to those cards. Thought that was just my Mom again. Thanks for the morning laugh!
I get a list every other day from her on "things she needs" right after I just went shopping for her. I feel like the errand girl. She is also annoyingly passive aggressive about these things. Example: "I am going to need a few things at the drugstore soon." Me: "Mom, I just went shopping for you, why did you not mention it when we were at the store?" Mom: "Well, it's not an emergency, whenever you go out to the store again." Then I hear about the list every darn day until I finally just go get her special cookies or candies or whatever since she just can't seem to go on with life without these things. That is the maddening passive aggressive stuff I hear pretty regularly. Oh, and I can't forget to mail my Aunt's B-day card today, and get her some hair coloring and eye drops.
My FIL has Lymphoma (in the wait and watch phase), and when he examines him, feeling for swollen lymph glands, neck, under arms and groin, and my FIL Always says things so inappropriate, like how he doesn't "use" his male organ, or how he doesn't have any "need", for women in his life anymore (he's 87 & widowed X 13+ years! It's so gross and embarrassing! He always brags about how "great" he is the "big man", but in reality, he can barely walk 20 paces, as he totally gave up doing any PT, as he had us there waiting on him hand and foot!
I am only just getting used to him not living our home (13 years), yet still, he does everything he can, to make some sort of excuse as to why my husband needs to visit him to take care of something at the Assisted living place, every single day, so no sooner is one errand completed for him, then he's thought up the next thing he NEEDS!
Yesterday it was "taking home his Rx bottle, to call in for a refill, yet he forgot to hold out a dose for that evening (thyroid med), so hubby had to take it back to him, and in reality, him missing one dose wouldn't have made one bit of difference, but No, he absolutely had to have it before bedtime, Grrr!
I have been working on getting all the ppwk for his VA Aid and Attendance benifits completed (its quite extensive and finally completed), and he has nagged about it every single day, while showing ZERO appreciation for my doing it for him. He just has this self serving entitlement issue going with him, and it makes me so angry and frustrated, that I don't even like visiting him there, it's been about 5 weeks now, that he has lived there, and not in our home with us, I'm so glad he's out of here!
I'm so hoping that he is getting comfortable there, he does seem to be, and hopefully soon, now that absolutely everything has been done to facilitate his move, made his place cozy, pictures hung, and that Still, everything is done For him by the staff, as well so us, that we can get on with the process of selling our home, and moving, and going on a nice long vacation, without worry about him!
I never thought I'd see the day that he wasn't living with us, but my God, I'm so happy he's rhe really, safe and being cared for by other, taking some of the burden off of my husband especially! So, finally coping bit better!
I feel for you sweetie, I hate going to the doc with Mom, she has Kaiser and there are very few docs there that have ever really impressed me, more than half the time, I am telling them what is wrong with her while they are standing there scratching their heads! It's maddening. However, knee replacement surgery is a bit more complicated I imagine. I hope all goes well and Mom doesn't make your stress level skyrocket too much! Let me know how it went, hang in there!
I am so jealous of you now! Just the thought of a real vacation brings tears to my eyes. I wonder how many more years I will go before I can actually have my freedom and life back again. I wish you the most wonderful vacation in the world, it sounds like you really, really deserve it!!!!!! My husband's extended family have property in Italy, I keep wondering if we will ever get there.
Thank you Rainey... I just got back fro the Dr's office with my mother... He was top notch... right on and to the point.... He said he knew replacements were in great shape and should last her lifetime... The issue for all is to not fall and reinjure or injure something else, like a hip... Now, I'm off to drive her to a senior center (which I didn't plan on)... Hi Ho Silver!!!!...
PS. Can I meet you in Italy when you get there?!!!!
Glad everything went smoothly, and even better the Doc was top notch! Senior Center???? Wish to God I could get my Mom to go but nooooooooo, she won't go anywhere unless I am with her, I have sincerely tried and we have a great Senior Center 5 minutes away from home too!!!! Nope, she couldn't possibly let a room full of other seniors see that she isn't perfect. *Sighs*
Yes, you can meet me in Italy, (if I ever make it) we can have Bellini's on the terrace! 🍾🍑
Not sure if I mentioned I do some caregiving part time so I can keep up my knowledge of how to handle Mom and as she gets worse. Since I live in ridiculously priced California, home caregiving facilities charge about 30 an hour! Mom cannot afford it hence why I changed careers. Certainly not for the lousy salary they pay me! Anyway, I was working today for a little lady (90) who lives by herself in this big house on a hill. She is a challenge and many caregivers end up never going back. Most of the time, I am able to let her annoyances roll off my back and not take it personally but she was so bad today, I came so close to telling her I would not be returning. I told her how she was affecting me and she apologized, only to return to her behaviour a short time later. I tried to calm myself and realized she is losing her memory, control, and is becoming more easily agitated. Part of me feels terribly sorry for her, the other part of me is saying, I don't need two people in my life suffering with the same problem. Difference is my Mom is not nasty and praises me all the time. Mom is confused and argues about everything when I try reasoning with her or telling her she should not be doing something. Immediately, I am met with "No I didn't" or "Your wrong" etc. etc. For example, Mom say's, "I need _________ from the store." I say, "We just got some a few days ago." Mom, "No we did not!" It just wears you out. Am I stupid to try and handle two elderly women with confusion and dementia? Should I look for someone else who will not stress me out further or do I hang in there with her because she can't help herself?
Thank you, your right, it's always tough for me especially when she has nobody most of the time and she isn't aware she is being a such a pain in the rear. *HUGS*
But I'm feeling more hopeful, now that I found this site.
My mom lives with me (has for 4 years), has dementia, and was recently hospitalized, rehabbed, and returned to my house a different person. Her memory problems are now severe. I have to do almost everything for her. She was still fairly independent before becoming ill. I don't know how anyone does this long-term. Changing an adult every 2-3 hours all day, cooking, cleaning, doing bills, and medical bills, on and on, is so exhausting.
I had to laugh at the greeting card discussions. My mom was a hoarder and had thousands upon thousands of cards, all shapes, sizes, and types. She signed up for some sort of card club to get the collection really going. When I finally could start to clean out her house, I was giddy at throwing out tons of them (dusty, insect infested, etc.). She used to be very concerned with having and sending the right card, but now she has lost too much memory to even know what day it is.